Boyfriend is friends with ex, but I think she's looking for more?

LegacyUser

Since I started seeing my OH about three years ago, I knew he was still friends with one ex (we were friends before we started seeing each other).

Recently, I had to send some pictures to my sister that was on my partner's phone. I asked him first, obviously. Went into Facebook Messenger to send them, but his last chat opened and it was her. I should have closed it straight away, but the message she sent "I hope it works out, you are a great guy and any girl would be lucky to have you" stood out, followed by him saying "Same could be said about you hun " and her asking him about whether he wanted kids. He responded with "Yeah, I guess sometime" and that really irked me since we're currently TTC. Obviously he wouldn't tell her this, but I expected a bit more enthusiasm considering he suggested it.
My emotions got the better of me and I scrolled up to reveal they keep in regular touch, with either of them initiating the conversation over Facebook, and have very recently (within the past week) reminisced about things that happened while they were together. She asked about me, if we had set a date, how things were between us and if her and my OH were still going out when I had met him.

I haven't said anything yet, because I don't want to come across as a crazy yolk that's been spying on him, but this breaks my heart.
Am I over-reacting, or is he encouraging her increasing advances?

LegacyUser

Ah OP that was tough for you to read when you are ttc
It sounds like you are normally happy together? Do you think maybe he is just a really nice guy who maybe feels a little bit bad about cutting the Ex out of his life completely?
I say this because my OH just doesn't have it in him to be brutal with any Ex..and at times it has driven me crazy!
I personally cannot allow any Ex of mine to infringe on my relationship. I am just very protective of it. But my OH feels guilty when he blanks an Ex (and one in particular still tries to get his attention) but eventually I had to sit him down and very calmly and in as nice a way as possible explain that I want to be his number 1, and that by allowing miss-pain- in the butt to keep up the level of contact then I was starting to feel like Violin Number 2.
I made it clear I trusted him, and I told him that I think he is lovely to me..and I never said anything bad about the Ex.
I knew it was her trying to cause trouble..and no way was I going to walk into her little trap of accusing him of stuff.
Maybe talk to him in a calm fashion,but I really feel for you because it you are ttc and just that bit more vulnerable.

LegacyUser

thedreadedex wrote: »

Since I started seeing my OH about three years ago, I knew he was still friends with one ex (we were friends before we started seeing each other).

Recently, I had to send some pictures to my sister that was on my partner's phone. I asked him first, obviously. Went into Facebook Messenger to send them, but his last chat opened and it was her. I should have closed it straight away, but the message she sent "I hope it works out, you are a great guy and any girl would be lucky to have you" stood out, followed by him saying "Same could be said about you hun " and her asking him about whether he wanted kids. He responded with "Yeah, I guess sometime" and that really irked me since we're currently TTC. Obviously he wouldn't tell her this, but I expected a bit more enthusiasm considering he suggested it.
My emotions got the better of me and I scrolled up to reveal they keep in regular touch, with either of them initiating the conversation over Facebook, and have very recently (within the past week) reminisced about things that happened while they were together. She asked about me, if we had set a date, how things were between us and if her and my OH were still going out when I had met him.

I haven't said anything yet, because I don't want to come across as a crazy yolk that's been spying on him, but this breaks my heart.
Am I over-reacting, or is he encouraging her increasing advances?

hey sounds to me like he is enjoying the attention, and would not consider his ex in any shape or form for a second. Sure she may have her own agenda...but I have been in your OH's position before....and although I would not consider my ex for a second, I did enjoy the attention she was giving me, and assume she enjoyed it also. However, it was wrong of me to do that to both my ex and current gf. I would bring it up with him, if anything, communication is very important in a relationship. Also, I don't think u did anything wrong here

LegacyUser

thedreadedex wrote: »

Since I started seeing my OH about three years ago, I knew he was still friends with one ex (we were friends before we started seeing each other).

Recently, I had to send some pictures to my sister that was on my partner's phone. I asked him first, obviously. Went into Facebook Messenger to send them, but his last chat opened and it was her. I should have closed it straight away, but the message she sent "I hope it works out, you are a great guy and any girl would be lucky to have you" stood out, followed by him saying "Same could be said about you hun " and her asking him about whether he wanted kids. He responded with "Yeah, I guess sometime" and that really irked me since we're currently TTC. Obviously he wouldn't tell her this, but I expected a bit more enthusiasm considering he suggested it.
My emotions got the better of me and I scrolled up to reveal they keep in regular touch, with either of them initiating the conversation over Facebook, and have very recently (within the past week) reminisced about things that happened while they were together. She asked about me, if we had set a date, how things were between us and if her and my OH were still going out when I had met him.

I haven't said anything yet, because I don't want to come across as a crazy yolk that's been spying on him, but this breaks my heart.
Am I over-reacting, or is he encouraging her increasing advances?

Whether it was by accident or intention, I think as a long-term partner, you are entitled to know what he is doing on facebook or on his mobile. I do believe that people have the rights to be selfish and protect themselves - and voila, look what you've found?

I would first ask a couple questions - where does this girl stand in a relationship front? Is she in a serious committed relationship herself? If so, is she in the process of doing all these things ie living together and having kids and stuff?

I dont agree with what your partner did - i think he shouldn't talk about his extreme personal business with other people - especially if it's his ex gf. I think that is just borderline wrong. He must keep a distance from her if he wants to remain friends with her - which I think is impossible in my humble opinion!

I would suggest bringing this subject with him. Just tell him that you found the messages from the facebook messenger by accident and that you weren't happy with what was going on. I think it is better to open up about these things and confront him rather than killing yourself inside.

My thoughts are with you as I've been thru infidelity myself and I must say it is a real killer.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Normally we have a fantastic relationship. He's very good to me, we never argue, usually always talk out our feelings and he never has any problem being affectionate to me physically or emotionally, in private or in public.

I met his ex once, and did tell him shortly afterwards that I didn't like her attitude. He said he didn't understand, but when I pointed out that she changed the topic of conversation four times to something I knew absolutely nothing about and was clearly something they (along with one of my OHs friends) were in on, he saw my point. I felt that she was trying to exclude me.

She was also asking him about personal stuff going on within the family that she is aware of. That bothered me a tad too, because he's obviously talked to her about these things and they all occurred recently.

The reason it bothers me the most, is that he told me about something she did while they were seeing each other that honestly shocked me. I certainly wouldn't dream of maintaining any sort of friendship if someone did this to me, and without making it identifiable, people have went to prison for doing it before.

She knows what our house looks like, where my partner got a new job, how much money he makes and intimate details about his family that are current. I don't believe any of the above is her business, and I can't help but wonder if he isn't trying to impress her.

She was in a long-term relationship, but I believe she's recently become single which worries me even more.

LegacyUser

None of that sounds like he wants to stray. "Same could be said about you hun " looks a little flirty, but given it's in the context of talking about him having found someone else it's probably just being nice. Maybe she's still interested, but if you trust your bf then nothing is going to happen there.

thedreadedex

thedreadedex wrote: »

and her asking him about whether he wanted kids. He responded with "Yeah, I guess sometime" and that really irked me since we're currently TTC. Obviously he wouldn't tell her this, but I expected a bit more enthusiasm considering he suggested it.

To a nosy ex who would inevitably have follow up questions, this seems like the perfect response. It's none of her business that you're TTC, and tips, advice, or interrogation that might follow wouldn't be too pleasant for him, I'd say. I'd probably say the same.


Based on your second post, maybe you could bring it up again with him.

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

To a nosy ex who would inevitably have follow up questions, this seems like the perfect response. It's none of her business that you're TTC, and tips, advice, or interrogation that might follow wouldn't be too pleasant for him, I'd say. I'd probably say the same.


Based on your second post, maybe you could bring it up again with him.

I agree I'm going to have to bite the bullet and mention again that it makes me uncomfortable. It's just that he seems to volunteer other information very willingly, right down to problems we are having gathering documents for booking a wedding because I was born in the UK. That is no more her business than us TTC, but this is why I thought he was more so shrugging at the idea than trying to brush off her question without saying she was nosy.

I don't think he is planning to cheat, I just think he may be encouraging her nosiness and advances because he likes the attention. I've told him my opinion on friends with exs and that I don't believe (with the exception of long-time married couples or people with kids) a friendship can work - one person always wants more than the other. It's starting to seem to me, with questions about his work, earnings, family, his relationship with me and his plans for the future with regards to weddings and having kids, that she is trying to gauge the possibility of them getting back together. He either genuinely doesn't see it, or he is happy to encourage the attention.

alias06

thedreadedex wrote: »

I don't think he is planning to cheat, I just think he may be encouraging her nosiness and advances because he likes the attention. I've told him my opinion on friends with exs and that I don't believe (with the exception of long-time married couples or people with kids) a friendship can work - one person always wants more than the other. It's starting to seem to me, with questions about his work, earnings, family, his relationship with me and his plans for the future with regards to weddings and having kids, that she is trying to gauge the possibility of them getting back together. He either genuinely doesn't see it, or he is happy to encourage the attention.

Sounds like you know exactly what is going on. You need to tell your partner you want this to stop.

Big Bag of Chips

He had broken up with her and remained friends before you even started going out.

I am currently pregnant with our 4th child. This pregnancy has been planned since last Christmas. Throughout the year people had asked me would we have another, including my best friend of over 20 years and my mother. We told nobody we were planning another. Reason 1 - it's none of their business. Reason 2 - if we had trouble conceiving I didn't want to have people looking at me waiting to announce our news. In general, fellas tend to be less forthcoming with personal information. I don't see anything wrong with him giving her a non-committal answer about you having kids.

And all the other questions.... Are they not just topics friends usually discuss?

I think he is not telling you the extent of the contact (which to me, and even you, seems fairly harmless) because he is trying to spare your feelings. Same way as you haven't told him you are checking his phone/Facebook.

You've been with him for 3 years. He has been broken up with her for a lot longer. I think you are flattering him/yourself to think she is after him.

If they hadn't gone out in the past, would his friendship with her bother you as much?

beks101

I agree with the above. It sounds like a normal friendship to me. I can't see any evidence from what you've said that she wants more - or that he's talking to her in any other way than he would with a friend.

I don't agree that exes can never be friends and one "will always want more". I've maintained friendships with a couple of guys I dated because we realized that we simply worked better as friends and that's all there was to it. They're great guys, but we just didn't work romantically, and once I was over the heartbreak, I began to miss their friendship. I'm not pining after any of them or sending them casual messages on facebook with some sort of hidden agenda - we're just bantering as friends do.

Saying all that, you're not obliged to "like" the girl - the "boyfriend's ex" territory is always a minefield, it's hard to forge some sort of friendship with someone who was intimate with the man you love and you shouldn't feel guilty for feeling a bit sketchy about her. But you do have to respect the fact that they were friends before you got together and he's entitled to his social life just as you are - as long as it doesn't verge on the inappropriate - which I see no evidence of tbh.

meeeeh

I see absolutely nothing wrong in their communication. People can be friends with exes without any romantic feelings. Two of my friends used to date, always stayed friends, they are happily married and their partners are part of the same friend group. It is obvious you don't like your partner's ex so I'm not surprised he is not mentioning their communication to you.

Big Bag of Chips

On one hand you're annoyed that he didn't give her more information, or be more enthusiastic about you having children, and on the other hand you ARE annoyed that he is discussing things going on in his family.

I assume she knows his family members. Would have been friends with them when they were going out etc... So why not talk to her about them. He's hardly telling her things just for the sake of a gossip.

I'd be more annoyed if I found out my husband was telling his friend/ex private stuff about me to be honest! Sounds like he's respecting you by not telling her intimate details of your relationship. Preferring instead to talk in general about you and him and talking in more detail about his family.

LegacyUser

Telling her we can't book the date because I'm being given difficulty over my birth certificate is what I would consider personal. Telling her where we have moved to and how much he now earns in his new job is not something I think he should be telling her either. I wouldn't have an issue if they just talked about random things but she is offering to help him break up his sister and her boyfriend because of things she knows, and I don't believe it is anything short of rude to ask him if he wants babies. That's none of her business, but based on a few other things she asked, it seems like he doesnt want to mention me. Like making a joke to her that his whole life is being dragged around wedding faires and how stupid they are, even though he hasn't been to one.

I'd like to reiterate that she's his ex for a very good reason, and that her actions that resulted in him leaving would be enough for any man to put out a restraining order, not tell her that a guy would be lucky to have her.

It's her I'm concerned about, not my partner

LegacyUser

thedreadedex wrote: »

Telling her we can't book the date because I'm being given difficulty over my birth certificate is what I would consider personal. Telling her where we have moved to and how much he now earns in his new job is not something I think he should be telling her either. I wouldn't have an issue if they just talked about random things but she is offering to help him break up his sister and her boyfriend because of things she knows, and I don't believe it is anything short of rude to ask him if he wants babies. That's none of her business, but based on a few other things she asked, it seems like he doesnt want to mention me. Like making a joke to her that his whole life is being dragged around wedding faires and how stupid they are, even though he hasn't been to one.

I'd like to reiterate that she's his ex for a very good reason, and that her actions that resulted in him leaving would be enough for any man to put out a restraining order, not tell her that a guy would be lucky to have her.

It's her I'm concerned about, not my partner

I completely agree with you. I do think men and women can remain friends even after being married and breaking up but ONLY IF they can maintain that boundary.

He shouldn't be discussing his personal affairs with her - it is just so inappropriate considering she is his ex. Could he discuss it with his other female friends? Probably yes but only to the degree where it doesn't reveal your personal circumstances. That's just between the two of you couple.

And it seems like she is quite nosy about your and your partner's affairs from the sound of it, which is none of her business. She is enjoying being the uninvited guest and meddling in people's life. He doesn't have to know or hear what she thinks about any of this - it is irrelevant.

Also, not mentioning you during the conversation is also a bit bizarre - I can see that he is somewhat protecting you in that regard but I think it makes him sound like he is in this alone, not with you.

I don't understand why he feels the need to talk to this woman about all these things? Is she the only female friend he has? Does he have other male friends that he can trust and discuss his personal issues?

I think you need to just come clean and talk to him about this and address these issues.

I know it is hard but I would rather you have this talk before you have the baby and the wedding.

ShaShaBear

Anonjustcuz111 wrote: »

I completely agree with you. I do think men and women can remain friends even after being married and breaking up but ONLY IF they can maintain that boundary.

He shouldn't be discussing his personal affairs with her - it is just so inappropriate considering she is his ex. Could he discuss it with his other female friends? Probably yes but only to the degree where it doesn't reveal your personal circumstances. That's just between the two of you couple.

And it seems like she is quite nosy about your and your partner's affairs from the sound of it, which is none of her business. She is enjoying being the uninvited guest and meddling in people's life. He doesn't have to know or hear what she thinks about any of this - it is irrelevant.

Also, not mentioning you during the conversation is also a bit bizarre - I can see that he is somewhat protecting you in that regard but I think it makes him sound like he is in this alone, not with you.

I don't understand why he feels the need to talk to this woman about all these things? Is she the only female friend he has? Does he have other male friends that he can trust and discuss his personal issues?

I think you need to just come clean and talk to him about this and address these issues.

I know it is hard but I would rather you have this talk before you have the baby and the wedding.

I tried to test the water with him last night and we eventually got around to her. I asked him could we talk about her, told him straight out that I was jealous of their communication and I was worried there might still be something there. I didn't tell him what I saw.

He told me that the ship sailed long ago, she is no longer the girl he fell in love with, but he maintains amicability because she is from his home town, and is very good friends with a lot of his friends. I told him I didn't mind as long as he respected both my privacy and our privacy as a couple, and gave him some ground rules as to what I felt was inappropriate to discuss.

Long story short, he admitted to already discussing some of the things on my list, he apologised and said that the reason he said them was because he wanted to make her feel jealous - he wanted to feel like he was the one who got away. I told him it wasn't very fair on her, and it suggests that he has enough feelings for her to want them in return, but he assures me he doesn't. He said if I looked through their conversation history, every time there are about ten replies shared back and forward, and one of them is him boasting about how much better his life is without her. He said he tried to keep personal stuff between the two of us to a minimum because she would be likely to tell their mutual friends.

So thanks for the advice everyone, I'm happy I got an honest answer and I'll be doing everything in my power to avoid his phone in future :rolleyes: Hopefully he understands that in me bringing it up that I already know what he's said and that he'll watch his words more carefully - I dont want a scene from some scorned ex next time were out in his hometown - especially if she sees me towing a bump!