I lost my pet

LegacyUser

Over the summer I had to put my beloved and dear friend of 15 years to sleep. I know for some a pet is just an animal but to me he was the champion of my world, my best buddy and my companion. I knew it would be hard but it's three months on and the pain is still unbearable. My life feels completely empty without him. I am lonely beyond belief, worse than when I got divorced, It has sent me into a deep hole of depression and grief. I work a challenging job, have plenty of outside interests and friends and keep busy but the heaviness in my heart is overwhelming. Not a single day or even hour goes by that I don't think of him. My home doesn't feel like a home anymore, it is so quiet and lonesome without him. I know it will get easier with time but at the moment I am torturing myself with the whatifs, whatif id brought him to the vet earlier, whatif I'd paid more attention to the changes in character, why did i go on holidays and put him in kennels for a whole two weeks only a month before he was gone forever. I'd give anything to have him back for even just a minute. My heart is broken. I don't know what advice i'm looking for really I just need to reach out. My friends and family keep saying to get another one, like hes replaceable and this just fills me with rage. He was special, no other could replace him. Is this a normal reaction?

thegreatgonzo

What you are feeling is more common than people admit to. Of course it's normal to grieve deeply for your companion of 15 years. I lost my 15 year old cat last year and because I'm a veterinary nurse I accused myself of missing signs that he needed help. After a while though I realised that animals can only live so long despite all the love and care we give them and it's important to focus on the all the good things you did for them when they were alive. 15 is a big age for either a dog or a cat so I very much doubt that anything you did in his last few months had anything at all to do with his death.
Maybe there are extra circumstances in your own life that are making the grieving process harder for you but you shouldn't feel that nobody understands what you are feeling because many people feel an intense loss when they lose their animals. If you check out theralphsite.com they offer pet loss support which might help:-)

beks101

I know this probably sounds odd, but your post was heart-warming OP.
Pets are so special and your fella was clearly a very loved, lucky dog.
I have no advice for you, only to say that I know how much it sucks.
I lost a nineteen year old cat a few years back and honestly, with everything I'd been through in my life while she was around, it was almost like losing a little sister.
I still get sad when I come home to my parent's house and see the empty space where her basket used to be - all these years later I still get a visceral reaction to not seeing her mooching around the place!
It never fully goes away, but over time, like any grief, it becomes bearable and you come to appreciate and become truly grateful for the unconditional love and happiness your pet brought into your life.
Hang in there.

Meauldsegosha

OP my heart goes out to you. What you are going through is perfectly normal. You are grieving for a member of your family. Some people don't understand how much a pet can mean to somebody but they are a part of your life. You see them everyday, feed and care for them, love them and they give it back ten-fold.

I had to have my 13 year old terrier put down three years ago and it was a horrible decision to make. I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried myself to sleep for a few nights after he died. Like you people told me to get another but I couldn't do it. Then last year I decide to get a new dog. He'll never replace my terrier. He has his own temperament and mannerisms and I love him to bit.

Give yourself time to grieve, OP. Take care.

thefeatheredcat

I can't offer more comfort that what others have provided OP, but I do understand from down the years of dogs and cats and growing up with them, is that they're all individuals, with their own behaviours and personalities and ways of being. None are replaceable because of the individuals they are. When the time comes for a new companion, you won't be betraying the years you've had with your best friend, you'll be complementing the relationship that you had with them with extending it to include another companion.

Don't beat yourself up about what ifs.... even if you feel that it is perfectly justified, you don't deserve to be that hard on yourself. Sitting on the what ifs will harm you, often even if we had looked that bit harder, or noticed that bit more, or done something different, we might not have seen or noticed or made any difference. Sometimes there is nothing to find, nothing to notice and nothing different to have done. Sometimes it is just the way it is and there is every chance that had you done everything that you're doubting on differently, you still might be grieving, through no fault of anyone.

OP when I was 8 years old, a dog we had that was found (he was a stray my dad found near his work) and adopted had to be put down due to a kidney disease or something similar. It was at Easter time. And I can still remember him and how I felt at the time nearly 24 years later, remember the fun we had. Over the years, I've never forgotten him, nor have I other pets my family have had. You'll always remember your best friend, they were a part of your life for so long and you will always have those memories of all the good times. Cherish those memories and allow yourself to grieve.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your kind words, it helps a lot. And thank you GreatGonzo, I looked up that site and it is useful. I'm sorry to all of you who have lost loved ones too! I lost family pets when I was younger and it was tough but this has hurt me so much deeper, probably because it was just the two of us, we were a duo! Thank you all, your kind words mean so much, I was having a particularly bad day yesterday and you've all helped a lot.

Selfheal

Hi

Would you consider having some pet bereavement counselling? I read a while ago that is becoming quite common. I don't know what part of the country you are in but it might be worth a google. The article I read mentioned a counselling practice in Stillorgan if that's any help.

One of the saddest times in recent memory was when my dog of 10+ years finally died. He had been through more than most ever have; knocked down three times (he was very much his own dog), had an enlarged heart that amazed vets, and eventually caught arthritis in his only back leg, which was a casualty of the 2nd time he got knocked down. He died in his sleep in his bed, within which he was then buried. It took my parents a few years to get another dog.

There's nothing I can really say, but to just keep going. Eventually get another pet, but take your time.

meoklmrk91

I feel the exact same way OP, I love hanging out with my dog, doing things with my dog and just generally love my dog to pieces. He's like my best friend and son all in one, I know other people see dogs as just dogs but to me my dog is far more than that.

My boy is only 3 and I already dread the day I will have to say goodbye as I know that it will be one of the hardest things I will ever have to do. What you are feeling is completely normal, you are grieving for someone who was very close to your heart, just because that someone was furry and had 4 legs doesn't mean that that grief is any less real or important than someone grieving for a human.

Just let yourself feel what you have to feel, I know that may sound rather obvious but just let yourself grieve for as long as you need to without admonishing yourself because the someone you lost was a dog. You need to go through the grieving process just like anyone else who has lost someone. In your dark moments try to remember the good times and instead of being critical of yourself remember that you gave your dog a great life, ye had a great life together, don't let anything take away from that.

When the time is right you can think about bringing a new friend into your life, not to replace your dog, you could never do that but because you clearly are a dog lover and have a lot of love to give to a dog. Maybe consider fostering for a rescue, no lifelong commitment, but a lot of dogs in rescue have never known love and maybe it would be helpful for you to spend your time doing something good while having another doggy in your life, if only for a little while.

angeline

I do know how you feel OP as I went through the same thing. It was a horrendous time and I will never forget it. Only someone who knew me very well truly understood the pain I went through when my pet was knocked down and killed far too soon. It was the same bereavement as if a human had died. He was like a little person to me and I will never forget the devastation and will never forget him. However, I did get another rescue pet, not as a replacement for my lost pet, and I have over time grown to love this pet with all my heart. I do not know what I would do without her now. It does not mean I forget the pet I lost, he will always be a part of my heart, but I guess I am saying that you can grow to love another pet for the different qualities that pet will have and it does help eventually to ease the pain.

Stavro Mueller

Hi verysadman. I'm sorry for your troubles. I don't know what else I can add to this thread really but it touched a nerve with me. I'm an unashamed dog lover and I know that there are lots of people out there who simply don't *get* what the big deal is. I hope that the replies and thanks on this thread will help you in some small way. You're going through a bereavement and it'll take time to get over this horrendous loss. I would like to think that you took note of thegreatgonzo had to say. The only bad thing about dogs is that their lives are way too short Please don't beat yourself up over what you could've done. Your friend had a sell-by date and there's very little you could've done to change things. I'm not sure having him back for even one minute would help you either. I think it'd just re-break your heart because you'd have to say goodbye again.

It's a horribly insensitive thing to say but I hope that in time you feel up to getting another dog. You have a lot of love to give and you gave your dog a wonderful life. I hope that you find room in your heart for another dog to love. You'll never replace your pet but if the time comes I'm sure you'll make another pooch very very happy.

BacanBan

I know exactly how you feel. My best friend died last summer after 13 years and I can honestly say that I still haven't gotten over it. She was my best friend since I was 9, I used to joke that we were platonic life partners. Now, almost 18 months later I still cry over her. Not every day, but it's still there. Even writing about it still causes me to feel really sad.

I too tortured myself that there was more we could have done for her, but it took me a long time to realise that we did all we could. She got kidney disease and went into renal failure. It was such a horrible time but I don't focus on that, I focus on all the good years and fun we had. Everyone told us to get a new dog, in fact my aunt offered us one 2 days after she died. I was never as angry before and I don't think I have been since. My parents have since moved on and got another dog which caused me no end of anger as it was only after 6 months and it felt too soon. They say that the loneliness got too much for them and my dad missed having a dog around the house. I have nothing against the new dog, but it's not the same and I don't feel the same way about her. So I wouldn't rush into getting a new dog or beat yourself up over feeling angry I think it's normal and you're certainly not alone. You don't need to replace him, you just need to remember all the good times you had and in time, and it takes ages, you can have a good memory without feeling too sad. You'll never get over losing him, but what I feel is that your life is better for having known him as his life was made better by knowing you.

Shivers26

I understand. I was deeply heartbroken when my dog died almost 4 years ago and like you all the what ifs? Our other dog got so miserable without him. He was a great dog and I miss him still.

Time is a great healer though. We were asked to foster an absolute hopeless case a few months after Prince died and I guess she helped us because she needed so much work and love and attention. I'm not for one second suggesting you replace your dog but maybe consider fostering, just to help a dog out.

ShaShaBear

I totally feel for you OP. While my dog is still alive, he is in his elder years and has been there for me through rough times. When my dad passed, the love and affection that Shadow supplied got me through. When I was sad, he cheered me up, when I was lonely he was there for me, when I put on weight, he motivated me to get out of the house and do something about it. He helped me socialise, he listened to all of my problems, he never judged, he was always there with a cuddle when I went through some bad breakups.

It breaks my heart to think that, one day, the only thing I might ever be able to do for him that even comes close to all he has done for me is to end his life. It hurts even more to think that he might fight the inevitable just so I won't be hurt.

People will, and do suggest to get another dog. It might seem insensitive, but the mentality of thinking that getting another pet is a replacement for the old one is the issue here. Plenty of couples lose a child, and it doesn't stop them from having another one down the road. They don't see it as replacing the child they lost, but rather realising that they were good parents and have so much love to give that is going to waste.

You are a good dog-owner, and many a dog could benefit from being loved by someone like you. It doesn't mean you are replacing your old dog, it just means you have acknowledged that you have so much love to give and that there are other dogs out there who feel the same as you

castaway_lady

My heart absolutely goes out to you and I can totally empathise having been there before a few times and one particularly bad also. I know I never fully got over losing my little lassie either and still cry over her. It does get easier and the what-ifs and sadness lessen, even though the sadness never goes away. I couldnt even look at pics of her for years after losing her. And Id never felt this bad about losing relatives even. They are our best friends and family and never lose sight of the fact that your bud had a lovely life with you. Bereavement counselling is a good idea, I think in hindsight I probably should have done it.

tinkerbell

Oh god OP, my heart breaks for you. Of course this is a normal reaction - you have lost your best friend, a companion of 15 years. He was family to you. With time, it will get easier but it takes a long time to heal after such a loss. Don't be ashamed to grieve, it is perfectly natural. Big big hugs to you

Hownowcow

OP I am so sorry for your loss. I had my dog for seventeen years. My constant companion, the best thing about me. He was always there no matter what. I had to have him put down, I really should have done it earlier but I couldn't let him go. I held him in my arms as he was put to sleep. There is a hole in my heart ever since. I still think about him all the time all these years later. Sometimes I wake up thinking I hear him bark.

There are tears in my eyes as I write this. I don't think I ever got over the loss, I think I learned to live with it. Sometimes it catches up with me and I feel wretched. It's at these times that I've learned to think about the crazy mad things he used to do and eventually I smile and think about how lucky I was to have had him in my life.

I look at every dog I see on the street. The sight of a happy dog playing with his owner makes me feel good. I can't have a dog right now, due to the way I live and work, but I borrow friends and neighbours dogs and bring them for a walk. It's not the same as when I walked my own but it does give me a sense of wellbeing.

I don't have the words to make you feel better. My heart goes out to you.