loveless marriage (sexless marriage)

LegacyUser

here it goes.
been married a long time. we have a couple of kids, not naturally though (problems).
my wife says she loves me with all her heart. but my problem is we've never once made love. we have talked about this lots of times and she has said she'll try but it's never happened. before we met i had a great love life. the kids stay with a childminder and every time i see her i think of what i'm missing. i've no interest in the childminder. it's like my eyes have opened up that there are lots of other women out there. i've been like this a long time. sometimes i go to post this on boards then pull out at the last minute. fact is i'm not getting any younger.
most of the time i wish i could get away for just one full day to be with someone else to know and feel whats it's like to make love again and be loved sexually.

im confused again

That is peculiar that you have never made love. is it a medical problem, if so then perhaps your doctor could give some advice on how to overcome the problem.

making love is so important in a relationship, never mind the sexual needs of the person but the closeness of making love is so important.

If it is not a medical issue then perhaps you should try couples counselling to see if you can overcome the problem.

If it is just sex that is the problem, you can still play around in other ways to satisfy each others sexual needs, although it will always fall short of the feeling of making love.

Tasden

This issue was discussed here before not too long ago.
I dunno if your situation is similar though- have you and your wife discussed this? Like has she dismissed it? Is it a recurring source of arguments?

I'm assuming it is..?
Is she willing to speak to a professional about it?

Honestly, I think life is too short not to feel love and affection from another person in the form of sex/intimacy. Is there any affection? Do you kiss/touch/cuddle?

ibarelycare

This is quite shocking. You've never had sex with your wife? Can I ask why it's not something that was addressed before you got married?

You haven't said the reason you don't have sex. Is it because you can't have sex, or because your wife won't have sex. If it's a physical problem have you ever sought any medical help? Have you ever done counselling?

There are people that have sexless marriages. That's fine, as long as both parties are ok with it. But obviously you're not. Sex is a basic human instinct, and it is very sad that you're living your life without it.

eviltwin

OP I really feel for you, its shocking to read you have been married a long time and never made love. Just out of interest do you mean you have never had intercourse or do you mean you have never had that emotional connection through sex with your wife?

You don't give us much to go on though, you mention a medical issue re your children so is that also playing into the lack of sex or is it something else? How did you know you couldn't conceive without having intercourse

Do you have any other physical connection with your wife, do you kiss or cuddle or anything else?

December2012

You and your wife (or you separately) could go and speak with a marriage therapist about it.

I understand that you have a sexless marriage, but you called it a loveless marriage. The two terms are not mutually exclusive.

Do you love your wife?

Does she love you?

Do you or she show it in other ways?

Sleepy

Is an unconsummated marriage even a marriage?!

eviltwin

Sleepy wrote: »

Is an unconsummated marriage even a marriage?!

That's what I find odd, the OP has kids, he doesn't say they were adopted just that there were problems. How could you know there were problems unless you had been having sex?

Hopefully the OP will come back and explain a bit more.

dipdip

Sleepy wrote: »

Is an unconsummated marriage even a marriage?!

In the church it's grounds for annulment.

OP you're in a mess. Don't cheat: it will make things worse. Make steps to fix this OR accept things as they are OR leave.

I feel for you. Good luck.

Merkin

Sleepy wrote: »

Is an unconsummated marriage even a marriage?!

It's actually not, you can get an annulment fairly easily for a non consummated marriage.

OP why have you never had sex with your wife?

The Corinthian

eviltwin wrote: »

That's what I find odd, the OP has kids, he doesn't say they were adopted just that there were problems. How could you know there were problems unless you had been having sex?

IVF.

Hopefully the OP will come back and explain a bit more.

TBH, I think unless he does so, any advice would be a random shot in the dark. He really needs to explain the nature of his relationship, sexual and otherwise, with his wife, from the beginning.

LegacyUser

hi all o.p. here

December2012 wrote: »

I understand that you have a sexless marriage, but you called it a loveless marriage. The two terms are not mutually exclusive.

Do you love your wife?

Does she love you?

Do you or she show it in other ways?

december you are quite correct in saying it's a sexless marriage. maybe i should've named the thread that. but unfortunately when posting in forums like this you dont get much time.
yes i love her, shes loves me more. the only ways we show affection is either with a small cuddle or a goodbye kiss when either of us is going to work and thats really all.
she was brought up in a very religious way, no sex before marriage , never allowed any boyfriends and so on. she did go to a counselor many months ago about her upbringing which opened a can of worms.
but getting back. we have tried to have sex for many years and each time it goes pear shaped. i know it's at the bottom of her list but anytime we try i feel shes just doing it to try and keep me as i had a melt down months ago over the issue which is what led to her going for counselling.the impression i get is she doesn't like having sex at all.
the reality is i'm missing it more than ever now and i want to know whats it feels like again. put it this way it's over 15 years since i last made love to a woman and as i said i'm not getting any younger.
posters are asking about the kids end of things which i prefer not to answer as this is not the issue i have and it's not fair in bringing them into this. i will however get in touch with a mod to clarify a few things if need be.

Merkin

Isn't this your second thread on the topic in as many months?

Did you heed any of the advice given in the last thread OP?

Big Bag of Chips

OP, no need to clarify with a mod. I think you posted here before, and were in touch with a mod at that time?

To be honest, the problem here is your wife. If she's not willing to change, then, nothing will change. You say she went to counselling months ago, because you had a bit of a melt down. So did she go just to keep you quiet, or did she genuinely want to get help? If this is an issue that she has had her entire life a few weeks of counselling isn't going to sort it. If it's taken years to get to this point, it could take years to get over it. She needs to keep going to counselling until she works through it. But I get the impression she doesn't want to work it out. After all, you've hung around for 15 years, got married, had kids, and are still there.... Why does she need to change? She has everything she wants.

So, if she's not going to change, you have a number of choices.

-Stay, and accept you will never again have sex.
-Leave and be free to find someone who you can be happy with.
-Have an affair.

That's it. That's all you can do.

Sleepy

Option Discuss opening up your marriage with her.
Option E: Get her back into counselling.

Option D could well lead to option E here. It sounds like she never finished her counselling. A can of worms needs to be opened before they can be dealt with. If she just went, discovered her issues and didn't bother trying to address them.

Honestly, as far as I'd be concerned if she won't work through those issues, she doesn't love you.

eatprayblahhh

Im posting here under a sudoname .. but oh dear god you poor man.
That isnt fair on you, but it isnt fair on either of you to stay in a marriage that is causing you so much pain. We all have physical needs, which should be addressed as much as any other need, hunger warmth etc.
You dont owe anyone anything, go get yourself some happy. If you can be friends after the split for the children's sake that woul dbe great. But Dont wait until your almost in your coffin.
We all deserve to be loved :-(

FLOWERS1

Dear OP I can relate I have opened a tread myself with a very similar issue (I need to feel desired by my man) , my partner and I do have sex once a week and it's to keep me happy however I don't feel desired by him but he is attentive in every other way and I feel loved by him

You've been with you wife years so obviously there is love as she has tried to seek help and is trying to please you and that's why it makes making any kind of decision very difficult,
Sex is not the be all and end all but I agree it's very important, some posters suggest an open relationship not recognising that you may want your wife not some random physical exploit, and some people cannot understand that if your not enjoying a sex life with your partner how could you value your relationship, and I don't think some of the poster's here can appreciate how difficult this might be for your wife also i.e. "opening the can of worms" suggesting that if she doesn't resolve this that she doesn't love you, which from what I gather is not the case

This is such a difficult and complex issue and as I'm facing a similar issue I cannot offer any advice but I really wish you the best and hope you find a solution