Is it okay for married people to have friends of the opposite sex

speedy2007

Hey,

Just looking for some advice here. I am happily married. I was recently abroad at a conference alone and met a happily married guy who was also on his own at the conference. We ended up hanging out and talking quite a bit and got on really well. We talked a lot about our spouses and I told my OH that we were having meals together and hanging out just as friends - he was fine with this.

Now I don't think there was anything wrong with that, but since coming back home, we have stayed in touch. We got on great and I feel like we could be really good friends. In fact, even though I don't know him long, I feel we are already good friends.

But this is where it becomes a grey area for me. I know friends who are married and they would not accept their other half making new friends of the opposite sex. I don't have many friends to be honest, there are not many people that I click with. I'm usually pretty quiet. So I don't want to give up on the friendship. I am pretty sure from his side it is innocent too - he is talking about coming to my city and bringing his wife with him so we can all meet.

But sometimes, he texts and says he misses me and I start to think what my OH would think if he saw that. I miss him too, as like I said I don't have many other friends where I live to talk to. But I feel guilty for having those feelings and even for receiving texts from him where he is talking like that to me. I mean, how would his wife feel? He is American and is extremely open with his feelings, which I am just not used to.

I don't know what to do....is it unacceptable for married people to become friends with the opposite sex. If he was a female, then I would not feel guilty about missing her right. I do have male friends already but I have known them since before I met my husband.

Im just so confused. Any advice?

StickyIcky

Hmm its a hard one. I would explain to him that cultural differences mean that saying something normal and fine to him might not be normal or fine to us. I wouldn't say I miss you to a girl unless we were family or really good old friends with zero attraction at all. I miss you coulkd easily be misconstrued. Culturally in India boys and men can hold hands and call each other dear. Over here that would be seen as queer. So don't be afraid to point out differences in culture and what's fine by you and what isn't. If anything feels weird or uncomfortable or wrong or like it might hurt someone either talk about it or back off and make space and be unavailable. Good luck . PS sorry spelling is hard on this tablet I'm using

bp

If course it is ok as all as it is only friendship. I have many male friends (was in the wedding party of one and his wife was fine with it too). All men don't want sex with every woman they meet nor do all women! Friendship is just that - friendship!
Ps I would tell my male friends abroad I miss them etc but then again my hubby knows I would never cheat and knows my male friends well.

Cork selfbuild

People need friendships, both male and female. What I see here in Ireland is when in relationships, men mainly have male friends and women have mainly female friends, it seems there is like an unspoken boundary here, in general terms, that if a male has a good female friends women get suspiscous and vica versa, where in the US this is not the case, as StickyIcky said above the difference is a cultural one.

Both my OH and myself have good male and female friends each, and what's wrong with that? Just because you have a friend of the opposite sex doesn't mean you are going to sleep with them the first chance you get, we are both very open about our friendships and it's not an issue... Everything boils down to trust, once trust is there and everyone concerned is open and honest then there will never be an issue!

I would say to your new friend that in Ireland saying something like he misses you, people would see that differently, but there's the issue, ya I miss friends and what's wrong with that? But I know the Americans are way more open with feelings and saying them aloud, but missing you after one few days of chatting, is a tad strange (from our point of view without thinking more into it!!) You first need to get to the bottom of his feelings and see what exactly he is meaning just to be sure!

But ya, friends are exactly that, friends, male or female, and I do not see the problem once there is trust and honesty.

jdsk2006

Oh i could bang my head off the wall after reading your post. How could he matter to you so much after such a brief encounter? Why would he "miss" you?

Something is WAY OFF here imo and i think you know it.

Ever hear of pandoras box?

StickyIcky

Agree with jdsk here. Definitely sounds like they both meet out of town, got on really well, had a lovely meal, spent the evening talking etc and now he misses her and she feels like that's not 100% okay that he's saying that. Hence why I said tell him it's not acceptable because you feel like it's not right and your husband will pick up on that **** believe me, or run for the hills and tell him you're busy.

You could use the subtle and tactful approach of 'no one in Ireland would tell someone they just met they miss them, it's just not the done thing to do. Probably we aren't as open as the American culturally but it wouldn't be taken well if people heard you saying that' If he carries on despite your telling him then I'd say well he doesn't appreciate my concerns and I'd make myself unavailable to him.

December2012

I have friends that I'm super cl

December2012

Miss you?

That's not on. And not something you would say to a friend.

Your instinct is reacting here appropriately.

speedy2007

Hey thanks everyone for the replies.

jdsk2006 wrote: »

How could he matter to you so much after such a brief encounter? Why would he "miss" you?

I don't make friends easy and don't have a lot, so I didn't want to just throw away this opportunity. That said, he is coming on a bit strong...he texts everyday and now he wants to phone me. On the other hand, he sends me pics of him and his wife...so yeah I don't know. When he rings me, I plan to tell him that I'm getting a little uncomfortable with this level of attention

jdsk2006

Just delete his number and move on. Your uncomfortable cos its ALL wrong.

Very few of us have more than one or two very close friends so don't allow him into your life on that merit alone.