Invitation politics!

blackraspberry

I have a large extended family, none of whom I care about at all. They live in a different part of the country, and I've seen them maybe a dozen times since I was a kid. I don't even like most of them. But the tradition (in most Irish families? in mine at least) is that all the aunts and uncles get invited to every wedding. I've mentioned it to my parents before about having a small wedding, and they were horrified that I even thought about not inviting my aunts and uncles :rolleyes:. There's no reason any one of them should get an invite other than politics.

I'm sure many of you have been in this situation in the past. How have you dealt with it? It's not a money issue for it, it's the principle of the thing. Did you give in and invite them? Did you stand your ground? Any advice on how to proceed? For the record, I'm talking double figures assuming they all came (which they more than likely would).

Getting married abroad isn't really an option because some people on my husband-to-be's side couldn't travel, and we would really want them there. And even if we could get married abroad, my cousin recently did that and came under fierce family pressure to invite all the aunts and uncles (luckily for her, they declined).

pwurple

Double figures like 10, or 99? We didn't invite all aunts and uncles... Because of the numbers involved. His parents are one of 14 and 16 siblings, mine were one of 10 and 8. It was ~90 people including spouses, most of whom we had never met. We invited godparents and those we knew (ie, lived in Ireland). That brought it down to about 18.

We were lucky too, in that we were both the first to get married in each of our families. We were aware we were setting the precedence for the cousins to follow us. If a precedence has already been set where everyone invites everyone, you might be in more of a sticky situation. You don't want to offend.

blackraspberry

It could be up to 40, easily. If we invite these people, we have to invite those people. That kind of way.

Also, there's been dozens of cousins (and a sibling) before me who've followed tradition so I'd be a real black sheep if I tried to break tradition . He has a small family so at least we're lucky there.

username123

I avoided it by eloping - just the two of us and then we phoned home and announced we were married. If thats not an option for you....... then just stand your ground, its your wedding, do it whatever way you want. If you never see these people and dont care about them, then why would you care what they think?

January

I put it to my parents that we were inviting 100 people, and that was it. We were inviting nobody above that. My dad bargained and agreed to pay for aunts and uncles that we weren't going to invite in the first place. I went with that.

John Mason

We told everyone we were inviting 40 people of our choosing.

end of and we were not entering into any further discussions or bargining.

Gatica

When you say a small wedding, how small is that?
If you mean you're having 20 people including parents and couple of friends, then you don't need to invite aunts and uncles at all, and I can't see anyone creating much of a fuss over that.
However, I could see them having an issue when you say to them you want a "small" wedding of 120 people, that they'd think that's not that small so they'll feel you should be inviting your aunts/uncles.

We were in that situation and just found it easier to invite my OH's aunt's and uncles, a total of 30 or so on his side alone. We only invited cousins he was actually close to. It was his decision to invite them, and I was ok with it.
If he had wanted to selectively invite only some of them, I could see some family getting upset about it. It wouldn't be on my head though, so it was entirely his decision. His family is very close though, not him but his mum/dad. So I know he wanted to invite them and keep the peace.
It's a difficult one and if you're genuinely having a small wedding, it should be easier to get away with it.

stargazer 68

My sis is getting married and the guest list is ongoing! All aunts and uncles will be invited but no cousins. There are just far too many of them with their spouses. We have been to other family weddings where some cousins were invited and not others and it just caused rows. So she has gone with the option of no one!

It really does depend on what you mean by a small wedding. My cousin had a small wedding and aunts and uncles weren't invited - no big deal as it was only immediate family.

genie_us

I say stand your ground.
We had similar problems, but ours was when we decided we didn't want any kids at the wedding. It went down like a lead balloon in some quarters but people get over it.

'The people who matter don't mind, and the people who mind don't matter' as they say. Go with your gut feelings and it will all work out in the end.

pooch90

I'm inviting relatives that mean something to me.
I won't be inviting aunts or uncles I never see or who never contact me, same with cousins.

I'll be inviting my mam's sister+1, 4 cousins from that side. My dad's sister +1 and 2 cousins from that side. Maybe his brother and wife. There's about 10 aunts and uncles I won't be inviting from my family and about 30 cousins.

Future husband will be inviting 3 aunts +1s. 3 Cousins+1s all from his mam's side and none from his dad's (his dad died and they all fell out) He'll be leaving out about 35 cousins and 7 aunt&uncle combos.

Moonbeam

we told the parents to invite who they wanted,hoping for about 20 each and only invited the aunties and uncles that we have a relationship with.

Neyite

We are inviting aunts and uncles only, but that's because including those, its still only around 35-40 as a few wouldn't bother to travel the distance.

What my sister did was allocate X amount of places to both sets of parents and let them decide who they wanted to invite. Worked a charm, and stopped my mother people from inviting half the neighbourhood.

lazygal

We didn't ask all aunts/uncles/cousins, only those we wanted there. We didn't discuss it, we didn't want a massive 'family' wedding and when our parents dropped hints about paying for relatives we declined. They eventually stopped, mainly because we didn't solicit opinions, we made decisions and only changed the plans we wanted too. We don't see those we didn't ask at all, so, to be brutally honest, we couldn't care less if they were annoyed not to be asked. Our day, our money and our decision.

blackraspberry

Well, when I say a 'small' wedding, I really mean 'a big wedding but only with people we want there'! Not like 200+, but maybe around 100.

Neyite wrote: »

We are inviting aunts and uncles only, but that's because including those, its still only around 35-40 as a few wouldn't bother to travel the distance.

What my sister did was allocate X amount of places to both sets of parents and let them decide who they wanted to invite. Worked a charm, and stopped my mother people from inviting half the neighbourhood.

I feel like that's what I'm going to have to do. I can see my parents covering the cost of 'their' people and that's unnecessary - we can afford to have them there, we just don't want to!

But I get the feeling this might be a situation where I lose the battle to win the war. A wedding is still a ways off so this is all me planning in advance so I don't get ambushed. If I give them X number of invites at the beginning, I'll feel a lot better about standing my ground on everything else that they might want to stick their noses in!

stargazer 68

The way I look at it is you only have so many 'seats'. If the room holds 100 then that is all you can have - unless you can magic up an extension!! So why invite people that you don't want there over those that you do? If you wouldn't normally buy them a cup of tea then why buy them a meal - to put it bluntly!

Trying to explain the number of 'seats' to my future BIL is another issue!

DjangoMc

Ah the good aul "invitation politics". God How I don't miss that.

We did out our list of who we really wanted there. I have a huge extended family on both side. Husband has a very small family. We agreed Aunty's and Uncles and cousins. My cousin's did get a plus 1. We had a second list that if other people couldn't go, other's got a plus 1. Loads, seems impressed with this way coz they knew there would be a few that couldn't go.
But one family where not one bit happy they didn't get a plus 1 straight out (one couldn't go coz they were in prison) and that their kids weren't invited. (we had a no kids wedding) and they caused murder over it. So they refused to go, which meant other people got invites.

I stood my ground and its the best thing I ever did. Just tell them the way it is if they ask. It weeds out the weak. It shows you who actually just wants to share your day or those who just want a free slap up meal and a free candy buffet. That family now doesn't talk to and I'm all the better without them.

One of these so called family members even took a dig at my finances. We had a budget, we where sticking to it and they said "sure its not about money, you're loaded and we all know you are". Far from it!!

Nicman

Hey OP,

There's no getting away from it it's a toughie...and you always say "I'm not giving into pressure" but the fear is that you will, and end up with 'Auntie Bridie' who you've only seen 10 times in your life, gawking at you having a teary moment in the church and nudging her husband (delighted to have material to gossip about a week later).
So - one question, have you started actually planning yet? like dates venue etc? If not let me make a suggestion. When my fiancee and I started talking about plans to people there was all this "you can't do that" and "you have to do this". So we put a halt to the whole thing and decided that when we were ready to start planning that we would only leave less than 6 months between the planning and the big day.
So we did this and let me tell you it's worked a dream! Family have no time to even think about who's invited and why/ why not. They're more concerned with getting time off or buying outfits and also, when we announced it we didn't give away too mcuh at once so again, they're too busy trying to find out what's happening that to stick their noses in. I have a huge extended family, we wanted a small wedding (40-50) with immediate family and otherwise, just people we loved! So one aunt fell into this category, and although my sis said "you can't invite one and not them all" I said F that! Invited her and am so happy I did.

Stand your ground, the sound ones will get it, do you care about the ones who dont????

desertcircus

My fiancee and I deliberately booked the dinner in a venue with a hard limit on the number of seats - we have 24 seats, and the result is that we can honestly say any additional invites are impossible. If there's a possible venue that has a limit similar to your intended total, booking it will make it a lot easier to say no.