Maintenance and dealing with the difficult Ex

superstepmom2b

Not sure where to start with this, new to boards but looking for some advice... If this should be on a different thread or there are similar threads please point me in the right direction thanks

Little bit of Background

My partner is currently going through a separation, I love this man dearly and he is a wonderful father to his child but his ex for want of a better discription is a vial witch. I know that sounds harsh but when you read on you'll understand.

He is an extremely trusting person and very easy going a great trait in any person. He was married for a few years had a child and then discovered his ex was having a long term affair, before, during and after they got married, the affair continued through the pregnancy and after the child was born. He was heart broken as you can understand but there was no going back from that.

During this time when life was bliss (not knowing what she had been up to) he cleared off 80% of the mortgage on their home with inheritance.

He wanted her to leave the home, she wouldnt and they spent a number of months living seperate lives in the house. 10 months later we met, during this time he had started engaging with a solicitor to start the seperation process. She found out and on a night he was with me (only 3 weeks into starting our relationship) she changed the locks on the door and dumped his belongings outside.

Since then he has been forced to live with family for a time, she has since then spread vicious lies about him and is playing the poor deserted wife, generally making his life hell, refusing access to his child when it suits her as it is the only thing she can control.

My partner continues to pay half the mortgage, rent and his bills and also gives her about 75 a week towards their child (is not school going age) and also pays half of adhoc things relating to his daughter such as playschool fees etc. He also covers the vhi etc

Whats the problem?

She is now taking him to court saying he is not paying enough (she also works full time). The whole situation is unbelievably unfair and his solicitor is horrendous.

My questions are (and please any man in a similar situation I would be interested to hear your experiences)

How is maintenance calculated? and what is taken into consideration. If there is something we could use to calculate maintenance it will give him a fair idea where he stands.

He is hoping to push through sale of the house (small mortgage left and quite a bit of equity in it ) through the court so he can start a life again. Is it likely this will not happen, do the courts take into consideration what she has done to cause the break down of the marriage. Reason I ask is that I feel he is being punished for something he hasnt done and this will continue to happen.

He loves his daughter and will always do right by her, but he also needs to have a life too.

In court will he have the opportunity to outline what she has done and continues to do?

Im sorry if the questions are a bit garbled, it just upsets me to see what she is doing to him yet she seems to come out on top.

Any help, advice greatly appreciated. Happy to answer any questions as best I can.

angelfire9

Where are you based OP?
If you are in Dublin I can recommend (by private message) an excellent solicitor to deal with this

campo

Courts will not care why marriage broke up , regards maintenance they will calculate his incomings against his outgoings but I believe max they award is 100e pw so 75e is could be on the low side plus there is a chance he may also have to pay spousal support.

His next step should be to get an access order done for child visitation etc

Hopefully it gets resolved amicably

Moonbeam

Is the child definitely his? with out being harsh she was having an affair.
He should not have to pay spousal support as she was not financially dependant on him.
He needs a good family law solicitor.

Karede

I wrote a long reply to this but it disappeared :mad:

The max child maintenance a court can order is €150 per week. €70 is about average but Ive seen it as low as €30. If there are creche fees he will also need to pay half of these.

He needs to bring a spreadsheet with his income and list of outgoings and the court will take this into consideration.

As they were married he automatically has joint guardianship, however if he thinks ex will be difficult with access he needs to apply to the court to have it formalized.

Good luck...its not a nice process.

Moonbeam

A court can order any amount of maintenance to be paid but The district court has a max of 150 per week.
http://www.courts.ie/Courts.ie/Library3.nsf/PageCurrent/B11AB02FEC1D7101802577EA00400AF8?opendocument&l=en

superstepmom2b

Thank you do much for your replies.

To answer done questions. Yes the child is his. When he discovered the affair he had a paternity rest done, an awful experience for him but thankfully she is.

The solicitor has solely been dealing with hers keeping it out of the court bit she mostly either does not stick to the arrangement, refuses access or insists she's brought back early. Unfortunately it's the only control she can exert over him as he will do anything to see his daughter. Really really infuriates me that she does this when she was the one who had the affair. All he is guilty of is moving on with his life. So she continues to punish him and their child.

As he has joint gaurdianship I'm guessing if taken to court he should now if not eventually be allowed to take her overnight?

Will definitely encourage him to seek better representation and in the mean time support him through it. Honestly I just don't understand women who do this aside from vindictively trying to hurt their ex the biggest loosers are the children caught in the middle.

wmpdd3

He can apply got 50% of the week and has a good chance of getting it if there isn't a valid reason for him not to get it.

Keep a log of the issues in a diary. Get a good solicitor.

Keep a paper tall of all payments made.

The Corinthian

First of all, get legal advice; a solicitor.

How family law seems to work in Ireland is that it is 40% law and 60% how the Judge feels on the day. As such, presenting a positive picture of yourself, or painting yourself as the wronged party is important, even if it's not legally relevant.

As such, while the only form of divorce is 'no-fault' (no one is at blame), her affair and her obstruction to access will all play against her and win him sympathy.

Log all incidences of obstruction to access or other incidences. Keep a paper trail of all payments and expenditure for the child or house. As he was married, he is automatically a legal guardian to his child.

Child maintenance is a maximum of €150 p.w. per each child and spousal/civil partner maintenance is a maximum of €500 p.w. if awarded by the District Court. Higher levels can be awarded by the Circuit Court and there is no maximum at the High Court. Given this, unless he's earning a lot higher than the average wage, it'll probably never go beyond the District Court.

She automatically has a claim on the house, as it is the 'family home'. Given this, courts will take into account the length of a marriage before considering division of assets. I've heard ten years to be the magic number, but I honestly can't say if there's any truth to this rule of thumb. As she's also paying mortgage, I suspect it'll be split between them.

Spend. By that I mean decrease disposable income and assets. Unfortunately, in Ireland the poor-mouth always gets the better deal.

If living rent free with parents or a girlfriend, move out and rent an apartment, with an extra room for the child. Lease a car. Inflate expenses. Loan money to family. Lose your job or take a pay cut. None of these are recommendations, btw, just ways that you can decrease your disposable income and assets. I can guarantee that she'll be doing stuff like this.

Nonetheless, don't do this too obviously as if his expenditure and bank account suddenly decrease by 70% just before he goes to court, they'll likely go through him for a short-cut.

This should minimize any maintenance he has to pay, especially given she is working full-time. He may even end up getting maintenance from her (but don't hold your breath).

Other than that, don't expect to come out of this smiling. Other than legal costs, Irish courts are infamously biased against men when it comes to their treatment. Additionally, she'll still be able to ignore access or guardianship rights much of the time, as courts are very hesitant to penalize custodial parents.

Neither will it be the end of it - she can, in theory, bring him to court at any stage to seek variances or a cut of his future earnings, for the rest of his life. Or hers. Or until she remarries.

The best you can hope for is that once this is dealt the first time, things will settle down, if not in an amicable fashion, at least a stable one.

Sleepy

The advice in The Corinthian's post is the best you'll get outside of professional legal advice. Take it.

Rawhide

Seen this thread and wanted to post my experiences but first of all I will set the scene. I was was married for 7 years and had 2 beautiful boys. The marriage broke down in 2003 and since then I have travelled 140 miles every other weekend to see my kids who are now 17 and 13. I also have paid 200 Sterling every week for almost 10 years. I am thankful to have a good relationship with my ex wife. In late 2004 I had a baby boy to my new partner. 18 months later I found out she was having an affair which resulted in a horrible breakup. She took our a restraining order from stopping me from going to our family home in order for her to move her new man in and she kept me from seeing my son until I forked out the maintenance. Long story short it ended up it court. I god joint guardianship and still see my son 2 evenings per week and every other weekend. I pay 70 euro a week maintenance and buy him clothes. I have done this for the last 7 years. Throughout that time his mother has given me nothing but trouble, always demanding more money, asking me to pay for this and that and texting week in week out for me to pay the money earlier. She has a drink problem which I know my money feeds. I feel sorry for my son at times. I went for full custody once and was very close to getting it that I pulled back as I felt it was wrong to take him off her.

I got married last year to a wonderful woman I have know for last 5 years, we have a beautiful son of our own now that is 3 months old but I am still pestered week in week out from this ex with her demanding texts, looking money, changing times to see my son, going on the piss and not being there when I drop him back. I have a very demanding job and between my 2 kids in the north and my 2 kids now in the south it gets difficult to juggle time and finances but I have kept it all going for the last almost 10 years but I don't know how much longer. I have suffered from severe depression during this time. I would also like to note that all payments I make for my children are of my own free will have have not been ordered by the courts.

Some advice would be great from anyone out there who can help.

The Corinthian

Rawhide wrote: »

I went for full custody once and was very close to getting it that I pulled back as I felt it was wrong to take him off her.

Why?

Rawhide

Her family made me feel guilty as did she. What prompted me to go for custody was I felt he was in danger from her drinking. It happened about 2 years ago. I went to court and the judge told her if she was in front of him again he would have no hesitation in awarding me full custody.

The Corinthian

Rawhide wrote: »

Her family made me feel guilty as did she. What prompted me to go for custody was I felt he was in danger from her drinking. It happened about 2 years ago. I went to court and the judge told her if she was in front of him again he would have no hesitation in awarding me full custody.

If she still has a drinking problem, as you've described in your last post, then it was a mistake to give in to that 'guilt' and you probably should go back to court for that custody.

Rawhide

I have tried to be the best father to all my kids and do what I have felt is best for them. I felt and still feel that removing him from his mother was wrong. She got a wake up call which settled her down a bit but she still makes my life extremely difficult despite me continuously seeing and providing for my son. Now my 3 month old son has been diagnosed with a brain disorder that has my wife and I both concerned. He will need a lot of support and the last tuning i need is this ex doing my nut in. I have explained all this to her but she thinks only of herself and her social life while I try to please everyone and end up exhausted in the end.

The Corinthian

Rawhide wrote: »

I felt and still feel that removing him from his mother was wrong. She got a wake up call which settled her down a bit but she still makes my life extremely difficult despite me continuously seeing and providing for my son.

Again why? Apparently she had a drinking problem, to the point that you believed that it was in his interests to take sole custody, and she still has this problem according to you. Maybe, you think she's a functional alcoholic now, which means that he's not in danger, hence you change of mind.

Otherwise I'm not entirely sure why you think removing him from his mother was wrong - removing a child from a harmful environment is actually the right thing to do.

Rawhide

I do not feel that he is at risk anymore. I continue to play an active part in my sons life. I haven't really got anything out of your comments other than criticism. I posted here thinking there was someone who could help me with my posted comments, apparently not.

The Corinthian

Rawhide wrote: »

I posted here thinking there was someone who could help me with my posted comments, apparently not.

You didn't seem to be looking for help, and certainly never asked for any, just venting. And I didn't criticize, only questioned you because what you wrote did not add up. I assure you, I am the first to help a father if he's in need of help.

With respect, if you don't like that, then don't post and no one will ever question you.

pwurple

The Corinthian wrote: »

You didn't seem to be looking for help, and certainly never asked for any, just venting.

You may have missed this in his first post....

Rawhide wrote: »

I have kept it all going for the last almost 10 years but I don't know how much longer. I have suffered from severe depression during this time.

Some advice would be great from anyone out there who can help.

The Corinthian

pwurple wrote: »

You may have missed this in his first post....

Fair enough, I stand corrected.

All I can advise though returns to the question of custody; if, as he claims, she is using the child as a weapon, then losing custody would effectively cause her to lose all power to harass him.

It would probably also cause here to lose the 'family home' (although not being married, he never explained how she got to keep it).

It's just another reason why I don't get why he backed out of taking custody, as it clearly would be in the child's interests in the long term.

Rawhide

We were renting and had our name down for a council house that we were both awarded and signed for together. I had planned to buy the house as our home. Instead she took a barring or protection order out against me to stop me going back in to our home so she could have her bit on the side there. In order to be able to go to the house and see my son I was forced to take my name off the house. It was either bricks and mortar or my son a hard choice but an easy one for me. I could go on about this things all night but I won't as it only depresses me even more. I'm not perfect, far from it, I have tried to be a good father to my kids at the expense of my health and other impacts. It's hard, but it is even more difficult with this ex constantly pushing my buttons with selfish demands and using my son to make me feel bad. I am married now, I have a 3 month old son who has an absence of the corpus collasum in his brain and a hole in the heart. I juggle work, helping at home, hospital visits, my son to this ex 2 evenings a week and every other weekend and my 2 boys in the north. In short, I'm exhausted but could do it all if it wasn't for the constant messing from this woman.

What are my choices? What would you do?

The Corinthian

Take custody or take 'it like a man' are your choices.

Custody is what gives her power. The power to harass you legally. The power to blackmail you without fear of legal retribution.

Of course I'm not advocating that you should have custody of your son simply because it'll stop her harassing and abusing you, but a judge was ready to take custody away from a mother and give it to the (unmarried) father - for that to happen, it really must be clearly not in his interests to be cared for by her as it is quite rare that a court would rule this way.

In the end you changed your mind; you felt guilty or decided that this was the shock that would cause her to mend her ways (given you're still complaining about her here, that clearly didn't happen). I hope you forgive me, but to me that doesn't add up; maybe you backed out because of some chauvinistic belief that a mothers should have custody or out of apprehension, as custody would have greatly disrupted your life and new marriage. Or some other reason - whatever it was, if an Irish court went so far as to offer me sole custody, I wouldn't turn it down, because they don't do that without far better reason than if the genders were turned.

So those are your choices. Take custody (which everybody seemed to agree was in your son's interests) or suck it up and stop whinging. There's lots of fathers out there who don't get that choice.

CurlySusie

If your ex has a drinking problem then I can assure you taking that child out of her care is the best thing u will ever do for that child. Stand up for your child!