Etiquette regarding Ex's Family Funeral

Madhatter85 · 30-10-2013 3:40pm #1

Hi all, am new to this so please tell m if I posted on the wrong place,
Just wondering what is the way to go around dealing with an ex who has lost a family member? My ex of two years lost a grandparent the other day and I am wondering is it ok for me to attend the shaking of the hands part?
We are currently not on the best terms as breakup is still very new (we have both agreed to take some time away from each other to heal from this breakup) but I do care about my ex a lot and realise this death will have upset them deeply.
Not really sure where I stand , if its inappropriate of me to go, would a text message suffice or should Ijust leave it?
I would also like to add that I had a great relationship with Ex's family but had met the deceased only once before.
Thanks

Maximus Alexander · 30-10-2013 3:41pm

Would your presence make the occasion harder or more painful for him / her? If so, stay away. If not, go and pay your respects.

Also yes, you posted in the wrong place in the sense that you will get a lot of less than genuine responses here. There's no rule against posting this here however.

Captain Farrell · 30-10-2013 3:42pm

Go and pay your respects. Definitely not send a text.

wazky · 30-10-2013 3:42pm

Should be ok unless you are the one who caused the death.

iMac_Hunt · 30-10-2013 3:44pm

You should go and pay your respects. I'm sure your ex and family would appreciate it.

I Heart Internet · 30-10-2013 3:45pm

I'd say go and pay your respects but do so without the shaking hands part. Just go, sit near the back and pray for the deceased.

If your ex happens to see you, fine, but you won't surprise her by turning up to shake her hand.

Keep it classy really - be there but don't be up in her face.

keithclancy · 30-10-2013 3:45pm

Madhatter85 wrote: »

We are currently not on the best terms as breakup is still very new (we have both agreed to take some time away from each other to heal from this breakup) but I do care about my ex a lot and realise this death will have upset them deeply.

Probably better not to go.

AnonoBoy · 30-10-2013 3:46pm

Go. Suck it up. Shake the hands.

Nobody will think badly of you for doing it and even though things aren't good with the ex in the future they will look back and think, "That was good of them to come. I respect that maturity."

Too serious a response? Wacky AH advice below........

Wacky AH advice:

Just don't knock the coffin over and puke on the corpse!

Skid X · 30-10-2013 3:49pm

Maximus Alexander wrote: »

Would your presence make the occasion harder or more painful for him / her? If so, stay away. If not, go and pay your respects.

I agree with this.

In general, I think your ex and his/her family would appreciate your attendance, but it depends how strained your relationship is.

I wouldn't send a text now, it's a difficult time for them and it might be interpreted wrongly - if you don't go to the funeral maybe leave it a week or two and maybe send a short letter expressing your sympathy.

johnayo · 30-10-2013 3:51pm

If I were in your situation I would go and sympathise and do the shaking hands bit. No need to hang around if you feel awkward. It would most likely be appreciated.

sadie06 · 30-10-2013 3:52pm

To be honest, I would just send a text saying you are thinking of them. If it was a parent or sibling that had died I would say absolutely you should go. My ex came to my sister's funeral, and I fully expected him to be there but I would have been surprised if he had turned up to my grandparents' funerals.

Menas · 30-10-2013 4:01pm

I would not go. Your ex will be emotional enough on this occasion without seeing you and getting even more emotional.

If it was me I would send your ex a mass card with a note inside and tell them that you are thinking of them at this difficult time etc etc.

Son Of A Vidic · 30-10-2013 4:07pm

Go pay your respects and then leave. Not showing your face could be misinterpreted as a lack of respect and perhaps even coldness on your part.

keithclancy · 30-10-2013 4:09pm

Corvus Maximus wrote: »

Go pay your respects and then leave. Not showing your face could be misinterpreted as a lack of respect and perhaps even coldness on your part.

The OP said they only met the deceased once before.

I don't think anyone would think badly of someone not going that didn't really know the deceased at all.

stoneill · 30-10-2013 4:13pm

I'm sorry for your loss, move on.

Red_Dwarf · 30-10-2013 4:13pm

Eh How about calling your ex and give them your condolences over the phone and mention that you would like to attend the funeral and if it would be ok to do so.

Its really not that hard to do rather than just turning up and him/her thinking what the F**K are you doing there.

At least you wont feel like a spare tit if He/She gives you o O <-- That look

ardinn · 30-10-2013 4:18pm

Dont ring them! Jaysus.

Go to the funeral - Make a point of being seen ONCE then head home, or to your new lovers house for some dead people sexy roleplay.

I love me some dead people sexy roleplay i does!!!!

Red_Dwarf · 30-10-2013 4:19pm

ardinn wrote: »

Dont ring them! Jaysus.

why?

ardinn · 30-10-2013 4:21pm

Totes awky momo!! Thats why! Enough on their plate - Go and be seen and leave! Easy!

Santa Cruz · 30-10-2013 4:22pm

Just ask yourself "What would Jimmy Saville do?"

DebDynamite · 30-10-2013 4:26pm

I would say don't go to the funeral, send a text or sympathy card to say you're thinking of them.

Not to sound cruel, but a grandparent dying is not a tragedy and if you've been going out 2 years but only met his grandmother once, perhaps your ex wasn't especially close to them that he needs the extra support.

JOSman · 30-10-2013 4:26pm

Even if she didn't appreciate it, I'm sure the family would. Do go.

Santa Cruz · 30-10-2013 4:30pm

Go. You might get a whisper whether she is mentioned in the will or not. This could change your attitude to a break up

miss no stars · 30-10-2013 4:35pm

Go. Sign the book of condolences if you don't want to do the shaking hands bit.

awec · 30-10-2013 4:44pm

Presumably you and an adult and your ex is an adult. Go to the funeral and shake their hand at the end.

Then be on your way.

Just because you are no longer together doesn't mean that your ex and her family will not appreciate you paying your respects.

westies4ever · 30-10-2013 4:45pm

you could go and be seen but skip the hand shaking part?

Nodster · 30-10-2013 4:49pm

good opportunity to introduce your new partner to your ex

Wattle · 30-10-2013 4:51pm

I was on bad terms with an ex of mine. We hadn't spoken in over 10 years and she sent me a sympathy card when my dad died. Now it doesn't mean that we would get back in contact but I was touched that she made the effort. Maybe sending a card is the way to go.

30-10-2013 5:58pm

miss no stars wrote: »

Go. Sign the book of condolences if you don't want to do the shaking hands bit.

I would suggest the above too. You're not be on good terms right now and it may add to the stress of the day if you have a face to face moment. But later down the line, when your ex or their family are reading through the book of condolences, they will see your name and they will appreciate the fact that you attended and treated the situation with respect

197th User Id · 30-10-2013 6:03pm

A card and nothing more.

Don't go mixing strange concoctions. Something could blow up.

porsche959 · 30-10-2013 6:55pm

In the book "High Fidelity" the narrator gets back with his ex at her father's funeral.

Just sayin', is all.

Fentdog84 · 30-10-2013 7:47pm

Nah, if your not on good terms with the ex why would you bother like. The again Im not really one for funerals and this whole ''paying your respects'' lark to someone you barely knew.

FurQyou · 30-10-2013 7:55pm

You could just ask if you are wanted there?

Raminahobbin · 30-10-2013 8:03pm

Definitely go. Don't hang around, but pay your respects. Presumably you once both felt something for each other, and in times like this you put stuff aside and just let them know you're thinking of them. It's the act of support that matters.

If it was me, I'd call them to see how they were doing and mention I'd like to go to the funeral- temporary halt on the no-contact rule is fine in times like this.

Just be careful not to let anything rekindle if the ex goes looking for comfort.

Conmaicne Mara · 30-10-2013 8:22pm

Don't go.

notnumber · 30-10-2013 8:56pm

Madhatter85 wrote: »

Hi all, am new to this so please tell m if I posted on the wrong place,
Just wondering what is the way to go around dealing with an ex who has lost a family member? My ex of two years lost a grandparent the other day and I am wondering is it ok for me to attend the shaking of the hands part?
We are currently not on the best terms as breakup is still very new (we have both agreed to take some time away from each other to heal from this breakup) but I do care about my ex a lot and realise this death will have upset them deeply.
Not really sure where I stand , if its inappropriate of me to go, would a text message suffice or should Ijust leave it?
I would also like to add that I had a great relationship with Ex's family but had met the deceased only once before.
Thanks

Sounds like you want to but dunno if she would appreciate it ..you are trying to get back into ..did she turn to for support in her hour of need? No then move on man. 'My ex of two years ' says it all ..

wexandproud · 30-10-2013 9:12pm

was in a somewhat similar situation recently. you should go and express your sympathy, if you dont you could regret it. the family will respect you for it and will understand that not all relationships work out

howyanow · 30-10-2013 9:46pm

I wouldn't bother going for a grandparent,not been disrespectful but a simple text or phone call would suffice and maybe a follow up call few days after.

Etiquette regarding Ex's Family Funeral

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