Break up causes Cynicism!!!!

brighteyed84

Hi all...

Dont know where to start....I broke up with my long term boyfriend well over a year ago and since then, all the hope is gone to be replaced with hard cynicism!! A quick background of it was we got together, everything was going brilliantly, moved in together very quickly (we knew each other for yrs before getting together by the way) and I was never happier. I was wary to begin with going out with him because of the friendship but when we got together...well the romantic in me came out and I really thought this was it and so did he....He said he'd loved me for a long time when we were friends and played what I now believe to be a very convincing role to get me where he got me....
but then slowly ( or quickly Im not even sure now looking back, hindsight and all that!!!) it all turned bad!!!! The fighting started and I saw a side to him that I didnt know he had. He drank too much thinking back on it now and he seemed to be bitter about everything and everyone. He begrudged everyone everything including me. He was controlling and made me feel like I was in the wrong all the time, even down to who I talked to or was with when I wasnt with him. He knew me to be outgoing, bubbly, up for the laugh, talk to everyone and anyone back when we were friends ourselves...but when he "got me" it seemed he didnt want me to be the same anymore....he yelled and shouted, picking fights whenever he could, accusing me of hiding stuff, or not opening up to him enough, that I was a cold fish etc etc......it all went awful...
anyway, before you loose interest in this post!!! it all went horribly wrong and I ended up splitting up with him and moving out. It broke my heart to walk away from him because I did love him...
And since the break-up, it feels like I have turned into a pure cynic. I am over him and knew I was right to get away, but it feels like all the hope is gone from finding anyone nice or to sound naff "the one!" any time I go out, I am cold to anyone I meet or just have no interest and feel that there are no good men out there anymore. I just wish I could get the interest back in me to try but its like I've lost it. Ohhh I always get the whole "you are worrying too much", or "when u find the one, U'll know", but this is all from people who are in steady relationships and have no idea how horrible it is to be out in the single world nowadays.
Anyway, I dont really know what kind of advice Im looking for but if anyone has any opinions, or help for me, or has been in similar situations, please post to me, Ms Hopeless/Cynic

banquo

He was a long-term boyfriend, it's totally normal for a disappointing breakup with a long term partner to take time to heal!

Everyone can be cynical after a breakup - don't worry, love hasn't been spoiled for you forever!

beks101

brighteyed84 wrote: »

Hi all...
have no idea how horrible it is to be out in the single world nowadays.

This could be your problem right here. This sentence alone stinks of misery, sadness, bitterness, negativity, self-pity, anger....all kinds of bad feeling that people tend to avoid in their social interactions.

Now I'm not having a go - you sound lovely, and I can totally relate to your experience, it's very human. You met what turned out, quite deceptively, to be a dickhead, after you fell for his wonderful rhetoric in the early days hook, line and sinker. As a result you feel slighted, hopeless, pissed off, bitter and hard done by. Why WOULD you sign up for more of the same, it'd be a bloody stupid thing to do!

The thing is - your ex is ONE guy out of, what, a couple of MILLION guys out there you could potentially meet - and yes, there are lots more where that came from, but if you sit there with the long face and the 'FCUK OFF' demeanour, you're only increasing your chances of attracting more of the same. Negative energy attracts negative energy. Feeling crap about yourself breeds further crappiness in your life.

Think of the men you admire and respect in your life. Personally, I have a pretty special Dad who would do anything for me, a rake of deadly male friends who would beat anyone black and blue if they hurt me and a few great cousins and uncles who would rather die than treat a woman the way your ex treated you. Literally, they'd rather shoot themselves in the head.

Any time I've met another asshole du jour who seemed all shiny and lovely in the beginning and gave me a real case of the butterflies only to rip the heart out of my chest, I think of all the great men - as above - that I would be saying a big fat FCUK OFF to by shutting myself down and putting my guard up against the world.

Your ex was a big prick. But he was ONE GUY. And he was not THE guy for you.
So be bigger than that instinct in you that wants to give up on every man out there and be some big tough island of your own - that's not who you are and that's not the way to happiness. You don't grow and learn that way - you stagnate, you become more bitter; it's sulking for sulking's sake, and the only one who suffers is you.

And if I may revert back to this "horrible single world" thing once again. What's horrible about it? Take a different view. Laugh at the ****ty dates, use them as funny anecdotes to share over cheap wine with good friends. Get your hopes up and have them dashed again - that's life, it's going to happen, be it with men or jobs or friends or whatever. It's a good lesson. Use all the crappy behaviours and red flags you get from flaky men as another lesson to steer you away from that kind in future - your current ex probably counts for about five ****ty men - you're already streets ahead! Walk away when you get a bad feeling about someone, roll your eyes at the w@nkers who attempt to mistreat you - there's a lot of them out there.

But think, always - always - of the good men in your life. There's so many of them and all you have to do is meet one! And you will - if you actively drag yourself out of this little funk you've found yourself in and put yourself on the map again.