the blurb on the back cover

alfa beta

having almost completed the first draft of my novel (a thriller) I thought it might be a good time to have a look at tackling the very important back-cover blurb

here's my first attempt

so.....whaddya think....would it make you flick to the first page and cast your eyes over the opening scene.....or not

it's a tricky little thing to write...so any advice / ideas would be more than welcome

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THE DARK ROOM

A wealthy businessman is beaten up in a Dublin hotel.

The police believe the motive to be robbery. The man himself knows there’s more to it than that. He has a dilemma however: he can’t tell the authorities what he knows without the risk of implicating himself.

To gain his revenge the man seeks out a different way to expose his attackers. It’s one that goes drastically wrong and, in the process, drags David Ryan, an unsuspecting and wholly innocent university lecturer, into the man’s world - a world of deception and depravity, where nothing is as it seems and where everyone has something to hide.

Forging a tense alliance between a self-confessed conman and a respected barrister, Ryan now attempts to trace the man and uncover the truth behind what he was trying to expose.

When revealed, it’s a truth that leaves Ryan shaken to the core and, what’s more, in danger of his own life...

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EileenG

Too vague.

In particular, I get pissed off that you won't name "the man" or reveal any clue about what his secret is. If I have no idea, why should I get invested in his problems?

Tell us who he is, why he can't go to the cops, and what sort of deception and depravity we are talking about it.

Also, it needs to be tightened.

EileenG

THE DARK ROOM

A wealthy businessman is beaten up in a Dublin hotel.

The Gardai believe Joe Bloggs was the victim of a robbery. Joe knows different, but can't tell them the truth without risking being arrested himself.

Joe tries to get his own revenge, but things go wrong and university lecturer David Ryan is dragged into a world of deception and depravity.

Uncovering the truth leaves Ryan shaken - and with his life in danger.

alfa beta

naw - needs a complete reworking if it's that far off the mark

the man certainly can't be named at this point nor can his crime

to be honest the entire story centres around the Ryan character (and is focalised through him) - so I'm sorta thinking now that the blurb should start and finish with him too

must have a few more goes

cheers Eileen

coffee_cake

Eileen's is great
Yours in OP is both too vague and too detailed

pickarooney

How is David Ryan pulled in to the story? If it's about him, we need to know something about his involvement.

bohsfan

Perhaps make the piece all about David? Something along the lines of:

David Ryan receives a call asking for his help in tracking down the perpetrator of a recent attack against a seemingly respectable business man.

Quite why he, a university professor, was the first port of call troubles him but he agrees to help.

David soon realises that his life is in danger when the businessman exposes himself as a dangerous con-man.

In too deep to escape, he must forge an alliance between a self-confessed master criminal and a respected barrister to expose the truth and regain control of his future.

alfa beta

agree pickarooney and bohsfan - Ryan is the main character so a new blurb will focus on him.

the 'man' getting beaten up does spark the story - it's pretty much the reason the whole thing unfolds - but i now think the blurb would do a better job focusing on Ryan and how he gets dragged into a situation he has no idea he is involved in.

that, after all is pretty much the way the narrative runs.