Question over guys intentions

LegacyUser

I met this guy three months ago on a dating site. I’ve been through the online dating process a few times over the past couple of years so I know the score in regards to sincerity in intentions etc. Anyways, I got chatting to a guy on there and we really hit it off. In fact, I was a little surprised and almost nervous at how well we did, I was wondering what was the catch? It turns out he had been in a 6 years relationship and things had ended badly a few months before. As I was just interested in a more long-term relationship, I told him this and asked him specifically was he just looking for a short-term thing or a rebound to which he pretty strongly said no, not at all and that he was completely open to a more serious thing possibly developing.

We met and got on like a house on fire, the first month we probably saw each other 4-5 times a week, texted during the day and rang each other at night. After this first month he asked if we could make it more official (ie the boyfriend/girlfriend chat). I’ve been hurt badly in the past, but this guy just completely won me over and I have to say when he brought up the bf/gf topic I was completely sucked in and I was already falling in love with him. The second month of seeing him I could feel him pulling back a little which was understandable as we both have work etc but it seemed a little bit of hassle for him to meet me say once a week or even to chat on the phone for more than 2 minutes.

Just gotten to the end of three months seeing him and unfortunately the past week has been very difficult for me. My Dad was in hospital having tests to see if his cancer has spread so I was obviously very nervous. I spoke about it with him but I really got the impression he didn’t want to know. When my dad was released and I went down home to see him, I never even got a text to see how things were. At this stage I had had enough and I asked him straight out were we ok and I got this text in reply:

"I feel bad because i want to get closer to you and become more mutually dependent but i'm not sure i'm ready. It's hard because I really love you but I have to protect myself and make sure I don't take too much on too quickly as I have done in the past. This was always going to be hard. Distance, Time, Stress...I wish I was in a better place, I don't want to let you down. "I'm sorry....I don't want to hurt you. You have been so good to me...I feel horrible”

I was pretty blindsided by this as only the week before he was declaring his love for me saying he really saw this relationship going the distance. I agreed to talk to him on the phone the next day where he said the stuff with my Dad put too much stress on him and he couldn’t deal with it. He also admitted he didn’t trust me though I have given him no reason not to. I asked did he want to break up and he said no but he needed time and space to think. I gave him a week to think about whatever he needs to think about but if I don’t hear back then I’m gone.

I’m incredibly hurt, I’d nearly use the term heartbroken. Especially as I had specifically asked at the beginning and during the first month was it just short term/a rebound and he always said no. Is it just that he doesn’t want to admit to me that it’s a short term thing and he’s hoping I just walk away so he doesn’t have to do the dumping or does it sound like he’s genuinely confused and I should wait for him?

Sorry for the long post but I just wanted to give the full background.

Merkin

I think he probably felt under ENORMOUS pressure from you. In fact I think you're putting enormous pressure on yourself and on anyone wanting to maybe take you on a date! Before you even met this man you got him to commit to the fact that he was looking for a long term relationship, nothing short term or any 'wait and see' approach was allowed by the sounds of it.

It sounds like you want to settle down and settle down immediately and nobody is going to stand in your way. I'm all for being assertive and being clear about what you want but dating should also be fun. What about try before you buy? What about getting to know someone and THEN deciding you'd like to make it more long term as opposed to stipulating to a virtual stranger that that's the only thing you will entertain?

I think this guy may have really cared about you but because you've shoe horned him from the off into a veryseriousrelationshipwithafuture he's probably run scared and I can't say I blame him, what enormous pressure to put on something so new and something that should ultimately be fun.

LegacyUser

Woah woah woah hang on a minute. Maybe I didn't explain myself clearly enough but I most certainly did not "shoe horned him from the off into a veryseriousrelationshipwithafuture". Look I didn't particularly want to be a rebound for someone, been there and I don't get what the problem is with asking if that's what it was? When I said I was more interested in a long-term thing I meant and explained to him what I meant was that IF we were to get on it would be a few dates and see how we get on and if it goes well continue on etc etc and take it from there. I didn't want a friends with benefits type thing or just a sex buddy. I put absolutely NO PRESSURE on either myself or this guy to take it straight to a long term thing. If anything it was the reverse, we'd barely known each other for two weeks and he asks me to be his girlfriend? I said we need to slow down, relax and see how it goes. Constantly for the first two months I did this. He declared his love just after asking me to be his GF?? Is this me putting pressure on him? I don't think so.

Mod's can you please close this thread, thank you.

beks101

Sadgal wrote: »

It turns out he had been in a 6 years relationship and things had ended badly a few months before.

Here's your red flag. This sounds like a classic case of rebounding to me, which coupled with the pressure he probably felt he was under (you had established that this was to be a long-term relationship before you had even met?)

I do feel for you OP - I know how headfcuking and frustrating online dating can be, and how full of game-players, time-wasters and chancers it is. I can totally understand how you got to the point where you decided "I need to be straight and completely clear of my intentions."

Unfortunately though, this doesn't leave room for the organic, getting-to-know-you, see-how-things-go process that precedes most healthy relationships - it just means immediately he was starting off on a foot where he "didn't want to let you down"

Couple that with the heartbreak, pain, distrust and absolute turmoil he has just been through with his ex - of course he's decided to do a runner. To be honest, from his text he sounds quite mature in his undrstanding of what's been going on with him and his need for space.

As a rule of thumb, I hear "just out of a long-term relationship" and I walk away fast and don't look back. Rebound behaviour often includes a head-first dive into a new relationship as a means of "trying to move on" - with all the forward expressions of love and affection and intention that you seemed to experience.

daisybelle2008

OP it sounds like you both have a lot of emotional baggage and neither of you sound ready for a relationship, him walking wounded, just out of a badly ending long term relationship. You looking for up front commitment and guarantees from someone you barely know . You describe yourself as having being 'hurt badly in the past', and you seem to want him to fix all these issues by giving you some relationship insurance policy.
His text seems very honest about the fact he rushed into things and is a little overwhelmed. He seems to think highly of you, but clearly is not on the same page as you. It has only been a few months, your expectation of being in a serious relationship and having emotional support for the unfortunate situation with your Father is clearly too much for a guy just out of a serious relationship.

Also I am not sure what you mean by 'sincerity of intentions' in this context. How sincere can anyone's intention be towards someone they don't really know?

Big Bag of Chips

Sadgal wrote: »

Mod's can you please close this thread, thank you.

Done!