Haven't had sex since 2008

LegacyUser

I'm 26 and i haven't had sex since my last girlfriend and i split up in 2008. I missed her a lot for years and to be honest while i'm long over her now i've just never had the same connection since with anybody else*. And something in my head is saying to me that i never will.

I'm active enough and not shy. I have a heavily customer based role and i speak with hundreds of people every day face to face. I have no problem talking to them even getting a laugh out of most and i was even asked out by one the other day but its not something i'd consider acceptable in work. I'm kinda flirty and i'd always have a laugh or a flirt with any female customers and generally get along well with most people.

Problem is once i leave work and am in a social situation with a few drinks i just cant do the same thing. I've literally forgotten how to pick up women in nightclubs/bars. And while if i do manage to strike up a conversation with a girl it rarely ever turns into a snog and never ends up with me going home with them. I think i've lost my confidence i had before as maybe 5 - 10 years ago i'd always be the one who would be off snogging women while out.

I've heard of Tinder and such apps but from what i've heard from friends its full of people just out for the quick ride and thats it. But being honest i'm not really that kind of guy. Even after 5 years i don't have any desire to go out meet some skank and just ride her for the sake of it to end the drought. I'm not saying i'd like a relationship either but i'd like something in between if you get me, if i met the right girl.

I contemplated a hooker at one stage but i wouldn't do that either i don't think. But its getting ridiculous at this stage after over 5 years!

Any advice appreciated

* I've had one girl i was seeing for a while in between but it lasted 12 weeks before i cut her off and we didn't have sex. I've also a best friend i fancy the hole off but i'm in the friend-zone there and cant get out i know her so long. She and i have essentially been playing Boyfriend and Girlfriend for the last five years but without benefits. We snogged each other for a while at one occasion but that was it. And i don't want to ruin our friendship either if i didn't work out. So i'm basically ****ed on the relationship front all together.

Potatoeman

Do some online dating. You put in what you are looking for. Its not just for hookups. I work with two women that meet their husbands through these sites. You need to put some effort into it though.

Idle Passerby

Could it be that you and your friend "playing boyfriend and girlfriend" is giving other women the impression that you are taken? Or you dont have as much impetus to try to meet other women because you already have the companionship of someone you really fancy, its just the physical side thats lacking?

I was going to suggest you bite the bullet and ask your friend out but if the two of you have already tried dating before then maybe that ship has sailed. I doubt its helping to be spending so much time with someone you fancy but know nothing will ever happen with. Every other woman you meet will have a lot to live up to.

username123

Needsadvice2 wrote: »

Even after 5 years i don't have any desire to go out meet some skank and just ride her for the sake of it to end the drought.

Maybe lose the above attitude to women? Just because a woman might seek no strings sex doesn't make her a "skank" and to suggest such simply shows your own double standards as far as women are concerned. Pretty offensive IMO.

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

Maybe lose the above attitude to women? Just because a woman might seek no strings sex doesn't make her a "skank" and to suggest such simply shows your own double standards as far as women are concerned. Pretty offensive IMO.

Those are really my mates words from his experiences on it so don't blame me, i've never used anything like that so cant tell you what they're like.

But yes i'd consider myself to have standards with women, nobody doesn't have standards!
But not double standards.

Point is i'm not looking for a quick shag for the sake of it. I want something meaningful.

womandriver

Needsadvice2 wrote: »

I've heard of Tinder and such apps but from what i've heard from friends its full of people just out for the quick ride and thats it. But being honest i'm not really that kind of guy. Even after 5 years i don't have any desire to go out meet some skank and just ride her for the sake of it to end the drought.

With that attitude and mouth I'm not surprised it's been 5 years!!

myshirt

username123 wrote: »

Maybe lose the above attitude to women? Just because a woman might seek no strings sex doesn't make her a "skank" and to suggest such simply shows your own double standards as far as women are concerned. Pretty offensive IMO.

I disagree. I think the op has the correct attitude.

OP, remember this, YOU are the prize. Have confidence in yourself.

And also, no matter what the women tell you here on boards, nice guys finish last.

Taltos

womandriver - Please take time to read our charter, if you cannot offer constructive advice or abstain from attacking a poster consider not posting at all. There were far better ways to get your point across than in the manner you chose to. Repeat a post like this and we will have no option but to issue a ban.

Taltos

IrishEyes19

You just need to get out of the pity zone and start trying again. Also sorry but the language you use is just not on, skank, hole.....I could go on. You say you have standards, but your language you use doesn't show that. I wouldn't be impressed. Give girls a chance, your ex is an ex for a reason. The next relationship isnt supposed to feel the same for a reason.

username123

Needsadvice2 wrote: »

Those are really my mates words from his experiences on it so don't blame me, i've never used anything like that so cant tell you what they're like.

But yes i'd consider myself to have standards with women, nobody doesn't have standards!
But not double standards.

Point is i'm not looking for a quick shag for the sake of it. I want something meaningful.

Well maybe think about how you view women. As another poster has pointed out, your language leaves a lot to be desired. It comes across as though you have a disrespectful attitude once a women is willing to have sex with you. If that's how you come off in real life it could well be a problem.

Leaving aside the above, perhaps you are living in the past, expecting any woman you meet to live up to some ideal. The whole friend zone thing is very limiting. Either be a friend or be a boyfriend. Not some odd combination. It cuts you off meeting other women.

LegacyUser

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

You just need to get out of the pity zone and start trying again. Also sorry but the language you use is just not on, skank, hole.....I could go on. You say you have standards, but your language you use doesn't show that. I wouldn't be impressed. Give girls a chance, your ex is an ex for a reason. The next relationship isnt supposed to feel the same for a reason.

I wouldn't say i'm in the pity zone. My post is more in relation to what to do now as i have been trying but haven't found anybody i think i'd like to be in a relationship with since.

Also i'm not looking for exactly the same thing again. I fully realise that any new relationship will be different to the last. I suppose as that was my first real relationship (over 4 years) it took me a while to come on from it, as i probably assumed at the time we'd end up back together eventually.

In relation to standards i was more paraphrasing what a friend has told me about Tinder and the likes. I would never speak like that in general, on a night out or anytime so dont get me wrong.

I have been giving girls a chance believe me. Its exhausting trying to find someone you like and who likes you too.

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

Well maybe think about how you view women. As another poster has pointed out, your language leaves a lot to be desired. It comes across as though you have a disrespectful attitude once a women is willing to have sex with you. If that's how you come off in real life it could well be a problem.

What do you mean how i view women? I view women as equals to men and i've plenty of female friends who, to be honest, i'm tired of them saying oh your great you'll find someone etc etc. Personally i don't think they could all be lying to me. I couldn't have more respect for women to be honest and am certainly not disrespectful to them. This really isn't all about sex either being honest, i've done fine without it for 5 years.

In relation to language, as i mentioned before i don't speak like that i was more conveying what a friend had told me about such sites in the language he used to describe it. So dont shoot the messenger, although i could have put it better in the beginning.

I think my problem is that i'm too nice. I never have arguments with people, male or female. Im always polite and friendly. I try to be a gentleman all the time, i'll always hold the door open for anybody and let a lady go first. Offer up my chair on the bus etc. Maybe thats my problem, i'm too nice and some women (from what i've seen) want to go out with assholes. Is the solution to start being a completely rude and generally acting like an ass to get somewhere?

Idle Passerby

Needsadvice2 wrote: »

I think my problem is that i'm too nice. I never have arguments with people, male or female. Im always polite and friendly. I try to be a gentleman all the time, i'll always hold the door open for anybody and let a lady go first. Offer up my chair on the bus etc. Maybe thats my problem, i'm too nice and some women (from what i've seen) want to go out with assholes. Is the solution to start being a completely rude and generally acting like an ass to get somewhere?

This is crap OP. When someone is described as "Too nice" its just a euphemism for uninteresting or a doormat, or a faker who puts on a nice persona to get what they want. When women say they don't fancy a guy because he's too nice they are really just saying theres nothing specifically wrong with him, they just don't fancy him. So its flawed logic to come to the conclusion women must only be interested in men who aren't nice at all.

It sounds like you know what you want in a potential partner and you are unwilling to be with just anyone and thats a commendable attitude to have.

You probably just need to be more confidant in approaching women and this friend you fancy, if its going nowhere, nip it in the bud and get over her. You cant meet someone new if your holding a candle for someone already.

RoscommonTom

Your probably thinking to much about trying to get laid and putting to much pressure on yourself, try to do something casual first maybe even with a prossy first to take the pressure to have sex off yourself and then can start thibknng about long term relationships etc, best of luck

pharmaton

My advice would be to knock the friendzone relationship you referred to on the head, having been on the other end of one for many years I can pretty much guarantee you that it will kill any opportunity you have of meeting that significant other you seek. It's a comfort zone, it provides you with all your needs with the exception of the physical but it is a relationship in every other way. You may deny it but it's a subtle thing and if you were to list what it provides for you, you will see just why you are not looking for a relationship elsewhere. It's safe and you want safe, it provides for your emotional needs so you will stay there until she gets married or finds a new life with someone else. Once you knock it on the head those needs will become more evident and once you realise what they are you will have a need to replace them, hopefully with a much healthier relationship with someone else.

WellThen?

They way you put it you don't want just a " ride ", seems your problem is that it's been 5 years since you had a " relationship ".

You should change the thread name to " Haven't had a relationship since 2008 ".

The Corinthian

OP, you have two problems; you're too passive and have silly standards.

To begin with, you openly admit you don't really make much, if any, effort to approach women socially. Well, unfortunately in our society, it's men who are expected to approach women - the reverse does happen, but I'll get to that later.

Then you dated someone for 12 weeks without sex. Does that happen anymore? Why didn't you? Were you passive there too? Did she get the impression you weren't interested? Again, this is an area that culturally men are often expected to take the lead on.

Now, you claim you didn't have these problems when younger. How much did you drink back then? More correctly how drunk did you get? My guess more than nowadays, and this probably gave you the Dutch courage you now lack. This is not to say you should get wasted to get laid, only to underline that you have a problem with passivity.

Second of all are your standards. You don't want to have one night stands (although, many one night stands become relationships). You were willing to wait (or procrastinating) 12 weeks where it came to sex in another instance. Women do approach you in work, but that's out of bounds. You want sex, but only if it's meaningful.

As I said earlier, men normally are expected to approach women, but the reverse does happen. You've already given one example of where this happened, but you rejected the advance. Are there others? Did you reject them too, and what standard was it that caused you do reject them?

Fine. Everyone should have standards. You have standards. Problem is, you can't afford your standards.

A good friend of mine used to go out with incredibly beautiful girls up until he was about 21. Then, due to unfortunate genetics, he started to pile on weight. Around 24 he stated to lose his hair visibly. But he still had standards and thus would only consider those incredibly beautiful girls that he'd been with before his decline. After almost ten years of humping his fist he finally admitted to himself that he couldn't afford those standards. Then he got laid.

So I'd review those standards, if I were you.

LegacyUser

The Corinthian wrote: »

OP, you have two problems; you're too passive and have silly standards.

To begin with, you openly admit you don't really make much, if any, effort to approach women socially. Well, unfortunately in our society, it's men who are expected to approach women - the reverse does happen, but I'll get to that later.

Then you dated someone for 12 weeks without sex. Does that happen anymore? Why didn't you? Were you passive there too? Did she get the impression you weren't interested? Again, this is an area that culturally men are often expected to take the lead on.

Now, you claim you didn't have these problems when younger. How much did you drink back then? More correctly how drunk did you get? My guess more than nowadays, and this probably gave you the Dutch courage you now lack. This is not to say you should get wasted to get laid, only to underline that you have a problem with passivity.

Second of all are your standards. You don't want to have one night stands (although, many one night stands become relationships). You were willing to wait (or procrastinating) 12 weeks where it came to sex in another instance. Women do approach you in work, but that's out of bounds. You want sex, but only if it's meaningful.

As I said earlier, men normally are expected to approach women, but the reverse does happen. You've already given one example of where this happened, but you rejected the advance. Are there others? Did you reject them too, and what standard was it that caused you do reject them?

Fine. Everyone should have standards. You have standards. Problem is, you can't afford your standards.

A good friend of mine used to go out with incredibly beautiful girls up until he was about 21. Then, due to unfortunate genetics, he started to pile on weight. Around 24 he stated to lose his hair visibly. But he still had standards and thus would only consider those incredibly beautiful girls that he'd been with before his decline. After almost ten years of humping his fist he finally admitted to himself that he couldn't afford those standards. Then he got laid.

So I'd review those standards, if I were you.

Firstly thanks for the advice, but gotta correct some stuff.

Too passive, i don't really think so! Firstly i didn't say that i don't make any effort, i said that i have absolutely no problem speaking to women while in work or in general day to day life. But whatever happens whenever i'm out and i approach women it never works out. I never said i didn't approach women, i do but i'm shot down most of the time that its getting ridiculous now. Maybe my confidence is shot from this and this alone, so much so that i don't feel like doing it anymore and am starting to be willing to try other things i've never tried before! I don't think it has much to do with drink before its mentioned either as i've had the same disastrous consequences while drunk and completely sober.

In relation to dating someone for 12 weeks without sex, yes it did happen. We were seeing each other but not really 'going out' if you get me. We met a few times a week and slept in the same bed on 3 or 4 occasions and did other stuff but not sex. The first night i slept with her she said that she didn't want to rush things and i said i was ok with that and respected her for being honest about it. So that was that. And no she didn't get the impression i wasn't interested until i called it, we weren't well matched and that was that.

In relation to drink i drank more when i was younger than i do now. Although on occasion i'd go mad. So the assumption that i got more drunk back then than i do now is kinda blown. I'd generally have a few and find it easier to make the first step in chatting up someone but it doesn't really ever work. Maybe i'm just very bad at it although i don't think so because i can do it just find during the day.

In relation to standards. I don't think i'd ever want a relationship with somebody i had a one night stand with to be honest. Maybe thats wrong but i don't think i'd want to be with someone on a permanent basis that effectively gave it up on the first night. Maybe i'm old fashioned but thats the way i feel about it. I'd have less respect for a girl who gave it up on a plate straight away than one that i had to work for to get into bed. (without sounding crude) As i mentioned before procrastination wasn't really a feature in that 12 week relationship and i mentioned why above! It was more out of respect that i didn't push my luck until she wanted to so i cant be blamed for that can i? I do want sex but i don't want it to be just for the sake of it. Of course i want it to be meaningful and maybe lead on to something else.

In relation to female approaches towards me i cant really accept advances in work so its off the cards.

Personally i think i can afford my standards, I still have all my hair am not overweight. But thats a debate for another day which couldn't really be proven online.

Thanks for your time in the reply anyway! If you can probe any further feel free.

Whoever said before about ditching the 'comfort Zone' relationship with my friend your dead on too. I'll be doing that
as soon as i can while trying to still be friends only and seek other avenue's for what i'm really looking for maybe a
relationship.

username123

Needsadvice2 wrote: »

In relation to standards. I don't think i'd ever want a relationship with somebody i had a one night stand with to be honest. Maybe thats wrong but i don't think i'd want to be with someone on a permanent basis that effectively gave it up on the first night. Maybe i'm old fashioned but thats the way i feel about it. I'd have less respect for a girl who gave it up on a plate straight away than one that i had to work for to get into bed. (without sounding crude)

Seriously, grow up. Ditch the double standards. There is no way you view women as equals with this attitude. You know how having sex is fun? Women enjoy it too. Why should a woman hold back if she likes having sex? To make make you work for it? Do you make women work for it yourself? Would you disrespect a man who had a one night stand?

I met plenty of guys with your attitude in my 20s. I wouldn't have been bothered with someone who has some weird Victorian attitude about women keeping themselves pure for at least a few dates. Have a think about why its bad to have sex on the first date versus the tenth date? Why? There's nothing morally wrong with having sex. It's fun, it's healthy, it's good exercise. Why is it better for a woman to "'make you work for it", are you incapable of simply having an adult encounter with another consenting adult without assigning all sorts of "she's a bad girl versus a good girl because she didn't make me work for it"? Why is it a woman's job to guard your morality? Pretty knuckle dragging attitude tbh.

Until you grow up a bit, view women as sexual beings same as yourself, and stop equating a woman interested in sex as a morally bad being, I think you are going to find the dating game a difficult place to be.

Faith

Op, you have a lot of negative attitudes towards women. You might not realise that you do, but you do nonetheless. If you didn't agree with the terms your friend used (skank, hole, etc) you wouldn't have repeated them. Our choice of words says more about us than we realise. You obviously agree with your friend's assessment, or you'd have chosen your own neutral words.

Then you go on to describe your lack of respect for women who 'give it up' 'on a plate'. You don't seem to have any issue with men doing the same thing though. Madonna/whore complex? You have impossibly high standards for women to meet, it seems.

Let me put it this way: I'd have as little respect for your attitude towards women as you'd have towards a woman who has one-night stands. And I'm not alone in that. I'd say your attitude is plain as day, and women you're approaching are picking up on that.

Before you have a relationship, I'd say you need to seriously examine your own preconceptions about women.

For the record, I'm in a 5+ year relationship with my one-night stand, with a long and happy future laid out ahead of us. Just as well that neither of us thought less of the other for having sex with each other! I'd have missed out on an amazing man if we had.

Typer Monkey

I think you can probably see that you've rubbed people up the wrong way here with your use of language and general attitude. Perhaps you're also doing this in real life to the women you approach who ultimately reject you. Very few mentally healthy people want to persue a relationship/intimacy with an ar*ehole.

Even if you think we're all over reacting or taking you up wrong, it'd serve you well to think on why you are coming across like this. An attitude adjustment might just be the solution you were seeking by posting here originally

The Corinthian

Needsadvice2 wrote: »

Too passive, i don't really think so! Firstly i didn't say that i don't make any effort, i said that i have absolutely no problem speaking to women while in work or in general day to day life. But whatever happens whenever i'm out and i approach women it never works out.

OK. I'll take your word for it.

In relation to drink i drank more when i was younger than i do now. Although on occasion i'd go mad. So the assumption that i got more drunk back then than i do now is kinda blown.

Actually if you drank more when you were younger and more successful (as you said) it would reinforce my argument. But as we've accepted that passivity is not the issue, the point is moot.

In relation to standards. I don't think i'd ever want a relationship with somebody i had a one night stand with to be honest. Maybe thats wrong but i don't think i'd want to be with someone on a permanent basis that effectively gave it up on the first night. Maybe i'm old fashioned but thats the way i feel about it. I'd have less respect for a girl who gave it up on a plate straight away than one that i had to work for to get into bed.

Ahhh, I see; now it makes more sense.

One thing I noticed, when younger, was that between 18 and about 23, sex was far more of a big thing for girls. They didn't 'give it up' so readily. By 30, most of what had been drummed into them by the nuns in school had been drummed back out with the discovery that sex is fun (and everyone was at it, so no one could realistically call anyone else a slut with a straight face).

So I might propose that this shift in attitude may be a factor in your changing fortunes - perhaps not a principle one, but certainly one.

As endearing as your standards are, I suspect they're out of sync with the times. Women (note; not girls) tend to be more open and casual about sex as they grow older and this will mean that more and more of them will 'fail' by your standards and you will inevitably fail by theirs; had you considered that many women don't want to wait 12 weeks for sex?

Personally i think i can afford my standards, I still have all my hair am not overweight. But thats a debate for another day which couldn't really be proven online.

Well, nothing can be proven here, strictly speaking, but there's enough evidence to indicate that your standards are a factor - they've not exactly proven attractive to the female posters here, have they?

So no, I suspect you can't afford your standards anymore; unless you're lucky and find the 'right' girl, but if so you're fishing from a much, much smaller pool - you might consider foreign women who come from more conservative backgrounds, as an option.

LegacyUser

The Corinthian wrote: »

OK. I'll take your word for it.

Actually if you drank more when you were younger and more successful (as you said) it would reinforce my argument. But as we've accepted that passivity is not the issue, the point is moot.

Ahhh, I see; now it makes more sense.

One thing I noticed, when younger, was that between 18 and about 23, sex was far more of a big thing for girls. They didn't 'give it up' so readily. By 30, most of what had been drummed into them by the nuns in school had been drummed back out with the discovery that sex is fun (and everyone was at it, so no one could realistically call anyone else a slut with a straight face).

So I might propose that this shift in attitude may be a factor in your changing fortunes - perhaps not a principle one, but certainly one.

As endearing as your standards are, I suspect they're out of sync with the times. Women (note; not girls) tend to be more open and casual about sex as they grow older and this will mean that more and more of them will 'fail' by your standards and you will inevitably fail by theirs; had you considered that many women don't want to wait 12 weeks for sex?

Well, nothing can be proven here, strictly speaking, but there's enough evidence to indicate that your standards are a factor - they've not exactly proven attractive to the female posters here, have they?

So no, I suspect you can't afford your standards anymore; unless you're lucky and find the 'right' girl, but if so you're fishing from a much, much smaller pool - you might consider foreign women who come from more conservative backgrounds, as an option.

Thanks for at least one sensible reply. It makes perfect sense what your saying.

boomchicawawa

Hi, from reading your original post my gut instinct is that your desire for your female friend is actually stopping you from meeting another lady of interest.

Either ask her out or put some distance between you. You are probably measuring every potential new girlfriend against her and they are not matching up, plus you are losing your confidence because you have become rusty in how to chat up women at this stage, if you don't use it, you loose it !

Has this girlfriend dated other guys in this time, how has this affected you ? Really its not an ideal situation. I went out with a guy once for a few weeks, I thought it was casual and broke up with him. He then hung around as a friend for over a year in hope that I would change my mind.....I never knew this at the time but it crushed him every time he saw me with someone else, finally he got some sense and moved on, the next girlfriend he married and they are still happy together as far as I know.

Its kind of sad to be so close to someone you adore and not be with them. Look if you ask her out and it ends your friendship, at least you know where you stand, because some day you will have to watch as she marches up the aisle with 'mr right'...but maybe that could be you ! Good luck;)

LegacyUser

boomchicawawa wrote: »

Hi, from reading your original post my gut instinct is that your desire for your female friend is actually stopping you from meeting another lady of interest.

Either ask her out or put some distance between you. You are probably measuring every potential new girlfriend against her and they are not matching up, plus you are losing your confidence because you have become rusty in how to chat up women at this stage, if you don't use it, you loose it !

Has this girlfriend dated other guys in this time, how has this affected you ? Really its not an ideal situation. I went out with a guy once for a few weeks, I thought it was casual and broke up with him. He then hung around as a friend for over a year in hope that I would change my mind.....I never knew this at the time but it crushed him every time he saw me with someone else, finally he got some sense and moved on, the next girlfriend he married and they are still happy together as far as I know.

Its kind of sad to be so close to someone you adore and not be with them. Look if you ask her out and it ends your friendship, at least you know where you stand, because some day you will have to watch as she marches up the aisle with 'mr right'...but maybe that could be you ! Good luck;)

Yep your right, the desire i have for her is stopping me meeting someone else. But its easier said than done to just
ask her our and risk ruining the solid friendship we both have together and i'm not sure i want to risk it.

We've basically fallen into a sort of comfortable mutual agreement. She hasn't dated anybody in the last number of
years and i haven't really dated anybody for any length of time either. Its like we give each other enough not to have
to even though theres no physical side to the relationship except for a bit of flirting and touching etc her falling asleep on me watching a movie or whatever.

I do know that when this happens for either one of us and we meet someone else that it will cause problems. But
i've always hoped that she'd kinda come around to the idea of just being together eventually. Like i mentioned moving
away next year recently and she just said, ah ye i'll come with you. This could be the turning point for us. I'm hoping
if i do decide to go away for work and she does come with me we can both grow up a bit, accept were good together
and i'll never let her go because being honest its what i always wanted anyway.

I hope i never have to face the situation of her walking up the aisle with someone else. And i know if this does happen
i will be long gone out of the picture because i just couldn't watch that, honestly!

Taltos

Needsadvice2 wrote: »

Yep your right, the desire i have for her is stopping me meeting someone else. But its easier said than done to just
ask her our and risk ruining the solid friendship we both have together and i'm not sure i want to risk it.

Going to be blunt here - but that's a cop out and you know it.
Waiting until you move again next year - that's another cop out.

This way if she goes off with someone else you can convince yourself that it wasn't your fault and sure at least you still have your friendship - oh wait - you don't because you will be out of there not being able to watch her walk up the aisle.

Why am I being so harsh? Trying to spur you into motion - either decide to ask her out or decide it will never happen and allow yourself to have a life. Do you really want to be 50 and alone looking back at all of the years you have wasted here?

I asked out my best friend - we are married now and while I dithered for years I nearly blew it by waiting too long - she had given up on me and was no longer looking at me in that way. She only went out on the off chance but we were lucky.

Please OP - don't waste your youth - try it - as it stands when(if) she goes off with someone else you have admitted you cannot be around for that so really - what have you got to lose?
A year of pining for her or a year to move the relationship forward or a year to accept it just cannot be and you either redefine your friendship or it ends anyway...

Go on - take the chance.
There is a strong chance it won't work out - but there is an equally strong chance it will...

boomchicawawa

Good God man......Ask her out NOW.....it looks like she's waiting for this, and she won't take it too badly by the looks of things if its not what she want's. You have waited for 5 years in a holding pattern. Do you want to wait another 5......grab the bull by the horns and call your first child after me !!!

AnonoBoy

Needsadvice2 wrote: »

In relation to standards. I don't think i'd ever want a relationship with somebody i had a one night stand with to be honest. Maybe thats wrong but i don't think i'd want to be with someone on a permanent basis that effectively gave it up on the first night.

That makes no sense. IF you did have a one-night stand, you'd have participated in it too so therefore you would have 'given it up' on the first night.

So if you had a one-night stand with someone who shares your standards then both of you would be looking down on the other as not good enough for a relationship.

Makes zero sense.

ManOfMystery

Needsadvice2 wrote: »

Yep your right, the desire i have for her is stopping me meeting someone else. But its easier said than done to just
ask her our and risk ruining the solid friendship we both have together and i'm not sure i want to risk it.

We've basically fallen into a sort of comfortable mutual agreement. She hasn't dated anybody in the last number of
years and i haven't really dated anybody for any length of time either. Its like we give each other enough not to have
to even though theres no physical side to the relationship except for a bit of flirting and touching etc her falling asleep on me watching a movie or whatever.

I do know that when this happens for either one of us and we meet someone else that it will cause problems. But
i've always hoped that she'd kinda come around to the idea of just being together eventually. Like i mentioned moving
away next year recently and she just said, ah ye i'll come with you. This could be the turning point for us. I'm hoping
if i do decide to go away for work and she does come with me we can both grow up a bit, accept were good together
and i'll never let her go because being honest its what i always wanted anyway.

I hope i never have to face the situation of her walking up the aisle with someone else. And i know if this does happen
i will be long gone out of the picture because i just couldn't watch that, honestly!

As someone who also had a female friend once that I had feelings for - but neglected to act upon - I say, act NOW. I found out years later that the feelings were reciprocated but we had been both too scared to act at the time.

You could be run over a bus tomorrow. Your friend could be run over by a bus tomorrow. Life's too short to sit and wait until you go away together next year. What's going to magically happen then, you're both going to realise you love each other because you're in a different location and suddenly throw caution to the wind? There's absolutely nothing to stop you doing that now, and to be honest, waiting till you go away is a cop-out. Chances are she'll have encountered someone more assertive by that point.

aidan24326

ManOfMystery wrote: »

As someone who also had a female friend once that I had feelings for - but neglected to act upon - I say, act NOW. I found out years later that the feelings were reciprocated but we had been both too scared to act at the time.

You could be run over a bus tomorrow. Your friend could be run over by a bus tomorrow. Life's too short to sit and wait until you go away together next year. What's going to magically happen then, you're both going to realise you love each other because you're in a different location and suddenly throw caution to the wind? There's absolutely nothing to stop you doing that now, and to be honest, waiting till you go away is a cop-out. Chances are she'll have encountered someone more assertive by that point.

OP, have to agree with this. Saying you don't want to lose her friendship is a copout. Because you know what, if you don't take the plunge and tell her how you feel, in a few months/a year from now she may well meet someone and you will be relegated to the guy she calls for a chat now and then, if that.

So what have you got to lose by asking her out? In the long term, absolutely nothing.

And also as others have said your attitude to women, whatever your protestations, is not the best. This nonsense of saying you wouldn't want to go out with a girl who 'gave it up' on the first night is shockingly outdated and out of sync with how most women are nowadays.

Thankfully we have left the 1950s well behind. So an attitude change on your part is needed too.