Issue with friend because I left college

upatnight

I am a 20 year old lad and began studying a course in 2011 at first I wasn't sure about the course and I didn't love it but I decided to give it a go. At the end of the first semester I did hardly any study for my exams and I passed them all and I did quite well. This kind of encouraged me a long and I did the second semester. I had the same thing problem I just didn't love the course but I was top of the class and everybody I my family was proud of me. Outside of college I was popular and having a good time. This continues all the ways through semester two.
I knew that I could leave the course at the end of second year and still receive a certificate in the area I was studying. I kind of had in my head to drop out at the end of second year if I did not get to like it.
When second year began I simply was never happy but I put a brave face on it and got on with it I went to college and was miserable for the entire year. I did well in all the exams again, I just simply never liked the course.
I studied a good few subjects over the two years and I found a lot of them common scene. I knew a lot of information that was being taught from stuff I have read in the past. A lot of people in the class looked at me for advice/help with the course. On one occasion I did assignments for six different people(7 including myself) in the course. All of these were handed up on same day and for the same subject. I made sure to make these unique/good. When the results came back only eight people passed out of twenty. This was a running joke for weeks. I ended up doing this a few other times as well and I always did well in them.
One day we were talking about people perception of the future and who they taught was going to succeed the most. The lecturer told everybody to write down a piece of paper who they taught was going to be the most successful(anonymously) 16 out of 18 people wrote down my name.
Nobody in the class realised how I was feeling, I was barely seeping, eating and just feeling miserable the whole time.
I was talking to my friend(bestfriend) in April and I said that I hated the course and was planning on not coming back next year. She first said I was joking then she said she was going to tell everybody in the class that I was gay(I'm not) and then she said she might harm herself if I did. This just stressed me even more. I said to her Id be coming back.
When I did my exams in May I had a happy feeling knowing that I wouldn't be back in September. I contacted a lecturer about my plans to leave and begged me to stay saying that I was one of the nicest/best/good student he's seeing in years and said I said I should think about it. He rang me a good few times and another lecturer rang me also I was closer to him and explained to him I was feeling. He said he was surprised and had no idea how I was feeling but agreed that leaving was the best option for me. I left with a level 6 certificate in the area anyway
Due to another family issue I would have probably needed to take the year off anyway.
I was a bit cowardly with the next action I took. I left telling my class that I was dropping out of the course until the day before college returned. Most of the class said they were surprised and I explained how I felt and they understood.
Except for one girl that I considered to be my best friend. She started saying the same things as before, she never acted on them. She constantly texts me saying I am a waster/useless but then she's all nice and chatty with me a few texts later and if I don't reply see sends me countless email/massages on facebook, she also started posting stuff on my wall and I've had to change my setting and approve everything that is posted on my wall. She has the opinion I have nothing else to do except sit in front of the tv.
I live on a farm and I enjoy doing jobs on it. This also helps my dad who is in his sixties now. I am actually thinking of doing an agricultural course in either 2014 or 2015. This all depends on how things pan out at home.( complicated issue that takes up a lot of time but it will eventually be resolved). I also have a part time job. Which is also keeping me busy. Now I will admit I don't pay my parents rent but this is because they refused to take it. So I buy groceries for the house(meat,veg,basically a shopping) I cook meals a few times a week/do jobs around the house. This really takes the pressure off my mam. Now I know it might not seem like a lot but I am really busy most of the time. I might be free the odd day but that's it. This girl keeps on calling me a waster tough.
I used go out a good bit in college but I don't actually have the time now. I went out once a few weeks ago and I plan to go out once/twice before Christmas but I get a text off the girl nearly ever night that I should go out. I text back I can't and she always texts me back some insult.
This is the issue to do with my 21st. I am a sociable person. I have being to loads of friends Birthdays in the past. So, that's not the issue their. I simply don't believe in 21st because I don't like putting pressure on people to give me money/presents. I kind of got this off attitude off my parents. My siblings didn't have 21st or 30th nor did we celebrate events in my parents lives with a big party. Now we do acknowledge these events with a cake/gift/little thing at home or maybe going out for a meal. Now we always go to friends/family celebrations and give a gift. We just don't do them ourselves. If I get married I do plan on inviting people and have a wedding.
I have told this to a few people and some get it and some don't. Their are two people(one is the girl)in particular who are putting pressure on me to have a 21st and they won't accept the answer No! My plan for the day is to get a few cards/gifts off my family and have a cake. Maybe even a meal. I then plan to have a few drinks with a friend of mine.(I would be happy out with this)
This is where this gets complicated tough. The girl got my address a couple of years ago and still as it and she's being dropping hints that she might call on my 21st. Now my dad is a hoarder. My room is tidy as is the kitchen/living room. It just other rooms that are untidy and the outside of the house. Now my school friends know about this and I have a feeling that one or two people might know about it from college and I never really had hassle about it from anyone. I was always good to people and those that knew never bothered me because they knew it wasn't my choice. I have only every had one or two people over here when I was young. I either went to their houses or my mam brought us to the Cinema/out. There was no issues with this. My problem is if she lands at my house. She will laugh/mock me over it and then give out about the state of it before sharing it with people on facebook.
I have tried ignoring this girls calls/texts but she won't get the message and I don't want to have a massive out bust and upset her either.
Any advice on what I should do?
I know my issue is small compared to others out their with more serious problems.

Hey op, you seem like a very nice guy with great manners but I feel on this occasion you may need to be a bit rude.
Why are you allowing this girl to disrupt your life? I'm not even sure why you call her your best friend. She doesn't seem to have any redeeming characteristics.
You are the only person that is in charge of your happiness, you seem to know what you want & how to make yourself happy.
Tell this girl to butt out of your life. Maybe she needs to get her own life & leave you alone.
Tell her you will be doing whatever you what for your birthday, it's none of her concern.
And if she does show up at your house, although she shouldn't if you make it clear, then you don't have to let her in.

thegreatgonzo

upatnight wrote: »

A lot of people in the class looked at me for advice/help with the course. On one occasion I did assignments for six different people(7 including myself) in the course. All of these were handed up on same day and for the same subject. I made sure to make these unique/good. When the results came back only eight people passed out of twenty. This was a running joke for weeks. I ended up doing this a few other times as well and I always did well in them.

Except for one girl that I considered to be my best friend. She started saying the same things as before, she never acted on them. She constantly texts me saying I am a waster/useless
I have tried ignoring this girls calls/texts but she won't get the message and I don't want to have a massive out bust and upset her either.
Any advice on what I should do?

OP, that girl sounds like a bully and my advice would be to get her out of your life altogether. Friends don't mock each other or make them feel the way you do. If she has problems you are not the one to sort them out, she sees you as someone she can manipulate.
Why on earth would you do anyone's assignments for them? OP you can't go through life doing things like that. People will take advantage of you and you will attract more people like that girl you think is your best friend.
You sound like a great person from your post btw and your family are very lucky to have you. Don't let one nasty girl make you feel otherwise.

Big Bag of Chips

The main cause of your concern and problems seems to be this one girl. Everyone else in your life is happy enough to let you do your own thing. (Which is the way it should be, by the way)

What you need to do is remove this source of stress from your life.

There's 2 ways to do this.

-Have it out with her, where you stand up for yourself and tell her you are capable of making your own decisions and if you want her input or opinion that you will ask.

Or

-Start ignoring her. Stop answering calls and text messages. Stop her status updates from appearing on your news feeds. Don't approve her posts to appear on your page.

She will very quickly move on to someone else, people like her always do. And then you can become two-people-who-used-to-be-friends-but-don't-see-each-other-as-often-anymore!

Friendships are supposed to be fun and something you get enjoyment out of. You should not be dreading contact from your "best friend" and afraid of them mocking you.

Don't be afraid to look after your own needs for once. You might be afraid of upsetting her or insulting her, but she'll get over it. (Pretty quickly I'd imagine!)

After all, she doesn't seem too worried about upsetting you........

Edit: by the way... You do realise that this girl was using you for her college assignments, don't you? That is the only reason why YOU dropping out of college, should mean so much to HER. She's not one bit bothered about how you felt, or what you want. She's primarily concerned with No. 1. Which is why you should aim to be a little bit... (Very very small bit!) like her, and you should look out for No. 1 too!

ivytwine

Have to agree with bubblypop, you sound like a really nice guy and that may be part of the problem.

You are doing the right thing for you and I can't understand why your classmate is pressurising you like this. I can see why your lecturer was disappointed but as for your 'friend' (and I am reluctant to use that term) she just sounds unbalanced tbh.

I think you need to cut contact with her and fast.

Again, you are doing the right thing for YOU. College isn't for everyone, going out on the piss every night isn't for everyone, and having someone judge you for your house is not acceptable.

I had a friend and for four years I was afraid of him coming to my house. Not a hoarder problem but the house is small and (it's been done up since) back then, not very nice as we had no money at home. He was a snob. We aren't friends anymore, and I realise now that you should never ever have to feel uncomfortable around someone you consider a friend.

She just seems obsessed and you're going to have to upset her if you want this to stop. Tell her you don't want her contacting you anymore, to delete your number and delete her off Facebook.

Good luck. You sound like a great person and you deserve better

upatnight

Thanks for the advice!
I know doing those assignments for those people weren't the best idea but it sort of kept my busy and stopped me from thinking to much. So at the time it meant scene and I do under stand I was being used by some of those people.
The only reason the lecturer rang me a good few times asking me to stay was because he wanted to know why and could he help me because he normally found that people dropped out were failing the course or had a problem that they needed help with.
When I said this girl was my best friend I might have worded it wrong. I am more of her best friend than she is mine. I would be close to her because we spent a good bit of time together in college but I have friends who I consider closer to me.
I have tried ignoring her calls/texts but she persist She could easily send me a few hundred messages in a few days if I didn't reply to her.
I went to the cinema the other night at I put my Phone on silent. The cinema is in a shopping the centre and one of her other friends saw me going in. She must have texted her that she saw me because when I came out of the film I had 112 messages from her asking why didn't you tell me you were going to why didn't you ask me and saying I want to go to see a film with you tonight.
She keeps on saying if I ignore her she will harm herself and blame me. This is one of the main issues. If I do cut her off. She is the kind of girl who would leave a message on facebook blaming me!!

Big Bag of Chips

upatnight wrote: »

She keeps on saying if I ignore her she will harm herself and blame me.

And nobody would believe her. People make their own choices. If she harms herself, she'd be an idiot to broadcast it on Facebook. Only someone desperate for attention would do that, and most people can recognise attention seekers immediately, over people who genuinely need help. I'm guessing she has a lot of status updates. All looking for some sort of attention from others?!

She is holding you over a barrel. Ignore her 100+ texts. Block her number if you can. You are not, and cannot possibly be held responsible for her actions. If you know someone she knows, then tell them of her threats. Even though they are empty, if you tell someone under the guise of concern for her, then someone else mentioning it to her might make her cop herself on or at least embarrass her enough to grow up.

You will not be the only person who has seen this side of her. I'm guessing she's probably been through quite a few "friends" at this stage, who cannot handle her behaviour and just move on.

ivytwine

Aw OP, I really feel for you. But seriously, 112 messages in the space of an hour and a half-two hours. It's not normal at all.

You aren't even dating this girl, you're just mates, but it seems like she has an obsession with you. There are threads here from time to time about people in abusive, unhealthy relationships who are afraid to break it off because their other half is threatening self-harm. But the advice is generally unanimous. You have no control over other people. You can't stop her if she is really going to self-harm. If, as I suspect, it's a method of control over you, it's a symptom of a very sick and dangerous obsession, and she won't do anything, she just wants you to be close to her.

You have to learn that you are a person of value too and you need to protect yourself and your own wellbeing. This girl is sick. If someone else comes into your life, and you want to be with them, what are you going to say, "Oh, X will text me a hundred times a day, but that's cool, right?"

This can't continue. If she puts up a message on Facebook, will anyone take it seriously? There's a whole thread in After Hours nearly 400 pages long about the stupid, inappropriate and downright mad things people put on Facebook, there's whole websites dedicated to it, she will make no-one look bad only herself.

You have to cut this girl out. I'd nearly recommend going to the guards over her, there's a name for this.

ABajaninCork

Ignore the silly cow. People who talk about doing harm to themselves rarely do. It's emotional blackmail.

Do yourself a huge favour too. Block her number and delete her from FB. If she turns up. Don't answer, and get your Mum to say you're out. It'll make for a stress-free existence...

Tell her if the harassment continues, you'll be going to the Gards. That'll put a stop to her gallop with any luck.

castaway_lady

112 messages inside of 2hrs....this girl clearly has problems above shoulder level. You're getting nothing from this so-called friendship except hardship and headaches so time to call it quits. Block her on fb and set her phone number as a spammer. Tell her straight too that you've had enough, she has no right to judge or dictate your life, you don't consider her a friend any longer because of her behaviour, wish her the best with her future endeavours and tell her its the end of the road and do this before it gets within range of your birthday.

Well done on your cert by the way. You do seem to have your head screwed on, a significant proportion of people wouldn't have seen the course out, it will always stand to you and it's great that you're thinking of furthering your education in the agri line out of genuine interest.
Do yourself this favour and free up your headspace and no need to feel guilty about it.

upatnight

Thanks for the advice.
I need to pick the right time to confront this girl as she has gone quiet in the last day.
I was the class rep and when I did this we did a lot of training on supporting people in the class if they needed help and we were always told not to cut the people out. So, I thought that wouldn't have being an option.
She is actually not a girl who uses a lot of facebook. Just the odd comment. She also finds it hard to make friends because she probably treats everybody the same as me.

ivytwine

Yes, but this is way beyond your role as a class rep. The girl has an unhealthy obsession with you.

It's nice to be nice and all but she needs professional help, something you can't give to her. You need to put yourself first here for once!

Chara1001

I think you're completely out of your depth with this girl and unless you do what she wants, you're going to be faced with a barrage of threats, obsessive, unnerving, and scary behavior, 112 texts???!!!That would freak me out, wouldn't that be about a text a minute?
You can't help her OP, you sound like a very decent and considerate person, but I'm not sure you can see clearly how inappropriate her relationship with you is- (i don't mean yours with her, just hers with you- if that makes sense), because i get the impression you're still immersed in it to some extent.
You really REALLY need to extricate yourself from this girl entirely, she's unstable and doesn't understand boundaries. So when you speak to her, I think you should follow it through by backing away from her- slowly if you would prefer to, but i really don't think there is ANYTHING you can do to help her except let her get the professional help she needs.

ManOfMystery

OP, if I got 10 texts during the course of a film from someone obsessing about me, I'd find it weird.

112 is mind-boggling. The girl has issues, and the kindest thing you can do for both her and yourself is to remove yourself from her life.

Block her number, block her on social media, and do not interact with her. If she persists in trying to have some input in your life, calmly but firmly tell her that her behaviour is obsessive, bordering on stalker-ish, and you WILL go to the Garda about it if she doesn't back off.

You really have to be assertive here; stereotypical stalkers like her do not seem to understand hints or gentle persuasion. Take it as a fact from those who have experienced this before.

gugleguy

ManOfMystery wrote: »

you WILL go to the Garda about it if she doesn't back off.

You really have to be assertive here;Take it as a fact from those who have experienced this before.

Referred to the first portion above OP, if it has to be done, it has to be done. Firm up.

YumCha

Just a different point of view - it's all very well for everyone to assume that she's attention seeking etc. - but in my opinion ANY cry of suicide should be taken seriously. Someone said that these types of people rarely go through with these threats - how rarely does it need to be to not be taken seriously?

My advice would be to talk to either her parents (or her close friends, or the college staff - whoever you can get a hold of) and tell them that she's made threats to take her own life, explain the situation and why you can't be involved, and then take the steps necessary to cut contact. You aren't responsible for her behaviour - but you should alert someone who is in a position to help her.