Becoming anti-social

LegacyUser

I was always a very social person and had no problem chatting to people. However, I had a long relationship a while ago with somebody that I was mad about, but (only realising this later) he had a tendency to make me feel conscious about myself.

I would have always have gone and thrown shapes on the dancefloor and talk absolute sh/te to people, but, later on, the ex would always make fun of me. It was good natured, but it got to me, so that the next time I found myself doing it, I would remember what he said and get uncomfortable.

Well, now we're well broken up, but I'm carrying this with me. And I can't relax when I'm out anymore. It's gotten to the stage where it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy because I know I won't be able to relax so I come across as stand-offish ,and I just can't seem to get into the group chats at all. Because of all this, I'm not going out very much, and so I leave myself with less to talk about and I am just not in a good place. I'm not sure how to break this cycle. I have joined a running class, but, after a few weeks of getting to know everybody, I'm not charismatic enough, and, if I end up running with just one other person, I can feel myself tense up and worry that we may run out of chat. I swear - I'm exuding my problems out of my pours and people are picking up on this!!

LegacyUser

This could have been written by myself. Went out with what I now realise was a complete knob who chipped away at me until my confidence was zero. Don't ask why I allowed this to happen but I saw sense and got out.

Just keep going as you are. Joining the running group was a great idea. Try and push yourself more with the running, if you're out of breath less time to chat and less pressure to fill the silence. Running gives you loads to talk about, races, diet, gear etc maybe u can go for a coffee or something after with the group? Keep doing this sort of thing, leave pubs off. If u are doing Zumba, quiz, music or drama group, evening class will always give u something to talk about. People with hobbies and interests are attractive. Be patient and kind to yourself. It will take time and you need to heal from your bad experience with your ex. Don't go looking for a new man, be open to all the people u may meet running etc

I still feel awkward socially but I am getting better. I am enjoying the new hobbies I have started and it's taken time to get comfortable in my own skin again. Some days I feel antisocial and I just accept those days and enjoy a bit of tv and reading, paint toenails etc but I never miss my activities, I push myself to go as I always feel better for doing something.

There is a website called baggage reclaim. It might help you make sense of your ex, take care of yourself it will take time but it will get easier and better keep going and good luck with the running

December2012

Have you a few good mates you can go out with? That you won't be standoffish with?

LegacyUser

Not really. My best, best mate is over in Canada now and, while another good friend is around for chats by email, she's not really up for going out and I did try and tell her how I was feeling before but I think it was a bit heavy - she has her own issues. I don't really have somebody that I can talk to properly.

December2012

Okay. Would you talk to a therapist about your problems? It might free up your mind so then you're more relaxed around potential friends.

Also look at meetup.com