Going through courts for guardianship

LegacyUser

Hi folks,

Have been looking at posts here for a quite a considerable amount of time. Unfortunately, I will now have to go through the courts for guardianship of my daughter. I left my ex just after xmas as I was not happy. She wanted a 100e a week off me as maintenance and I agreed to this. She also agreed to meet me half way between my family home and hers when collecting my daughter from her. We both roughly travel 200 miles each week between picking and dropping off. I know this is a lot and I am grateful to her. I pick her up every Friday evening and drop her back Sunday evening. This has been done every week since the beginning of the year. I also contribute to various other things, like buying clothes, shoes,food, entertainment etc

I gave her the guardianship form over 2 months ago, but she will not sign it. Now I need to go to court in order to obtain this. I love my daughter very much and she is the number one priority in my life and always will be. I believe I will get guardianship, however, my question is this....Will a judge continue to let me and my little girl see each other every weekend?

My ex is out every weekend and I know she is loving the freedom, which she is entitled too. But my gut knows that if she gets a summons in her post box, she will start making threats, as she knows she has that power over me when it comes to our daughter. Only recently has she asked me to give her half the maintenance I pay in cash. If not, and her one parent family payment gets cut, she will be looking for money. WTF! She has that control over me, and I know I need to stand up to her. I am just afraid that a judge will change the access I currently have. All this has been stressing me out.

All thoughts greatly appreciated

Karede

Hi there,

I think so far the maintenance and access every weekend is working out well. It is also great that you are both meeting half way as a lot of people would not do this.

Could you suggest mediation to your ex before you go to court? You could discuss the guardianship there and answer any concerns she might have.

I think going to court brings out the worst in people. If you have to go, I don't see why a judge wouldn't give you guardianship. They rarely refuse it, generally just if the child was in danger or drugs etc were involved. Also if you do apply to court also apply for an access agreement. Basically just formalize what you have in place. As you have been seeing your daughter every weekend for the past year and it has been working fine id be very surprised if they changed it. Same with maintenance...you just want to get it in writing. If you are on a very high wage you could expect to pay more. If not bring a statement of means with you.

Good luck...you seem to be doing right by your daughter...keep it up

LegacyUser

Karede wrote: »

Hi there,

I think so far the maintenance and access every weekend is working out well. It is also great that you are both meeting half way as a lot of people would not do this.

Could you suggest mediation to your ex before you go to court? You could discuss the guardianship there and answer any concerns she might have.

I think going to court brings out the worst in people. If you have to go, I don't see why a judge wouldn't give you guardianship. They rarely refuse it, generally just if the child was in danger or drugs etc were involved. Also if you do apply to court also apply for an access agreement. Basically just formalize what you have in place. As you have been seeing your daughter every weekend for the past year and it has been working fine id be very surprised if they changed it. Same with maintenance...you just want to get it in writing. If you are on a very high wage you could expect to pay more. If not bring a statement of means with you.

Good luck...you seem to be doing right by your daughter...keep it up

Thanks for your reply.

Yes I will suggest mediation to her. I always let her know that I appreciate what she is doing by meeting me half way. However, I know the current arrangements could change at the drop of a hat, thus I would like everything to be in place from a legal point of view. Regarding wages, no I would be on the average industrial wage.

Would like to hear responses from any other parents who went through similar experiences.

Thanks

The Corinthian

My guess is that some friends of hers have scared her on what rights this would give you - a solicitor probably would have told her that there's not much point in fighting it and not to overestimate those rights.

Have you asked her what her objections are to you having guardianship?

As for her request that you pay half of your maintenance in cash, she's essentially asking you to help her commit social welfare fraud. Up to you if you do so, but the Social Welfare have been chasing fathers to increase their payments, so that they can decrease the amount they pay out; so such an arrangement me end up short lived and cause you more hassle down the road. On the other side, keeping positive relations is important and it would also buy you leverage in future discussions.

Pixie Chief

I would tread carefully on this. Guardianship is important and you should have it but how it is achieved is another matter entirely. I went through a similar situation from the mother's perspective although a lot of the details are very different. I was given possibly the best piece of advice ever and I will pass it along to you. It was given to me by a friend who had no children but had been the child of a seperated couple. To put it in context, we had just been to court and it had been a pretty rough day. Decisions had been made that dramatically negatively impacted the lives of all of my children and I could do nothing about it, just had to accept it and was really struggling.

She told me: "One day soon, and you won't feel it coming round, you will be facing a young, independent adult who will be looking back down the road at their childhood. They won't remember who won the row and whether it was over something that was best for them. They will just remember the row. And the next one. And the next one. They will rightfully feel that you ruined their childhood. Regardless of what a court says, no one is allowed to willfully hurt them and each incident of that can and will be properly dealt with and that will abate. But they will remember how you handled it. Don't get so caught up in fighting the fight that you forget that their childhood is happening right now, for them. When they look back, who will you want them to see? A mature, grown up parent who regardless of any limitations imposed on them was always there for them, always listened to them, did whatever they could to keep them safe and handled all adversity in a calm, rational and above all perceptive way or a power hungry nut job too busy in a battle they can't win to be a parent? They will learn about conflict resolution and life management from you, make sure it's a good lesson. Power and control are an illusion. They are not relevant. You don't own your children, you only caretake them for a while and you will be judged the other end by them....and their opinion is the one that counts."

It's very scary suddenly feeling out of control with regard to your children's lives, but it is just an illusion. You suddenly have to kowtow to someone else, someone that maybe you don't like very much anymore. Your rights as a parent are being eroded and someone else has say in when you see them, choices you make for them and how you interact with them. You feel frightened and that your relationship is under threat and realize that this single parenthood lark is a bit crap actually. Now take a deep breath and understand that the mother feels exactly the same way. That essentially the whole thing is like a game of battleship because half the board is hidden. For your own sake and that of your child, I can't recommend enough that you try to get on the same side of the board.

Analyse why you want guardianship and make a list of decisions that are coming throughout your child's life that will have to be made. Try to meet for a coffee and go through the list with the attitude of "all these things are coming and I want to be able to support you and the child through all of them so what are your opinions on ear piercing, tattoos, parent teacher meetings (the list is extensive when you think about everything that will happen between now and 18!) and try to reach agreement on as many as possible. It doesn't matter that you do it quickly, it only matters that it is done the right way. Say something like, "I want you to be able to ring me and count on my support because we already know how we want this to go." Incidentally, it might make the guardianship thing easier to mention what happens if something happens to her? Who will the child live with? Or if something happens to both of them and she is unconscious, who will make medical decisions for them and specifically the child? Wills in this context might not be a bad idea either. People often forget that this is the most important reason for having guardianship sorted out, spats about boyfriends staying over and who gets to decide are rather less important.

I screwed up many, many times but I was always trying to be the person that my child would see as an adult. My eldest just turned 18 and i was never more glad that I did. I tried very hard to see each decision from each person's perspective and find ways to communicate better. I didn't always succeed but it seems that isn't the bit that matters, thankfully. The other thing to always remember is that every behavior, by everybody, all the time, is driven by a need. If you can address that need successfully, the behaviour disappears. You might be stumped a little by the fact that your ex feels the need to be angry with you and that's ok. She will come round and this will all be sorted. Both of you will soon come to realise that your choices will be limited by your child anyway. Visits every weekend won't happen anymore, not because your ex prevented them but because your child's hectic social life won't allow it! And that's how it should be. For now, I would try to slide the guardianship issue in with other issues in providing for accidents, illness or death of either party since that is where it belongs and I wish all of you the very best of luck!

Paddy Cow

Op I can't give you any legal advice but I would strongly advise against paying her any cash. Either give her a cheque or pay through your bank. If you pay half of any fees or other expenses, pay them direct yourself and keep a receipt.

A friend of mine tried to keep his ex sweet by paying her maintanence in cash (at her request). When it went to court she said she had never received a cent and he ended up "owning" her months of back payments. It also looked like he was a deadbeat dad, even though he wasn't. He loved his daughter and did what he thought was best at the time to make life easier for everyone. He learned a very harsh lesson. The courts don't want to hear about cash. They want proof of what you have contributed.

Paying cash can also be seen as a way of committing fraud, which could open up a whole other can of worms. I wish you all the best at this difficult time but like I said, my main advice would be to leave a trail of everything you contribute/pay for.

LegacyUser

Hi again folks

Thanks for all replies. Its good to get the ins and outs of everything.

An update. My daughters mother has agreed to sign the guardianship form. I assume a peace commissioner can witness the signing of the statuary declaration?? I have spoken to a a peace commissioner who has agreed to do this.

All replies very much appreciated

sky2424

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/money_and_tax/tax/income_tax_credits_and_reliefs/maintenance_and_tax.html