The most important year

XxMCRxBabyxX

I'll start by saying that I'm writing this while trying to finish an essay that's due in 7hrs so I am probably more panicked than usual but I do think that this all still applies.

I started college back in 2009 and, without sounding arrogant, I was pretty good at it. I could manage a steady stream of 2.1s and some first and very rarely less than that and I was the same in 2nd year. I went on placement in third year and did well in that too. I got my contract and felt pretty good about it all.

That's when everything went downhill... At the end of the placement, (literally my last day) I had a fit in work and was later diagnosed with epilepsy. Since then, I have been useless. I just can't do anything anymore. I attempted to come back to final year last year and had deferred by November. I just couldn't do anything. My concentration had gone, my ability had gone and so had I tbh. The last essay that I had to do had me up until this tie in the morning without a clue and was handed up basically half finished. Unsurprisingly I barely passed, I have never gotten less than a 60 in an essay before so that was a a massive shock to me and I ended up deferring a week after that, partly sue to it.

After deferring I went back to the firm that I had been on placement with for a few months work. I was useless there too. I just knew that I wasn't working to my ability. I was distracted and lazy and generally crap. That isn't me. I know that it isn't.

Now I'm back in college and am in the exact same position as I was last year. Up at 8am without any sleep still working on an essay that I've spent the last week on and yet it's still less than half done. I know what to say, I just can't seem to get it down. I'm just so petrified that I have now lost what is meant to be one of the most important years of my life. If this is me already how on earth will I be able to handle exams? How am I going to get the 2.1 that I need so that I can take the contract that I have been offered?

How do I get out of this? How can I go back to the good student that I was? I shouldn't be here. In fact, I should be well graduated by now. Not left behind while all my friends are doing something. I have this horrible feeling that I'm going to be stuck here for years being the useless thing that I have become.

I can't do this.

LegacyUser

MCR, very sorry to hear about the trouble you're having but instantly what I thought about is if this is stemming from a medical issue like epilepsy then have you alerted the head people in your department. I'd imagine first thing would be to explain to Head of Dept, Tutors and any of the lecturers you have and I think they direct you to what's called the Access Office in many unis and they may have professionals better equipped to help if the difficulties you're having are arising from a med issue. Either way, talk to someone because prior to this you say your work was very good.
If it's nothing to do with that then you just need to get tough with yourself and treat this like a job. Procrastinating will leave anyone feeling stressed and anxious so just get stuck into it. No magic. Just sitting down and doing it is all that will help. Some inspirational music (think Rocky Eye of the Tiger ;-)), lots of tea and chocolate. Works a treat!
Take care and wishing you all the very best.

dazey

I experienced something slightly similar and I know how difficult it can be to face exams you don't feel able for. I broke up with my long term live in partner a few days before my final exams which I was planning on cramming for. I was the sort of student to always do this and get away with it coming out with mostly firsts after good note taking throughout the year.

Well I found I just couldn't. Those few days resulted in panic attacks and disruption at home. The days seemed to stretch on for eternity with no work being done. I jut couldn't focus or maintain a clear head. My confidence was completely knocked in a romantic sense. Then when I tried to think about my exams, I thought about them being the basis of my career, and ultimately pouring my future down the drain.

Nothing got me out of that funk, and there was no way I could have sat those exams as they would have only been half answers given. Even if I had prepared thoroughly I'm not sure I would have performed weLL.

You care a great deal about your college work, and it must be so upsetting to have a diagnosis like this disrupt your good work. I think you should take comfort in the fact that you received pass marks in an essay that you say was half finished. This tells me that you are still capable of passing this degree and as you get back into the swing of things the only way is up. Remember that these are your final years worth of results, but I assume your marks are cumulative - taking into account previous years' study so this year isn't 'everything' in relation to your overall grade.

In terms of not being able to articulate on paper what you need to say a tip of mine would be to pretend you have to give a talk to someone on the subject, or explain to a friend what it is you are doing in college. Better yet find someone to talk to about the coursework be it a friend, classmate, parent or lecturer. I find my thought always crystallizes when I have to verbally explain things. Lecturers are more approachable than you think and tutors or supervisors even more so, so email them asking for clarification or direction. That is what they are paid to do.

This is more than likely not the most important year of your life. Perhaps it is one of them. Meeting the love of your life, moving into a new home, becoming a father/ mother, emigrating t start a new life abroad are also possible events that can make a year the most important in a lifetime.

You are being unfair to yourself by measuring yourself against your friends achievements. Everybody has a different path, and I would be more than proud of you for not merely dropping out but persisting. Finally, and I would ask that you consider this seriously, all colleges have a counsellor of some sort. These are people trained to helping students make positive changes to their growth and development. They are a comfort when times get tough.

The fact that you are so concerned you took to this forum for help tells me you are seriously invested in doing well, and that you can do it! Remember this difficult time will pass, and will ultimately make you stronger. The best of luck xx

XxMCRxBabyxX

Thanks dazey, your reply was pretty helpful.

I'm a lot calmer now. I didn't get the essay done but went in and asked for an extension explaining my circumstances (an becoming that girl who cries) and the tutor was very understandable and even offered help. I hated having to do that though.

I still have a lot to think about and I'm still really upset but I'm going to try take my week off next week to go through it.

iusedtoknow

Epilepsy is extremely serious (i had petit mal when I was younger, though I have been free for 10+ years), so first of all - well done in holding everything together so far. Also, well done in approaching your tutor. They are there to help you, not to hinder your final year.

When I had it, i was always worried, worried when the next one would be (it took me a while to establish the "aura" of when they would occur. The medication I was put on didn't help matters either.

Are you under the care of a physician? What happened with me was the doctor put me on the highest level of medication and decided to work "down" to a level that was lower but still prevented seizures. The medication changed me, I started being unable to concentrate on anything, and was a shadow of myself. My parents fortunately got a second opinion and under the care of another doctor, my meds were brought to be a more sustainable level.

I would agree with the above advice to talk to your Access department, they will have all the correct resources to help you succeed.

XxMCRxBabyxX

Sorry TalktoTutor I must have missed your post. I was hoping to avoid talking to anyone but I suppose that it's probably necessary. What do I say though? I'm already registered with the access office as I made sure to do this after lastyear.

I'm on pretty high meds but I had been brought up from a low dosage. I do reckon that they are having a big effect but it's a difficult choice between seizures and college. I don't really know which to pick.

iusedtoknow

As I said, I only had Petit Mal seizures, so I am not very up on the grand mal medications. However my second opinion doc changed me from one type of medication to another, and switched my regime from Highest slowly brought down to Lower spectrum and bought up to the needed level - it took about 3 months to right the levels, but was worth it. When I hit 16 he took me of the meds altogether to see if I had grown out of it...i had.

However, grand mal is a different breed altogether, and i can understand you reluctance. Talk to your doctor further, and actively let your university know. They will support you in this. It may be embarrassing, but you won't be the first one to have this condition and will know how to react

LegacyUser

You have been through a tough time in regards to your health.
Rather than give up when your health problems were serious you decided to go to back to college which shows your have strenght.

At this stage you need to move on from the fact that your freinds are have left college/are working or doing further study.
A number of years ago I knew some one who had to repeat the final 6 months of there training and re sit exams at the end of this when all there freinds had moved on.
This person now has the best job of all the group they were doing there course with.

Also I would take the advice to speak to the tutor/conseller in college as they are there to help you.
You have also said to us in your post - it's a difficult choice between seizures and college. I don't really know which to pick.
One thing I would say to you is not to stop taking your medication just because you think it will make college easier. Long term you could be making you condition worse not better.
Also let your doctor/consultant know how your feeling as they can advise you and maybe in a position to change your medication.

From what you have told us at the moment you are so worried about failing that you are putting yourself under a lot of pressure. You need to remember that you have been though a lot. Your also in the lucky position of having a job once you get your exams.

Every day from now on get use to getting up at the same time each day and going to bed at the same time each night. You need to have proper sleep every night.
Also try to eat as healthy as possible - eat fruit, veg and proper meals rather takeaways/sweets ect. Take a mult vitimen also each day.
Also make time to get out for a walk or some exercise and make time for friends.

Good Luck and I hope the above helps you.

XxMCRxBabyxX

So do you think that I should go into each department and explain? How do I do that without sounding like I'm making excuses?

I don't like being the useless one.

iusedtoknow

You aren't the useless one. You are getting to grips with a life altering condition. Whatever side affects your medications are giving you, there is the psychological as well as the physiological aspects to a condition such as epilepsy.

The reaction of your tutor is pretty much how the rest of your tutors/heads will react. What you have is not an excuse, it is a reason. They are very different things.
I manage a team of 6 people. One of them came to me, in a personal capacity about a health issue with long term repercussions. She told me a bit of what was going on, which explained some performance issues I had noticed in the previous 6 months. (she just found out that her and husband would never be able to conceive after trying for over a year). We were due to travel together the next week to Switzerland for a few workshops as well as the normal networking/entertaining that goes on when you visit headquarters.
She asked if she could skip it to stay with her husband. Of course I said yes, they are dealing with something. Whatever goes on in your personal life affects your professional/educational life. It also gave me a HUGE understanding as to why a few things had slipped in the past year.
This also led me to pulling her mid-year review from her record and amending the remarks I had made

What I am saying is, you have a VERY real issue at the moment, your university will be understanding in this.

XxMCRxBabyxX

Thanks. I'll try thinks about it and maybe send out some emails tomorrow to try meet with people. Get the confidence up for it. Like I said, I've always been the good student, so this feels like a real lowering of myself. I know that it makes no sense but it's how my head is working atm.

XxMCRxBabyxX

Well it appears that I'm panicking again and this essay is not getting done anytime soon. I've bitten the bullet and emailed the head of one the departments. I'm still deciding about the other.

I'm also going to email my tutor and explain that I don't think I'll get this done tomorrow but I think she did give me until the next class which is in two weeks.

I'm petrified as to where this is going. I really don't want to end up deferring again.

ShaShaBear

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

Well it appears that I'm panicking again and this essay is not getting done anytime soon. I've bitten the bullet and emailed the head of one the departments. I'm still deciding about the other.

I'm also going to email my tutor and explain that I don't think I'll get this done tomorrow but I think she did give me until the next class which is in two weeks.

I'm petrified as to where this is going. I really don't want to end up deferring again.

As horrid as it might sound, and with family links myself I want you to know I am not discriminating, but you really need to stop procrastinating.

As you said yourself, you are well capable of sitting here and typing out 500 words in one go, but cannot bring yourself to commit to your college essay. Sending emails to lecturers is another form of passive procrastination. I understand things are hard for you, and there are plenty of people who have equally difficult problems but they dont use them to excuse themselves from not bothering to do something.

You were a good student, and now you think you are not. But to me it sounds like you've just stopped trying.

You clearly need to talk to someone, and start realising this is not the end of your life, but rather a change in the way you must live it.

XxMCRxBabyxX

ShaShaBear wrote: »

As horrid as it might sound, and with family links myself I want you to know I am not discriminating, but you really need to stop procrastinating.

As you said yourself, you are well capable of sitting here and typing out 500 words in one go, but cannot bring yourself to commit to your college essay. Sending emails to lecturers is another form of passive procrastination. I understand things are hard for you, and there are plenty of people who have equally difficult problems but they dont use them to excuse themselves from not bothering to do something.

You were a good student, and now you think you are not. But to me it sounds like you've just stopped trying.

You clearly need to talk to someone, and start realising this is not the end of your life, but rather a change in the way you must live it.

I can assure that that's not the case. I sat staring at my essay for ages in tears because I couldn't understand why I couldn't get anything done, why my brain refused to work. I knew what I wanted to write but I was totally blank when it came to writing it.

I am a procrastinator but this isn't how I do it. I didn't just email my lecturer. I went into her to try and explain and I broke down.

I'm not using this as an excuse, I'm trying so hard to not need it as an excuse, but my head has changed. I have never struggled like this before and I really am trying to fix it. Having to ask for an extension killed me. I hated having to do it and I'm not proud of it.

I did not defer a year of college because of procrastination.

donkey oatey

I'm not sure if this will help but I was looking up things around "avoidance" and, from a PTSD perspective, it can stem from being afraid of the traumatic experience happening again (in your case I'm thinking it's having a fit?). The answer for that is to work through what happend and what would have made it less diffucult and also what WILL happen if it happens again. Get your mind used to a contingency plan and the series of events. I think the idea is that trauma is essentially something outside our norm and the brain loves routine. When something upsets the routine the brain can't compute an appropriate reaction and it becomes "locked" in a panic state that it will happen again. Luckily we can create synapses through visualisation that the brain will use and know are available and hopefully relax for longer and longer periods of time. Also I think of these visulaisation exercises as meditation which is meant to be great for relaxing the mind so it's win-win.

Good luck!

XxMCRxBabyxX

That's interesting donkey. I don't know if it is the case but is certainly worth thinking about.