Married but in love with colleague...not sure how I got here....

LegacyUser

Ok, I have been sitting here reading other threads about relationship advice and feel that maybe, just maybe someone out there can help me..... So here is my dilemma -

I am married and have been with my partner 13 years. We have two kids and have been trying for number 3 for a few months. He is an amazing partner and father - and I don't mean that in a condescending way but its true. The only small issue we have between is his use of weed but that's another days story.

Problem is - I have been working with a guy for 5 years now. We are both the only full time workers in our place of work so often spend a lot of time in the office just the two of us. We get on brilliantely. He is married to a very lovely, intelligent woman. But recently, about 3 months ago, I have realised that I have developed very deep feelings for him - is it love? I cant tell but feels like it....

I DO NOT want to initiate anything, I DO NOT want any sort of affair to happen but I cannot stop thinking about him - sexually and fantasising about a life together....I have also started dreaming about him which isn't good....

I am in my early 30's and have chosen my path in life - I love my children, I love my husband. We have a good thing going......So how does this just happen? I am really frustrated at the moment. I cannot leave my job - I am the main bread winner. I don't want to leave my job because I really enjoy it. So how do I stop these feelings, put them aside and carry on working with him?

I am afraid that someday I am just going to jump on him without realising it! I know that sounds stupid but I have felt that way.......any advice would be greatly appreciated, especially from anyone who has been in this situation and gotten over it...........cheers.

Shivers26

You need to do something to shake things up and reconnect with your husband. could you try some new shared interest?

Do not go down this road, you are just having a crush on this other guy. Take a look at all the good in your life, remind yourself what you love about your husband, give your relationship a romance injection.

My husband just upped and left me for someone else. We got on great, had loads of intimacy and affection, rarely fought but his head was turned and it was just bye bye marriage. It's very hard to undo once it has been done.

im confused again

Shivers26 wrote: »

You need to do something to shake things up and reconnect with your husband. could you try some new shared interest?

Do not go down this road, you are just having a crush on this other guy. Take a look at all the good in your life, remind yourself what you love about your husband, give your relationship a romance injection.

My husband just upped and left me for someone else. We got on great, had loads of intimacy and affection, rarely fought but his head was turned and it was just bye bye marriage. It's very hard to undo once it has been done.

Good advice this. Don't do anything with your colleague, try to work on your marriage. Have some alone time with your husband, go on dates, reconnect. It will take a big effort but it will be well worth it. The pain and suffering a fling can cause is huge and irreversible. It's not worth it, I was a man like your husband, I treated my wife really we, gave her almost everything she wanted and the thanks I got was for her to have an affair. Our relationship never recovered and my life and the lives of my kids changed forever. I'm ok now, I've met somebody new and have an amazing relationship but the kids will be forever more affected. Work on your marriage, if it works it works and great, and if it doesn't then too bad, you may have to go your separate ways, but never, never have an affair!!!
If you can't trust yourself then perhaps you should change jobs. Keep looking and something will come up.

Czarcasm

You're working in close proximity to each other OP for the last five years, something was bound to develop eventually, but the fact you're very specific about the time frame and the fact you mention his wife has me wondering, well, I may be well off base here but I'll throw it out there anyway and you can tell me I'm completely wrong -

You're trying for another child with your weed smoking husband while your colleague in work has the perfect life with his perfect wife and you're envious of that. I'm wondering are you so envious of his wife (your admiration is borderline putting the woman on a pedestal!) that she has what you see as this great guy, while you have, well, affectionate weed smoking husband that doesn't excite you the way you feel he could if he'd stop smoking weed.

You need to start being real with yourself OP. Rather than get yourself into a right mess where you might end up pregnant while having an affair, it's probably best if you cool your heels a small bit on all fronts - Talk to your husband, find out where you both got lost and how you can both work on your marriage together before you even consider having another child, and realise that your co-worker as nice and all as he is, is not worth throwing away your marriage and your career for a five minute fumble between the sheets.

Merkin

In love? Really? Sounds to me like you have a crush which can be common enough. It's up to you then whether you actually choose to act on it and you obviously don't want to.

Think of all the unhappiness you would cause to so many people if you were to get together with this guy, not to mention one of you most probably having to leave your job as well. I know choosing your head over heart is easy advice to give but it really is that simple. It all boils down to what you decide.

You're obviously lacking something in your current relationship (and if your husband's pot smoking really effects you then you should address that or maybe it is being the main breadwinner?) and you should concentrate on that right now as opposed to being infatuated with your work colleague. Work on those issues and work on reigniting some spark back into your marriage. Can someone take the kids for the weekend so you and he can go away (just the two of you) and reconnect? Anything worth having takes work, and that includes marriage.

Also, if it's just a crush that you are resolutely not going to act on then I wouldn't beat yourself up over it too much. It happens.

KKkitty

Talk your husband first about his weed habit. No relationship is perfect and you only really know your colleague through a work environment. You work in close proximity and maybe if you can you could ask to be moved to another department. This work colleague could be a totally different person outside of the office for all you know. See if your husband would consider marriage counselling or maybe get away for a weekend.

CaraMay

You really need to stop trying for snother baby until you sort this out. Imagine if your husband knew about this? You can be sure he would not be thinking about having more kids with you if he did.

It's not fair to pretend all is ok to get pregnant. It's being very selfish

LegacyUser

hmmm, a tad harsh there caramay but I suppose by putting this out there, I was opening myself to all sorts of comments. I dont think trying for another baby is selfish - its what we both want. As I said in my op, I DO NOT want anything to happen - thats why I am looking for advice. And thanks to those who have given it. I think the word 'crush' sums it up.....

The weed smoking has been there since day one with my husband so its not a new thing. He is what I would call a 'very functioning addict'.......

Also, I dont think I am envious of his life with his wife though......I never thought about it that way....

I suppose I need to just get my head out of the clouds and start living in the real world.......first world problems and all that......

desertcircus

OP: it's important to remember that you're not in love with your coworker. You're in love with a very particular image you have of him, which is entirely understandable. Coworkers spend huge amounts of time together with very few of the stresses and problems that face a couple - you don't know his financial situation, his sexual kinks, the bad habits he has at home that would drive you to psychosis in a week. Instead you spend eight hours a day in the trenches together, chatting about interesting stuff every chance you get (no need for a discussion about the broken radiator in the spare room) and building up an intense camaraderie. What you need to do is remember that this isn't real; this is not an accurate reflection of how life would be if you were with him.

There's a whole cultural concept of "work wives" that's based around this, and if there's a spark of attraction, it's easy to develop those feelings. Just try to remember that what's between you now exists purely because there are no real stresses between the two of you, and that all this would change drastically if you did end up with him.

CaraMay

It's not harsh. Why are you having kids with one man when you claim to be in love with another? Seriously can you explain that?

If it was a man on here doing that he would be eaten alive

LegacyUser

You have a crush. That's all. I know it feels like you're in love, but crushes can be really strong and can surprise you. It happened to me and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I decided to pull back and put some distance between us, and it faded, and I now see it for what it was. You won't feel like keeping your distance but you must. Every day I thank my lucky stars that I never acted on it. It's never been better with OH and I and I'm a lot wiser from the experience!

Sleepy

Guestfortoday wrote: »

So how do I stop these feelings, put them aside and carry on working with him?

I am afraid that someday I am just going to jump on him without realising it! I know that sounds stupid but I have felt that way.......any advice would be greatly appreciated, especially from anyone who has been in this situation and gotten over it...........cheers.

You take ownership of your actions and realise that if you jump on him you very definitely do realise what you're doing. No matter what it says in fiction people are more than capable of helping themselves and exercising self control. The "we couldn't help ourselves" bull**** is a lame attempt to justify what the speaker knows are unjustifiable actions.

If you can't put some distance between yourself and this colleague, you need to reduce the distance between yourself and your husband. Weed is a non-addictive substance and from the way you describe his use of it, he seems to just have a preference for it over alcohol (the usual drug-of-choice in this country). Would it still be an issue for you if he was simply coming home and having a bottle of wine when the kids were in bed? The only difference is the legal status of the two drugs, well actually, there are plenty of other differences but the vast majority of them have alcohol coming off the worse by comparison.

Have you ever smoked it with him? Or are there other things you could explore together? Maybe a browse of lovehoney or a similar on-line store some evening could spark some new things to excite you both or, as others have mentioned, some new hobby?