Crazy, crazy jealousy. What is wrong with me?

LegacyUser

Right. So here's the deal. Please don't judge me. Just looking for some honest opinions and advice.

(Sorry for long post)

I'm a late 20s female who has had a pretty good life to date. Went to a good college, got a great degree, and have been working without pause in an exciting, progressive industry ever since. Did a stint abroad for four years, where I found further success, happiness, wonderful friends and a great life. Returned from that recently and have been bouncing around Dublin with friends ever since; still on the job hunt, trying to figure out which direction to go next. But feeling good about it all.

I have an old-time friend, well, not sure if I can call her a "friend" anymore, as it's literally been about a decade since we last met up. She was my best friend in school and someone I thought the world of - and thought would always be a part of my life. She helped me through a turbulent time in my life. She was also one of those "stars" at school - top of the class, extra-curricular activity queen, class prefect, actress on the side, superb singer, an all-round charismatic, outgoing, super super confident individual to my quiet, somewhat introverted, unassuming self. I guess I always felt a little overshadowed by her, despite loving her to pieces.

So life happened, we went our separate ways to college, and besides the odd bebo (ha! remember that) or facebook message over the years, we've altogether fallen out of contact.

Here's my problem: for the last ten years, I've watched (bebo, facebook, twitter etc), heard through the grapevine, or found out in some way about how fabulous her life has been - country hopping from Europe to Asia to South America....jumping from exciting job to exciting job...going through gorgeous boyfriend after gorgeous boyfriend...all the while taking up new and exciting hobbies, earning new qualifications, amassing hundreds of friends and always landing on her feet no matter where she ends up.

Most recently, she's been living in the same country I've just returned from, albeit in a different city, fallen in love with some beautiful boy, landed herself a great job only to leave it a year later and set up her own exciting new business, and really seems to be settling down, stunning apartment, running marathons every other week, taking trips around the world in her spare time, learning a new language every other minute, rescuing baby seals every other second...(ok last one was a lie)...and I am green, GREEN, with envy, jealousy, bitterness - truly enraged by how well she has it, and I can't seem to get over it.

I know, I must be a horrible person. The thing is, I don't have it half bad myself. I mean anyone else could've looked at my recent stint abroad in the same way - exciting adventures, lots of friends, trips, big professional accomplishments etc.

I just don't know what to do. I guess this whole thing is tarred by the fact that I lost this close friendship that I thought would last a lifetime, and maybe I'm still a bit scarred by that. Because I don't understand why. We seemed so close. I guess I'm still, ten years later, hurt by the fact that she doesn't/didn't seem to care enough to keep in touch - maybe this whole jealousy thing is a reaction to that?

I think a part of me has always felt a bit, I dunno, maybe shafted by the whole experience of her just upping and moving on with her life - new friends, new everything, no time for the "old", and maybe yeah, I'm still reacting to that.

I don't know. I just need to get over this. I'm writing this at ridiculous AM, after seeing some facebook post of hers harping on cheerfully about her latest endeavour, once again how fabulously talented and driven she is and it's rendered me with this consuming sense of inadequacy. I don't know WHY - it's not a competition like??! And I'm not her - I couldn't bounce around the world from relationship to relationship and place to place like that, I'd lose my marbles....but still with the jealousy.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop these negative feelings towards this girl I once loved, who was once a great part of my life.

Sorry for the essay. I'd really love some feedback or advice. Besides the obvious, "get the hell over yourself". I've already been telling myself that for years and it has yet to work!

Obliq

Grass is always greener on the other side eh?! TBH, your ex friend sounds exhausting. On the other hand, your life sounds more average and I DON'T mean that in a bad way. While I'm a bit intimidated even reading about your ex friend's life (it's the way you describe it), your's gives me a sense of respect for the path you've taken. Well done, I'd like to say. You've clearly taken responsibility for yourself and are doing the do and getting on well. But you're spending a lot of time comparing yourself to what sounds like Angelina Jolie....and in spite of how amazingly you're doing, you just don't describe yourself in the same terms. Why don't you try writing a short paragraph on your own life trajectory, as if from a fan, and see how it sounds?!

If I compare my life to Angelina, I come off looking pretty shabby and uninteresting. So do you, and most other women. However, I wouldn't want such a person as a friend - not because they're not a nice person, but because I don't want someone else's life over-shadowing mine by proximity to some kind of super star. I have also been insecure enough to compare myself to people who are more focused and higher achieving than me, and I have been guilty of bringing myself down and feeling inadequate next to them. So I have to stop looking. Don't know what advice I can offer except stop her constant barrage of stratospheric affairs coming up in your news feed? Or admit to a bit of hero-worship and put up a poster of her altogether! You're doing brilliantly - don't forget to congratulate yourself on that eh? And maybe examine those hurt feelings you have. Do you also compare this old friendship with the close friendships you have now?

ibarelycare

You're not a horrible person for feeling jealous. You've said yourself that you're not friends any more...so why don't you delete her off Facebook? You won't be reminded of all the wonderful things she's doing, and you can enjoy your own life without comparing yourself to her.

Big Bag of Chips

The fact that she feels the need to broadcast all her amazing achievements online makes me think she's actually, underneath it all a bit insecure in herself. She has always been popular, and while that's important in childhood, it tends to get less important to us as we grow older and more comfortable in our own skin.

It sounds like she is desperately clinging on to that popularity, and needs validation from others around her to feel great about herself. Why else the need to broadcast so much? I know plenty of people who have wonderful lives and have achieved great things... But don't feel the need to make sure everyone they've ever met knows about it.

Nobody has 100s of friends. Nobody's life is perfect and without it's troubles, and humdrum, mundane chores... She still has to do her washing, and load her dishwasher and change bed clothes etc! She just doesn't tell everyone about that.

She is highlighting the good points of her life, probably even exaggerating some of it. But it is ALL done so that others can "like" it, and she can then still feel that popularity that she desperately seems to need.

It is so easy to look at someone else's life and be jealous. But as already mentioned, the grass ISN'T always greener. The most confident, successful person in the world, is still "just a person". And you can be 100% guaranteed that she has her insecurities, worries and her own problems. It is impossible to go through life without them. She just doesn't let others know because its not a side of her she wants people to know about.

Your life to me sounds much more exciting and exotic than mine, by the way. There will always be someone "better off" than you. There will always be someone we think have it all.... But.... By the same token, there will always be someone looking at US thinking we're better off, we have it all... Do you see what I mean?

Green&Red

I remember a conversation I had with a friend of mine, where he was telling me about a guy who did this, that and the other, all amazing things and I said imagine if your life was like that, pretty much perfect and my friends wife piped up saying she looked at my life like that.
It sounds like you've a pretty good life, yes this person has it good too but you're are judging it from only the good side. Shes not going to post up that she had a horrible break up with one of these gorgeous lads now is she?

You say you've lost contact but have u tried to contact her?
U say shes moved to a city that you've just come from, an ideal opportunity to get in touch and recommend some stuff to her as a friend. Maybe even visit, I'm sure you've left other friends there?

I'd completely disagree with the other three posters here. If u delete her off FB what happends when u meet her at home?
Whats exhausting to one person is normal to another, I couldnt imagine a life sitting in watching telly for four hours in the evening, it would exhaust me, other people think its relaxing. And some people just like posting on FB, others prefer to be more private, good for both.

Obliq

Green&Red wrote: »

I'd completely disagree with the other three posters here. If u delete her off FB what happends when u meet her at home?

I didn't recommend that she deletes her off FB, just stops her updates coming up in the news feed, so the OP isn't constantly looking on. TBH, I meant that more as a way of determining for herself to stop what she's at with the constant comparisons...

LegacyUser

Thank you all for the replies. I know you're right - grass is always greener.

I've thought a bit more about this overnight, and think it all stems from the unresolved issues I have with the fact that our friendship came to an end, when she was, for a long time, the most important friend in my life. We went to each other's 5-years-old birthday parties for God's sake! We'd been in each other's lives forever, and then, in my teenage brain, I interpreted it as, she fceked off to college and forgot entirely about me and didn't care so much as to even contact me, to the point where we are now strangers.

Any contact we've had in the last decade has been sporadic - a facebook "Happy Birthday", a rare Skype about six years ago. The last time we met was my 18th birthday, where I had been in college and hadn't seen her for about six months - I couldn't wait to see her, when she rocked up for an hour and left as soon as we were all heading to the pub. I remember feeling hurt at the time, that my "best friend" couldn't be aRsed, and a total sense of deja vu again about two years ago - when I was living in the same country and a group of us (unrelatedly) planned a weekend in her city. I messaged her about meeting up, she said she had an event the evening in question (shocker!) but would try to stop by the venue we were at after - which she never did. I felt like that eighteen year old again, hurt and disappointed that her best friend doesn't give a sh1t about her.

And then - I don't want to play the victim card here either, as I'm clearly not some suffering martyr to the friendship! No real effort has been made besides those two things, I guess I just feel so much time has passed, and I can see through her actions that she has clearly moved on and probably views me as some kid she hung out with in the school yard a lifetime ago.

And then, inexplicably, I miss her. She has this big personality, a real presence and intelligence and cracking sense of humour - we really had a connection.

There always was an element of competition between us, academically, and otherwise - I think she was just so fabulous and talented and confident that I always felt a bit inadequate - so maybe that, with the sort of bitterness I have about the friendship, means I'm taking it into overdrive.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

It sounds like she is desperately clinging on to that popularity, and needs validation from others around her to feel great about herself. Why else the need to broadcast so much? I know plenty of people who have wonderful lives and have achieved great things... But don't feel the need to make sure everyone they've ever met knows about it.

That's the thing though - this girl has never been short of confidence - she was, and still is, one of the most confident, charismatic, self-assured people I know. That's probably why she's had no qualms about travelling the world often on her own and winding up with a big circle of friends and a great boyfriend in every spot she stopped off along the way.

Every person who meets her is taken in by her - guys used to throw themselves at her, everyone wanted to be around her. She was Ms Charisma and I think the fact that she broadcasts stuff is more down to her being a journalist / an extrovert, than any insecurities.

The funny thing is, a few of my other friends, and even my own mother, disliked the girl for years and thought of her as self-absorbed, selfish - friends with people when it suited her own agenda. And I wonder about that sometimes - maybe I am one in a long list of 'friends' who have felt hurt by her ability to just move on and drop the friendship because it no longer serves her.

But then, maybe that's just me being a bitch too.

I've blocked her from my facebook newsfeed and think I'll just avoid her page and get on with my life, I've a lot of stuff to sort out at the moment and am essentially starting a new chapter so don't have time for the negativity.

Thought about de-friending her, but it seems a bit petty, and am thinking about the potentially awkward social encounter it could create....some day.

Thanks again to all - sorry for the thesis!!

Monkey Allen

Try harder at getting over her. Stop seeing your friend as a rival. it's pretentious and disrespectful to her.

ABajaninCork

Not being funny, OP. But like BBOC says: If her life is so successful, then why broadcast it? How do you know SHE isn't jealous of YOU?? And BTW - You sound very successful yourself. I'm jealous! :P

My Mum always told me: Never look at what people have. You don't know how they came by it, or if indeed it was theirs at all.

Obliq

ABajaninCork wrote: »

My Mum always told me: Never look at what people have. You don't know how they came by it, or if indeed it was theirs at all.

That's a great quote - I like it!

CaraMay

Op you have really given away a lot about the girls personal life - her profession, rough age and details of her travels. I suspect she would be easy to identify from your details.

Aside from that if all her boyfriends were so fab why do the relationships keep ending?

LegacyUser

Sorry but I think you are being a bit ridiculous here. People move on, friendships drift apart. Your own life sounds pretty great and I think you need a bit of perspective considering most people in their 20s in Ireland - despite good qualifications from good colleges - are sitting on the dole queue and would jump at the chance to have the life you've just described.

I think you need to take a bit of a raincheck: the world doesn't revolve around you. This girl and you were friends in youth but just because you were friends at 5 doesn't mean you will be friends at 50. The way you describe her life choices is tinged with judgement. Just because she's living her life in a different way you would doesn't mean it's a personal affront to you. This girl is just living her life and posting about it on fb, as everyone in the world does.

I agree with other posters saying that "the grass isn't always greener" etc but I also feel for your ex-friend who, in this post, you're basically manipulating everyone into assuming she's high maintenance or a bit flakey just to excuse your own jealousy. She is super super confident and you felt overshadowed, but you still loved her to pieces? That's really passive aggressive, imo.

It seems to me that you're the one with the problem here (jealousy) and harking back to the past and actions that happened at an 18th birthday party (how many years ago!) is absolutely ridiculous and unfair. Perhaps because you're "bouncing" around home, looking for a job, you have a bit more time to be narcissistic and this is why you're zoning in on this particular non-issue.

Hide your poor friend's updates on fb if it means you're not going to direct further jealousy towards the poor girl. But honestly I think you need to grow up a bit and count your own blessings, make your own way in life and stop holding onto perceived grudges from the past.

Defiler Of The Coffin

greengreeneyes wrote: »

Thought about de-friending her, but it seems a bit petty, and am thinking about the potentially awkward social encounter it could create....some day.

I think you should revisit this and de-friend her. You are clearly still way too invested in her despite only having sporadic contact over the last number of years. She mightn't be on your newsfeed but what's to stop you clicking onto her page and seeing all that's being going on?

There's no need to worry about any awkward social situations, from the sound of it she will be too busy to even notice one less friend. If she does ask in future just tell her you are keeping your facebook for close friends and family only.

Sever all connections, forget her and move on with your own life. She's not worth all the energy you're expending over this.

Monkey Allen

Defiler Of The Coffin wrote: »

She's not worth all the energy you're expending over this.

Why do you have this view over someone you never met? Maybe people on here are feeling the jealousy too? That seems to be a very Irish\English attitude. Other nationalities encourage success for others. Thats what the OP should be doing for her friend. They might even be closer as friends if she was like that.

glass_onion

Hi op.As the rest said fb is not cracked up to be. I view fb at times like a soap opera.Yeah sure you get the pictures and check ins but it is not always glamor,behind the smiles and statues sometimes is real struggle.

FB at times i think can bring out the worst in people.it can be a popularity contest.And when times get hard you know who your real friends are.

I can see the jealously in your post,but perhaps it is best to cut loose.People change over time.So do our friends. Live your happiness and your life and not the person you envy about.

JenEffy

Do you really want her life or do you just think you do? People have been conditioned to want certain things without questioning whether or not they personally want them. For example, I'm thinking of a random girl I'm FB friends with. I'm jealous that she has a job, while I'm struggling to find one. But she's also currently planning a wedding with her first boyfriend, which is not something I'm jealous of. Try to break this girl's life down into sections like that and ask yourself would you really trade lives completely with her? In the end, her life being great doesn't stop you from being happy with what you've got. You have to stop comparing yourself with others.

LegacyUser

take a raincheck wrote: »

Sorry but I think you are being a bit ridiculous here. People move on, friendships drift apart. Your own life sounds pretty great and I think you need a bit of perspective considering most people in their 20s in Ireland - despite good qualifications from good colleges - are sitting on the dole queue and would jump at the chance to have the life you've just described.

I think you need to take a bit of a raincheck: the world doesn't revolve around you. This girl and you were friends in youth but just because you were friends at 5 doesn't mean you will be friends at 50. The way you describe her life choices is tinged with judgement. Just because she's living her life in a different way you would doesn't mean it's a personal affront to you. This girl is just living her life and posting about it on fb, as everyone in the world does.

I agree with other posters saying that "the grass isn't always greener" etc but I also feel for your ex-friend who, in this post, you're basically manipulating everyone into assuming she's high maintenance or a bit flakey just to excuse your own jealousy. She is super super confident and you felt overshadowed, but you still loved her to pieces? That's really passive aggressive, imo.

It seems to me that you're the one with the problem here (jealousy) and harking back to the past and actions that happened at an 18th birthday party (how many years ago!) is absolutely ridiculous and unfair. Perhaps because you're "bouncing" around home, looking for a job, you have a bit more time to be narcissistic and this is why you're zoning in on this particular non-issue.

A bit harsh, no? Of course it's my fault, of course I'm projecting, of course this girl's decision to live her life the way she's living it isn't a "personal affront" to me - but calling me "narcissistic", "passive aggressive" and "the world doesn't revolve around me" is about as helpful as a hole in the head as far as offering advice goes.

I'm far from narcissistic btw. I'm not trying to manipulate anyone into thinking anything about her to justify my jealousy. I'm frankly, embarrassed by it, it's so wholly uncharacteristic of me and I wouldn't utter it to anyone in real life - hence the anonymous post here. And I'm simply thinking aloud here, wracking my brains trying to figure out how I could be consumed by such awful thoughts for someone I've always cared about - is it my own insecurities, is it sadness over losing such a friendship, is it past events that have stayed with me, etc etc etc.

Thanks to everyone else who posted. I feel I may have just needed to vent, or to recognise that these feelings are there and verbalise them, for them to dissipate. Have been feeling a bit less bothered by this whole issue since I posted this thread. So maybe all I needed was a place to vent.

LegacyUser

I really don't think so. You are the one encouraging this jealousy in your self. It clearly is a "personal affront" otherwise you wouldn't be so wound up about it.

This friend hasn't actively done anything to make you feel the way you are feeling/have been feeling. You did suggest to people she was flakey, overconfident etc: hence the responses that suggest you question her life choices (why aren't her boyfriends sticking around?) and telling you to take fb posts with a pinch of salt/the grass is always greener.

You posted on here to get advice, I advised you to stop being narcissistic and to stop going over events from the past.

LegacyUser

take a raincheck again wrote: »

I really don't think so. You are the one encouraging this jealousy in your self. It clearly is a "personal affront" otherwise you wouldn't be so wound up about it.

This friend hasn't actively done anything to make you feel the way you are feeling/have been feeling. You did suggest to people she was flakey, overconfident etc: hence the responses that suggest you question her life choices (why aren't her boyfriends sticking around?) and telling you to take fb posts with a pinch of salt/the grass is always greener.

You posted on here to get advice, I advised you to stop being narcissistic and to stop going over events from the past.

So effectively, "get over yourself'.

Any constructive advice as to how that is done, other than reflecting on how much of a narcissistic tool I am for having such feelings in the first place?

Taltos

OK as this thread clearly is not going anywhere we are closing it.
OP, you may not always like the advice offered here, but people are taking time out of their own lives to try to help in their own way. Clearly though if you cannot accept the advice in the spirit it was offered there is little point in leaving this thread open as it just appears to be disappearing down a rabbit hole.

At this point the best suggestion we can give is that you consider speaking with a professional to help you come to terms with the emotions you are feeling and help you learn how to deal with them and criticism in a more constructive manner.

Thread closed
Taltos