Is this the end for my boyfriend and me?

stoneacrow

I've been going out with my boyfriend for over a year and a half. We're in our mid twenties. We love each other to pieces and we've never had anything as great before. We've been talking about marriage and staying together for the long haul for some time now. Recently we decided we'd get engaged in a year's time.

He grew up on a farm but we both now live in the capital (I grew up here). The other night we were talking about our careers and he said he wanted to return home and live/work/settle on the farm in 5 years time. It kind of knocked me for six. Living in rural Ireland is the last thing I want to do.

I know he loves where he's from. In our very early days (2nd date maybe!)he told me he'd like to move home at some point. I told him I loved cities and I'd like to live here or somewhere bigger. Then we awkwardly changed the subject because obviously the second date is far to early to be talking about your future together, or lack of!

Since then, though, he's never really mentioned it again - until now. I suppose I thought he'd changed his mind, or that it had been just a vague idea. In our time together he talked about the lack of money in farming. He talked about the importance of living in Dublin in order to meet people. He spoke about his future job options here. Our profession (we do the same thing) tends to be more of a city based one. He's worked hard at his job here for the last few years. All this, added to the fact that he hadn't been talking about moving back to the farm, and the fact that.. well, I'm here, and he met me here, led me to believe that we'd eventually settle here.

We have had lots of discussions about the future before and up to now we wanted the same things. We agreed that we'd like to spend a year working in a major world city, travel a bit, but eventually settle in Ireland (we didn't specify where..ha). We said we probably wanted kids. We wanted to make sure we always spent enough time together as a couple and had lots of fun times as we got older. Now there's this.

I've never seen myself settling in the country. It's nice for a visit, but I feel like I don't fit there, that I wouldn't be happy there. It's cities that I find exciting and interesting and I just don't think rural life is for me. The thought of moving there for good at 30 makes me feel a bit down. And then there's my own career. I am reasonably ambitious and would like to pursue the better job opportunities available here. A move would take that away from me somewhat.

The farm isn't big enough to make a living on alone. He says he'll supplement it with a job (in our area of work) closer to home. I could do that too, of course, but I feel like he'll be going down to pursue his hobby, farming, he doesn't care about his other job as long as it pays the bills, and there's not much space left for my desires.

He says he doesn't want to settle in 'suburbia'. All other areas of our relationship are brilliant but this seems like an insurmountable obstacle. I want him to be happy but living on a farm isn't what I want in life.

I would appreciate your thoughts, thanks!

Calhoun

Hi OP,

This is one of those times when communication and compromise are key, both sides of this discussion are equally valid but one or both of you need to compromise.

I also would change my tact of I were you, rather than being led to believe he would settle in Dublin you assumed he would, just pointing this out as for fairness sake it was a communication issue on both sides.

Have you both tried sitting down and going through the pro's and con's of each option ? Maybe getting it down on paper will help clarify both your thoughts on it.

Could you compromise by moving to a big town near the farm or is it close enough to commute from ? Or could you work remotely? Or could you trial it for a year or two ?

Final thing you both need to answer is what do you want out of a life together, where would that best be achieved ? And really question if this is a deal breaker, I say this as over time circumstances and opinions change, one or both of you may change opinion on what has want.

Sorry for the not so straight answer, this isn't black and white there is allot for you and him to think about. If you are to get engaged and then married I would move away from the thought process about what you want or don't want to do, you are a partner ship and all decisions need to be discussed and agreed together . Sometimes you will compromise, sometimes he will and sometimes you both will but it's important that you at least try to compromise because if one of you doesn't the other will resent them.

LegacyUser

It's all down to how willing you are to compromise, and in my case, we both made a lot of compromises and took some chances and things have worked out.

I had a near identical situation when I started seeing my bf in 2008, and I have a tendency to overthink, overanalyse. I knew from the early days that while he was working in my city at that time, [we both work in the same place] it was always in his plan to return home to his family farm in Donegal and work from there. He didn't expect to make a living at farming so would try freelancing on the side using the skills from the job we both worked.

I am very ambitious and there would be no work opportunities for me in Donegal, so I would be going from city background to housewife/farmhand? This was completely off-putting for me in my mid 20s, the word 'housewife' sent shivers down my spine, and I considered ending the relationship several times as I saw us as not compatible on that front, where he is very easy-going and never thought into it.

5 years on and we are still very much together and plan to marry next year.

We have made some large compromises, and we have both changed a lot as people in those 5 years. He is early 30s and I am now 29. I am a completely different person to who I was then. I feared a life where I couldn't walk to the shop or the cinema, but when I thought about it, I never walked anywhere anyway, I drove or got the bus. Was adding a little extra time onto my commute that devastating to my life?

We plan to start a family after we are married, previously I had never wanted kids but in the past 2 years, I finally began to open to the idea, and I realised that I did not want to raise kids in the city.

We turned many of our weekends into a trial of what it would be like to live on the farm in Donegal. My boyfriend had actually already built a house on the farm by the time we started seeing each other, so he was very settled on the idea of moving home and being near his siblings and parents.

I knew after the first weekend staying there that I just could not live in Donegal, and I quickly realised it wasn't the farm or that life that was the problem, it was being so far away from my family and friends, and my number one issue became his extremely nosey mother, who is a stereotypical farm mammy, where nothing is ever good enough for her sons and no matter what I would do, it wouldn't be how they do it on the farm. She deeply resented 'the city girl' and that would never change. She expected me to totter around the farm in high heels and complain about the smell of slurry. I went above and beyond to embrace country life, I wasn't afraid of muck or getting dirty, but it was never enough.

I was never a cook but got into baking bread, but of course my bread was never a patch on bread made by the hands of a woman from the country..

I knew that if I compromised on living there, and should we raise children there, the MIL would be stuck in the middle of every decision we made, constantly interfering and judging.

At the same time, I adore animals, and came to really enjoy taking care of little lambs and romantic sunday strolls in the countryside. I think maturity changed my outlook hugely.

I tried to be as positive as I could about the weekends spent there but my bf could see I wasn't happy. He was thankful to me for being willing to compromise however and respected how much of an effort I made to embrace his life in Donegal.

I wish now I had not spent so much time overthinking the whole thing as he ended up realising of his own accord that the romantic dream of going home to the farm and actually doing it were quite different.
He realised that he couldn't handle living so close to his parents who were constantly meddling in everything he did. Down to how he chose to polish his car, what colour rug he put in the bedroom or how he mowed the lawn.
They were also constantly depending on him to do every DIY job they could dream up, where before they had done it themselves. He noticed them becoming increasingly helpless [both only in their late 50s, perfectly healthy and other sons living in their home] and began to question if he wanted to spend the rest of his days running to their every need while his siblings who had stayed at home on the farm were seen as 'unskilled' and they didn't bother depending on them. He had gone away and got an education and they saw him as a source of help in every way.

He also realised that he would not be able to freelance work from home due to his parents meddling, as they would either take up all of his free time, or be stuck in the middle of his business and telling him how he ought to do it.


Our compromise ended up being living on a small hobby farm, but on the outskirts of my city, where we are both continuing to work in the same job. I am continuing to excel at work and while he does most of the farming in the evenings, I enjoy helping where possible and we have a lot of fun many weekends planting trees, fixing fences, chasing sheep.

Gardening and cookery were the most boring things on earth to me a few years ago, but now I have a vegetable garden and love that we can be completely self sufficient should we choose. It's probably maturity and a more open mind that changed my outlook. I stopped finding the term 'housewife' offensive when I knew I didn't HAVE to do it, I wasn't being forced into the position, but I could enjoy feeling homely, and still working full time in the city.

I now have a horse, somewhere safe for cats and dogs to be outside, some hens wandering the yard - fresh eggs daily, and I know it will be a perfect wonderful environment to raise children compared to the city. It is a friendly, safe and educational environment for kids. There is a small school nearby where they will get a far better education with tiny class sizes.

I think it's important not to allow yourself to look down on rural life, or see it as backward/old-fashioned. I probably did in the early days, the thought of being surrounded by farmers wasn't very appealing to me, but my outlook has changed completely.

I adore the fact that should we decide to go away for a long weekend, there are farming neighbours happy to feed the cats and dog; with city living this was never an option.

I don't believe I could ever have settled in Donegal as I found his [very isolated] region to be extremely cliquey and I would've eternally been seen as a blow-in. We still visit his home once every few weekends, and it's fine for a weekend but we're both happy with the choice we made.


He has his farm now, which was something he had always set his heart on and something he didn't feel he could compromise on, and I am near my city.

Neither of us are too close to our families, so don't get smothered by them, but mine are close enough that it's easy visit if we want to.

While he is further away from the friends he grew up with, he had already long since moved out of his comfort zone for our job many years earlier and had easily made many friends in our city which we both still have. We also now have many friends where we live.

We are on the outskirts of a village that has everything we need, and if we want city life, we drive the half hour to it.

I think you need to go into this with an open mind, are you willing to compromise? If yes, show him that you are, and give it a genuine chance. Allow yourself to experience the country a little. Go stay with him in the area he plans to return to. Is it really that bad? If you open your mind and forget any ideas you may have about that lifestyle, can you see the positives? Perhaps you can find a compromise similar to mine? My life is so much more fulfilled now that we have space around our house, privacy, a huge garden, lots of pets. I can't believe I lived in a crowded city so many years and didn't notice how trapped I was into that lifestyle.

We also have a very large home that we never could've had in the city. Even little things like the huge amount of clothes storage I have improve my life, compared to when we lived in flats and semi-detached houses in the city.

If you are planning on having kids, weigh up the lifestyles of them growing up in a city versus the country. It is still a relatively new relationship, so I wouldn't become entirely focused on all of these issues yet, but it's wise to keep them in the back of your mind. And also to keep in mind that your opinions and interests may change over the next few years. Allow your mind to be open to it, as that was something that would've prevented me from living my current life in my early 20s.

And to contradict everything I'm saying above, try not to overanalyse and overthink. I know it is difficult not to, but you never know where life could take you, when a job could change, or how your outlook could differ in a few years.

If you really don't feel you can embrace his dreams, and if he is completely unwilling to compromise with you, perhaps you need to question if you're in the right relationship.

homerjay2005

in 5 years time, you and him could have an entirely different outlook on life. it could be you that want to live in the country and him in the City. i know several people who once kids arrive and they change their mind. you will go out less as you get older, you will have different needs.

i wouldnt worry about it now.