Dating a pregnant girl

Gannicus

I am at a bit of a quandry at the moment. This girl who works in the café around the corner from my job is interesed in me. I'm not trying to be big headed the girl asked a workmate of mine (who she is friends with) if i am single.

She's quite good looking and I have a bit if banter with her whenever I go in. I go in about twice or three times a week. My workmate filled me in and asked if I like "café girl" and I told her I was thinking about maybe asking her out. My work mate said she'd defo say yes if I did and had told me that "café girl" had asked her about me.

So I had planned on going round on my lunch today and asking her out. I told my workmate this morning and she told me "café girl" is in fact 3 months pregnant and the father has pulled a runner back to Eastern Europe. Now to be fair I've seen my fair share or absentee fathers and thats not an issue for me but I don't know if I want to ask her out anymore because she is pregnant.

Am I being too shallow and/or a bit of an arseh0le by not wanting to get involved with a girl whos relatively early in her pregnancy?

Merkin

Big Steve wrote: »

Am I being too shallow and/or a bit of an arseh0le by not wanting to get involved with a girl whos relatively early in her pregnancy?

Eh, no. Not in the slightest, of course you're not shallow. If you get involved with her and it develops is it then assumed that you're the birthing partner or act as adoptive Dad to the child? It's way too complicated. She's just been abandoned by the father of the child too, it all sounds way too messy and you don't need those kind of complications so early on in a relationship.

Gannicus

I don't want to make the guy sound like a total b*st*rd.

From what my workmate said he broke up with her and ran off home before "café girl" knew she was pregnant and she hasn't been able to get in touch as his Irish mobile has been disconnected. They were'nt together very long either

Merkin

I think the details are incidental and not really relevant if you're not going to pursue this. I'd advise you to just stay clear as it sounds far too complicated.

ManOfMystery

Big Steve wrote: »

I don't want to make the guy sound like a total b*st*rd.

From what my workmate said he broke up with her and ran off home before "café girl" knew she was pregnant and she hasn't been able to get in touch as his Irish mobile has been disconnected. They were'nt together very long either

.... which means she may eventually get in touch with him, or he may get in touch with her .... and then he'll find out he's going to be a father. At which point, he may or may not come back here, and may want to be part of her life.

There's lots of possible scenarios here, but most of them sound messy and complicated for you. She's a lovely girl I'm sure, but one way or another she is coming with some baggage. You have no history with her other than some mild flirting, I'm sure there's plenty of equally nice girls out there who you could go out with and avoid any potential complications.

On a separate note however - are you sure she IS pregnant and your workmate isn't just repeating a rumour?

Honey-ec

I absolutely wouldn't judge you for changing your mind about this girl given what you've found out. The last thing you need is to be placed in the role of surrogate father to this baby. She sounds like a bit of a car crash, tbh.

1. Doesn't sound like she's single very long at all. Even taking the pregnancy out of the equation, I'd be immediately questioning whether she's on the rebound.

2. Wasn't with the boyfriend very long, but ended up pregnant. Ok, accidents happen, but I would definitely be very wary that she's just looking for a surrogate dad now. I can't imagine any of the women I know who'd be remotely interested in dating if they found themselves in her position.

3. Even if you don't mind either of the points raised above, be realistic here for a minute. Are you honestly going to still fancy this girl once she's a few months into a pregnancy with someone else's baby? Or will you lose interest once she starts showing? Because regardless of her behaviour/decision-making up to now (which, admittedly, is speculation on my part), the last thing she's going to need is another man walking out on her while she's pregnant.

I think you're both mad to even be considering this, tbh.

wallycharlo

OP, my own opinion would be to stay well away from getting invovled with this girl. Major potential for problems down the line ...

Big Bag of Chips

Big Steve wrote: »

I being too shallow and/or a bit of an arseh0le by not wanting to get involved with a girl whos relatively early in her pregnancy?

It's a personal thing. It would bother some people, but wouldn't be an issue for others.

Can I ask though, nowhere do you mention that you like her or had been considering asking her out, so... Do you like her and were you thinking of asking her out before your colleague got involved?

It sounds like your colleague is being a busybody, trying to be matchmaker, when neither party has really asked them to be.

In the bit I quoted above you have already said you don't want to go out with someone who is in the early stages of pregnancy, so why do you feel you should ask her out? Because your colleague is trying to set you up? Tell your colleague to back off and that you can sort out your own love life!

Gannicus

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Can I ask though, nowhere do you mention that you like her or had been considering asking her out, so... Do you like her and were you thinking of asking her out before your colleague got involved?

Yes I did/do like the girl and I thought about it but I didn't think she'd be interested in going out sometime.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

It sounds like your colleague is being a busybody, trying to be matchmaker, when neither party has really asked them to be.

Bit Harsh. I went for lunch with my workmate to the café and "café girl" saw us having lunch and the two of them are friends so she asked my workmate about me. I wouldn't call her a busybody.

Part of me is glad me workmate is involved as she is the one who told me that café girl is pregnant. I think things would have been a bit messier if I had started seeing the girl only to find out she was pregnant 3 months before we started dating AND then I didn't want to be with her anymore.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

In the bit I quoted above you have already said you don't want to go out with someone who is in the early stages of pregnancy, so why do you feel you should ask her out? Because your colleague is trying to set you up? Tell your colleague to back off and that you can sort out your own love life!

That's not it at all. I felt I was being shallow and a bit of a d!ck for not wanting to ask her out anymore when I found out she was pregnant.

Part of me is glad my workmate was involved as I think things would have been messier if I stated seeing the girl and then found out she was 3 months pregnant before we started seeing each other AND THEN I didn't want to be with her anymore

Big Bag of Chips

Ok, sorry if I picked some of your post up wrong. You never said that your workmate and this girl were friends, or it wasn't too clear if you were interested in her before your workmate mentioned it to you.

Look, going on a date with this girl wouldn't be the end of the world.. but you need to he thinking long term.. if you DO get together properly, she is not going to be pregnant forever and in 6 months time she will have a baby.

If things aren't working at that stage would you feel bad finishing with her around that time?

It might work out, and you 2 could be very happy, but I get the feeling your workmate/her friend is trying to set her up with someone to "cheer her up" after finding out she's pregnant and has no way, yet, of contacting the dad.

Again, you are the only one who can decide, and it's not a shallow reason. But you shouldn't feel bad/be made feel bad for not asking this girl out.

Gannicus

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

...she is not going to be pregnant forever and in 6 months time she will have a baby.

If things aren't working at that stage would you feel bad finishing with her around that time?.

I honestly could't say

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Again, you are the only one who can decide, and it's not a shallow reason. But you shouldn't feel bad/be made feel bad for not asking this girl out.

Nobody is making me feel bad. Hell I told my mate and she said that she had a feeling if i knew I wouldn't want to go ot with her and thats why she told me.

Big Bag of Chips

Big Steve wrote: »

Nobody is making me feel bad. Hell I told my mate and she said that she had a feeling if i knew I wouldn't want to go ot with her and thats why she told me.

So what are you looking for from the thread?

It's your decision. You are the only one who can decide.

Is your question "do others think you are shallow for not wanting to go out with her"? So what of they do. It's nobody else's business how YOU feel about something. If people say you ARE shallow, will that make you ask her out, even though you don't really want to?

Anyway, at this stage I'm out... I'm obviously not contributing anything of relevance to your query, so I'll leave you be!

Gannicus

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

So what are you looking for from the thread?

It's your decision. You are the only one who can decide.

I suppose I was looking for validation that I wasn't being shallow to help clear my conscience as I was feeling guilty for now wanting to ask her out anymore.

Floppybits

Big Steve wrote: »

I suppose I was looking for validation that I wasn't being shallow to help clear my conscience as I was feeling guilty for now wanting to ask her out anymore.

Big Steve, I dont think you are being shallow, Its not like you are having second thoughts because of her hair colour or because her nails are too long or too short or something trivial like that.

Matteroffact

Big Steve wrote: »

Am I being too shallow and/or a bit of an arseh0le by not wanting to get involved with a girl whos relatively early in her pregnancy?

No, you are not being shallow, just sensible.

The Princess Bride

Hi OP.
She might be the nicest person in the world, and I'd hate to be judging her in the wrong.
But.
If I was 3 months pregnant, and the father was absent?
The last thing I'd be looking for would be a new relationship.
Friends, absolutely, a new boyfriend? No way.
That's just too complicated.

You don't come across as shallow, by the way-just sensible.

dellas1979

Its not shallow.

Youve to think of yourself, ya know? Thats not shallow. Thats called doing the right thing, for you.

Why dont you become friendly with her, get to know her, and maybe sometime if the time is right, who knows!

December2012

I don't think you're shallow by reconsidering asking the girl out for a date.

However, if you like her, what's the harm in going out for dinner and getting to know each other? You don't have to think of six months down the line, you're only at the dating stage,

Virgil°

It could only have been a handful of weeks ago where she found herself pregnant knowing that she was most likely gonna be a single mum.

And shes already throwing herself back into the dating scene? Shes obviously entitled to do as she wishes. But there's something amiss there IMO.

clairefontaine

Being pregnant doesnt stop you from being human and wanting companionship. It must be very lonely.

Op do what you want, it's better not to if you have reservations and you think it will lead to inevitable let down for both of you.

LegacyUser

My advice to you is not to get involved with this girl.
You have found out that she is 3 months pregnant and the father of the child has left the country. Meanwhile she seems to want to get involved with another man.

The above is very messy. Maybe she wants to get involved with a man so that her ex will hear about him via his/her friends?
What happens if he comes back to Ireland and finds her with another man?
Prehaps she could see that getting a boyfriend now will give her support over the next few months and then help her pay the bills at a later date?
Also if you get involved with her people will think you are the father of her child.

Your not been mean in this situation but you are using your common sense.
Some times we find out information about people we like and realise that we are better off not getting involved with them.
Just be thinkful you found out now rather than getting involved with her.

stargazer 68

OP I have to agree with the others. Don't get involved. This girl has bigger priorities at the moment and dating is not one of them. Read all the threads on here from young men (and women) dating people with young children and the trouble it can cause and she hasn't even had the baby yet.

The Corinthian

Big Steve wrote: »

Am I being too shallow and/or a bit of an arseh0le by not wanting to get involved with a girl whos relatively early in her pregnancy?

No, and you may be doing her a favour. People in such situations will often jump into relationships for all the wrong reasons and regret it afterwords - rebounds most commonly. It would be as bad an idea for her to get involved with you as you with her, at present.

As others have said, you're being sensible.

Santa Cruz

One night out might be worth a go just to see is she serious or just taking advantage of you

JenEffy

You're definitely not shallow. I can't imagine why anyone would get involved with someone who's pregnant with someone else's child. I think that would be insane.

ShaShaBear

As someone mentioned above:

OP, are you sure she is pregnant?
It's not exactly the sort of information that is "work colleague's" place to divulge to you. Especially not the details of the father.

Is it possible that your work colleague is trying to jeopardise the potential new relationship because she is interested in you herself?
I know it might sound far-fetched, perhaps she agreed to talk to you for her friend, and didn't think you would be interested, and felt jealous when you said you were. Obviously you wouldn't go and tell Café Girl that you don't want to see her because she is pregnant, so she would never be aware of the lie.

It seems very unusual that she has just found out she is pregnant, 12 weeks is three missed periods - any normal woman would have become suspicious after the first. You don't know if the father is going to re-appear on the scene, which he would be entitled to do. In the coming weeks, things like socialising and mobility will become a different thing for this girl if she is in fact pregnant, and I find it hard to believe that she has coaxed her friend and your colleague to organising a date when she knows right well she can't go out for drinks, will get bigger, possibly sick, less interested in sex, less able to get about without help and many other things.

It really does seem to me like your work colleague is interfering because she didn't like the response she got.