Wife playing games with separation

Kashkai

Hi all

My wife has made it extremely clear to me that our marriage is over. She says she can go where she wants, see who she wants etc. I've asked her to consider counselling but she refused. She says we should should never have gotten married (together 16 years now), that we are too different. Pity as we've a lot of great kids.

Anyways, I accepted this and could see that she wasn't going to change her mind. So I went to see a solicitor who advised that I once again try the counselling route and if that failed, to try mediation. Well, once again, my wife refused to consider the counselling and so I booked into the Family Mediation process. Despite constant negative, catty, bullying, derogatory comments about me, she wouldn't book into the mediation process until I went and brought my kids away on our first holiday in years as we needed a break. This infuriated my wife (who regularly goes away on weekends/holidays with her sisters, or so she says) to the point that I thought she was going to hit me. Anyways, while I was on holiday with the kids, she texted me to say that she had booked into the mediation service as she couldn't wait to see the back of me.

So I waited and waited for an appointment but after 6 weeks, I phoned them and they said they'd never heard from her. I sent her a text to ask her if she had booked with them and the next day, I got a call from the mediation service to say that she had contacted them that day. Well we finally got our appointment last week and the mediator explained that for this process to work, my wife and I had to try to reach an amicable and agreed arrangement that would involve a lot of communication.

Now the thing is, my wife refuses to talk to me. If I try to discuss anything with her, she walks away, starts to sing or goes "nah, nah, nee, nah, nah", I kid you not. How on earth do you deal with this? I'm broken hearted that my marriage is over, despite the emotional and psychological abuse I've put up with for years from her. However I cannot continue to live with her as she is so damn spiteful and vindictive. I feel like she is dragging this whole thing out for pure spite. If only she'd sit down with me and discuss how we will manage the child care, living arrangements etc which is what the mediator wants, then we'd come to some resolution. But she will just not talk to me.

I've often wondered why she hates me as I've never been unfaithful to her, never abused her, I'm a good father etc etc. Her mother was a nasty woman who treated her husband like **** and like mother like daughter it now appears.

Sorry for rambling but she's driving me mad. She says she wants us finished but she will do nothing to bring the matter to a conclusion. The mediation will not work if she refuses to engage. I want to avoid the legal process as I'm broke and I'd rather she and I come to our own arrangement than have a judge decide it for us.

Has anyone else had to deal with a spouse who hates you, wants you gone but drags their heels when it comes to the separation process?

Cyclepath

OP, this will only get worse rather than better. She sounds a bit immature and clearly does not have any respect for you as a partner. Mediation is clearly the best way forward but it sounds like she won't submit to the process unless her hand is forced.

You say you're broke. Does she have an income? You need to plan for the worst here because (take my word for it...) as a man you're likely to come off worst in any divorce/separation settlement. You do at least need to engage your own solicitor for advice on your particular situation and come up with a plan to ensure that you are not fleeced.

You need to think about where you'll both live and whether your house can be sold to provide two separate residences. If not, it's likely that she and the children will retain your current house while find somewhere else. In the unlikely event that she leaves the family home, you might still be forced to provide her with the means to rent/buy elsewhere (depending on her own financial situation).

Remember that in Ireland, divorce is a no-fault system where assets are supposedly assigned regardless of who instigated the split, or why. Therefore, despite the fact that your wife is behaving like a child, and may or may not have found someone else, none of this gives you any legal advantage.

If you want to resolve her prevarication and refusal to engage, you may have to resort to unpleasant behaviour yourself. By this I don't mean aggression or argument, but rather making it clear to her that the relationship is over and you want rid of her. Withdraw whatever niceties, cooperation, or tasks you normally perform for her and be resolute in your rejection of her. Essentially she has the power at the moment because she thinks she's in the driving seat and can see that she's upsetting you. Upset her for a change and take back that power...

Kashkai

Cyclepath wrote: »

If you want to resolve her prevarication and refusal to engage, you may have to resort to unpleasant behaviour yourself. By this I don't mean aggression or argument, but rather making it clear to her that the relationship is over and you want rid of her. Withdraw whatever niceties, cooperation, or tasks you normally perform for her and be resolute in your rejection of her. Essentially she has the power at the moment because she thinks she's in the driving seat and can see that she's upsetting you. Upset her for a change and take back that power...

You don't know how absolutely spot on you are when it comes to my relationship. My wife has treated me like dirt for years but even worse since I tried to get her to work with me to save our marriage. I feel she saw me as pathetic and "begging" her to stay with me. I stated at the mediation session that I wanted the absolute minimum of contact with her following the separation as the mediator was suggesting that we "cooperate" as a good example of parenting post separation. I stated that it was extremely two faced to pretend that all was rosy in the garden when my wife treated me like sh1te when we were married. She is extremely controlling, manipulative and a bully not only to me but towards our children.

We had the second mediation session recently and it was an eye opener. I suggested a reasonable route forward, ie, our children stay in the family home while my wife and I alternated living here with them on a week on/week off basis so we both got to spend time with our children. We would both rent someplace cheap for the week we were not with the children. The mediators said that this is common if couples can afford it as they called it the "birds nest" option. The crux is that my wife has a large pile of cash in a post office account from the accumulated children's allowance which would pay our mortgage for four or five years and thus give us breathing space to save towards the day when we either buy the other out of the family home, or sell the family home in 4/5 years when the property market may have recovered somewhat and split the proceeds. However she refused this on the grounds that the accumulated children's allowance was her money. Her preference is that I leave the family home and she has the children but that I would be allowed to see them at the weekend.

There is no compromise from her. The mediators say that the children must come first in any agreement which is fine by me but I get the impression that their default setting is that the man will end up leaving. Sorry but I do not accept that. Apart from the fact that I am a far better parent (for the record, I have not hit, kicked, punched, bullied my children. Their mother has), I have paid the mortgage solely for five years. When we met, we both had houses which we sold to buy the marital home. She put in £30000 and I put in £80000 so I'm not going to just let her have it all, children and home. I don't want this to get dirty but I will fight for a minimum of 50% of the time spent with the children and of my home.

She earned approx the same as me but voluntarily went on short time working recently which reduced her income, which my solicitor said was a deliberate ploy. She is also stating that she does all the childcare and housework, which is rubbish as I do at least 50% if not more. She is also telling the mediators that the children are always asking why daddy is always angry which is also a blatant lie. However, apart from bringing the children in to refute this, it's her word against mine. If this wasn't so serious, I'd almost admire her brass neck.

MouseTail

I can't see how your proposed 'birds nest' arrangement would work. It would be incredibly expensive and disruptive for everyone. I think you need to be more realistic about access and custody.

mitosis

Cake and eat it.

Take away the cake. I would leave the country for six months. Stop paying the mortgage etc. Be uncontactable except through your solicitor.

ABajaninCork

Kashkai wrote: »

We had the second mediation session recently and it was an eye opener. I suggested a reasonable route forward, ie, our children stay in the family home while my wife and I alternated living here with them on a week on/week off basis so we both got to spend time with our children. We would both rent someplace cheap for the week we were not with the children. The mediators said that this is common if couples can afford it as they called it the "birds nest" option. The crux is that my wife has a large pile of cash in a post office account from the accumulated children's allowance which would pay our mortgage for four or five years and thus give us breathing space to save towards the day when we either buy the other out of the family home, or sell the family home in 4/5 years when the property market may have recovered somewhat and split the proceeds. However she refused this on the grounds that the accumulated children's allowance was her money. Her preference is that I leave the family home and she has the children but that I would be allowed to see them at the weekend.

There is no compromise from her. The mediators say that the children must come first in any agreement which is fine by me but I get the impression that their default setting is that the man will end up leaving. Sorry but I do not accept that. Apart from the fact that I am a far better parent (for the record, I have not hit, kicked, punched, bullied my children. Their mother has), I have paid the mortgage solely for five years. When we met, we both had houses which we sold to buy the marital home. She put in £30000 and I put in £80000 so I'm not going to just let her have it all, children and home. I don't want this to get dirty but I will fight for a minimum of 50% of the time spent with the children and of my home.

The bolded parts of your post I found interesting. The Child Allowance belongs to neither of you IMO. It is money provided by the state to help bring up the kids. If your wife is holding on to the money in the mistaken belief it is hers, then she's stealing money from your kids. Taking the bread from their mouths if you like. I wouldn't lose any time in pointing that out to her via your solicitor. She might not agree with you, mind. Your wife seems to be greedy, selfish and grasping. Women like your wife give the rest of us a bad name...

And under no circumstances should you move out, pending legal advice. Communicate only via your solicitor, even though you're still in the marital home.

Hope it works out for you.

wobbles

As said above, this will only get worse before it gets infinitely better. By the sounds of it, you have been naive in your approach to your marriage for years. Sounds like its been over for a long time by the sounds of it. Now of course we only have one side of the story to go by, but going by what youve said, you need to get the kids involved with the mediation as much as possible to show whats shes really like.

Being the man in the marriage means your already facing an uphill battle for custody of the kids and the family home. Get a solicitor involved as soon as you can so you stand any chance of getting what your after. Even if you have to take out a loan do so. If i were you, i would be recording every conversation you have with her in person/over the phone letting her know you are doing so. She will either go crazy and scream and shout (handy to show what shes really like in private) or clam up and say nothing (you dont have to listen to her).

Keep your head up OP. Once all this is sorted, and it may take some time, at least you can move on with your life and find someone who appreciates you and not someone who wants to walk all over you

Kashkai

Folks

I badly need some advice re. the whole Family Mediation process.

We've had six sessions now and without exception, I have to listen to my wife berating me, slagging me off, saying what a bad person I am, how she does everything etc etc. Honestly, that is complete bull but when I try to refute this, the mediators cut me off and say that "the children must come first". Funny how they never cut her off when she's in full flow. They've talked to us separately about the massive impasse between us but while she gets 10 minutes of private time with them, I get five if I'm lucky. I have the very strong impression that I'm being seen as obstructive by refusing to move out.

My wife wants me out with access on the weekends (while she can then do what she pleases of course). As the kids are in childcare during the week, she isn't even minding them midweek. So why does she want the kids with her except as a bargaining chip and/or to claim maintenance? On my Solicitors advice, I've held off flinging dirt at her but it's got to the point where I can't see why I should hold back from informing the Mediators of how she has physically assaulted my kids (punching and kicking) just to show her in her true light.

She is now calling my bluff and saying that if I won't move out, she wants to sell the house and put the kids out of the only home they've ever known. She knows I don't want this and so the ultimatum is I go or the kids go. Christ she's so goddamn spiteful. We are fortunate that we have this huge lump sum of money that would allow us to come to a reasonable arrangement but this is hers, according to her, and now she wants the house and kids too. I don't want to go the legal route as the Solicitors will bleed us dry. However how do I deal with this spiteful woman??

I have suggested to the mediators that we ask the kids what they'd prefer. However I was immediately shot down by them and my wife agreeing that that was a terrible suggestion as it would put the kids in an awful situation. I don't see it this way. I'm not suggesting that they choose between us but if they want to stay in their home with Mam and Dad alternating looking after them, then it would be up to their mother and I to work out a shared parenting arrangement.

As for the birds nest scenario, by using the lump sum to pay the mortgage, we could easily rent a cheap place each and still be better off than we are now financially. Then in five years, the mortgage would have been reduced by about €40k and maybe the property market might have picked up, so then it would be a better time to sell. Plus the kids would have another five years of growing up in their own home and would be more able to handle a move when they're older.

I just don't see why I should let her dictate when I see my kids, when I should leave the house I invested most of the money in and pay for, and let her have everything her own way, especially as she is prone to neglecting or violently assaulting my children. And yes, I can prove this btw if needs be.

Finally, back to my original point, has anyone else experienced a female orientated bias in mediation or am I just unlucky?

ABajaninCork

Kashkai wrote: »

Folks

I badly need some advice re. the whole Family Mediation process.

We've had six sessions now and without exception, I have to listen to my wife berating me, slagging me off, saying what a bad person I am, how she does everything etc etc. Honestly, that is complete bull but when I try to refute this, the mediators cut me off and say that "the children must come first". Funny how they never cut her off when she's in full flow. They've talked to us separately about the massive impasse between us but while she gets 10 minutes of private time with them, I get five if I'm lucky. I have the very strong impression that I'm being seen as obstructive by refusing to move out.

My wife wants me out with access on the weekends (while she can then do what she pleases of course). As the kids are in childcare during the week, she isn't even minding them midweek. So why does she want the kids with her except as a bargaining chip and/or to claim maintenance? On my Solicitors advice, I've held off flinging dirt at her but it's got to the point where I can't see why I should hold back from informing the Mediators of how she has physically assaulted my kids (punching and kicking) just to show her in her true light.

She is now calling my bluff and saying that if I won't move out, she wants to sell the house and put the kids out of the only home they've ever known. She knows I don't want this and so the ultimatum is I go or the kids go. Christ she's so goddamn spiteful. We are fortunate that we have this huge lump sum of money that would allow us to come to a reasonable arrangement but this is hers, according to her, and now she wants the house and kids too. I don't want to go the legal route as the Solicitors will bleed us dry. However how do I deal with this spiteful woman??

I have suggested to the mediators that we ask the kids what they'd prefer. However I was immediately shot down by them and my wife agreeing that that was a terrible suggestion as it would put the kids in an awful situation. I don't see it this way. I'm not suggesting that they choose between us but if they want to stay in their home with Mam and Dad alternating looking after them, then it would be up to their mother and I to work out a shared parenting arrangement.

As for the birds nest scenario, by using the lump sum to pay the mortgage, we could easily rent a cheap place each and still be better off than we are now financially. Then in five years, the mortgage would have been reduced by about €40k and maybe the property market might have picked up, so then it would be a better time to sell. Plus the kids would have another five years of growing up in their own home and would be more able to handle a move when they're older.

I just don't see why I should let her dictate when I see my kids, when I should leave the house I invested most of the money in and pay for, and let her have everything her own way, especially as she is prone to neglecting or violently assaulting my children. And yes, I can prove this btw if needs be.

Finally, back to my original point, has anyone else experienced a female orientated bias in mediation or am I just unlucky?

Not being funny, but I think this might be the best solution! Don't worry too much about the kids - they won't be homeless. Yes - they have to move - might even move away from their friends and schools. But they can start again. Kids are resilient. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. My parents divorced when I was 13. It wasn't good, but you know what? I picked myself up and carried on. You have to.

So - in a nutshell? Call her bluff. Call your brief. Call a couple of Estate Agents. Put the house up for sale, divide the proceeds (not in half, but a share for you, one for her, and one each for your kids), and see her backtrack double-quick!! You can start again. It's best for all, IMO. Life is too short to be hanging on to a house just for your kids.

BTW -Did you speak to your solicitor about the CB she's salted away, thinking it's hers??

Cyclepath

Kashkai wrote: »

Folks

I badly need some advice re. the whole Family Mediation process.

We've had six sessions now and without exception, I have to listen to my wife berating me, slagging me off, saying what a bad person I am, how she does everything etc etc. Honestly, that is complete bull but when I try to refute this, the mediators cut me off and say that "the children must come first". Funny how they never cut her off when she's in full flow. They've talked to us separately about the massive impasse between us but while she gets 10 minutes of private time with them, I get five if I'm lucky. I have the very strong impression that I'm being seen as obstructive by refusing to move out.

My wife wants me out with access on the weekends (while she can then do what she pleases of course). As the kids are in childcare during the week, she isn't even minding them midweek. So why does she want the kids with her except as a bargaining chip and/or to claim maintenance? On my Solicitors advice, I've held off flinging dirt at her but it's got to the point where I can't see why I should hold back from informing the Mediators of how she has physically assaulted my kids (punching and kicking) just to show her in her true light.

She is now calling my bluff and saying that if I won't move out, she wants to sell the house and put the kids out of the only home they've ever known. She knows I don't want this and so the ultimatum is I go or the kids go. Christ she's so goddamn spiteful. We are fortunate that we have this huge lump sum of money that would allow us to come to a reasonable arrangement but this is hers, according to her, and now she wants the house and kids too. I don't want to go the legal route as the Solicitors will bleed us dry. However how do I deal with this spiteful woman??

I have suggested to the mediators that we ask the kids what they'd prefer. However I was immediately shot down by them and my wife agreeing that that was a terrible suggestion as it would put the kids in an awful situation. I don't see it this way. I'm not suggesting that they choose between us but if they want to stay in their home with Mam and Dad alternating looking after them, then it would be up to their mother and I to work out a shared parenting arrangement.

As for the birds nest scenario, by using the lump sum to pay the mortgage, we could easily rent a cheap place each and still be better off than we are now financially. Then in five years, the mortgage would have been reduced by about €40k and maybe the property market might have picked up, so then it would be a better time to sell. Plus the kids would have another five years of growing up in their own home and would be more able to handle a move when they're older.

I just don't see why I should let her dictate when I see my kids, when I should leave the house I invested most of the money in and pay for, and let her have everything her own way, especially as she is prone to neglecting or violently assaulting my children. And yes, I can prove this btw if needs be.

Finally, back to my original point, has anyone else experienced a female orientated bias in mediation or am I just unlucky?

Couple of points here

Yes mediation can be biased toward the woman, especially if it's one of the catholic agencies. I'm going on my own and a few friend's experiences here but anecdotally, it does seem to be the case. You have to tackle this bias head on by making your point and asking them to record your objection.

I think your wife is definitely bluffing regarding the house sale - most bullies are full of threats and hot air but with very little follow-up. To her this is just an argument that she has to win, as usual...

But, to be honest, a house sale wouldn't be the worst thing to happen. Think about this logically - you can't both have the house and what you'd lose in terms of the current value, you'd also lose by having to pay extra rent with a bird's nest agreement. Also put a price on your own sanity and future relationships - you have to be happy too, not just your children!

You need to have the absolute minimum of involvement with this woman and ensure that your only interface with her is directly related to child care. - be prepared for her expecting you to be on hand 24/7 with the children used as the excuse. She's not going to agree to any arrangement that she perceives as benefiting you...

I actually think you need to be a little more selfish in your approach. You're absolutely right to insist on your fair share of joint assets, but don't fall into the trap of making yourself unhappy for years while you cling onto a property that may not be worth the pain.

Kashkai

Cyclepath wrote: »

Couple of points here

Yes mediation can be biased toward the woman, especially if it's one of the catholic agencies. I'm going on my own and a few friend's experiences here but anecdotally, it does seem to be the case. You have to tackle this bias head on by making your point and asking them to record your objection.

I think your wife is definitely bluffing regarding the house sale - most bullies are full of threats and hot air but with very little follow-up. To her this is just an argument that she has to win, as usual...

But, to be honest, a house sale wouldn't be the worst thing to happen. Think about this logically - you can't both have the house and what you'd lose in terms of the current value, you'd also lose by having to pay extra rent with a bird's nest agreement. Also put a price on your own sanity and future relationships - you have to be happy too, not just your children!

You need to have the absolute minimum of involvement with this woman and ensure that your only interface with her is directly related to child care. - be prepared for her expecting you to be on hand 24/7 with the children used as the excuse. She's not going to agree to any arrangement that she perceives as benefiting you...

I actually think you need to be a little more selfish in your approach. You're absolutely right to insist on your fair share of joint assets, but don't fall into the trap of making yourself unhappy for years while you cling onto a property that may not be worth the pain.

We're attending the State run Family Mediation Service but it is very biased in her favour. She has spouted such blatant lies and got away with it while I get cut off if I try to defend myself. I can't see any point in continuing with this process as my wife won't compromise one inch.

So I rang my Solicitor and while he agreed that the Mediation was pointless now, he wants an up front payment of €8,000 before he engages a barrister to begin judicial separation proceedings. I haven't got one tenth of that amount at the moment. I'm in the category of I earn to much to get anything free but earn too little to afford anything. So free legal aid is not an option for me but neither is coming up with that amount of money. I could go cap in hand to family but I don't know how I'd pay it back. Plus that amount is probably just a portion of what this will eventually cost me.

Look I know I've been a complete wimp caving in to my wife's demands for years while she did as she pleased. This is why she now laughs at my threats of ending the marriage and seeking a reasonable settlement for myself. She has no respect for me and does not take me seriously. However I can't live like this any longer as my health is suffering (I've developed ulcers and have a non stop stream of colds and flu's plus I don't sleep well). This week, Shes told me to take Thursday off to mind my daughter as her school is closed. I was also told to take Friday and Monday off as my wife is on a course. Now I know you'd say "tell her to feck off" but I'm not unreasonable by nature and going into work just to screw her up would actually bother my conscience. Stupid or what??

As for the house, well to be absolutely honest, I hate the damn place as it holds nothing but bad memories for me. Therefore I have no sentimental attachment to it. However, I put €90,000 into it from the sale of my first home (before I met her) and I've paid the mortgage solely for five years. Therefore I'm not just going to hand this over to her and have to try to start from scratch in my mid 40's. I did suggest we get an estate agent in to value it but she insisted on being here when he came. She then said she'd only consider putting it on the market, like she thinks she has the final say on it.

She is a piece of work, nasty, bitter, vindictive and oh so spiteful. But lately I fear she is also deranged as no one can be that bloody evil.

Kashkai

ABajaninCork wrote: »

BTW -Did you speak to your solicitor about the CB she's salted away, thinking it's hers??

My solicitor said that as it's in a post office account under her name, it is legally hers. However we could make a case that it is part of the marital assets. He said that we could seek an order to freeze this account in case my wife tries to salt away the proceeds.

ABajaninCork

Kashkai wrote: »

As for the house, well to be absolutely honest, I hate the damn place as it holds nothing but bad memories for me. Therefore I have no sentimental attachment to it. However, I put €90,000 into it from the sale of my first home (before I met her) and I've paid the mortgage solely for five years. Therefore I'm not just going to hand this over to her and have to try to start from scratch in my mid 40's. I did suggest we get an estate agent in to value it but she insisted on being here when he came. She then said she'd only consider putting it on the market, like she thinks she has the final say on it.

She is a piece of work, nasty, bitter, vindictive and oh so spiteful. But lately I fear she is also deranged as no one can be that bloody evil.

Sorry, old boy. I wouldn't just suggest putting the house on the market. I'd DO IT!! Don't communicate directly with your wife, as that seems to be throwing petrol on the flames.

I'd be trying to get that money together and going via the legal route. Get the solicitor to put the wheels in motion to get the house valued and sold. By all means your wife can be present when the valuations are done, as she AND you should be. I'd also see about getting an order to freeze the money in the PO account.

And I would be trying to take back some of the power your wife seems to have over you. By that, I don't mean tit for tat, stooping to her level. But do not speak directly to her. Communicate only via your solicitor.

And have your correspondence sent elsewhere (like work) if you haven't already done so.

Feisty

Hi,

I was reading your post as a guest, and I created an account just so I could answer it.... I am a "wife" who separated last year. And I thought it might help you to hear some of the things that I was told as the woman in the separation.

My ex and I, more or less decided to separate amicably, as in we knew the marriage was over. He actually came to me one evening and said he thought he should move out, but he didnt know that I had already made plans to go myself. I was planning on moving alone as I was going to a different county and I didnt want to put my kids in a position where they had to choose. I left him in the home and rented a new house for myself.

Just last week we finalised our maintenance agreement. Basically all your assets are pooled, you BOTH have to complete an affidavit of means, which includes any bank accounts etc and all of your outgoings and expenditures, along with any income you both have. So her bank account with the CB in it will have to be declared. In my case I gave up a fairly good career 9 years ago to look after our children, so I am not working now. My ex does have to support me and my daughter (who afterwards decided she wanted to live with me). He still has our son living with him. The maintenance agreement is divided between me and my daughter, ie x amount for me, and y for her. When she finishes full time education I should still get x amount.

The house etc will be sorted out in the divorce agreement, right now he pays me enough to cover my rent, and he has the family home. We ended up sorting it out ourselves over the telephone so we didnt have to go to court, but I was told that the judge in the county that I live in was very "woman friendly" and that he could fare worse if we went to court about it.

I'm not a solicitor and I cannot advise you what you should do, the best I can suggest is to go the citizens advice bureau, its free, and you don't need an appointment. They will tell you about all the avenues. And you might even be eligible for legal aid. Oh and some solicitors will give a fixed price for a maintenance agreement, it might not be based on how many letters etc... ring a few and see what they say.

It's a long road, even if its amicable, hang in there, trust me, its worth it in the end

Rightwing

Some good advice on this thread.

Don't let her away with everything, fight fire with fire is the only advice I can give you. Hope it works out for you.

Clearlier

Not a regular in this forum - I just noticed the thread on the front page of boards and read through it. There's just one point that stuck in my mind that's pushing me to post. If I understand it correctly your wife physically and mentally abuses your children and you have proof of this. I know no details and circumstances are different for everyone but you don't describe someone who should be allowed to have unsupervised contact with your children let alone custody rights.

Kashkai

If you want complete honesty, well she has hit, punched and kicked me. When I told her I'd report her to the Guards, the abuse became more psychological. Believe me, this can be worse than getting hit. Then she has neglected our kids to the point of putting them in danger, eg leaving them in a locked car in an underground car park while she went shopping for an hour. She told our daughter to stop crying after she had a fall as she was disturbing her from chatting to her sisters. An hour later I arrive home, examine my still crying daughter and suspect a broken bone which was confirmed by x ray in Tallaght hospital later. So my child was nursing a broken wrist but told to shut up by her mother as her crying was interrupting her mothers yapping with her sisters. The summit of it all was one night I hear my daughter screaming in terror and I run into the kitchen to find her mother pulling her by the hair with one hand while punching her in the face and head with the other and kicking her in the process. I'll swear to all of this in court and if necessary my children can attest to it all. I know you might think I'm bull****ting but I'm not. I've stayed with this abusive woman so long as I fear for my children if left alone with her and her temper

ABajaninCork

Have you told any of this to your solicitor? Did you make a report to Social Services??

halie

I am sorry to hear of all this going on but to be honest you should have stopped this physical abuse when it began. You have concealed this abuse toward your children therefore facilitated it by not preventing it making you just as guilty as she is. I think its a bit late worrying about the children when you have stood by and allowed this to happen. You both seem to be so bitter and will get nowhere behaving this way. I am sorry if you feel this is harsh but you need to "man up" for gods sake and work this out. I too have experienced a difficult marriage with a husband who has a personality disorder resulting in him being very deceitful and unpredictable but for my kids sake I am willing to work things in a fair way as there are no winners in this situation. As for the CB account perhaps your wife is planning on putting your children through college with this money but you seem to be using this as a stick to beat her with. She does sound like an irrational individual but you say she has always been like this and let her get away with it. Need I say any more.... Im just being honest about what i have read on the various posts. I really do wish you the best of luck.

Taltos

halie - as you are new to boards please ensure you check the charter of each forum you visit. One thing we ask though is not to dig up old threads. As the OP has not been back to this thread in over a month we are closing it.

However per our charter if you cannot post in a non-judgemental way please don't post, as you are new we are issuing this unofficial warning but further posts in breach of our charter her in any manner will result in moderator action.

OP - if you want this thread re-opened please contact any of the mods in strictest confidence.

Taltos



Re-opened at OP's request.

Kashkai

Ok, to sum up, the mediation has gotten nowhere. She used it to slag me off and threaten me. The mediators had enough of her and finally told her that she couldn't dictate how things would work out. She was asked to compromise but refused. We were told to go away and think about things for a few weeks and to then see if we wanted to go back to mediation. Well I cancelled today's session as I couldn't face another hour of her slagging me off.

I did get the house valued and the estate agent said it was worth a lot more than I expected. Even by clearing the mortgage, there would be over a hundred grand in equity left (if it sold close to the asking price). Combine this with the lump sum and we could both split things 50:50 and walk away with eighty grand each. That would allow us to buy a modest house each with a smallish mortgage and so the kids would have secure homes to live in. I think this is reasonable considering I put almost three times the equity into the family home than she did and pay the mortgage on my own. However, she doesn't see it this way and wants all the lump sum plus half the equity from the house. She also wants the kids with her but will allow me access at the weekends. My preference is week on/week off with the kids so I see them and parent them half the time.

As for her, well she's doing as she pleases as usual. She's going away for the weekend and I've been told I've to babysit. My family and friends say don't accommodate her at all but I've never been the type to play games, especially where my children are involved. Should I say nothing to her, withdraw all cooperation? Wouldn't this be affecting my kids though? Would it make me seem very unreasonable when this goes to court?

As for one comment about me being complicit in the physical abuse of my children, I stepped in each time and stopped her. My crime was that I didn't go to the Guards and report her. Hindsight is great but at the time, I didn't think we'd end up where we are. So many people told me that she was suffering from post natal depression which I wanted to believe. Now I just see her as a violent bully. As someone who grew up with a bully for a father, I hate confrontation but there's no other way out of this except the confrontational route is there?

As for the children's allowance being used as a college fund, she has my kids going round with shoes with holes in them, trousers with holes in the knees, jumpers and t shirts so small that their little heads almost have their ears torn off when trying to take them off as the necks of the jumpers are too small. All this while she has the best of clothes from her weekly shopping trips. When I buy the kids new clothes, she doesn't put them on them out of spite. If I make the mistake of leaving the tags on them, she brings them back to the shop for a refund which she pockets, even though I bought them. Another example of how absolutely mental she is.

So what do you advise? Go back to mediation? Just go the legal route? Withdraw all cooperation with her? Go away this weekend myself (it'd be the first time since before I got married that I had time to myself). Living like this is a nightmare that just doesn't end. I just want away from her but not without my kids.

ABajaninCork

OK OP. You need to MAN UP!! Stop playing the victim and take positive action.

There's not a lot you can do about this weekend, as there isn't much time to make alternative arrangements. In future - inform your wife that she has to make proper arrangements for childcare and not swan off as she chooses.

If the children need clothes and shoes? What's wrong with you taking them shopping and buying them yourself? They're your kids after all. Take off the tags, and throw out the old stuff. Wash and iron the clothes and put them on the kids YOURSELF!! Does your solicitor know about all this? And did you call Social Services about the abuse? If not - why not?

Put the house on the market. No if's, buts or maybes. Do it.

Speak to your solicitor again and see about freezing the account with the child benefit. Tell your solicitor you're putting the house on the market and will pay your wife out of that. Look for somewhere else to live.

You need to put on your big boy's pants on now, and start doing for yourself and your kids.

Midnight Shadow

ABajaninCork wrote: »

OK OP. You need to MAN UP!! Stop playing the victim and take positive action.

There's not a lot you can do about this weekend, as there isn't much time to make alternative arrangements. In future - inform your wife that she has to make proper arrangements for childcare and not swan off as she chooses.

If the children need clothes and shoes? What's wrong with you taking them shopping and buying them yourself? They're your kids after all. Take off the tags, and throw out the old stuff. Wash and iron the clothes and put them on the kids YOURSELF!! Does your solicitor know about all this? And did you call Social Services about the abuse? If not - why not?

Put the house on the market. No if's, buts or maybes. Do it.

Speak to your solicitor again and see about freezing the account with the child benefit. Tell your solicitor you're putting the house on the market and will pay your wife out of that. Look for somewhere else to live.

You need to put on your big boy's pants on now, and start doing for yourself and your kids.

This advice is so true...you have to look out for yourself and your kids...I had hoped for an amicable agreement...but she was mercenary about the break up (plus she had done it before and knew exactly how to go about it) .... it will cost a few bob though depending on how hard she digs her heels in! In my own case, I tried to be reasonable and fair throughout and restrained my solicitor and barrister from doing their job..the end result was she screwed me...and im going to pay for it for a very long time..in hindsight i wish i had let my solicitor and barrister off their leashes... big boy's pants time is right...and I hope your nightmare ends soon and that you can move on with your life...i genuinely wish you best of luck buddy

Taltos

Agree with the rest - start legal proceedings asap - get it all agreed and signed up to.
Get some advice first though, if she digs her heels in this can be very very costly and you will see a good chunk of the excess from the house sale eaten up by legal bills.

Go get the professional advice though, many solicitors will give you a first free session so don't just settle with the first one you see, check to ensure that they are experts in the field and very importantly ensure you feel personally happy with them representing you.

Sooner you get it all agreed in terms of rights / costs the better.