Your favourite stand up comedian joke

Specialun

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0jP_brwVyvc

Fr_Dougal

Nelson Mandela: "I've had it with these motherfvckin snakes on this mother fvcking plane". Cracks me up every time.

eamonnq

Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?'

Karl Stein

A lot of people say to me: 'Get out of my Garden'.

wazky

"I thought the only way they would let me back on the BBC is if I started fucking children" - Frankie Boyle.

Muise...

good grief, the comedian's a bear!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eH2coWVi9Vg

NegativeCreep

The_Pretender

"When I said I wanted Piers Morgan to get Parkinsons, I didn't mean his f*cking job.

You're shaking your head at a Parkinsons joke? That's inappropriate."

-Jimmy Carr

errlloyd

"The Pope resigned!!!! He must have done something the Catholic Church find really abhorrent like have sex with a consenting adult woman"

sonny jim bob jones

Sonny Knowles. Some boyo.

Galway K9

not my favourite but the most shocking one I've heard.

how do you know your girlfriend is too young for you?

when you have to make airplane noises to get h.er to open her mouth.

jimmy Carr

Shane-KornSpace

Anything by Tim Vine!!
Hilarious

Killer Wench

Not sure if these Youtube videos will work:

gerTheGreat

This:

MonsterCookie

"Did you fall? No, I was just trying to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket!"

Billy Connolly...

wretcheddomain

Specialun wrote: »

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0jP_brwVyvc

What a terrible joke. I'll never get those 2 minutes back. You've pretty low standards if that's what has you in stitches OP. I guess bad comedians rely on people like you to make a profit.

K-9

Dave Allen:

"I'm an Atheist.........Thank God".

"My church accepts all denominations – fivers, tenners, twenties."

EoghanIRL

I'm on a whiskey diet ,

I've lost 3 days already .

:P tommy cooper

ViveLaVie

"Your girlfriend is only with you because you're famous".

"Yeah... I AM famous!"

- Jimmy Carr.

bud1970

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmZm2HBMtTQ

Push Pop

Tommy Tiernan may not be the powerhouse he once was but the joke about the teenage disco is timeless. He describes dancing closely with a girl who is wearing jeans with a really tight belt. When he goes to drop the hand be says its like trying to pet a dog through a letterbox!!

nxbyveromdwjpg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3psB9nG75sM

RayM

I like Dylan Moran's line about tequila being "not so much a drink as a way of getting the police round without using the phone."

Also from Dylan Moran: "I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake? Then I'm fucked!"

K-9

RayM wrote: »

I like Dylan Moran's line about tequila being "not so much a drink as a way of getting the police round without using the phone."

Also from Dylan Moran: "I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake? Then I'm fucked!"

To add to the Dylan Moran quotes, it's a one liner that is so true from my experience.

"Kids are just like midget drunks."

wp_rathead

If you have time to watch I recommend, had me in stitches:

WilyCoyote

Was going to say Enda Kenny but I thought, "No, he's beyond a joke."

wp_rathead

wretcheddomain wrote: »

What a terrible joke. I'll never get those 2 minutes back. You've pretty low standards if that's what has you in stitches OP. I guess bad comedians rely on people like you to make a profit.

humor is subjective - not a fan of that clip? sound - wouldn't be my cup tea either but no need to be an ass about it

Hank Scorpio