Intimidating housemate.

Ed293

I'm a girl in my late 20s who just recently moved into shared accommodation with two guys and another girl. One of the guys I live with is becoming increasingly intimidating towards me and I'm not sure what my rights are.
This man is in his mid 30s and cornered me alone on Sunday evening for having 2 guests to stay for the weekend(my own business). He was quite aggressive in his tone of voice and I was very frightened after it.
This man smokes tobacco (and other stuff) in his bedroom and has frequent overnight visitors.
The encounter has left me very shook but I don't want to be forced out of the house. I get on very well with the other two in the house. He also intimidates the other girl and we would love if he would move out.
Any advice anyone?

The_Morrigan

Tell the landlord firstly and if it happens again call the gardai.

Santa Cruz

Why put up with this? Unless the landlord gets rid of him you are stuck with him. Cut your losses and go. Tell the landlord why you are leaving.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Get the other girl to make a complaint too.

wirelessdude01

Where did the guests sleep? Were ye noisy/take over the living space? Just wondering what his exact issue was?

CatFromHue

Is there are rights or laws regarding housemates? Other than the general laws of the land.

My advice would be it's just not worth the hassle getting into a to with a pain in the backside housemate.

Ed293

Guest slept in the spare room, we weren't noisy and only spent a very short amount of time actually in the house. He is just very unreasonable and seems to rule the roost which is very unfair.
I'm contemplating getting on to the landlord about it but am uncomfortable at how said housemate might react.....

wirelessdude01

Did you let the other housemates know that you were having people over? It is common courtesy to tell them. A girl renting a room in my house had people here last night and they made such a lot of noise. Waiting for her to come home to tell her that it isn't on and that if it happens again she is out. They left the place in a state this morning.

Ed293

Also I think he is being very unreasonable taking up issue with me on this when he is very difficult to live with himself. EG smoking in his room, being messy and generally behaving strangely.

wirelessdude01

Ed293 wrote: »

Also I think he is being very unreasonable taking up issue with me on this when he is very difficult to live with himself. EG smoking in his room, being messy and generally behaving strangely.

In what way?

Ed293

I let the other housemates know but not him as I didn't see him. Plus why should I have ask permission to have guests over?

NewBeefFarmer

after renting from 1998 to 2010 i met all sorts, and tried all sorts when not happy. . .

and i can tell ya. . . the only way is be happy, and to do that, as said above. . . move out. . . . tonnes of places to live. . . . may not be A1 pad. but hey, if a house with 80% looking comparing to this one, or even 60% . . isnt that better than living where u are now with that house mate. . .


Trust me. . .. This is the same as an employee fighting with another employee or employer. . . .. never ends well for you.

people will say on fight back. . .

ull bring it up with the landlord. . .
then next monday he will speak with the house mate.
then he will tell you he gave him a warning,
all the while you are not living in that house like u should be,
then something happens again in late Nov.
you get on to landlord. . .
he doesnt care as the tenant is paying his rent. . . .

OR

Move out tomorrow. . .
I know what id be doing. . .

wirelessdude01

Ed293 wrote: »

I let the other housemates know but not him as I didn't see him. Plus why should I have ask permission to have guests over?

It is common courtesy to let all the housemates know. What if your guests had arrived and he had also arranged for people to stay? What then?

In every place I have rented it is regarded as the right thing to do to tell the others if you plan on having someone to stay even if it is in your room.

wirelessdude01

NewBeefFarmer wrote: »

he doesnt care as the tenant is paying his rent. . . .

Really isn't anything to do with the LL. He rents a house and not his issue if tenants don't get on once the rent is paid on time each month. I someone moves out it is up to the lease holder(s) to get someone else in or they can split the additional rent between them.

Ed293

I do agree with you to a degree but he doesn't live by his own standards. If he did he would let us know when he was having an overnight guest.

efb

Housemates- urgh I hated it. Live on my own now I actually love it! My house, my rules!

NewBeefFarmer

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Really isn't anything to do with the LL. He rents a house and not his issue if tenants don't get on once the rent is paid on time each month. I someone moves out it is up to the lease holder(s) to get someone else in or they can split the additional rent between them.

no mention if the house is leased to one person, or individually on room by room basis. .

it will be the landlords problem if the house is rented room by room and tenants keep leaving because of this ucker

srsly78

Just waiting for the inevitable thread: "A new girl moved into our shared house and she seems to have moved her friends into the spare room without even telling anyone. When confronted over this she was very passive aggressive about it and I'm unsure how to proceed."

wirelessdude01

Ed293 wrote: »

I do agree with you to a degree but he doesn't live by his own standards. If he did he would let us know when he was having an overnight guest.

Have any of you actually said it to him and also tit for tat doesn't work. Been in enough places to know that it only festers resentment.

NewBeefFarmer

i just think you had bad luck, u can get good house mates. . .

NewBeefFarmer

srsly78 wrote: »

Just waiting for the inevitable thread: "A new girl moved into our shared house and she seems to have moved her friends into the spare room without even telling anyone. When confronted over this she was very passive aggressive about it and I'm unsure how to proceed."

seriously. . . . was there no other thread appealing to you on boards tonight.

Ed293

srsly78 wrote: »

Just waiting for the inevitable thread: "A new girl moved into our shared house and she seems to have moved her friends into the spare room without even telling anyone. When confronted over this she was very passive aggressive about it and I'm unsure how to proceed."

I was in no way passive aggressive about it. I stood up for myself and posted this thread for advice on my rights. The guests staying over isn't the issue as such. it is his intimidating and bullying behaviour that all my housemates witness is.

srsly78

No

Ed293

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Have any of you actually said it to him and also tit for tat doesn't work. Been in enough places to know that it only festers resentment.

Yes he is aware of how we feel about his behaviour. I want to know what I can do next.

wirelessdude01

Is the place let by the room or on a lease? Also how long has this guy been in the house?

my teapot is orange

Next time he has one of his frequent visitors, tell him straight that you will not be heeding his little rule if it doesn't apply to him too.

If he ever raises his voice to you, you tell him in the most calm, non-bothered voice you can manage that you're not in the mood for being shouted at, and walk away.

Ed293

Its a lease but I don't think any of the current house mates are actually on the lease. I haven't signed anything anyway. The other girl I live has been there for about nine months and is unhappy also, choosing to spend a lot of her time at her partners house.

wirelessdude01

I would move out. Why bother with this crap when you can probably get a room in another place that is just as nice.

Ed293

I know it would be the best and easiest thing to do but then isn't that letting the bully win? I'm probably a bit too stubborn

Mr.Fred

At the end of the day I assume he's been there a while. You're only in the door.

If you contact your LL and start complaining about tennant that's been paying his rent and hasn't caused any issues before you arrived. The LL may well see the easiest solution is getting rid of you. Harsh but tbh LL don't really want to listen to complaints from their tennants.

It would probably be easiest to move on life's short.

wirelessdude01

Ed293 wrote: »

I know it would be the best and easiest thing to do but then isn't that letting the bully win? I'm probably a bit too stubborn

Life is too long to be fighting these battles but it sounds like you have made your decision so good luck with your battle.

Faith

Jesus, that sounds spookily similar to my ex housemate, except he was well in his 40s. This isn't in cork city is it?

We had that exact situation. Two girls in our 20s, older guy who'd been there for years. Unemployed, slept most of the time, smoked like a chimney, did a lot of drugs, and within a few weeks, started to get stroppy about guests. It culminated in his basically losing his mind when off his head on drugs one evening. We thought he was going to burn the house down with us in it. We'd said it to the landlord about his behaviour previously, but like you, our LL wa only interested in rent. We moved out the next morning and only went back for our stuff. The LL regretted his inaction when he couldn't shift the guy from the house through any means at all.

My advice is MOVE OUT. He won't get better, he'll get worse. Find somewhere else with normal housemates - or better yet, get a place to yourself if you can afford it!

NewBeefFarmer

Faith wrote: »

Two girls in our 20s, older guy who'd been there for years. Unemployed, slept most of the time, smoked like a chimney, did a lot of drugs, and within a few weeks,

why. .. why would you wait more than 1 week in this place :pac:

Faith

NewBeefFarmer wrote: »

why. .. why would you wait more than 1 week in this place :pac:

He just seemed like a harmless hippy stoner until he lost it.

Ed293

Faith wrote: »

Jesus, that sounds spookily similar to my ex housemate, except he was well in his 40s. This isn't in cork city is it?

We had that exact situation. Two girls in our 20s, older guy who'd been there for years. Unemployed, slept most of the time, smoked like a chimney, did a lot of drugs, and within a few weeks, started to get stroppy about guests. It culminated in his basically losing his mind when off his head on drugs one evening. We thought he was going to burn the house down with us in it. We'd said it to the landlord about his behaviour previously, but like you, our LL wa only interested in rent. We moved out the next morning and only went back for our stuff. The LL regretted his inaction when he couldn't shift the guy from the house through any means at all.

My advice is MOVE OUT. He won't get better, he'll get worse. Find somewhere else with normal housemates - or better yet, get a place to yourself if you can afford it!

Ha that's gas, your guy sounds exactly like mine! Yeah probably better moving alright. It's just so frustrating!

cerastes

Need to have a balance between housemates, obviously people being intimidating isn't on

Being new and having people over could seem like pushing it
But also should be allowed to have some guests over at some time

It depends on the circumstances, is this person on the lease and has permission to sublet or is it room by room basis but the tenants arrange it?

There was a program on tv last night about housemates, E4 or more4 I think?

People move in with other they dont suit to live with, without asking some questions of what others are like and are willing to accept or completely unwilling to tolerate.

Media999

Why not just move in with people you know?

Two girls living with a strange old fella is never gonna work out well.

From his point of view he should have a family and his own house by now.

cerastes

Media999 wrote: »

Why not just move in with people you know?

Two girls living with a strange old fella is never gonna work out well.

From his point of view he should have a family and his own house by now.

Thats all ridiculous, no offence
but moving in with people you know can have its own problems

Two girls living with two older fellas wasnt it? why isnt that ever going to work out? its possible

And the last bit is the worst, why should he have a family and his own home??

Anyway, thats off topic but jeez

fasttalkerchat

No lease?

Easy solution! Tell the owner why you need him out, in the meantime, run out the remainder of your time paid, deposit as last month. If its still not sorted by then, you're better off somewhere else.

Victor

What is the arrangement? Are ye renting the property together? Renting separate rooms from the landlord? Does the landlord live on the premises?

Ed293 wrote: »

Plus why should I have ask permission to have guests over?

Not permission, but it would be nice to let the housemates know not to call the Garda if a stranger comes out of the bathroom at 5am.

Media999 wrote: »

From his point of view he should have a family and his own house by now.

How do you know what thinks?

mb30

In fairness if you are living in a "shared" house you shouldnt really have your friends staying over for the weekend your renting a room in a shared house its not a self contained apartment.

You should apologise to this guy shake his hand and tell him it wont happen again problem solved no more friction in the house. You were in the wrong in future show your housemates a bit more respect

Ed293

mb30 wrote: »

In fairness if you are living in a "shared" house you shouldnt really have your friends staying over for the weekend your renting a room in a shared house its not a self contained apartment.

You should apologise to this guy shake his hand and tell him it wont happen again problem solved no more friction in the house. You were in the wrong in future show your housemates a bit more respect

I feel my point is being missed by a lot of people. I can accept that I probably should have mentioned something to him. However that doesn't give him the right to intimidate me to the point where I am frightened.
I had mentioned to the other two what I was doing and they were both 100% fine about it, basically saying why did I even ask.
Also he has a lot of anti social habits that I put up with that I disagree with e.g.. smoking and taking drugs in his room; promiscuous behaviour when he is already in a relationship; leaving washing up for days etc.
I have learned to live with these because it is his business and would prefer to keep the peace. however he seems to have double standards.

wirelessdude01

Ed293 wrote: »

I feel my point is being missed by a lot of people. I can accept that I probably should have mentioned something to him. However that doesn't give him the right to intimidate me to the point where I am frightened.
I had mentioned to the other two what I was doing and they were both 100% fine about it, basically saying why did I even ask.
Also he has a lot of anti social habits that I put up with that I disagree with e.g.. smoking and taking drugs in his room; promiscuous behaviour when he is already in a relationship; leaving washing up for days etc.
I have learned to live with these because it is his business and would prefer to keep the peace. however he seems to have double standards.

This has nothing to do with you really.

Just get out of there. That is the advice you have been given by the majority of us who responded.

cerastes

mb30 wrote: »

In fairness if you are living in a "shared" house you shouldnt really have your friends staying over for the weekend your renting a room in a shared house its not a self contained apartment.

You should apologise to this guy shake his hand and tell him it wont happen again problem solved no more friction in the house. You were in the wrong in future show your housemates a bit more respect

I tend to agree with this, although the OP said the other person does this also.

I think in a shared house, its not really on, the house is for the use of people that live there, if there arent spare rooms, where do guests stay? not like in a persons younger/student years, where its ok for someone to be sprawled out on the floor or kipping on the couch.

I definitely think its not something that should happen without advance notice, and for someone that is only just in the door, I wouldnt think it looks to good for an established tenant to see.

I dissagree with the OP that its not anyone elses business, shared house, agreed rules or problems, hence problems.

callaway92

Ed293 wrote: »

I feel my point is being missed by a lot of people. I can accept that I probably should have mentioned something to him. However that doesn't give him the right to intimidate me to the point where I am frightened.
I had mentioned to the other two what I was doing and they were both 100% fine about it, basically saying why did I even ask.
Also he has a lot of anti social habits that I put up with that I disagree with e.g.. smoking and taking drugs in his room; promiscuous behaviour when he is already in a relationship; leaving washing up for days etc.
I have learned to live with these because it is his business and would prefer to keep the peace. however he seems to have double standards.

You SHOULD have mentioned something to him. Not probably. Like another poster said already, what if one of the guests came out of the bathroom at 5 a.m giving him a scare. Could've been a bad result right there.

To be honest, and maybe it's just the sceptic in me but I feel we aren't getting the whole story here, or at least in the op's sake, getting her biased side of the story.

I dunno why, I just feel that you could be increasingly annoying for your housemate and he finally reached boiling point with you. (Cornering you)

I don't mean offense or anything, but it's just I'm taking what you're writing with a tiny pinch of salt is all.

cerastes

Ed293 wrote: »

I feel my point is being missed by a lot of people. I can accept that I probably should have mentioned something to him. However that doesn't give him the right to intimidate me to the point where I am frightened.
I had mentioned to the other two what I was doing and they were both 100% fine about it, basically saying why did I even ask.
Also he has a lot of anti social habits that I put up with that I disagree with e.g.. smoking and taking drugs in his room; promiscuous behaviour when he is already in a relationship; leaving washing up for days etc.
I have learned to live with these because it is his business and would prefer to keep the peace. however he seems to have double standards.

Him having people in his room, Id suggest thats his own business, if they are in his room, they arent in anyone elses way, presumably not more than one person at a time, compared to a number of guests on the OPs part, I wouldnt really call that double standards. People practically residing and running up bills would be a different story. whether he is in a relationship and doing anything else, really isn't anyone elses business, Id recommend not saying anything about that, they might get more annoyed and Id consider with good reason.

Id have established before moving in were dishes left for days or did people smoke in the house, easy enough to determine if you arent a smoker, smoke permeates a house where people do smoke.

Id make a decision if you want to stay, it would probably be easier to find out what the rules are or if things can be improved rather than leaving but if people are of completely different opinions then parting company is the best thing.

the_syco

Ed293 wrote: »

Plus why should I have ask permission to have guests over?

Because you don't own the house.

I find the fact that you don't like when he has guests staying, yet you have no problem having your own guests over, to be be uncompromising.

Ed293 wrote: »

I had mentioned to the other two what I was doing and they were both 100% fine about it, basically saying why did I even ask.

Did you ask the dude in question?

Ed293 wrote: »

promiscuous behaviour when he is already in a relationship

Why do you think this?

my teapot is orange

I don't like, and I don't think the OP should entertain, the idea that because the OP is new, they have to get permission to do things that others do automatically.

Either it is OK to have people over in this house or it is not.
Either permission is required or it is not.
Same rules for everybody and the OP is entitled to interpret the "unwritten rules" based on what others do.
I don't agree that it's ok for one person, but a new person doing it is "pushing it", like you have to earn your stripes or something. Same rent, same rights.

poundapunnet

cerastes wrote: »

Thats all ridiculous, no offence
but moving in with people you know can have its own problems

Two girls living with two older fellas wasnt it? why isnt that ever going to work out? its possible

And the last bit is the worst, why should he have a family and his own home??

Anyway, thats off topic but jeez

Not saying anyone should have a family and own a house by any age, but after years of house-sharing I'm never again going to share a house with anyone past their mid thirties still renting rooms in shared houses, I've done it several times and they've all been mental or horrible. Not that there aren't mental/horrible people in every age bracket but I've been burned too many times to give older house sharers the benefit of the doubt any more.

(Actually in fairness though I've never lived in stupid expensive Dublin, maybe people have to go on house sharing for longer there)

my teapot is orange

poundapunnet wrote: »

Not saying anyone should have a family and own a house by any age, but after years of house-sharing I'm never again going to share a house with anyone past their mid thirties still renting rooms in shared houses, I've done it several times and they've all been mental or horrible. Not that there aren't mental/horrible people in every age bracket but I've been burned too many times to give older house sharers the benefit of the doubt any more.

(Actually in fairness though I've never lived in stupid expensive Dublin, maybe people have to go on house sharing for longer there)

This bit is true. There are a lot of Londoners on boards too and that is 10 times worse.

On the age thing, I have had similar experiences.