Did I do the right thing?

LegacyUser

Hi,
I fell out with a friend a while ago. It might be worth saying now that years ago we dated, as that may have played a role in our falling out.

In short, I was going through a really hard time for a long period due to extraneous family issues and work. Things spiralled and the proverbial hit the fan, I was in a bad way due to stress and it showed as I developed anxiety and panic attacks.

I'm not one for sharing personal problems, so this friend was one of very few people who knew the situation. We had not seen each other for a time, but had talked in-between and arranged to meet up. Last moment they cancelled without an apology or explanation. I said okay fine thinking something really important must have cropped up and asked what was up.

Turns out, the person they had recently started dating (they had already told me this) was not free to meet up for another few days and it would be odd to prioritise an ex over a new partner, so asked to meet up with me the following week.

I flipped, and told them to f'off and shove it. I was very angry and upset, feeling betrayed as I was really in the pits and a bad way, not to mention having no free time to reschedule and at no point was there an apology. I felt we had moved past the "ex" thing and were friends, and I was a friend in real trouble, so this was unforgivable.

Some time on, looking back on it I wonder if I did the right thing or was that the straw that broke the camel's back and I lashed out at them?

I certainly feel how they handled it was wrong, but I wonder if they really understood how bad things had gotten as I tend to underplay things and maybe they were right, it would be odd to prioritize going for a pint with an ex over a new partner?

We have not talked since and they made no effort to contact me again, so perhaps that says something as well (although I did tell them impolitely to shove it).

Thanks for reading,

Did you do the right thing? Well I don't think there really was a right or wrong thing to do in your situation.

Without knowing your situation I can't say whether or not your actions were understandable, but from what you've said here, your friend certainly didn't deserve your reaction. You told them where to go, so obviously you didn't hear from them afterwards.

You said you flipped, you were angry and upset, surely if anyone's going to try to mend bridges it should be you?

beks101

Think about this long and hard - is the friendship worth saving? Would you regret years down the line that you essentially terminated the friendship as a result of one incident, without discussion or debate and without giving this person a chance to respond?

I feel, from reading your post, that you're already feeling the creep of regret for lashing out - you need to consider if this is something you can let go of and move on, or if you'll always be looking back and wondering who was in the wrong / did you throw a good friendship away for no good reason.

People can advise you any way, but this really is a personal thing you have to decide for yourself.

Mikros

opopopop wrote: »

I certainly feel how they handled it was wrong, but I wonder if they really understood how bad things had gotten as I tend to underplay things and maybe they were right, it would be odd to prioritize going for a pint with an ex over a new partner?

You said you hadn't seen this friend for a while, so it seems plausible that they were not aware of how bad your situation was, especially if you are the type to underplay things. Maybe they assumed this was just a normal catch up and in that case rescheduling because of a new date seems reasonable. Granted they could have given you more notice, but at the early stages of meeting someone new, people try and show the other person is important if they are hoping for it to develop - more so when it comes to ex'es.

Your reaction in that case seems well in excess from their point of view and I wouldn't be surprised they have not made contact again. Might be you that needs to mend a few bridges and explain why you reacted the way you did.

Can only go on what you are saying yourself - only you know the exact details of the situation - but that's how I read it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, really appreciate them. I would certainly concede the way I told them to shove off was wrong, ugly and fueled by a lot of stress, dealings with other people and tiredness. It was probably the 1st time they had ever heard me really emotional, I was not just angry, but also very upset. I do really, really regret what I said.

However, I also still feel sore that when I really needed them, they weren't there. Which is the crux of it for me. They weren't responsible for the issues, and maybe it was wrong to lean on a friend that used to be an ex that was starting a new relationship, perhaps they misread the situation that day and made an honest mistake, but I was in real trouble and needed help (in the end I went to professional help as things were bad and was told I had ptsd from the issues).

Tldr, I regret it, but logically or illogically still feel hurt myself over it as well.