how does he feel? :(

marykitty47

So i work in the same dept store as this guy and we got together a few times over a 2 year period. I told him how i felt about him but he said he didn't feel the same as me so i told him us been together had to stop and i tried to keep my distance but we have since become really close friends and we spent alot of time together going out for dinner and cinema. I suppose i still feel the same for him but i don't want to allow my feelings to come back because i really liked him. Last year i was really upset on a night out and i rang him turned out he was with another girl that night. i was so so upset and he has since apologised saying he was so drunk but nothing happened. we literally do spend 4/5 nights a week together. we haven't been together in over a year until last month on a night out he wanted to come back so allowed him to nothing happened as i put a stop to it as i don't want to get the feelings back again. He does absolutely anything for him whatever i ask. Am i clutching at straws that something will eventually come of this?
He has been away since the last time we were together for work but we are in contact daily.
Any advice will be very helpful.
thanks

LegacyUser

I personally think he is massaging his ego. If he really wanted to be with you - he would be. I know you say you are keeping your feelings out of this but honestly are you really? It doesnt look like you are anyway! He knows quite well how you feel so maybe you should take a step back from this friendship for a while and see how it goes.

I had a similar friendship with a guy I was mad about, told him how I felt, he didnt feel the same and I hung around for ages thinking he would change his mind - he never did. Lesson learned big time for me!

marykitty47

he is constantly questioning me also to see if I was with/seeing anyone

JaneeMack

Why don't you just ask him how he feels?

If he still doesn't feel the same towards you as you do towards him, I think you should decide whether you want to continue seeing him?

marykitty47

Yeah I asked him 2 years ago and he said he didn't feel the same. But since then we have become so so close spending all our spare time together even though nothing happens. He wants to spend all this time with me

Geomy

marykitty47 wrote: »

he is constantly questioning me also to see if I was with/seeing anyone

Move on is my suggestion, he sounds like a selfish guy.

I don't think it's right for him to be asking you who your with etc, sounds like a here today gone tomorrow kinda guy....

IrishEyes19

OP, I've been there. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. you have to view it this way. if you spend all this time with him during the week, if he previously knew how you felt but he said he didnt feel the same, and if he has a had ample opportunity to make a move and ask you out properly, he would have. I know it hurts, but he wont change his mind. Alcohol and nights out are the worst, people get silly on drink, they text when they shouldn't, they ask you back when they shouldnt, and then you, OP, end up wondering if they have feelings. His sober words are honest words, OP. Cut this now before it gets worse. you are setting yourself up for disaster. By all means talk to him again, but could that be awkward or end the friendship. its something you need to consider

ivytwine

Totally agree with Irish Eyes. Don't waste your time on this guy. He's asking you who you're seeing because, although he doesn't want you, he wants you to want him.

He would be with you if he wanted you. Sorry to be harsh, but I've been in that cycle to and you need to hear it.

While you are wasting time on him, you're missing the chance to see another great guy (or several guys!) Let him go. You deserve better than being someone's option x

marykitty47

ivytwine wrote: »

Totally agree with Irish Eyes. Don't waste your time on this guy. He's asking you who you're seeing because, although he doesn't want you, he wants you to want him.

He would be with you if he wanted you. Sorry to be harsh, but I've been in that cycle to and you need to hear it.

While you are wasting time on him, you're missing the chance to see another great guy (or several guys!) Let him go. You deserve better than being someone's option x

Yeah I agree it has taking me this long to see it. I just want to just scream at him and tell him how much he has put me through over the last 2 years. I've tried to end our friendship numerous times but he just doesn't want to let go. I know myself that he is holding me back from meeting other guys(as much as I don't want to say it). I find myself getting so upset over him, crying and I know I shouldn't put myself through this that I deserve better then him. I'll talk to him again to try and end this friendship but I know it is going to be the same thing again - that I mean way too much to him to let go

Big Bag of Chips

marykitty47 wrote: »

I know myself that he is holding me back from meeting other guys....

But you aren't holding him back from meeting other girls! He has the comfort of a friendship with you, and the freedom to go out, get drunk and get with other girls. And to be honest - he's not doing anything wrong.. you're not together!

There's a good tongue-in-cheek line, but I think it fits your situation perfectly... "How can I miss you, if you won't go away?"

If you are always available to him. Always there to be a friend etc.. he knows you are mad about him, but he also knows that you are not "together" so he can go off with other girls, and always have you to fall back on. He likes the attention he gets from you. I'm sure he really really does like you as a friend, but that's it. If you stick around, being his friend but wanting more, and hoping he'll change, then you are only setting yourself up to be upset. You need to stop being available to him. Be "busy" when he calls or texts. Be "going out" when he wants to meet up with you... If you are not so available to him, he might realise that he wants more from you than "just friends".

If he does... great!

If he doesn't... at least you've made a start at moving on from the stalemate you're in now.

Edit: By the way - why do you feel the need to talk to him to end the friendship? Life isn't a soap opera. We don't always have to sit down and "talk it out". You have tried ending the friendship before and he has pulled you back. So don't give him the chance this time. Just start "drifting" apart. Like I mentioned above, just stop being so available to him. You are in daily contact? That's the first thing to stop. You spend 4 or 5 nights a week together? That's the second! You can still reply to the odd text. But keep it brief. Don't meet up with him any night for the next few weeks, and just see what happens.

You know you need to end this friendship for your own sake. So do it. He's getting on fine with the friendship, by the way, that's why he's happy to keep it up. But it's not working for you. So you are the one you need to start thinking of. Find something you enjoy doing, and get out and do it rather than meeting up with him. There are loads of things that start up over the winter months, to keep people busy. Meet up with your other friends. He will be fine, if you are no longer his "best friend"... same way as you'll be fine too - eventually!

marykitty47

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

But you aren't holding him back from meeting other girls! He has the comfort of a friendship with you, and the freedom to go out, get drunk and get with other girls. And to be honest - he's not doing anything wrong.. you're not together!QUOTE]

I know he is not with other girls 100% but I know that has nothing to do with him that is his decision he prefers to go home after a night out(on the rare occasion he odes go out maybe once every 2 months) then to be with other girls. Thanks I think i'll take your advice and try and put some distance between us - i'm busy, going out etc. From reading the post above I am been stupid thinking he has some sort of feelings for me because if he did he would have asked me out by now. I just wish that I wasn't stupid enough in the past and think something might come of this when we were together

Big Bag of Chips

He's not with other girls the whole time.. but he is free to be if he wants. That's what I mean by you are not holding him back. Because he's not sitting around waiting for you to change your mind about him!

You are sitting waiting...

He's not.

If he's not with other girls, that's because he chooses not to be. You're not with other guys, because you are too hung up on him.

IrishEyes19

marykitty47 wrote: »

Yeah I agree it has taking me this long to see it. I just want to just scream at him and tell him how much he has put me through over the last 2 years. I've tried to end our friendship numerous times but he just doesn't want to let go. I know myself that he is holding me back from meeting other guys(as much as I don't want to say it). I find myself getting so upset over him, crying and I know I shouldn't put myself through this that I deserve better then him. I'll talk to him again to try and end this friendship but I know it is going to be the same thing again - that I mean way too much to him to let go

Not to mention he wont have a clue what you mean by what he put you through for the last two years, because as far as he is concerned, he told you he didn't want anything and so anytime you pursued him or "kissed" him after he told you...... that was fair game, he defined the "scenario" for you. it was up to you do feel however you want about it, nothing was changing on his part.

You have to be certain you are ending the friendship because you want the end, not just for dramatic effect hoping the shock factor will convince him. It won't! It might sustain for a while, it might lead to a few emotional texts or chats here and there, but unless he soberly says, "I want to be with you properly" you should never take any of his other words to heart.

Do you actually care for him, or are you in love with the idea of it. I'm only asking because you are chasing after someone who hasn't been very nice to you. What do you actually like about him? Has he been considerate of your feelings, respected how much this hurts you and kept his distance as best as he can. Don't think he has, OP! You need to burn those rose tinted glasses and get out there. You are holding you back from other guys, not him. In fact he kissed another girl. so trust me he is not crying at home over this.

Now the harsh part is over. You seem like a nice person who has fallen hard for this guy. Time to pull yourself back up.

ivytwine

Big Bag of Chips is spot on. Just start drifting. I did that in my situation because I literally could not take any more from this guy. It was easier for me because I didn't have to see him every day, but it also hammered home the fact that I didn't really mean all that much to him, even as a friend.

Because I made the decision in August, and I heard nothing from him until the following December!

I know when you work with someone it's harder, but at least try and put some emotional distance between you. Try not to be alone with him, on nights out stick to a safe limit of drinks and stick with other people.

I know so well that the last two years have been hard for you, but don't feel as if you have wasted them. I could regret the time I wasted on something impossible (mine was impossible, let me tell you!) but there's no point in beating yourself up because you fell for someone, it's the most natural thing in the world. But now's the time to put you first, and give yourself the chance to be a happier person- without this man in your life. x

Taltos

Closed as OP has opened another thread.