Turning People Off

LegacyUser

Hi guy's this is kind of embarassing, but it's really getting me down. I'm a 23 year old girl.

I'm starting to feel like I'm a human repellent.
I would be a chatty enough person, but I think I come on too strong. Particularly with guys. A lot of comments I get is to relax or calm down. Not in an angry way. Its more so Im very efficient. Always a worrier. I think it stems from my shyness as a child. I tend to be a little dramatic I think. It's really upsetting me now. Because its affecting my relationships, and how people perceive me. I'm not a bad person, in fact I have really good friends but with lads I seem to get nervous and this translates into appearing very high strung and full on.

I guess what I am asking is for a bit of advice how to channel this. I actually looked at counselling but they didn't seem to think it was a big enough of an issue to work on. But I know it is. Especially after a night out this week where a guy I know said a few comments to my face that were really hurtful.

Id really appreciate any words of advice to help me combat this. I think Im too intense. But I know the real me, and I've a lot to offer, so Id love to hear any ideas on this. Thanks.

thegreatgonzo

You sound like a nice person. Is it mainly just your relationships with men you are worried about? Nobody has it figured out at 23. That guy who insulted you, was he someone whose opinion you ever valued or is he a known prickface?

Legs.Eleven

Can I ask you, OP, if more than one person has said this to you?

card_shark

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

Can I ask you, OP, if more than one person has said this to you?

just because you get called an a h0le ten times in one day don't make it true

don't remember who said that but I heard it somewhere

Legs.Eleven

card_shark wrote: »

just because you get called an a h0le ten times in one day don't make it true

don't remember who said that but I heard it somewhere

If only one person said anything to her, then I'd dismiss it. Some people like to be mean and see people squirm.

How do you know how people perceive you? The comment from one guy is not everybody and we almost always view ourselves much more harshly than others do. Very often the perception we have of ourselves is very different to how others perceive us.




OP, the fact that you have very good friends proves that you're a good person and you're not a "human repellent" as you put it, so get that thought out of your head; it does you no good to think that way.


Not to patronise you, but you're young and you're still finding out who you are as an adult (you're only a few years into your 20s). I remember when I was your age I was a little full on sometimes trying to make people laugh because the same as yourself, I was shy and I wanted people to like me.

If you believe your confidence is the reason you act a little OTT, then work on that. Learn to like yourself enough to be yourself around people. Easier said than done but first thing's first, you have to start off by turning off that negative inner dialogue you have about yourself. Your friends love you, which proves you're loveable.


Don't let the comments of a few shape your opinion of yourself.

Obliq

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

If you believe your confidence is the reason you act a little OTT, then work on that. Learn to like yourself enough to be yourself around people. Easier said than done but first thing's first, you have to start off by turning off that negative inner dialogue you have about yourself. Your friends love you, which proves you're loveable.

That. It was the negative inner dialogue that used to make me so nervous around strangers. Like you, I had good friends but would become panicky and nervous about how I was coming across to people (male or female) that I didn't know. Once I realised that I was my own worst enemy in that respect, it was easier to say (to myself) "I don't care if I'm coming across too strong - I don't care if I'm making a tit of myself, I'm just being me, there is no judgement hanging over my head and this is not an exam/interview", and relax!

I nearly remember the year (somewhere in my early 20's) where I stopped caring so much. It'll happen - just enjoy your friends' company and try to laugh off the pratfalls that only you care about, apart from that one fella you mentioned who sounds like a prick, as some poster above rightly mentioned. Don't mind him. He might be compensating for some perceived personal lack himself.....

LegacyUser

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

If only one person said anything to her, then I'd dismiss it. Some people like to be mean and see people squirm.

How do you know how people perceive you? The comment from one guy is not everybody and we almost always view ourselves much more harshly than others do. Very often the perception we have of ourselves is very different to how others perceive us.




OP, the fact that you have very good friends proves that you're a good person and you're not a "human repellent" as you put it, so get that thought out of your head; it does you no good to think that way.


Not to patronise you, but you're young and you're still finding out who you are as an adult (you're only a few years into your 20s). I remember when I was your age I was a little full on sometimes trying to make people laugh because the same as yourself, I was shy and I wanted people to like me.

If you believe your confidence is the reason you act a little OTT, then work on that. Learn to like yourself enough to be yourself around people. Easier said than done but first thing's first, you have to start off by turning off that negative inner dialogue you have about yourself. Your friends love you, which proves you're loveable.


Don't let the comments of a few shape your opinion of yourself.

Thank's so much. Yeah I think I over think things a lot and that comes through in my dialogue. I had a few bad experiences with boyfriend's since I was eighteen and I think maybe those experiences are shaping how I act around guys I meet now. To give a good example, I assume too much, I presume they only want one thing so I tend to lay down what I expect from them very early on. I know it sounds like I'm slightly bunny boiler but I'm not. I dont know how to relax anymore and see how it goes. I feel like there is an inner dialogue going on in my head when I'm talking to them and its telling me to look for signs to show they are going to up and run or use me again. And I know this has to stop, because its riddiculous.

leahwechat

Just ignore the words which is harmful to you . Just forget them,everything would turn to be good .

thegreatgonzo

sadandtired24 wrote: »

Thank's so much. Yeah I think I over think things a lot and that comes through in my dialogue. I had a few bad experiences with boyfriend's since I was eighteen and I think maybe those experiences are shaping how I act around guys I meet now. To give a good example, I assume too much, I presume they only want one thing so I tend to lay down what I expect from them very early on. I know it sounds like I'm slightly bunny boiler but I'm not. I dont know how to relax anymore and see how it goes. I feel like there is an inner dialogue going on in my head when I'm talking to them and its telling me to look for signs to show they are going to up and run or use me again. And I know this has to stop, because its riddiculous.

Actually you sound a lot like me. I do tend to lay down the law beforehand too. The way I see it you are just weeding out the ones you have no use for and nobody's time gets wasted. Young fellas are often easy to scare off so I think you might find this less of a problem as you get older and you become more comfortable with yourself.

December2012

Listen, I'm not suggesting you take it all to heart, but I would not ignore these remarks.

Sometimes very nice people are just a bit, well, intense. It can be exhausting to be with them, as a relative, a friend or a date.

The fact that this is playing on your mind and you realise it's consequences means it's something that you might benefit from looking into, and yeah confidence is enough of a "big thing" to go and talk to a counsellor about.

Also, the baggage - why would you assume so badly about other men because of past experience? That's a common mistake in behaviour.

Do you get overwrought, stressed? Can you switch your own mind off from the chatter and be still in yourself?