Worried about how asocial I'm becoming

LegacyUser

I just want some advice. I'm not sure if I'm depressed or have developed some anxiety condition or what. I'm a fairly positive person, I feel quite happy and I am positive that the future is going to be rosy for me, but I feel like I'm becoming kind of weird. My problem is how anti-social I'm becoming. It's been getting worse over the years, and I'm just wondering if it's some form of anxiety or something.

I'm studying over in the UK for the past 4 years, in my late 20s now and I return to Ireland for holidays and hope to return for good next summer. I'm not shy and I do enjoy socialising, have a large network of friends from very close friends to groups of friends I've known for years that I would still socialise with back home. I also have a girlfriend who I met at the beginning of the summer in Ireland and we're very much in love, in contact daily and visits over and back to each other.

I spent a year abroad last year as part of my research, and although I met many people from all over the world and got quite friendly with some, I found that I didn't push myself to the extent that I became particularly close to any of them. Now that I've returned, I doubt I'll ever see any of them again. When I was away, I was living with 7 other people in a student flat but I made no effort with them as they weren't part of my course. When I wasn't studying, travelling or meeting the friends I did have, I spent large amounts of time in my room alone. Quite often towards the end of my time there, I would spend nights in with a bottle of wine watching movies or whatnot, instead of socialising.

When I was working back in Ireland during the summer, I ended up living in close proximity to my friends, the first time I would spend such a length of time in the same place as them in about 5 years. However, instead of spending as much time as possible with them, (I was receiving invites to do stuff several times a week by different groups), I found that it was starting to grate on me. I found it an enormous effort to meet certain friends at times, and I would feel such guilt if I cancelled on them. I was seeing my girlfriend at the time, but she is friends with many of my other friends, and she still socialised with them.. it was often me just saying I didn't want to.

Now that I've returned to England, I'm living with 2 blokes in a really nice house. They have asked me to come out with them several times, including this evening, and I declined. When I'm not in the library or on campus, I spend all my time in my bedroom in the house. I do meet my friends over here for coffee, but never go out anymore. Right now I feel guilty because the two lads are probably thinking I'm very weird staying in my room the whole time!

I feel like I've become uncomfortable in my own skin. I am very self aware and I do know that I have good friends and many people who care about me, but I'm becoming more and more anti-social as the years wear on. Healthwise I do take good care of myself, but being cooped up indoors probably isn't helping me much.

I don't know if this is related to my studies, and that I'll feel more freedom next summer once it's all over and done with. I just hate that spending time by myself is getting to the extent where I prefer it to spending time with other people. My girlfriend skyped me earlier and asked me why I was staying in again, which is what set this all off. I don't know!

Obliq

" I just hate that spending time by myself is getting to the extent where I prefer it to spending time with other people"

My first question is who is this a problem for? It doesn't sound to me like you yourself have a problem being by yourself....on the contrary, you seem to want to be alone and to enjoy your own company. Did it ever occur to you that you're just maturing and don't feel the need to socialise so much?!

I know I've often gone for long periods without seeing even my really close friends, and they know me so well that they genuinely don't worry, or feel like I'm 'snobbing' them by not going out. I used to go out all the time too, in a kind of a reflex action (it's friday, I should go out) and now I'm happiest at home with the fella doing my thang. Or alone. I prefer either to forcing myself to go out!

Is your worry actually based on "do my friends think I'm weird for not going out?", because good friends may always think you're weird but like you anyway, and be as happy to see you whenever you get round to it as if you'd never left off.....Check it out and ask them outright. "Do you think it's weird that I don't want to go out anymore?" and discuss! There's no reason I can see that you have to be more social if you don't feel like it, unless your girlfriend minds going out by herself. That could become an issue, but I still wouldn't call your voluntary hermitage unreasonable - just that you like different things.....

Don't know if that perspective is any help, but my only actual advice is don't call something a problem if it isn't one for you