New Guy

xXLaneyXx

Hi All,

Looking for a bit of advice here.
Met a guy recently and we seemed to hit it of straight away and had lots to talk about but after about a week I began to realise how pessimistic he is and maybe somewhat needy.

He had 2 bad experiences with girls before who cheated on him but he seems to bring it up ALL the time. He come's out with things like " Oh things never worked out for me before, so they probably wont this time either" or " I've been good to girls in the past but its always thrown back in my face"..and so on. Everytime we talk these things keep coming up over and over again and tbh It's begining to really bug me.

It seems like he wants me to feel sorry for him all the time and reassure him that it won't happen this time.

Now I've been cheated on in the past and yes it was hard but I do not dwell on it and never look back.
Even in his texts he drops things in and its really dulls the mood. I did sympathise with him at the beginning but there's only so much I can say.

This is supposed to be the beginning of something which i hoped would be fun and exciting.... Its the complete opposite.:(

What do I do?? Tell him to stop bringing up his past??

wirelessdude01

xXLaneyXx wrote: »

Tell him to stop bringing up his past??

Do exactly that. Nothing to do with ye and the here and now. Only reason my past is mentioned is because it is a somewhat part of the current as I own a house with my ex. Past issues with exes should be left in the past.

Taltos

I would be tempted to go even further "sorry but it's not working out - clearly you cannot commit to this relationship while the old ones have you so firmly in their grasp. When you are ready maybe contact me, but for now I am not here to be your own personal therapist!"

Might cause him to wake up - but the last thing you need is a "fixer-upper" who has issues...

Merkin

He really doesn't sound at all ready for a relationship. He's got enough baggage to fill an arrivals hall and you're meant to be the girl he is dating, not his mental health nurse. If you do decide not to proceed any further I would be very explicit in your reasons why you've decided not to proceed.

Obliq

I'm with all the above comments on this OP. What you may have there is a fella who (possibly without knowing it himself) is using emotional blackmail to try and get you to stay with him. I say he might not know this, because that kind of carry on usually has the opposite effect of making people run a mile and if he'd thought about it, might have kept his mouth firmly shut on all the baggage. I think you're dead right to be suspicious, as anyone who holds potential relationship disappointment over your head as a way to fish for the guarantee of a future, has an unpleasant/controlling agenda IMO.

I remember meeting a fella I went out with a few times and by our 3rd date had filled me in on exactly how let down he felt by previous women, and how if this (with me) didn't work out then he might as well leave the country as there'd be nothing to keep him here and too many memories of disappointments. Needless to say, I read between the lines and asked him where he was moving to.

ahnow

It sounds like he's trying to sabotage this relationship, although he may not even realise he's doing it consciously. He's been let down before so he expects it to happen again, so he's behaving in a way where it is likely to happen again, and therefore his original feelings are actualised! So his life-view that he'll be let down is continually enforced.
I would definately say it to him, maybe he'll change, but from what you've said he seems to be "playing the victim", he might not be ready to give up being happy in his own misery just yet.

Frank Black

xXLaneyXx wrote: »

but after about a week I began to realise how pessimistic he is and maybe somewhat needy.

This is supposed to be the beginning of something which i hoped would be fun and exciting.... Its the complete opposite.:(

Sorry to be brutal, but if he's annoying you after a week - it's not going to work out.

Break up with him, but tell him honestly the reason why - maybe he'll learn to change his behaviour in the future.

xXLaneyXx

Obliq wrote: »

I remember meeting a fella I went out with a few times and by our 3rd date had filled me in on exactly how let down he felt by previous women, and how if this (with me) didn't work out then he might as well leave the country as there'd be nothing to keep him here and too many memories of disappointments. Needless to say, I read between the lines and asked him where he was moving to.

This is EXACTLY what this guy said to me.. he'd leave and head away if it didnt work out this time!! What??!!!!

I also received a text that was meant for someone else supposedly.

Text read " PLease leave me alone, I dont want to talk to you, I've met someone else and im really happy and I dont want anything to ruin it"

I was suspicious! straight away a message came through explaing that it was an ex hassling him and he was never getting abck with her because she ruined his life!

I didnt reply until the next day. Just said No worries.

I totally belive the message WAS meant for me and that it was another guilt trip attempt.

xXLaneyXx

Taltos wrote: »

I would be tempted to go even further "sorry but it's not working out - clearly you cannot commit to this relationship while the old ones have you so firmly in their grasp. When you are ready maybe contact me, but for now I am not here to be your own personal therapist!"

Might cause him to wake up - but the last thing you need is a "fixer-upper" who has issues...

Im definatley not a Fixer upper.. I tend to look on the brighter side of life as much as possible and have not let any past dealings with ex's hold me back.
I do not want to have to spend my time reassuring someone that everything will be ok when its only the dating stage..

I cant promise anything..I just want to see how things go..

heretochat

Sounds to me that he has very little interest in you or a relationship at all in fact and comes across as very immature..

I would go further and say that my impression is that he is trying to make you dump him..

But that is based on nothing but instinct

Obliq

xXLaneyXx wrote: »

I cant promise anything..I just want to see how things go..

Hmm, are you not seeing how it's going already?! This is not a healthy start for an enjoyable relationship! But I know I thought I could "fix" other people's problems when I was younger....if only I gave them time and love ;-) Silly me!!

xXLaneyXx

Obliq wrote: »

Hmm, are you not seeing how it's going already?! This is not a healthy start for an enjoyable relationship! But I know I thought I could "fix" other people's problems when I was younger....if only I gave them time and love ;-) Silly me!!

Thanks Oblique..

I think I do know, hoestly its not really going anywhere. I havent even had an urge to text him or call today. Maybe this is somewhat mean but I cant be bothered dealing with someone who has issues like that bringing me down with them!
He reckons im an ice queen in regards to things I've said past relationships but they are PAST relationships and i dont let them annoy me nor do I think about how hurt I was.

Look to the future and go for it is more my thinking!

Obliq

xXLaneyXx wrote: »

Thanks Oblique..

I think I do know, hoestly its not really going anywhere. I havent even had an urge to text him or call today. Maybe this is somewhat mean but I cant be bothered dealing with someone who has issues like that bringing me down with them!
He reckons im an ice queen in regards to things I've said past relationships but they are PAST relationships and i dont let them annoy me nor do I think about how hurt I was.

Look to the future and go for it is more my thinking!

Sounds like a plan - go for it! Without someone who calls you an ice queen when he doesn't like what he hears! Again with the wanting you to feel something that you clearly know you don't want to feel....

And no, it is NOT mean to not want to take on someone else's issues. It is sensible (if only I'd had the sense on a few occassions!) and it is knowing that you are being/will be brought down, and knowing that you want something different than that. You're doing him a favour by knowing he is wrong for you. Don't ever forget you can't change people.....they have to do it, eh?

Tell him why you're not taking him on, if you can...stop him hanging on for more ;-)

chubnut

"This is supposed to be the beginning of something which i hoped would be fun and exciting.... Its the complete opposite"

Seems you've answered your own question sweetie. All relationships start out with a high expectation but its only the minority that work out. You're not happy, move on.

littleblackDRS

I don't even understand what the issue is here, he's clearly not ready for a relationship, he's not over what's happened to him in the past. You've only known him a week. You're already seeing the cracks. It'd be crazy to not end it now.

Semele

I dated a guy for a few weeks who sounds exactly like that. I made no secret of how I felt it was much too soon for him to be talking like that about me being different to the rest, how he really saw a future this time etc etc, but to no avail. I told him after 3 weeks I didn't see it going anywhere and my god I have never seen such hysterics from anyone! I got accused of everything under the sun...apparently I owed him something because I knew how badly he'd been treated by women before Saying that, all of his whinging made sense in retrospect, as his entitled behaviour was so unattractive that I found myself having to be harsh cos he was not taking no for an answer. Lesson to be learned: no-one is unfortunate enough to be screwed over as many times as he would have you believe. He's the common denominator...