Mother brought a man into our home without consulting us?

LegacyUser

Hiya, my mother has had a boyfriend now for about 10 years or so. There is a lot of problems that could be discussed about this, but I would rather start with the first one.

Thing is, 10 years ago when I was only 10 and my little sister about 8 years old, my mother had to go to a wedding and managed to bring her friend at the time (now the boyfriend) as a plus one and he slept in the guest room. This was our first time ever meeting him. Alright, that was no bother with me or my sister, as he was only a male friend, and there was others times where her female friends would stay over after a night out and since he was from another county, I assumed we would not be seeing him again.

But after that he then started to come down more ofter at the weekends, like every second weekend, and stay in my mother's room. I can't really remember if she would have told us he was comng down for the weekend, but even if she did, I remember being so confused as to why he was coming down so often and why he was sleeping in my mother's bedroom with her. Even my mother's female friends did not visit that much. Not once did she actually say to us that they were going out,
and I actually had to confront her about it, and even then I remember she kept trying to change the subject until she finally came out with it and said that they were going out.

I know that this was years ago, but as you can tell from the first sentence, there as been problems with this for years with me and especially my sister (not anything serious like molestation though) so this is why I can still remember the confrontation I had with her.

But I just wanted to know, should she have done this, just bring in a man to her bedroom, that we only just got to know and not even tell us they were going out?

I was not expecting the typical family meeting or whatever, but I would think that if you were to start bring a guy into your house where there is two young children who barely knew the guy and were not used to the mother having a partner (our dad left years ago when we were only babies) and to the bedroom, surely you would consult your children about it?
I mean if I was to start bring a boyfriend home every second weekend and not even tell her we were going out, that would surely be weird for me to do to not even tell my mother, so why were my little sis and me not any different?
I mean we were kids, but not babies, so we surely knew that there was something going on.

Anyway was she right or wrong in doing this?

Big Bag of Chips

Maybe she should have sat down and told you she had met someone but she was under no obligation to ask your permission to bring him to the house.

She is the mother, the adult, you were kids. You don't and shouldn't get a say in her life. Who she goes out with is her business.

Unless this man is somehow a threat to you and your sister, then you don't get a say, I'm afraid.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Maybe she should have sat down and told you she had met someone but she was under no obligation to ask your permission to bring him to the house.

She is the mother, the adult, you were kids. You don't and shouldn't get a say in her life. Who she goes out with is her business.

Unless this man is somehow a threat to you and your sister, then you don't get a say, I'm afraid.

I am not saying she should have asked our permission or whatever, I am just saying that she should have just told us she is going out with him officially at least, instead of bringing him home every second weekend without letting us know what was happening. I mean you don't know how confusing and unsettling as a 10 year old and 8 year old it is to experience that and not being told anything. That and the fact when she is around him she is different, but in a bad way. That's why even though me and my sister are adults now we still can't accept the relationship.

jubella

My mam would have done something similar, though i was a couple of years older than you at the time.
At the time I was angry at her for it, but now I've grown up I realise it's her life - she kept us happy & safe and we were well cared for. She deserved to be happy too.

wirelessdude01

She is your mam, her house. She can do as she likes once she is happy it won't hurt you.

Idle Passerby

sad234 wrote: »

I am not saying she should have asked our permission or whatever, I am just saying that she should have just told us she is going out with him officially at least, instead of bringing him home every second weekend without letting us know what was happening. I mean you don't know how confusing and unsettling as a 10 year old and 8 year old it is to experience that and not being told anything. That and the fact when she is around him she is different, but in a bad way. That's why even though me and my sister are adults now we still can't accept the relationship.

A heads up about who the guy was and what the relationship status was would have been good but for whatever reason she didn't do this. Have you ever said any of this to her? It seems a very long period of time to be silently wondering who this man is thats been in your house every second weekend for the last 10 years!

I can see how it might be irritating to have him there without ever getting a formal introduction but I think now that you and your sister are both adults you need to accept that he is her partner. Have you ever tried to get to know him yourself?

Abigayle

sad234 wrote: »

I am not saying she should have asked our permission or whatever, I am just saying that she should have just told us she is going out with him officially at least, instead of bringing him home every second weekend without letting us know what was happening. I mean you don't know how confusing and unsettling as a 10 year old and 8 year old it is to experience that and not being told anything. That and the fact when she is around him she is different, but in a bad way. That's why even though me and my sister are adults now we still can't accept the relationship.

You're being a little cryptic about what the actual problem is with this guy, or in what way your mother changes. That may be a different story altogether.

However, for now I stand by what the others have said. She may have handled things badly in terms of letting you and your sister in on what was going on, but she's as entitled to a partner and happiness like any human being. Try to see it from her point of view, would you rather she was deprived of companionship and love from a man?

You said your father left when you were both babies, and it wasn't till you were 8 and 10 that this man arrived in the scene. Is it possible that you were just used to having her to yourself and it unsettled you? Having to share her attention?

freshpopcorn

There are very few families who have the perfect family. If everybody sat down and looked back at their childhood they could find mistakes that their parents made.
They are plenty of reasons why your mam mightn't have wanted to introduce the man to you when you were ten. She probably thought she was doing her best for you.

LegacyUser

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

She is your mam, her house. She can do as she likes once she is happy it won't hurt you.

Believe me it has hurt us. Nothing horrible, like physical violence. But it is these sly things that she does that is quite upsetting even after all this time. When he is around, she acts really fake around him and wants to impress him, as if she was a love-struck teenager. I would have understood and forgotton about it if it was during the start during that whole "honeymoon" period where you meet someone new because you would want to impress them then, but it still goes on even now, and it is really beginning to get to me and my sister, because she sometimes puts us down in front of him to show off or causes a bit of drama. I know also that it is not us who thinks like this, I have three older siblings who were adults when they first got together and even they did not agree with the whole weekend thing. But at least they were out of the house though then, they did not have to put up with what me and my sister had to.


Also before anyone else jumps down my throat, I do want my mother to be happy a partner, I mean I would want her to do the same for me if I ever got a boyfriend. But I don't agree with it if you are just going to act like a totally different person and hurt your own family members in the process.

IrishEyes19

I completely agree with you, OP! I'm not going to jump on this bandwagon of "independence and its your life, your choice" joke, you were two kids under the age of 11, bringing a stranger into your lives was completely inappropriate without telling you properly especially if you noticed he was staying in your mother's bedroom. I also think there's a huge habit in this society for parents to prioritise on their partner and forget they have biological children, they allow the new partner to slight and correct the children and I truly believe they have absolutely no right to do so.

maybe sit down and talk to your mother. now having said all that. Im think your mother may have been lonely and its not easy raising two kids alone. But at the same time, its must be terrible to see your mother preoccupied moreso with a stranger in your eyes, than with you anymore.

freshpopcorn

Just out of interest op, did this man have much to do with as a kid or was he just their with your mam?
When your mam started the relationship it might just have being a bit of fun for her and she didn't want anything serious. She mightn't have wanted to introduce the man into ye're lives to much encase ye got to attached and the relationship failed.
Also your mother might have had sexual needs, she was probably doing her best to raise you and your sister and at the weekend she mightn't have being able to afford a baby sitter so inviting him over might have being her only option.
To deal with your current situation, your mother can do whatever she wants in her own home/act whatever way she wants. If your not happy with your current situation you can move out of home.

Topper7

Op I had similar situation myself except I was raised by my father. I was youngest sibling around 8 when they started going out. I wasn't happy at the time, nor for a long time after. but now I have 2 younger siblings & my dad has somebody to share his life with & grow old etc. I'm 25 now & myself & older siblings have all moved away so if my dad hadn't done that all those years ago he would be on his own now. It gets easier to see the bigger picture over time. Hope you get it worked out

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

In what way does she hurt you or run you down? Whats your relationship like with this man? If she is purposely being horrible to you, then your issue is with your mam, not her partner. I don't see anything wrong with her having a partner, she obviously did her best to raise you all on her own, and was single for years. You mentioned he slept in the guest bedroom at first? I'm guessing this was to ease the idea of him being around in gently. I fail to see what the issue is really with her partner? He actually hasn't done anything on you.

ManOfMystery

I fail to see what the issue is here also, unless you have other problems with this man which you haven't divulged here.

The fact is, you were 10 years old and your sister was 8. Your mother was the adult, you were the children. She was under no obligation whatsoever to seek your approval to bring any man into the house. Would it have been a courtesy? Perhaps, but again - she was under no obligation to do that either, and if I were in her shoes, I wouldn't have either. Adults make the decisions about the home, and assuming she was a responsible mother and a good mother, we'll have to believe that she had already assessed whether it was a good idea or not to bring this man into the home long before you or your sister ever encountered him. There are numerous reasons why she may have elected not to discuss it with you, and many of them are perfectly good reasons - some have already been suggested above.

From the limited information above, it really seems to me that you're over-thinking this, and looking at it from the point of view of your adult self and not your 10-yr old self.

The Corinthian

I remember, I was about 18 or 19, crashing out, in the spare room, at a mate's house. He had 2 younger brothers and his mother was separated from his father, for a few years.

In the middle of the night, I woke to hear some commotion on the landing as his mother finally got home and was stumbling up the stairs with a man. Eventually they made it into her bedroom and other than some muffled noises emanating from there, I was able to fall asleep again.

The next day, I spoke to my friend about it and he let loose his frustration on the subject. She'd been clubbing in Leeson street and he had no idea who the man was - a one-night-stand essentially. This kind of event had previously upset his younger brothers, but there was nothing he could do about it, other than leave home himself.

Bottom line is that in such situations it's the parents house, so it's the parent's rules. It's a system that makes sense most of the time.

Of course, parents are human, and thus inevitably flawed. The older you get the more you realise that they are just as daft as the rest of us and prone to make mistakes or be selfish. Most of the time, it's not an issue, because despite being flawed, parents will generally do far more good than bad, but in those cases where they do not, all we can do is grin and bare it, long enough to get ourselves and our siblings out from under their yoke.

In the case of the OP, I'd agree that his mother has been, at the very least, insensitive, if not behaving in a way that would be psychologically damaging to a child, but it's her house and her rules. There's nothing he can really do but grin and bare it, bide their time and not make things any worse.

LegacyUser

I am not SAYING that she had to seek our approval at the time, I am just saying it would have been respectful for me and my sister at the time if she just told us officially they were going out, rather than just bringing him into her bedroom every second weekend and just saying he was a "friend" coming to visit.
I was a kid but I was not stupid, i know something odd was going on. Also think about the fact that when I asked her myself what was going on, I had to drag it out of her at the end because she kept changing the subject, I mean if there was nothing wrong going on she should have been able to have been upfront with me straight away then.

Big Bag of Chips

sad234 wrote: »

I was a kid but I was not stupid, i know something odd was going on.

This is where your thinking is a bit askew. Nothing "odd" was going on. Your mam had a boyfriend. Your dad had left 6 or 7 years previously. She probably had had other boyfriends in that time, that you knew nothing about. Or this man might be the only man she was ever with after your dad. She may have been with him for a good number of months, even a year or 2 before finally bringing him to the house to meet you. She introduced him slowly as a friend first. He would never have been her "friend". When she brought him to that wedding he was already her boyfriend.

sad234 wrote: »

Also think about the fact that when I asked her myself what was going on, I had to drag it out of her at the end because she kept changing the subject, I mean if there was nothing wrong going on she should have been able to have been upfront with me straight away then.

So she made a mistake. Ever think she was embarrassed to talk to her children about her sex life? She was doing nothing "wrong" or "odd" like you seem hell bent on thinking. She was getting on with her life after your dad left by getting into a relationship with someone else.

Ok - she could have/should have sat you down and talked it through with you. But she didn't. She's not perfect - she's just your mother. Some people are very open with their kids and will discuss a lot with them. Some are less comfortable talking about their private life and hope that if they just get on with it, the kids will learn to accept that this new person is there.

Your mam did nothing wrong or odd by getting into a relationship with this man. From what you say, he was in the house every second weekend... that's not even all that frequent. Your language of "confronting" her about it and something "odd" and "wrong" going on is way off. The only thing that was possibly "wrong" or "odd" was that she didn't speak to you.. but then again, as already mentioned, maybe she felt awkward or embarrassed to talk about it with you (which if she kept changing the subject would seem to be true)

Edit: As a child it probably was a bit confusing, but surely now as an adult you can understand better and see it from your Mam's point of view.

LegacyUser

sad234 wrote: »

I am not SAYING that she had to seek our approval at the time, I am just saying it would have been respectful for me and my sister at the time if she just told us officially they were going out, rather than just bringing him into her bedroom every second weekend and just saying he was a "friend" coming to visit.
I was a kid but I was not stupid, i know something odd was going on. Also think about the fact that when I asked her myself what was going on, I had to drag it out of her at the end because she kept changing the subject, I mean if there was nothing wrong going on she should have been able to have been upfront with me straight away then.

So is this your only gripe with this relationship that's been going on for 10 years? You haven't given ONE example in all your replies of how your mother hurts you now, just vague descriptions like she runs me down. Is it maybe she says stuff about you that you may not like, but may not actually be insults. How exactly is she fake around him? If she's been this way around him for over 10 years, then maybe she is being herself, we all adjust to different relationships. Your mam isn't going to be the very same with you as she is with her partner, think about it, that would just be weird. I don't want to be too harsh on you OP as i'm guessing your quite young, but I think you might be a bit spoilt.

Blisterman

sad234 wrote: »

I am not saying she should have asked our permission or whatever, I am just saying that she should have just told us she is going out with him officially at least, instead of bringing him home every second weekend without letting us know what was happening. I mean you don't know how confusing and unsettling as a 10 year old and 8 year old it is to experience that and not being told anything. That and the fact when she is around him she is different, but in a bad way. That's why even though me and my sister are adults now we still can't accept the relationship.

Your mother's an adult, and is entitled to a sexual relationship without having to justify it or explain it to anyone. Even her kids. Plus she may not have been sure herself what she wanted or what the situation with the guy was. Plenty of

It sounds to me reading your posts, though, that there's really a bigger problem in your relationship that you're not mentioning, and that this isn't really about bringing this guy back.

Stavro Mueller

I'm not sure what your mum did that deserves this anger. Her handling of the introduction of him to you was a bit cack-handed but she could've been far worse. From what I can see, you weren't subjected to a parade of short-lived boyfriends or to one night stands. Maybe your mum was seeing the introduction through adult eyes and thought that the penny would drop with you without having to spell it out?

It's interesting that the only boyfriend you seem to have met is this guy. Perhaps your mum had dated other men before this one and didn't have you meet them because she was protecting you. She eased this guy into the household. Sooner or later the official jump from the spare room to the bedroom had to happen and I don't think there was ever going to be a good time in your books.

Would it be unfair to suggest that no matter who your mum's boyfriend was, you were always going to resent him? Without knowing more about her boyfriend, I feel sorry for the guy. It must be tough for him to be seeing your mum for 10 years but to be resented by her family. Are you really refusing to accept this relationship because of how she behaved all those years ago and because you don't like how she's acting now?

Like it or not you have no say in who your mum's dating. Nor should you have. It'd be better of course if you did have some sort of relationship with this man but something tells me it's somewhere between fraught and non-existent. If after 10 years you still have all these issues I don't see things improving. You're getting to an age where you can move out of home and perhaps it'd be the best solution for all involved? If he has stuck it out for 10 years then chances are he's in it for the long haul. It's not clever to burn your bridges if it can be avoided.

ah here op, give your mam a break!!!!

jesus you were 10 and your sibling was 8, did you really expect her to turn around to ye at the time and say, listen lads, this guy i might bring home now and again over the next few weeks may or may not become my boyfriend!!!!!!

seriously, she obviously waited until it was serious between her and this guy and then ye were introduced to him.
i fail to see a problem??

its not your business what she was doing when you where 10!
get over it and try to make an effort, surely you would be delighted to see your mam happy?
i would be delighted to see my mam happy with a guy!

username123

She was probably trying to protect you and not asserting that he was a boyfriend in case you were upset over it and afraid he would steal your mother from you or something. Instead she just let things happen organically with no great 'this is my boyfriend' announcement. Some people do not like to go into the details of their private lives, especially within their family. It may not have felt appropriate for her to discuss it with you at all.

Now you are an adult, and this relationship is ten years old and you still resent it. I feel bad for your mother, she has no doubt tried to do her best for you and your siblings over the years and now is resented for having the cheek to have a relationship herself.

I agree with the poster who said your language is way off. You are the one with the problem here, not your mother. You need to resolve this within yourself.

Paddy Cow

sad234 wrote: »

I am not SAYING that she had to seek our approval at the time, I am just saying it would have been respectful for me and my sister at the time if she just told us officially they were going out, rather than just bringing him into her bedroom every second weekend and just saying he was a "friend" coming to visit.
I was a kid but I was not stupid, i know something odd was going on. Also think about the fact that when I asked her myself what was going on, I had to drag it out of her at the end because she kept changing the subject, I mean if there was nothing wrong going on she should have been able to have been upfront with me straight away then.

I completely agree with you op. A ten year old does not have the emotional skills of an adult and seeing as how it was you, your sister and mother for so long, introducing a male figure into the house should have been handled a lot better. I was about the same age as you when my mother started dating a man (my father died) and he was introduced to us slowly. At first he was Mum's friend, then her boyfriend and then her husband. We were given enough time to get used to him which meant that there was no resentment.

Of course your mother as an adult was entitled to date and fulfill her own needs but as a mother she should also have looked out for you guys more. I reckon if a woman started a thread in the parenting forum and her op was along the lines of

"I have been a single mother since the father of my two kids, now 10 and 8, walked out when they were young. Recently I let a guy I am dating stay in the guest bedroom. The kids were fine with it as they thought he was just a friend (other friends have stayed in the guest bedroom before). Now we are officially going out and he stays in my bedroom every other weekend. I never sat the kids down and told them what was happening. My 10 year old confronted me about it and I brushed them off as I am the adult and I don't need their permission to bring people into my house. Why does my 10 year old have such a bad attitude and why can't they just be happy for me?".

she wouldn't be told that it's her house and she can do whatever she wants without considering how such a change would impact the lives of you and your sister and both of you need to accept her decision without question. I imagine the more polite responses would be along the lines of "your children are confused and need reassurance about who this man is" and the more upfront responses would tell her to cop on, sit you both down and explain the change in circumstances.

Personally I think that having a man sleep over regularly without letting ye know beforehand was a pretty selfish thing to do and I can understand you being upset with it. The problem is that over ten years later you still feel resentful about it, which isn't healthy for you. Somehow you are going to have to accept that while your mother didn't handle the situation well, this man isn't going anywhere. What is probably hurting is that you feel she "chose" him over you. Going by your posts, you are never going to get an explanation or apology from your mother, which is what you seem to need to move on.

They say that children are resilient and adapt to situations but I'm not a subscriber to this theory. A lot of adults who need counselling are surprised to find that their issues stem from unresolved childhood emotional issues which they have forgotton about. You have the awareness to know what is bothering you. If you cannot find a way to let go of it on your own, I would suggest talking to a CBT counsellor. It is easy for bystanders to say it's been ten years, let it go, grow up etc but your feelings are real and valid and you cannot just flick a switch in your head and make yourself feel better. You know your mother isn't going to change and there is no shame in getting a bit of help to help you come to terms with this.

Paddy Cow

bubblypop wrote: »

ah here op, give your mam a break!!!!

jesus you were 10 and your sibling was 8, did you really expect her to turn around to ye at the time and say, listen lads, this guy i might bring home now and again over the next few weeks may or may not become my boyfriend!!!!!!

seriously, she obviously waited until it was serious between her and this guy and then ye were introduced to him.
i fail to see a problem??

its not your business what she was doing when you where 10!
get over it and try to make an effort, surely you would be delighted to see your mam happy?
i would be delighted to see my mam happy with a guy!

I am really shocked by this attitude. Like it or not, when you become a parent your actions impact your children. If you are dating someone and are not sure if it is going to work out but you still want the casual sex, then get someone to babysit the kids while you go round to his. What they don't know can't hurt them and if you decide to be a long term couple, you can introduce the kids slowly.

Like you say, the kids were 10 and 8. At that age they are not only relying on their mother for practical support such as food, a place to live etc but their emotional needs are also tied up with hers. A 10 year old might have figured out the mechanics of sex but won't understand the emotional aspects of it.

No adult likes to think of their parents having sex but we accept it's a healthy part of life and we want to see our parents happy. We are happy for them when they find a partner and don't think about the sex aspect. What 10 year old truly understands the dynamics of adult relationships, the importance of sex and is able to put aside their own feelings?

Can you honestly say that at ten years of age if you found a strange man in your mother's bed your first reaction would be to be happy for her?

Big Bag of Chips

Paddy Cow, I understand you have your opinion and advice to offer to the OP here, but please remember to direct your replies to the OP, and not at other posters. Your last post is considered off topic, as it is not offering advice or opinion to the OP, and is just likely to drag the thread off topic and into a debate with another poster.

freshpopcorn

Paddy Cow wrote: »

I am really shocked by this attitude. Like it or not, when you become a parent your actions impact your children. If you are dating someone and are not sure if it is going to work out but you still want the casual sex, then get someone to babysit the kids while you go round to his. What they don't know can't hurt them and if you decide to be a long term couple, you can introduce the kids slowly.

Not everyone can afford a babysitter.
The OP doesn't explain the full story really about the man and we don't know what his circumstances are either.
So, it hard to comments on other ways the relationship could have developed.

Big Bag of Chips

freshpopcorn, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you posted at the same time I posted the warning about offering advice to the OP and not dragging the thread into general debate/discussion.

All replies from this point forward should keep the Forum Charter in mind, and offer mature, constructive and civil advice to the OP. Any further breaches will result in mod action.

Paddy Cow

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Paddy Cow, I understand you have your opinion and advice to offer to the OP here, but please remember to direct your replies to the OP, and not at other posters. Your last post is considered off topic, as it is not offering advice or opinion to the OP, and is just likely to drag the thread off topic and into a debate with another poster.

After re-reading my post I agree and apologise to bubblypop. This is an advice forum and you gave yours, which is just as valid as mine. Given the sensitive nature of the topic, I retract my last question, which was reactionary and out of line.

Just to make it clear, my advice to OP is as follows:

At ten years of age you are dependant on your mother for all your financial and emotional needs. If a change occurs in circumstances, then your mother should do her best to let you know of these changes. If your circumstances change and your mother won't acknowledge this, then it is understandable as a child you will feel confused/resentful.

By twenty + years of age, you are considered an adult and if you are harbouring resentment, then you have to look to yourself and ask yourself some hard questions. Are you being unreasonabe? Have you tried to talk to the person and met a dead end? If you are still confused then maybe a CBT counsellor could help you work through your issues.

For what it's worth op, I don't think a ten year old understands the dynamics of an adult relationship and should not be expected to.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, Paddy Cow does make a very valid point. If your mother, or another woman was posting here about her new relationship and her kids they advice would undoubtedly be "Sit the kids down. Tell them. Reassure them"... Etc....

But your mother isn't posting looking for advice. Nor is a 10 year old child. Posters are responding to a 20 year old adult, who has trouble accepting a 10 year relationship for the sole reason that they were not specifically told. Even though, as you admit yourself, you "knew".. just that your mother never actually said the words to you.

Posters have said she could have handled it better... But she didn't.

I also agree with Paddy Cow, maybe it is time for you to look into counselling for yourself. You cannot change the past. You cannot change your mother's past behaviour, or control anything she may do in the future. But you can help yourself to accept it, or understand why you feel so upset and let down.

Pandora2

It has just occurred to me as I read down through the posts that your issues with your Mother at present seem to manifest when her partner is around, or at least that is what you say. Given that you are holding onto a 10 Year old 'slight', is it possible that you change when her partner is in situ? You say she changes and is critical of you in front of him. Is that possibly because you do not hide your resentment of him? You have not pointed to any one thing in particular he does that upsets you, it seems his very presence is enough!

Very shortly you and your sibling will fly the nest, as the 3 others have done, and then your Mother will have the comfort of companionship and now here's a thought, she may love him! Would you prefer she be alone as you head off out into the big World? My two are gone now and getting on with their lives, we are close and in touch, I am a very hands on Mother and Nan but, we by no means live in each others pockets! I won't hear from either of them this weekend, they are busy with their lives and myself and my Husband, who they adore are getting on with ours!

And that brings me to the biggest of your issues, they had never met him or known of his existence until we had already decided we were in it for the long haul and would marry! Chiefly because I would not have introduced them to any man who was not 'a keeper'!

My girls were seventeen and thirteen, both in touch with their Father. I did not ask their permission although I sought and eventually got their blessing, although not right away. The eldest, 17 at the time, had the 'talk' with him The first time we were all under the same roof was a week that Summer were we all stayed at his house. By late September we had all moved into a new house together! We are Years on and I can honestly say although we have had our ups and downs, we are a family. My daughter recently had a baby and when I went to the hospital to visit my other half said he would wait outside as he did not want to intrude, my daughter is an intensely private person as is her partner, she immediately asked me where he was and made me phone him to come in and meet his granddaughter!

I had no idea what I was doing when I introduced him to my girls. Very few I could ask for advice, I am sure I made horrendous mistakes...they were living with him within 5 months of learning of his existence but...it all worked out. But I put most of that down to my daughters being accepting of the relationship in principle and my having made sure his character was able for taking on 3 females in one foul swoop. It would appear that your Mum's partner is a keeper, 10 Years is a long time for him to cope with your resentment.

I would agree that you would benefit from counselling as it seems you are just unable to accept that your Mum made a life for herself, a situation that will ultimately benefit you when you do not have the time to worry if she is OK, or lonely or just in need of comfort from another human being.

SusieBlue

In all honestly, I think the way your mother dealt with it was pretty good, and I would probably do the same if I was in her situation.

He was probably already her boyfriend when he started having sleepovers in the spare room, and you and your sister were able to become comfortable around him as your mams friend, not the man taking away your attention or the man replacing your dad.

You were only 10 and 8. Definitely too young to be having that sort of mature conversation with. In fairness, she probably should have confirmed your suspicions when you asked, but as others have pointed out, maybe she was embarrassed.

Would you prefer if she one day brought him home and said "Kids, this is my new boyfriend and he'll be moving in with us". At least she gave ye the chance to get to know him before anything permanent happened, at least there was a bit of stability with him staying over before you discovered he was actually her boyfriend.

I think there are deeper issues at play if you are still resentful of a decision made 10 years ago with your best interests at heart.

Yes, your mother deceived you, but parents lie to their children every day for their own protection. I don't think she lied out of malice, it sounds like it was more to do with awkwardness and embarrassment.

Give your mam a break. Everyone deserves companionship.

clairefontaine

Noone likes to be confronted with their parents' sexuality. EWWWWW and double EWWWWWWWW when you are ten.

No she should not have consulted you. She should have done a better job at hiding it.

Until you got to know him a bit better. First impressions and all that.

You are probably more impacted by the EWWWWW yuck response that has stayed with you, like a bad aftertaste, but you will just have to get past it. It was a long time ago, let it slide.

sligoface

Op i understand how you feel a wee bit. I felt weird about the first guy my mother dated when i was a teenager and had the same feeling when forced to spend holidays (the only time i visit) with the last one she dated when i was in my late 20's. Mostly it was because i thought the guys were no good for her, after divorcing my scumbag father i found it frustrating that she could not avoid making another horrible choice of mate. It was a big reason i moved out when as soon as i was able, at 19, and stayed out.

The reality is that even a really lovely guy is going to have a hard time getting children from another marriage to embrace him as the new 'man of the house' especially when they are, or are soon to be, adolescents/teenagers. And if the guy is not really lovely, the kids will not be happy at all with their mother forcing them to live with and respect this person who is not their father and in their eyes is just there because he wants a sexual relationship with their mother.

Unfortunately this is a byproduct of divorce, and the damage it does to children. It doesnt usually end up like the brady bunch. You will have to just accept that the situation was not what you preferred or were comfortable with and accept that vyuou have this resentment but balance that with the knowledge that most, if not all of us, have some family issues, even if we are not subjected to divorce or abuse or addictions at home or whatever the issue is. These issues, big or small, can make you feel some very negative emotions at times, but it does not need to overwhelm your adult life and make you angry or miserable forever.

We all wanted our mommies and daddies to be nice to eachother and be happy and stay together but for many of us, it just didn't happen, because parents are people and as such, are not perfect. When people become adults they still remain very capable of making mistakes, acting selfishly, etc. and unfortunately, when they do it affects their children even if they don't mean to or are not aware of it. You might not be ready to accept that fully yet, but if not, don't worry, you will eventually, but it might not be until you yourself has gone and made your own mistakes and had things not go quite according to plan. A much better scenario is if you can accept it now and move on, and instead of having this baggage from the past, you can use the past as a motivating factor for you when it comes to forming healthy relationships in your life as you continue through your own adulthood. Easier said than done in some cases, but you can do this if you choose.

A book called 'they f@#&k you up' might be of interest to you btw. Good luck.

WellThen?

Cut your Mam some slack, raising kids on her own she is entitled to her own happiness. And at the age you were it really was none of your business.

sligoface

WellThen? wrote: »

Cut your Mam some slack, raising kids on her own she is entitled to her own happiness. And at the age you were it really was none of your business.

First sentence is very true. Second sentence is utterly ridiculous. A man coming into your house and sleeping there or sleeping with your mother is a pretty big deal for children of any age. There isn't really a perfect way to handle the situation, it is an awkward one, but when you put a child through divorce you should be especially mindful not to add any more emotional distress to their lives and that should take precedence over your desire for a new relationship. Though with the logic you are using maybe you think that when her parents got divorced that it wasn't any of her business either?

It doesn't seem like the mother was overly concerned about how this man would relate to her children. She didn't necessarily need to ask permission but should have given the children the opportunity to form a bond with him before he moved in, and given herself a chance to judge whether or not he would be good for the whole family - not just her, before moving him in. To not do this is selfish and unwise.

Zen65

sad234 wrote: »

Anyway was she right or wrong in doing this?

It's not about right or wrong. She started a relationship with a man and it has lasted 10 years so far, and in the absence of any other evidence it seems she chose well. While you might not be thrilled about their relationship, it would be hard for you to deny that it has brought her happiness, wouldn't it?

If, alternatively, she had brought 10 different men to the house during those 10 years, you might have had some grounds for saying she was being reckless with the emotions of her children.

Of course, she could have handled it better, but that's not the same as being wrong. Many parents find out their teen / adult children have partners through some awkward experience, and while the parent might be a bit surprised, they usually get over it. Parents are well aware that their sons/daughters "act differently" when the partner is around, but they understand this is a part of the getting-to-know you phase and they don't resent it.

Your mother seems to have coped quite well with a horrible experience (her partner abandoning her and leaving her to mind the kids). Many poster here have started threads about how their mother turned to drink / drugs or became a recluse and overly dependent on their children. Your mother chose a healthier path, and you are very probably the better for it.

Except that you're not! You are still clinging to that childhood trauma of 10 years ago when your mother clumsily let you know that she had a new partner. You should have moved on, but for some reason you cannot. Your upset and resentment is destructive, both to you and to her, not to mention to her boyfriend. It seems that you are holding on to that resentment, looking here for validation for it, to allow you to hold onto it for longer?

So here's my advice: let it go! When (/if) you have kids you will experience hurt hundreds of times as a result of their words or actions, . . . it is a part of the parenting experience. Healthy parents let go of that hurt quickly, because to hold onto it denies them of the amazing love they can share with their kids. The adult children also will need to let go of the many things their parents did in the past which upset them, and then move on to allow it become an adult relationship and a true friendship. That can be a special, supportive relationship, which both parent and child can enjoy.

Try to take a step back and see this from her side. There was a gap in her life that her kids could not fill (naturally!). She found somebody who could fill that gap and still allow her to continue to be your parent, and even if she did not go about telling you that she was in a relationship in the best way possible, the reality is that the relationship supported her emotionally and allowed her to be your mum for the past 10 years. She may surely be aware of the resentment you are holding on to, and she almost certainly would wish it could leave. Perhaps she does not have the skills to have that conversation with you, but if you could both find it in yourselves to move on, to accept each other's hurt and put it behind you, as adults, then the years ahead could be years where you had a far healthier relationship with each other.

Be at peace,

Z

WellThen?

sligoface wrote: »

First sentence is very true. Second sentence is utterly ridiculous. A man coming into your house and sleeping there or sleeping with your mother is a pretty big deal for children of any age. There isn't really a perfect way to handle the situation, it is an awkward one, but when you put a child through divorce you should be especially mindful not to add any more emotional distress to their lives and that should take precedence over your desire for a new relationship. Though with the logic you are using maybe you think that when her parents got divorced that it wasn't any of her business either?

It doesn't seem like the mother was overly concerned about how this man would relate to her children. She didn't necessarily need to ask permission but should have given the children the opportunity to form a bond with him before he moved in, and given herself a chance to judge whether or not he would be good for the whole family - not just her, before moving him in. To not do this is selfish and unwise.

Sounds like the father left, divorce might not have been her fault, and how do you be "overly concerned" about a relationship of your own when children are involved? Not have a relationship until all children have left the house? OP was a child, this man was around at weekends.It wasn't a string of randomers... What did you want her to do? What if the father had stayed and arguments were taking place every night. Would that be more acceptable than the mother finding an amicable partner?

I'm with you on spending longer judging if this was the right move for the family as a whole, i do understand that, but how do you know she didn't.

As for my comment being "utterly ridiculous", i don't see it. OP was a child, she is the adult. What if the mother had a lodger staying, or a friend, or decided to move? At the age OP was i can't understand why the anger. Especially since it has been so long. Anyway it's terrible that this is still on OP's mind, and is still niggling. But that seems to be the only problem here.