Why would his ex text him?

LegacyUser

So, I'm with my boyfriend 9 months now and things have been great so far.

My issue is his ex gf texting him.

She texts him almost every 2-3 days, regardless of the hours. (She works full time and she still manages to do this.) She also sends him pictures of herself in social events and image files, some of which are a bit flirtatious (i.e. last night, we were cuddling and she sent him an image of a boyfriend-arm-pillow that she found on the internet, WTF?)

I've checked his phone (I know it sounds bad) and he does respond to her with very short answers - which I didn't think were inappropriate at all. But he also deletes all her messages afterwards.

The problem is we talked about this issue last night and he told me that she texts him every couple weeks to ask how he's doing and apparently she tells him all about the guys she sees and that they are just friends now. He doesnt know that I check his phone and I found it a bit strange that he would lie about how often she texts him? I do understand that they can still remain friends and I haven't seen anything suspicious so why the lie? Obviously I couldn't confront him about it cuz I didn't want him to know that I'm checking his phone!

He broke up with her about 1.5 years ago because she cheated on him with another fella on a night out. They were together for 2 years and she had some mental issues (her mom being severely bipolar, being admitted to St. Jonh of God many times, herself with control issues and some bipolar issues). He said he loved her but after 2 years, they were always fighting due to little issues + her control issue but the real blow was when she slept with another guy and came clean about it.

What is this girl thinking and why would he lie about how often she texts him?

homemadecider

Maybe the bigger question is why are you checking your boyfriend's phone? That is an awful intrusion of privacy and shows a huge breakdown in trust.

Czarcasm

Anonjustcuz111 wrote: »

why would he lie about how often she texts him?

The same reason as when you were both talking about it last night, you held back the fact that you check his phone. In other words- the same way you don't want him to know you check his phone, he doesn't want you to know he's still in contact with his ex.

It'd be a good idea if you both actually came clean with each other rather than play silly mind games, else your "talking to each other" when you really haven't talked to each other will achieve nothing.

Chazz Michael Michaels

I'd say that the fact he leaves his phone lying around shows he feels he has nothing to hide.

LegacyUser

homemadecider wrote: »

Maybe the bigger question is why are you checking your boyfriend's phone? That is an awful intrusion of privacy and shows a huge breakdown in trust.

I understand it is bad but it is cuz I've been cheated in my last relationship. And I know it sounds bad but I dont think I can trust men anymore.

In my last relationship, which lasted for 9 years, I never checked my partner's phone nor his emails or anything and I found out that he had numerous online dating profiles and were having affairs with different girls - which were going on for about 1 year without me knowing anything. I completely trusted him because I never cheated or lied during my relationship.

I went to numerous therapies for this - obviously my heart was broken and one of the questions my therapist asked me was 'why didnt you check his phone?'

I'm not proud that I'm checking his phone but if he has nothing to hide, he probably shouldn't lie about it either. I leave my phone and I can say that I have nothing to hide.

LegacyUser

Czarcasm wrote: »

The same reason as when you were both talking about it last night, you held back the fact that you check his phone. In other words- the same way you don't want him to know you check his phone, he doesn't want you to know he's still in contact with his ex.

It'd be a good idea if you both actually came clean with each other rather than play silly mind games, else your "talking to each other" when you really haven't talked to each other will achieve nothing.

Thanks for the advice. I suppose, because it was our first serious ex talk, we both kinda felt a bit uncomfortable about it. Maybe that's why we couldn't go to the real core of the issue.

I do understand I have to talk to him about this again.

He does know that I know that they are still in touch cuz she tried to ring him numerous times at random hours (3-4 am) after a night out and he always ignored her.

While I try to let these things not bother me, knowing that she might just want to talk to him when she's drunk?, it does kinda bother me, to be 100% honest.

Czarcasm

Anonjustcuz111 wrote: »

He does know that I know that they are still in touch cuz she tried to ring him numerous times at random hours (3-4 am) after a night out and he always ignored her.

While I try to let these things not bother me, knowing that she might just want to talk to him when she's drunk?, it does kinda bother me, to be 100% honest.

I hope I didn't come off too harshly in my first reply but yes, essentially you both do need to talk again and this time really get to the core of the issue.

As for the above well that's going to bother even the most secure person tbh, because it's just plain rude and inconsiderate, both on her behalf and on your boyfriend's behalf. He shouldn't be accommodating her calling at all hours and he should leave her under no illusion that she is interfering in his new relationship with someone else.

You can suggest he make her aware of this, but you can't force him to do it, that's something he has to see for himself.

LegacyUser

Czarcasm wrote: »

I hope I didn't come off too harshly in my first reply but yes, essentially you both do need to talk again and this time really get to the core of the issue.

As for the above well that's going to bother even the most secure person tbh, because it's just plain rude and inconsiderate, both on her behalf and on your boyfriend's behalf. He shouldn't be accommodating her calling at all hours and he should leave her under no illusion that she is interfering in his new relationship with someone else.

You can suggest he make her aware of this, but you can't force him to do it, that's something he has to see for himself.

Nah you were right about - no offence taken.

I do see myself still a bit vulnerable and raw from my last break up just because it was so hurtful and I think I check his phone so that I know for sure that he's not doing anything behind my back.

He hasn't answered her calls as far as I know and his answers to her texts have always been very short and only one or two words per text. I do trust him in the sense that he's not doing anything to facilitate this nonsense texting.

What I don't get is the girl - like what is she on about? I can understand she is a bit jealous but sure she cheated on him!

Czarcasm

Anonjustcuz111 wrote: »

What I don't get is the girl - like what is she on about? I can understand she is a bit jealous but sure she cheated on him!

Quite simply she wants to reassure herself that guys still want her, and knowing how your boyfriend felt about her two years ago, she wants to know he still feels the same way two years later. She doesn't particularly care that he's moved on, all she cares about is seeing that he still cares about her.

Merkin

If you're with your boyfriend nine months and things are going great between you then you are perfectly entitled to tell him how you really feel about all of this. Tell him that you don't like that his ex is still in touch, that her 3am booty calls make you uncomfortable, that you're not happy with the level of contact and that you feel he is encouraging her (unwittingly or otherwise). You don't have to play the part of the agreeable, not wanting to rock the boat girlfriend. Be honest! You have been scarred by past infidelities and this girl makes you insecure. Tell him straight. As long as he thinks you are fine with all of this then the longer he will continue replying. Say it to him.

Merkin

Anonjustcuz111 wrote: »

I do trust him in the sense that he's not doing anything to facilitate this nonsense texting.

He is unwittingly (or otherwise) facilitating her though. Every time she gets a response from him she will see fit to send another text as he is engaging with her.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

He is unwittingly (or otherwise) facilitating her though. Every time she gets a response from him she will see fit to send another text as he is engaging with her.

Yeah, that's what I thought too.

He goes for a week or so without responding then she will send txts like 'Are you alive?' or 'Is everything ok' or 'Why are you ignoring me'.

She sometimes randomly says words like 'c*nt' or 'p&ssy' (Yeah - that's the entire text) which I dont even know what to think about!! I can obviously see she's trying to catch his attention by saying these things and obviously he ignores these texts. But from what I've seen, he would respond to her normal texts.

He says that there's nothing between them and that she's given him a lot of grief. But that he doesnt want to tell her to f*ck off cuz that wouldn't be a very manly thing to say, whatever that means!

I do understand that I have a trust issue (which he is aware of) and I'm trying to think really positively about this relationship but inside I'm always wondering what has she said this time?!

Czarcasm

OP tbh, and I meant to say this in my last reply, but you shouldn't really be concerning yourself with what she's saying to your boyfriend, or her motivations for doing so. Your only concern should be that you're clearly not comfortable with your boyfriend accommodating and entertaining this girl (as Merkin says- that's exactly what he IS doing), and he knows what it's doing to you.

I don't think this is particularly to do with your insecurities as much as it has to do with your boyfriend being inconsiderate towards how you feel.

There's another thing btw - when you're talking to your boyfriend about this girl, don't put down his ex, point out that it's HIS behaviour you have an issue with.

Ande1975

Hi OP,

I feel your frustration and annoyance. You can be absolutely guaranteed that this girl would go nuts if she was in your shoes and potentially, (given the information you have shared) would have gone nuclear with her bf and tell him to block the girl.
The facts are, your boyfriend is with you not her. By you keeping calm and factual about this is quite possibly a breath of fresh air for your boyfriend from his experiences with this girl.
Another benefit of you keeping calm is just highlighting to him how nuts she is.
To be sending crude text messages just shows how lacking in class she is.
You are worth so much more in his eyes and as hard as it is, be confident in yourself and his feelings for you.
Its very hard when you are in the situation but if you take yourself out of it, what do you see?
A silly girl who made a guys life miserable and she is continuing to do so.
Just be the fabulous person he met and fell for that each day he says to himself WOW, there are girls out there that are drama free.

In time the messing will stop.
Best of luck,
A

CaraMay

Nothing justifies the level of invasion of your bfs privacy. It would seem that you regularly check his phone and that not on. You have no right to do so an an ex cheating on you doesn't justify this behavior no matter how much you try to justify it.

I guess you are the type of gf your bf thinks he can't really talk to and he is right. You are not in a place where you are honest with each other so what is that relationship worth?

I hate to see people saying 'oh I have trust issues and he knows it'. If you know you have issues which may impact on how you treat your partner negatively then you shouldn't be in a relationship until you resolve the Issues otherwise you see doing nothing other than game playing. .

Ande1975

CaraMay wrote: »

Nothing justifies the level of invasion of your bfs privacy. It would seem that you regularly check his phone and that not on. You have no right to do so an an ex cheating on you doesn't justify this behavior no matter how much you try to justify it.

I guess you are the type of gf your bf thinks he can't really talk to and he is right. You are not in a place where you are honest with each other so what is that relationship worth?

I hate to see people saying 'oh I have trust issues and he knows it'. If you know you have issues which may impact on how you treat your partner negatively then you shouldn't be in a relationship until you resolve the Issues otherwise you see doing nothing other than game playing. .

With all due respect and I really mean this but we are talking about natural human behaviour here. Long before the age of the internet, women have an intuition and followed up by questioning a lipstick stain on their collar, unusual credit card receipts etc. The sad thing is that we haven't moved on and have much more access to evidence than ever before.
We have all seen people who have ignored the signs and ended up devastated. The Op has been hurt in the past and the scars remain. She is only human.
It would be wonderful if she had the confidence in herself to know she deserves better and stand up for herself but as a nearly 40 something that only comes with age and being on your own.
Let's not berate her for snooping - we've all done it in some make shape or form. Your advice is correct but be kind in the delivery

Stavro Mueller

Staying friends with an ex isn't always a good idea. I wonder is your boyfriend humouring his ex because he thinks she's a bit fragile? She sounds like a somewhat troubled individual and maybe he feels a bit responsible for this. It wouldn't surprise me if all that talk about guys she's seeing is just that - talk. Her way of putting a brave face on things. My guess is that she's still harbouring feelings for your boyfriend and is keeping her oar in there in the hope that you and him will break up.

Your boyfriend's behaviour is doing neither you nor her any good. At this stage she needs to be told that they can't remain friends and that he's cutting contact. And if he's too gutless to say that, he should stop replying to her texts. The ex needs to learn how to get on with her life without depending on your boyfriend. You'd think too that he'd ask her to stop out of respect for you. It might be that he's a tad gutless or inconsiderate.

Oh and I agree with the others. There is no excuse for you snooping on his phone. If you can't trust this guy then why are you with him?

irish bloke

homemadecider wrote: »

Maybe the bigger question is why are you checking your boyfriend's phone? That is an awful intrusion of privacy and shows a huge breakdown in trust.

Typical high moral ground answer that doesn't address the issue the OP has. So sick of this type of tiresome response

LegacyUser

cymbaline wrote: »

Staying friends with an ex isn't always a good idea. I wonder is your boyfriend humouring his ex because he thinks she's a bit fragile? She sounds like a somewhat troubled individual and maybe he feels a bit responsible for this. It wouldn't surprise me if all that talk about guys she's seeing is just that - talk. Her way of putting a brave face on things. My guess is that she's still harbouring feelings for your boyfriend and is keeping her oar in there in the hope that you and him will break up.

Your boyfriend's behaviour is doing neither you nor her any good. At this stage she needs to be told that they can't remain friends and that he's cutting contact. And if he's too gutless to say that, he should stop replying to her texts. The ex needs to learn how to get on with her life without depending on your boyfriend. You'd think too that he'd ask her to stop out of respect for you. It might be that he's a tad gutless or inconsiderate.

Oh and I agree with the others. There is no excuse for you snooping on his phone. If you can't trust this guy then why are you with him?

Thanks all for your responses - some encouraging, some not much so - but it always puts me into perspective when I hear what a third person(s) thinks about the situation as emotions sometimes cloud your judgements.

Why am I with him? Because I genuinely care about him and we share a lot of interests and most importantly very similar values in terms of family and future.

I want to again emphasize that I've never doubted that he would fall for her again or cheat on me. We've already agreed, when and if ever that day comes when one of us gets tired of each other, we will tell each other because both of our hearts have been broken by cheating partners.

Let's be honest, who can put on a brave face and be completely cool about it when the Ex is constantly contacting your partner? I am a very self-sufficient, high self-esteemed and a self loving individual - the values that my bf appreciates and loves. But I must say it does make me feel a tad bit uncomfortable when she calls him out of the blue at 4 am on Saturday or texts him random photos or says 'Pussy' or 'my rat' in her text messages.

It seems she is a vulnerable person even though she also looks like a bit of a party animal. I cannot obviously reveal too much but she works at a very well respected job and comes from a very affluent background, however, with mental issues in the family. Obviously she has a bit of an issue herself, as you can tell from the random obnoxious texts she sends while also dating different men.

I think she is going through a 'don't want him but don't want anybody to have him' kind of period even after a 1.5 year.

I don't know if I can ask my bf to stop texting her - knowing that now they are friends - and I think he should just cop on and know it himself that he should cut it out? Or is that too vague - as in should I just tell him word for word?

LegacyUser

Ande1975 wrote: »

Hi OP,

I feel your frustration and annoyance. You can be absolutely guaranteed that this girl would go nuts if she was in your shoes and potentially, (given the information you have shared) would have gone nuclear with her bf and tell him to block the girl.
The facts are, your boyfriend is with you not her. By you keeping calm and factual about this is quite possibly a breath of fresh air for your boyfriend from his experiences with this girl.
Another benefit of you keeping calm is just highlighting to him how nuts she is.
To be sending crude text messages just shows how lacking in class she is.
You are worth so much more in his eyes and as hard as it is, be confident in yourself and his feelings for you.
Its very hard when you are in the situation but if you take yourself out of it, what do you see?
A silly girl who made a guys life miserable and she is continuing to do so.
Just be the fabulous person he met and fell for that each day he says to himself WOW, there are girls out there that are drama free.

In time the messing will stop.
Best of luck,
A

Thank you!

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

You have no right to do so an an ex cheating on you doesn't justify this behavior no matter how much you try to justify it.

I guess you are the type of gf your bf thinks he can't really talk to and he is right. You are not in a place where you are honest with each other so what is that relationship worth?

I hate to see people saying 'oh I have trust issues and he knows it'. If you know you have issues which may impact on how you treat your partner negatively then you shouldn't be in a relationship until you resolve the Issues otherwise you see doing nothing other than game playing. .

Of course I'm justified to check his phone - you cannot force your moral standard to other people. We all have different reasons to do things and make decisions.

I value my happiness and as a person who's been cheated on after 9 years together, I can do whatever I want. I'm a loyal gf and I would do anything for my bf. I have no problem with him checking my phone as we do sometimes - we play with each other's phones and take photos or google stuff on each other's phones and if there's nothing to hide, we should all be able to use each other's phones. I know he has other female friends who doesn't send him inappropriate messages or photos and I'm completely ok with that. He knows I have male friends and he is completely ok with that too.

Everybody has doubts in their relationship at some point in their lives and when you overcome these difficulties, that's when your relationship gets really strong. While I still have a trust issue, it doesn't mean I cannot get into a relationship with someone I love.

Each to their own and you have no right to say what I'm like cuz you don't know me. You were wrong. You sound like you've been burnt by someone who snooped on your phone? :P

Meauldsegosha

Anonjustcuz wrote: »

I am a very self-sufficient, high self-esteemed and a self loving individual

anojustcuz wrote: »

Of course I'm justified to check his phone - you cannot force your moral standard to other people. We all have different reasons to do things and make decisions.

I value my happiness and as a person who's been cheated on after 9 years together, I can do whatever I want.

These statements contradict each other. You are not justified in checking his phone. You said yourself he would never get back with her and would never cheat on you so if you trust him so implicity you are not justified. And just because you were cheated on in a previous relationship does not give you the right to do whatever you want in this or any other relationship.

LegacyUser

While I do respect his privacy, it is hard not to check his phone when

1) As we don't live together, we spend every weekend together. She used to call him almost every weekend for about 4 months, at around 3-4 am (possibly drunk) and he goes 'Ah it's my ex'. She didn't stop at one attempt - used to call him about 3 times until she finally gave up even though she knew I was there.

2) We play with his phone together, her message comes up with inappropriate comments or photos - then you would naturally wonder what the hell is going on? He would just brush it off saying 'Ah it's my ex' when I know he answers those texts when I'm not around, even though the answers are harmless.

The reason I believe he won't do anything with her is because I've checked his texts (I've only checked his texts, not emails or anything else) and based on his answers, I can see that he clearly isn't interested in getting back together + what he has told me.

I do accept what you guys say about breaching his privacy and all but in all honesty, I don't think I am doing anything out of malicious intent or doing him any harm.

Merkin

Rather than checking up on him and being so covert about it why don't you just talk to him directly and honestly and tell him you're not happy with it? No violation of privacy then and you can be honest about how this is effecting you?

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

Rather than checking up on him and being so covert about it why don't you just talk to him directly and honestly and tell him you're not happy with it? No violation of privacy then and you can be honest about how this is effecting you?

Thanks Merkin. I felt a bit stupid after reading all the posts and decided not to check up on his texts anymore.

We've already talked about this and I think he felt a bit guilty after it just because I was feeling bad. I think he understands that he doesn't have to be friends with his ex and he says that she will go away as time goes by.

Well, she certainly hasn't gone away after 1.5 years and if this continues, I dont think I want to be in that relationship. I don't need that extra stress and I don't have to tell him what to do when he should know what he needs to do.

Stavro Mueller

If he finds out that you've read his texts it could spell the end of your relationship. It's a bad habit to get into, not to mention it becoming a crutch for you. Besides, even if your boyfriend was cheating you can't be sure you'd ever find evidence on the phone.

You'd be far better off having a discussion about this. Friends or no friends, she's overstepping boundaries and he's a bigger fool for indulging her.

desertcircus

Him getting texts every few days from his ex (which he doesn't encourage or engage with) is annoying, but not a big deal. You checking his phone absolutely is a big deal. There is a world of difference between using your partner's phone to Google something or play Angry Birds and checking your partner's text messages without his knowledge. He has a right to expect a degree of privacy that you're not only disregarding, you're actively telling yourself it's okay. If it really was okay, you wouldn't be keeping it from him.

If you're not happy with this state of affairs, then next time he gets a text from her when you're there, tell him you're not happy with it and ask him to send her a message to say not to text him again and that if she does, he won't respond. Don't tell him you've been checking his messages behind his back, and for the love of God, don't do it again.

CaraMay

The difference is that he is using your phone with your knowledge and permission - you aren't. You seen to have justified your behavior in your own head and are naive about the damage your snooping is doing already. FYI snooping won't stop him cheating on you if he wishes to.

Meauldsegosha

Anonjustcuz111 wrote: »

The reason I believe he won't do anything with her is because I've checked his texts (I've only checked his texts, not emails or anything else) and based on his answers, I can see that he clearly isn't interested in getting back together + what he has told me.

I do accept what you guys say about breaching his privacy and all but in all honesty, I don't think I am doing anything out of malicious intent or doing him any harm.

So in a few months when checking his emails is not enough, are you going to move on to his email/FB/twitter etc. When do you start trusting your boyfriend. A cornerstone of a relationship is trust. I understand you have been hurt in a previous relationship but you have blinkers on if you thing you are not doing something which could potentially hurt your boyfriend.

By the way I do think his ex is being inappropriate in the texts she send.

Ickle Magoo

irish bloke,

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