Started dating awesome girl. Weird defence mechanism (for me)?

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm feeling mildly depressed tonight, and was hoping for a bit of advice or something!

I've started seeing this girl recently. We met online, and got on well from the first date. Now we've gone out three times, and the most recent one was great - lots of drinking, kissing, hand holding and the like. I really like her a lot, she's good looking, great personality, smart, funny, friendly, etc. All indications are good so far.

However I just can't get this feeling of dread out of my mind that either (a) she will just decide one day that she wants to end it, (b) she'll want to go travelling again* and it will have to end, or (c) I will screw it up somehow.

* She has done a lot of travelling, and has spoken before about wanting to go to Australia for the year, etc. I've already done it, would not want to go away for a big trip again.

I have no real basis for negative feelings like this, but literally any time I think about her (which is a lot lately), I try to temper the positivity by reminding myself that in all likelihood it'll end, and so I shouldn't get my hopes up. It seems like a good plan at times (so that if/when it does end, it won't be as upsetting), but it's becoming a bit self-defeating now, because I'm pretty miserable every time I think about it!

I'm in my mid-twenties, and I haven't had any kind of serious relationship since secondary school/college (if that counts). I have had various, relatively short-term, things here and there over the last few years. Most of them I wasn't really into the girl, and saw no future in it, so didn't keep it going. The most recent one though was with a girl I liked quite a bit, but she ended it after a couple of months; she was looking for something a bit casual (she was pretty busy and unavailable), whereas I probably came on too much like I was looking for a relationship. Because I am

I'm trying to not make the same mistake with this girl... I'd like to be texting her all the time, and going out very regularly, but I think I've done well enough to give this one a bit of space! Thankfully she's a bit more forthcoming with the communication, so I don't feel like I'm chasing her all the time.

Anyway - not sure if I have a specific question. Any general thoughts or advice appreciated.

shinesun

Hi OP,

What I am reading is that you have only gone on three dates.. Just continue to date her and see how it goes..:)
There is no sense in worrying about anything you have posted so early on. You barely know this girl yet.
As I have said already, go on more dates and just enjoy it without over thinking it..

Merkin

Aww, don't ruin this for yourself. The getting-to-know-you, early stages of a relationship are so lovely and so special. Don't let the white noise get in the way of you enjoying this!

It is VERY early days. Three dates makes this shiny brand new so just adopt a wait and see approach. In answer to your concerns:

(a) she will just decide one day that she wants to end it

What if she does? Honestly? People don't die from heartbreak and you can't think like this or you will jeopardise it before it even starts. She may or she may not, that's the risk you take when you get involved with someone.

(b) she'll want to go travelling again* and it will have to end,

And you categorically say you don't want to do a big trip again? If you fall in love, you'd be amazed at what you'll do. Might seem like a ridiculous thing now but if this gets serious, going away for a year with her might seem like the most amazing prospect ever....don't be so closed off to things.


(c) I will screw it up somehow.

You may or may not. If you continue on thinking so fatalistically about all of this then it probably will become a self fulfilling prophecy yes. If you actually relax about it all and allow yourself to enjoy it then it has a far better chance of working out.

Santa Cruz

Listen to Garth Brooks "The Dance"

"Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain
but then I'd have to miss The Dance"

That will give you a direction

ivytwine

Sounds it might have been a bit of booze blues? Or am I completely off?

Not a big Garth Brooks fan, but that song has a point. Love is random chance largely. This girl might be the one you marry, she might not. But why not just enjoy what you have with her now?

LegacyUser

I know exactly where you are coming from. I am dating this extremely hot polish girl who is way out of my league and yet she likes me, cares for me, worries about me if I'm unwell.

I've no idea why she is interested in me and for a while it bugged me a bit and I went through the same thoughts as you.

To be honest you've no idea what will happen with anyone so why worry, go with the flow and if its meant to be it will be

Hazys

OP you are coming across as very needy talking about messing it up. You went on 3 dates, you barely know the girl. For all you know you and her are completely incompatible and i think you have already decided in your head she's the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Ask yourself this, is there any possibility in your head at the moment that you might move on from her after a few more dates not the other way around or that she could be the one to mess it up?

I think you need to take a step back and chill for a bit, you are coming acorss too strong. Enjoy the early stages for what they are, a phase to figure out if ye guys are compatible. Don't worry about the future for a month or two, then decide if you want to make it something official.

castle

You just have to leave in the moment and what will be will, you have more chance of staying with her if you are true to yourself and just enjoy the now rather then racing miles ahead

LegacyUser

Well she ended it That's that then.

ivytwine

Aw sorry to hear that Try not to take it too much to heart. Perhaps your gut was telling you it wasn't quite right. There are more out there. Hell there are some marvellous specimens of womanhood who are single, you will find a great girl eventually

Wishing you the best OP.