Missing the relationship gene

LegacyUser

Hi there,

Am starting to wonder if I am missing the relationship gene? to give background am single female late 30's with a good job and social life. Have lots of friends. For one reason or another have never been able to sustain a lasting relationship with a man and this is causing me to question myself and my self esteem has taken a hammering.

I was never that interested in settling down when I was younger, was off travelling having fun. I never have any problem attracting men but keeping them seems to be a problem. I did have major trust issues in the past and took steps to address them. I swore off relationships for a long time and just concentrated on friends and family etc. I decided I didn;t want to be alone forever so started to put myself out there so to speak. There have been so many false starts, dead ends, guys who had girlfriends etc. the last two guys I dated both started new relationships when with me. To be clear I don;t come accross as desparate if anything more the opposite. I try to be myself not come on too strong to scare them away or not too casual as to be not interested.

I feel so lonely for that special bond that comes from being close to that special someone. I don;t think I am a repulsive person. Am friendly and fun and successful in other aspects of my life and think I am nice for the most part. I don;t understand how others fall into relationship so easily and with me it just never happens. it has to be something about me. the last guy who was cheating on me said he thought I was too good for him and that he didn;t believe I was really into him. This I think was a convenient lie.

How do others get into relationships? Do they just settle? I asked a friend for advice and she said that I was quite a confident person and that "men don;t always like that" Should I be less confident? I have tried to be open to giving guys a chance, guys who I would not normally go for and then its so humiliating to be cheated on or find out they have a girlfriend. Others have said I am a "catch" but really feel I must be the opposite. I attract guys but they never stick around and want to take the next step. I feel like I am damaged in some way.

I feel like I am getting bitter and that is not good. Does anyone our there have a similar experiences? Do I resign myself to a life alone and accept am not relationships material where men are concerned?

beks101

I feel for you OP. It's hard, especially as you get older and everyone seems to pair off like it's a game of musical chairs or something and you're the only one left standing.

I'm a little younger than you and I've had my fair share of false starts, men with girlfriends, men out for the ride etc - but I've also met some really great guys with whom it just didn't work out for whatever reason. Distance, timing, different priorities etc.

I could easily take stock of all the sh1tty experiences I've had and determine that I don't have some "relationship gene" but frankly, thinking about myself that way would be self-defeating, counter-productive and probably would make things even harder for me with men - because I'd be sub-consciously expecting things to go the same way with every guy I meet, I'd be expecting them all to see me and treat me the same way. Tempting fate like that is a dangerous game if you're looking for something different.

You're not "damaged" and there's absolutely nothing wrong with you, you sound like a fantastic, well-rounded, accomplished woman with a lot to offer someone. Thinking anything else about yourself is NOT going to help you here - look at things practically.

What has helped for me in the past is to look at the couples that I admire and respect in my life and think about how they got together. Take a close look at the woman in the relationship and her behaviour. Things I found in common in all these women: the relationships were a slow build, from friends to a couple over a matter of weeks/months, the women were quite flirty and forward with their behaviour, but didn't chase, and 'demanded' a certain behaviour from their fellas, for lack of a better word. By which I mean, didn't allow the relationship to become a fling or fcuk buddy thing - dated a while and formed an emotional connection before things became physical.

Not that sex on the first night can't lead anywhere - but it's never been the case for me, so I just don't do it anymore. And the guys who wanted more from me never really cared.

Actually, I would say that perhaps one of your problems may be that you tolerate too much 'bad' behaviour or mistreatment in the guys you meet, because you so badly want to meet somebody. That's a very easy mindset to fall into - setting out to impress and please a guy and setting your own needs aside. Not allowing things to grow organically, not reading the warning signs - such as a guy having a girlfriend, or starting to see someone new while still with you. When that's the case, many guys will take advantage, get bored and walk away - because everything is on a plate. They sense that vulnerability, that lack of "setting the standard" in you and they move on.

The other thing I'd say is to work, work, work on your confidence. Do what it takes to get yourself away from this idea you have about yourself being lacking in some way. I know you'll probably think it's not coming across, but feeling inadequate about yourself in that way pervades every aspect of your demeanour / body language and particularly has an impact in the dating game. Opening yourself up to someone romantically necessitates as much vulnerability as it does confidence - qualities that can be overwritten very easily by your own insecurities, by thinking you're "not the kind of woman men want to be in a relationship with."

Stop that way of thinking. You're not defined by this. You're not defined by your lack of relationships - it's just something that hasn't happened for you yet. Stop internalizing and continue putting yourself out there - online dating, nights out, hobbies and classes with as many male as female members, trips abroad, friends of friends - keep all the avenues open. Continue to be proactive, take care of your physical appearance as well as your mental health. Don't let it define you, because you'll be selling yourself short - you've been successful in so many facets of life, to dwell too much on this will erode your self esteem.

Best of luck. You're not alone in this. And he's out there

IrishEyes19

beks101 wrote: »

I feel for you OP. It's hard, especially as you get older and everyone seems to pair off like it's a game of musical chairs or something and you're the only one left standing.

I'm a little younger than you and I've had my fair share of false starts, men with girlfriends, men out for the ride etc - but I've also met some really great guys with whom it just didn't work out for whatever reason. Distance, timing, different priorities etc.

I could easily take stock of all the sh1tty experiences I've had and determine that I don't have some "relationship gene" but frankly, thinking about myself that way would be self-defeating, counter-productive and probably would make things even harder for me with men - because I'd be sub-consciously expecting things to go the same way with every guy I meet, I'd be expecting them all to see me and treat me the same way. Tempting fate like that is a dangerous game if you're looking for something different.

You're not "damaged" and there's absolutely nothing wrong with you, you sound like a fantastic, well-rounded, accomplished woman with a lot to offer someone. Thinking anything else about yourself is NOT going to help you here - look at things practically.

What has helped for me in the past is to look at the couples that I admire and respect in my life and think about how they got together. Take a close look at the woman in the relationship and her behaviour. Things I found in common in all these women: the relationships were a slow build, from friends to a couple over a matter of weeks/months, the women were quite flirty and forward with their behaviour, but didn't chase, and 'demanded' a certain behaviour from their fellas, for lack of a better word. By which I mean, didn't allow the relationship to become a fling or fcuk buddy thing - dated a while and formed an emotional connection before things became physical.

Not that sex on the first night can't lead anywhere - but it's never been the case for me, so I just don't do it anymore. And the guys who wanted more from me never really cared.

Actually, I would say that perhaps one of your problems may be that you tolerate too much 'bad' behaviour or mistreatment in the guys you meet, because you so badly want to meet somebody. That's a very easy mindset to fall into - setting out to impress and please a guy and setting your own needs aside. Not allowing things to grow organically, not reading the warning signs - such as a guy having a girlfriend, or starting to see someone new while still with you. When that's the case, many guys will take advantage, get bored and walk away - because everything is on a plate. They sense that vulnerability, that lack of "setting the standard" in you and they move on.

The other thing I'd say is to work, work, work on your confidence. Do what it takes to get yourself away from this idea you have about yourself being lacking in some way. I know you'll probably think it's not coming across, but feeling inadequate about yourself in that way pervades every aspect of your demeanour / body language and particularly has an impact in the dating game. Opening yourself up to someone romantically necessitates as much vulnerability as it does confidence - qualities that can be overwritten very easily by your own insecurities, by thinking you're "not the kind of woman men want to be in a relationship with."

Stop that way of thinking. You're not defined by this. You're not defined by your lack of relationships - it's just something that hasn't happened for you yet. Stop internalizing and continue putting yourself out there - online dating, nights out, hobbies and classes with as many male as female members, trips abroad, friends of friends - keep all the avenues open. Continue to be proactive, take care of your physical appearance as well as your mental health. Don't let it define you, because you'll be selling yourself short - you've been successful in so many facets of life, to dwell too much on this will erode your self esteem.

Best of luck. You're not alone in this. And he's out there

I really think this is amazing advice, OP! I can't really build on it other than confirm everything that has been said here. I have also struggled from time to time with the same issues and disappointment. you aren't damaged. Far from it. Believe in yourself, have a good read again of "Beks" post, its spot on.

ivytwine

Beks101, thank you for that wonderful post, think it should be made a sticky here.

OP I am a good bit younger than you and I too have had pretty bad luck and I am only now starting to come around to the idea of a relationship. I have now set clearer boundaries and I know what I won't tolerate.

As Beks said, don't settle for bad behaviour or compromise yourself. Keep on trucking. He's out there somewhere. And if he isn't, you're not a failure, despite what many would have you believe, relationships are not the only important facet of life.

LegacyUser

HI OP here,

Just wanted to say thanks so much for the replies so far especially beks101. Its so moving when complete strangers on the internet take the time to write such genuine responses which obviously take time to compose. Thanks again.

the responses have really helped me so much and I realise that I am repeating a pattern of going for unsuitable guys hoping that each time it will be different and then getting stuck on the hurt and pain when it doesn't work out turning it against me.

Would be interested in any further responses too. All welcome

Geomy

I often thought I had that genetic make up of someone who can't settle down.
I have now done a u turn and actually enjoying being single and get out surfing, fishing,socialising with friends and family.

I have 7 free day's a week, my married friends both male and female wish they had one free day a fortnight, just time out from everything.

Im a responsible man but not good with the responsibility of a relationship :-)

And sure if I grow out of being content the way I am, ill consider being open to meeting the right one....

alias06

I'm a 30 year old guy and I feel the same way sometimes. I have had a few relationships but I have yet to find the one and it worries me too sometimes. I have been doing everything that beks advises above, going out, internet dating, taking every opportunity to meet people. That's the best I can do. You really can't take it as personal reflection on you. The dating scene in your 30s is hard and it can be as hard for guys as it is for girls. I have been on quite a few dates lately. Its hard when you get let down and it can be hard when you have to let someone else down as well. Finding someone that you have real chemistry with isn't easy. And often when you do feel there is real chemistry you often find they are not that into you and it messes with your head. But beks is right in what she says above. Don't take it personally, keep your standards and self respect, you'll learn from each experience and get better at reading the warning signs and you'll eventually meet the right guy.

simonsays1

Hi there,

I'm in a similar position as you OP- 30's and I've never been in a meaningful relationship. There's nothing more I can add to be perfectly honest except that there are many people out there like you. All you can do is to break the pattern as best you can which you have described (I have one too) while also keeping your standards and self-respect intact. Tricky- yes.
Other people fall in and out of relationships much easier, you say. True.
Personally, the way I look at this is when you are in a loving relationship in the future, you'll appreciate it so much.

May I say to Beks101, I have copied and pasted and saved your response so that I can read it in future when I need an inspiring pep talk at the ready. Seriously, thank you for sharing esp your observation below.

What has helped for me in the past is to look at the couples that I admire and respect in my life and think about how they got together. Take a close look at the woman in the relationship and her behaviour. Things I found in common in all these women: the relationships were a slow build, from friends to a couple over a matter of weeks/months, the women were quite flirty and forward with their behaviour, but didn't chase, and 'demanded' a certain behaviour from their fellas, for lack of a better word. By which I mean, didn't allow the relationship to become a fling or fcuk buddy thing - dated a while and formed an emotional connection before things became physical.

Ande1975

Hi OP,

You could have been writing about me in your post. So first off, you are not alone.
I had lunch with one of my married friends at the weekend and we were discussing this very topic. I don't know about you but I think since the pressure to settle down and start a family has eased with me now (I'm late 30s too) that I'm slightly less interested in meeting someone.

I'm so used to being on my own now that it will take some pretty amazing guy to make me want to give it all up.
I also think I am missing the relationship gene, I was never very good at it because I felt so under pressure to settle down (peer pressure almost) that I put up with bad behaviour. I was with a guy on and off for nearly 5 years and he discussed marriage but it fell apart. I remember how devastated I was that I don't want to be disappointed like that again.

People get together for different reasons. I know a few of my friends chose partners that ticked certain boxes but not ones I would care for.
Have you ever noticed the amount of separated and divorced people who manage to find stable relationships quickly?
I was chatting to a recenty married friend (her second and has a child from her previous marriage). She admitted she was depressed because she has nothing to look forward to now. I was stunned at her. She told me before the reason she was with her now husband is because he is very good with her child.


I love my sister to bits and she's completely helpless at times but she met a wonderful guy who adores her. She sees no fault in herself. My mum once said to her - 'Gosh you've got a terrific husband. He goes out and does the weekly shop while you stay at home'. My sister responded 'But I'm the one who makes out the list'. I laughed out loud.

After all that all I would say is stay true to yourself. There is no rule on meeting someone - he could enter your life now, 5 years, 10 years etc. There is no deadline. You are a catch, believe it and choose a guy who is deserving of you.

All the best,
Ande