I'm confused on how I feel :(

Pippy28

I don't really no were to start but here's the basics.. I have been in a relationship for 11years I'm only 28 so we have been together since our teens.
After 5 yrs we had a child then bought a house and a year later had another child.
WE put huge pressure on our relationship we done so much so young so quick but they we're the choices WE MADE.
When I was pregnant on our second child I had found out my partner cheated on me but then lied and lied and dinied it.
I then had our second child 6 weeks early 2 weeks after i found out about his infidelity and we worked threw our problems bearing in mind I was made out to be slightly mad because of my accusations and made me feel guilty ECt because he still denied anything happened as they were just friends and friendly texts but you no when your gut nos.
he was very unhelpful and to be honest awful after we had our 2nd child constantly rude would ptu me down never helped with the children days off before work after work he would just play a computer game and give me us our family no time when our child was 7 mths old he admitted when he was intoxicated that he did cheat but only said he kissed her which I still donot believe.
Ok so that's the background of my story it's now 3 1/2 years later and we have got passed all thats happened or the question I find myself asking is are we....I resent him and a lot of the time really dislike the person he was and sometimes can still be but he's now a great dad a good partner in the whole but I just don't no if I love him anymore and really don't no what to do how do u no when we argue I'm constantly wanting to leave him I was NEVER like this it's like I am trying to escape him without it been my fault but again I tend to take a lot of blame for things and I do feel he is very unsupportive defiantly not my best friend and most definitely donot think he is my soul mate I'm really confused because when he is nice and taken part in our family and been supportive I can see myself growing old with him.
Sorry I no this is long and confusing but that's it I am just CONFUSED

Taltos

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Pippy28

I have edited hope this is more clear x

Merkin

Have you actually sat down together and established whether you both want to continue with the relationship? Continuing on with a toxic and loveless relationship "for the sake of the children" is never ever a good idea.

Both of my sister in law's parents broke up when the kids were ready for University and both of them say it would have been much kinder for all parties to break up when the relationship was irreparable rather than inflict a sham marriage on the entire family.

You will actually be better parents if you are both happy - even if that means being apart.

Why don't you have that chat with your partner?

Pippy28

Merkin I have tried and tried but honestly he is like a child.
An adult conversation of I'm really not happy my response would be "that's your problem"
I think the bigger issue for me is that he is a very very rude obnoxious person and would not care whom he should it in front of even my mum which I find hugely disrespectful.Im quite a strong minded person and for me to find myself in this situation is very out character for me I would genuinely have a lot of confidence until it comes to us arguing I'm a blubbering mess and just HATE it.Himself and my brother would be good friends and for my brother to say its not like yous hate each other it's more like yous don't really like each other he does plenty for ur home financially helping around the house relationship with the kids but with me and him NOTHING .
So I am afraid of finishing and my life would be back in mums on social welfare and really haven a crappy day to day life with no space were as my general life is good but my relationship is **** and I don't no which is the best to have my fear is definitely more for 10yrs time when my children are grown up

Merkin

It sounds like a dead duck really - there seems to be very little mutual respect or love.

Have you thought about couples counselling? Even just to confirm that there's no love there anymore, it all sounds rather stagnant currently. Staying with him because you like the lifestyle he affords you isn't really a good enough reason to stay with someone you don't even like. And why do you have to go on social welfare. Would you not think about going out and getting a job?

Pippy28

That's sounded very like I rely on him financially it didn't mean to come across that way I have always worked full time until our children startd school and we live about fourth mins from our family so paying childcare petrol parking for me working was working out costing us money before our children started school I could drop children to mams before work but my other half was insisting he wanted them schooled in our area in which I understand end but paying minders was too costly so we decided it would be best if I stayed home..
When buying our house I put full deposit fwd and money has never been an issue between us we were both flush or both broke complete 50/50 now Im minding children part time in my house so if I leave I have no job as mams is so far away.
Neither of us can afford the morg alone and would have to rent our home out as we are in about 130,000 negative equity x

Pippy28

Maybe you right maybe it is a dead duck I just don't no he is the one who insists he feels noone of this and does not see we're I'm coming from he COMPLETETLY refused counselling yet he goes around our home so miserable and rude and never ever wants to do anything and this is we're the confusion sets in..
Am I reading to much into it?
Anyone who nos us would always comment at the fact he would never attend functions ect and if he does can be the happiest person in the room or very rude.
His mother would stress and worry when she sees his behaviour because she nos how it will end as it did in her own marriage and my point is I don't want to be single r my kids to how up without him by there side but I don't wanto to be 45 and alone..
I suppose only I could decide I just needed an outsiders opinion

strobe

Pippy28 wrote: »

I don't really no were to start but here's the basics.. I have been in a relationship for 11years I'm only 28 so we have been together since our teens.
After 5 yrs we had a child then bought a house and a year later had another child.
WE put huge pressure on our relationship we done so much so young so quick but they we're the choices WE MADE.
When I was pregnant on our second child I had found out my partner cheated on me but then lied and lied and dinied it.
I then had our second child 6 weeks early 2 weeks after i found out about his infidelity and we worked threw our problems bearing in mind I was made out to be slightly mad because of my accusations and made me feel guilty ECt because he still denied anything happened as they were just friends and friendly texts but you no when your gut nos.
he was very unhelpful and to be honest awful after we had our 2nd child constantly rude would ptu me down never helped with the children days off before work after work he would just play a computer game and give me us our family no time when our child was 7 mths old he admitted when he was intoxicated that he did cheat but only said he kissed her which I still donot believe.
Ok so that's the background of my story it's now 3 1/2 years later and we have got passed all thats happened or the question I find myself asking is are we....I resent him and a lot of the time really dislike the person he was and sometimes can still be but he's now a great dad a good partner in the whole but I just don't no if I love him anymore and really don't no what to do how do u no when we argue I'm constantly wanting to leave him I was NEVER like this it's like I am trying to escape him without it been my fault but again I tend to take a lot of blame for things and I do feel he is very unsupportive defiantly not my best friend and most definitely donot think he is my soul mate I'm really confused because when he is nice and taken part in our family and been supportive I can see myself growing old with him.
Sorry I no this is long and confusing but that's it I am just CONFUSED

Either you forgive him for cheating oryou don't.

It sounds like you've forgiven him in words(if even that) but not in spirit.

You can't claim to forgive someone for something and then continue to hold it against them. It doesn't work like that.

It doesn't sound like his behaviour is borne of nothing. If my wife was walking around resenting me I'd probably find myself quite moody too.

Forgive him or end the relationship. You can't have it both ways.

Nymeria

I disagree with the previous poster...you don't have to just forgive and forget just because a certain amount of time has passed.

PP, of course she resents him, he cheated on her, failed to take responsibility and she is just supposed to pretend as if it never happened??!

OP, it sounds like at the time you found out about the infidelity you were trying to cope with young children and did everything you could to keep your family together. Maybe at the time it was the best you could do, but you are seeing things a bit more clearly now, and maybe you don't just want to put up and shut up.

Possibly you thought it would all just go away if you ignored it moved on with your lives. You got together quite young, and you have probably outgrown him and his selfish ways. There is nothing wrong with making a new life for your and your children, he can still be a good father to them if you two are separated.

If I were you I would start to think abuot making plans for yourself and your kids. It may take a few years to sort everything out, but can you honestly imagine spending the next 50 years with this man, who has lied and disrespected you, who has broken your trust.
He will always be your childrens father, that does not mean you are obliged to stay with him.

Think about the life that you want for yourself when your children are a bit older and aren't so dependent. Life is too short to be miserable.

good luck.

strobe

No of course she doesn't have to forgive and forget. Like I said, she could alternatively end the relationship. But those are the two options. No point in pussyfooting around it. Staying together while holding it against him and seething with resentment but expecting things to somehow be happy families just isn't realistic.

Pippy28

Thank you guys for ur input I really appreciate it..see the problem is I have forgiven him for cheating I'm a realist I get things mistakes happen esp with a drink on you not that I've done it but I've seen friends regret things and when it's a genuine mistake and u feel guilty after but what gets me is how he treated me that I can't forgive him for and the reason I can't is because he never gave me any reason too never owned up for how I feel he bullied me at the most stressful exhausting time of our lives n he let me go it alone now I do still hold that and wish I could let it go but I can't..
Honestly it may not sound like it but I love him but I don't see my future with him I no longer believe he is good enough for me (because of how he can treat me)
So my dilemma...
Hard working man shift work he now has a great relationship with our children a family home would give me anything he could but love and affection support and want to spend time with me except infront of a telivision (which he wont admit and just makes exscuses all the time)were in a financial position if we split neither of us can afford our home alone so we would have to rent it out to pay our morg.
So I take our children's home his home his relationship with them because of shift work I tear his and our children's life assunder because I'm no longer happy and resent him for what he's done.
I'm not happy
I'm not miserable.
So do I make my family miserable for my happiness (IT'S TOUGH

Pippy28

Nymeria
OP, it sounds like at the time you found out about the infidelity you were trying to cope with young children and did everything you could to keep your family together. Maybe at the time it was the best you could do, but you are seeing things a bit more clearly now, and maybe you don't just want to put up and shut up.

You hit email on the head here x

Pippy28

Strobe I see your point and I wish things were just so black and white because then I wouldn't be in this position

Merkin

I think you're just going to go around in circles in this thread Pippy. You're obviously confused but you really need to address the future of your relationship with your partner and not people on the internet. You really need to talk to him about this and from there you can invoke the help of a mediator or counsellor in order to decide what's best to do with regards to living arrangements etc.

Pippy28

Obviously that's why my heading states CONFUSED!!