Sister-in-law causing awkwardness

LegacyUser

apologies, i did not want to add to the other thread as although my issue is really similar its also a bit different...

long story short, my sister-in-law (married to my husbands brother) hates, my husband, myself and our 4 year old.

long story: when i first met her, she was all bubbly happy go lucky, in fact one thing she used always say was "we are going to have so much fun and be best friends, sharing everything the boys tell us and what they get up to", i was a biti taken aback by this and just continued to be polite and friendly but not overly friendly.

it started around the time i became pregnant, at first it was silly little things, like avoiding the boys parents house whenever we were there, or avoiding situations where she would have to see us, her husband not acknowledging his niece in any way shape or form, or rushing out of the house using very noticeably silly excuses on her sudden departure.


just as a point of info, she was going out with her husband for a few years before i met my husband, and was until i came along the only girl 'in the family' other than my mother-in-law.

when we got engaged, her and her (then boyfriend, now husband) told my husband they thought it was just a promise ring. they never congratulated us and if anything had less to do with us. i also found out through other people they had told all my in-laws i was bipolar even though i am not. im still to this day not sure who they told, or who still thinks i am?!? i don't know how to even broach it or if i should continue with what i am doing which is to ignore it and let them make their own mind up on me.

we weren't happy about this (my husband in particular missed his brother and was livid he was partaking in this slander of me)

they then started lying to us about pretty much everything, they told us they were engaged and the wedding was 3 days after ours, when in fact they had told everyone else the wedding was three months before ours,

almost like she wanted us to get upset so when they *bumped theirs in front of ours* we couldn't argue (funny thing is we were getting married because we wanted to so we wouldn't have cared that it was before ours, as long as it wasn't a financial burden on the boys relatives like having two in one week. especially considering having a joint wedding was out of the picture with the way she was with us)

we continued to ignore their behavior and hoped they'd forget about us and move on, when it came to their wedding, when the real date was finally made known to us, (3 months before) we received an invitation with a little hand written note saying "strictly no children allowed" (despite the fact her nieces and nephews and my husbands cousins were invited), my husband and i, the boys parents, and the boys uncle (who adores our child and is like another grandfather) were very upset by this specific exclusion.

my husband and i at this point asked them to sit down so we could discuss the issues like adults and resolve them so we could all enjoy both weddings, she refused citing she was afraid of me??? we still don't know why as obviously she avoids us,


in lieu of this desperate for a resolution my husband arranged for a get together for the two of them to sort this out without us girls present, he waited 3 hours for his brother, who while my husband was waiting tweeted out "what a lovely day to go for a cycle" or something along those lines, in the end my husband left and an hour after got a call from his mother saying his brother had arrived 'to talk'

in the end (last minute) we went to their wedding, my brother-in-law conceded that our child could go,
after this the sister-in-law's mother rang the brother-in-laws mother giving out how our child being their would 'ruin her day' the boys mother retaliated with it was both their day and if her son wanted his niece there she would be there.


and we all attended, while making sure we didn't get in her way in anyway.


at our wedding she wore the top of her wedding dress with a white skirt, again we ignored her (and the staff of the hotel asking us if we wanted them to ask her to leave) as i didn't want a fuss, and knew she was trying to cause trouble, and i enjoyed my day regardless of what she was wearing.

we haven't seen her in a year and a half and this week another brother was graduating, as always the boys parents were on at us over "this tension" and asking us to resolve it, after 4 years of this kind of crap my husband wants to move on he is happy to just be civil in their company, and not have anything else to do with his brother or his sister-in-law. i feel somewhat similar but somewhat sad that my child loses an uncle. but his parents keep asking us to 'let it go' and 'make friends' and we ourselves hate the awkwardness, we both like being left alone to do our own thing and hate conflict. they keep adding how "the boys were such good friends before the girls came along" and i know they blame me somewhat since it is only when i met my husband this 'tension' started, sometimes i feel so guilty like i ripped them apart. My family think she is jealous, of the fact we got engaged first, had the first grandchild..etc, and sometimes i think they may be right, but surely she'd have gotten over it now and stopped being so petty, this graduation meal was awkward with them at one end of the table and us at the other and not one word said (we said hello when she walked in but were ignored)

where do we go from here because we really don't want to go in circles with these people anymore? but i feel so torn.

Neyite

I think that you need to tell the parents that you have done all you could and that is the end of it. You will never be friends, so they need to stop pushing you in this. There has been so many olive branches offered by you and your husband its approaching deforestation at this stage.

You are now happy with the status quo. They are probably happier. The parents need to accept that you are not going to put yourself through any more stress and disharmony just so they can pretend that its all happy families.

silly

oh my god, that is awful! I cant believe she wore her wedding dress to your wedding!!!!
She sounds like a right nut job, it does sound like the fact that ye got engaged first is pissing them off.

I guess the only option is to try one more time to resolve it, txt her and ask her to call over for coffee and a chat, that the fighting has gone on too long, and you dont want your child to grow up without knowing her uncle.

If this doesnt work then at least you have tried.

Faith

The timeline is a bit confusing, but just to clarify, you got pregnant, had a baby, got engaged and then got married, yeah?

My immediate thought is that it's something to do with you having children. Perhaps she's infertile and really struggles with you having children? Her husband withdrawing from his niece suggests there's more to it than an issue with you. The 'no children' rule at the wedding (apparently only relating to your child) and your SIL's mother's distress is more indication of this. There's clearly some issue relating to your child/fertility. You say she was fine with you until you became pregnant.

Whatever it is, her behaviour is entirely irrational and is her issue. It will only be solved by her and I really think there's nothing you can do than, as you say, remain civil when necessary but limit contact with them as much as possible.

/edit: To elaborate, she may have asked her husband to withdraw from his niece because she might fear that he'll get too attached and start to want his own children too much?

A lot of guesswork there, of course.

TonyStark

Really feel bad for you what a horrible tale. Sounds like she is the one suffering with something. Best off to avoid her and her poor excuse for a husband like the plague. They probably only get off on causing a stir...to them they probably see nothing wrong with their behaviour. But are annoyed and jealous seeing people that can get on with life.

Having been in a slightly similar experience with some frenemys that arrived at our wedding trying to cause mischief. There is nothing more fulfilling than dropping them and boycotting family occasions where she will be present.

Life is much to precious and short to be dealing with the likes of her and her husband.

Big Bag of Chips

First thing I thought was she had an issue with you getting pregnant and of course stealing the limelight from her by sealing your position in the family.

You need to find out from your mother-in-law if she is also putting pressure on them to sort it out, or are they picking on you (pl) to sort it, because they know how unreasonable she is being.

Being honest, I would not have brought my child to the wedding. Not because I was told not to, but because 1 - it would have allowed me to relax better on the day and 2 - by questioning it you were playing into her hands of being a "drama queen" trying to "ruin her wedding day". But that's irrelevant!

There's nothing you can do about them. But you need to let your mother-in-law know that you've tried, and it gets you nowhere, and that you now have no choice but wait for them to come to you.

My uncle's wife hasn't spoken to my dad and 1 of his sisters for as long as I've known her. It doesn't cause awkwardness.. if anything, now that we are adults we get a bit of fun out of making a point of going up to her at family occassions and being super friendly with her! We have recently become friendly with our cousins, her children, and I'd say it kills her. My brother and her son, who are the same age, used to do the same activity for a while when they were kids (around 9 or 10) One day she collected her son, and my brother said "Oh! You're my aunty".. she turned on him, a 9/10 year old child and snarled "I'm no relation of yours".

Nobody knows what, if anything happened to make her decide to completely ignore 2 of her husband's 3 siblings, and all their kids, but we never felt like we were missing out on anything by not having a relationship with her. Although my uncle would always have spoken to us and visited us, just without her.

LittleRose

I have s-i-ls like that - I only have two but they have never gotten on with each other. I was friendly with both of them separately at the beginning (I am the last in) but they both, and I don't say this lightly, ruined my wedding day. They spent the day going around whispering in the MILs ear telling her that we were a disgrace and didn't make enough of her in the speeches. One of them even went so far as to try to get my own sister to pick a fight with me at the top table. They spent the whole day and night bitching about me to my husband's side of the family and succeeded in turning most of the family against us. Basically, most of the family fell out with us but we didn't realise it (thankfully) until a few days later. We had planned and paid for dinner and drinks for both families the next day but they all just scarpered off without even saying goodbye and we had to cancel it. The fallout was tremendous. I am not confrontational at all. None of the family spoke with us for over a year. MIL apologised eventually and profusely and we are back on track again. To this day, I still don't know what happened or why they are the way they are and hate me so much. They are both miserable in their respective marriages so maybe that has something to do with it. They are basically poisonous and toxic and I have been witness to them twisting words and embellishing the truth on a number of occasions so I haven't bothered trying to mend things with them, I'm just weaving a more complicated web. I've totally moved out of their sphere, only see them when I have to and am just civil at that. I never forget their kids for birthdays or Christmas but they have all but forgotten ours. Time and distance helps. Some people are just never happy with whatever you do and they're best left to their own devices.

Queen-Mise

silly wrote: »

oh my god, that is awful! I cant believe she wore her wedding dress to your wedding!!!!
She sounds like a right nut job, it does sound like the fact that ye got engaged first is pissing them off.

My SiL wanted to pay for me to have an abortion when I got accidentally pregnant with my son because she was supposed to have the first grandchild. She organised a family meeting as to what to do about my 'pregnancy'. Fair fcuks to the rest of the family, they laughed at her.
I could trade stories with you on insane SiL's. She organised a 30th birthday party for the husband, (my husband's brother), and didn't tell any of his family as she didn't want his family there.

As the first reply said OP, stop putting out the olive branch. You are at nothing, in this girl's head you are the devil-woman.

jdsk2006

So I'm really not the only one wit a nutty sister in law!!!! I can totally relate to your position, your hankering between not giving a flying monkeys for her and feeling sickened with all the bad air.

Can you give me a better idea of the views your parents in law hold on the situation? Did they stay neutral? What do they think of other daughter in law? Have they discussed it with them to get to the root of the issues?

LegacyUser

ok let me try answer some questions raised, apologies if i miss one,

silly wrote: »

oh my god, that is awful! I cant believe she wore her wedding dress to your wedding!!!!.

just to clarify it was the top of her wedding dress with a white skirt, but the effect was pretty much the same thing, either way, although it bugged me a little i have to say nothing or no-one could have ruined that day for me, and i still remember the best parts of it more clearly anyway, it was just mentioned as an example of the kind of 'stunts' for want of a better word she pulls.

Faith wrote: »

The timeline is a bit confusing, but just to clarify, you got pregnant, had a baby, got engaged and then got married, yeah?

Faith wrote: »

Yes that is how it all happened,
My immediate thought is that it's something to do with you having children. Perhaps she's infertile and really struggles with you having children? Her husband withdrawing from his niece suggests there's more to it than an issue with you. The 'no children' rule at the wedding (apparently only relating to your child) and your SIL's mother's distress is more indication of this. There's clearly some issue relating to your child/fertility. You say she was fine with you until you became pregnant.

Whatever it is, her behaviour is entirely irrational and is her issue. It will only be solved by her and I really think there's nothing you can do than, as you say, remain civil when necessary but limit contact with them as much as possible.

/edit: To elaborate, she may have asked her husband to withdraw from his niece because she might fear that he'll get too attached and start to want his own children too much?

A lot of guesswork there, of course.

i don't think this is her case at all to be honest, if she had fertility issues we'd hear about it, she plays the sympathy seeking card for most illnesses. as for him wanting children she has mentioned before that she wanted children, but her boyfriend at the time (now husband) passed it off by saying he would buy her a puppy. so if anything she wants him to want to have children.

jdsk2006 wrote: »

So I'm really not the only one wit a nutty sister in law!!!! I can totally relate to your position, your hankering between not giving a flying monkeys for her and feeling sickened with all the bad air.

Can you give me a better idea of the views your parents in law hold on the situation? Did they stay neutral? What do they think of other daughter in law? Have they discussed it with them to get to the root of the issues?

i think when you said

your hankering between not giving a flying monkeys for her and feeling sickened with all the bad air.

it kind of hits the proverbial nail on the head.

my parents in law are firmly on the "official line is we are sitting on the fence/staying neutral" side, but the do show preference for them. i know they used to be very fond of her especially the mother-in-law as she finally had a daughter figure, until this all started,

to be honest as she has been mostly avoiding us i don't know what their relationship is with her anymore, like us at the meal they were polite when she is around and talk to her, but i know they said they were very upset at her around the time of the weddings that they never expected this kind of behavior from her, in fact my mother-in-law was deeply hurt not only by her, but by the fact she got her mother to give out to my mother-in-law.

mostly as far as we know they could be getting the same speech. but then my mother in law does comment often how her "son isn't like this", and how "he wouldn't be doing these hurtful things if she didn't make him do them" but i don't buy that for one second as i believe everybody has personal responsibility for their own actions. and for all we know they could be saying the same about me,

either way i am going to encounter these two at every large family occasion from now on, i say large as we are constantly told how "such & such is only having a small party because of you know, the tension" so its no secret that there is something wrong, i guess sometimes we'd like to know what exactly is wrong since we don't know ourselves and nobody will tell us. hence the hankering between not giving a flying monkeys as it was put and feeling sickened with all the bad air.

DjangoMc

Hi OP.
As others have said it is definitely jealousy. You put out the proverbial "olive branch" and she said no. What did she want you to do, crawl on your hands and knees?

Your in-laws (or out-laws) need to put pressure on her to sort things out. She is the one with the problem.

One thing I will say, family are great at wading in when it suits them. I have a similar situation. My brother won't talk to me under any circumstances as I got married before him despite him being engaged before me. My new sister out-law in an out an out boot. One side of the family are all "you need to sort this out, you need to do this", despite it being brother & sister out-law problem. For about a year I did everything to try sort things out I even offered to give them the social welfare money I got for being my younger brother guardian (thats when other family told me not to)

I walked away from the drama of the pair of them and I haven't looked back. I will never look back. If I had of kept trying to appease these people I would have ended up in a psychiatric ward or worse.

As for the kids going to their, I would have just gone with their wishes. I had that rule at my wedding. The only kids where the flowergirls & page boy.

jdsk2006

Sounds like your inlaws are slightly afraid to offend her so they stay quiet!

I'm gonna be straight wit you here, i really think total estrangment is by far the healthiest option for you. The girl sounds like she is unstable!