Boyfriend blaming me for something I didn't do

LegacyUser

This is probably going to sound really silly and petty but it's driving me mad. My boyfriend loaned me his car to drive to work yesterday. He really loves the car and looks after it very well so when I'm using it, I'm always super careful with it. So I drove it the short journey and parked it in the gated enclosed car park (nobody else has any access to it) and then drove it home again when I was finished.

However, this morning when he went to drive it, the front bumper is damaged and the fog lights are gone. He is going totally mental blaming me but I know full sure that I didn't do it and there is no way anyone else could have done the damage while the car was in my care. I maintain that someone either damaged it before I used it or else someone came into our garden this morning and damaged it to steal the fog lights. He doesn't believe me though.

This is driving me crazy as I have a very strong sense of justice. If I had done the damage, I would be the first person to stand up and admit it and apologise but there is jo way I will apologise or take responsibility for something I definitely didn't do. I told him as much. He is normally a very nice quiet person but he is very angry aboyt this. He tried to calm the situation this evening by saying there's no point in us fighting but I know he still thinks that I did it and I won't let it rest until he apologises for accusing me. Am I being overly petty? The notion of him kot believing me is driving me insane.

Chara1001

Maybe he thinks that when the car is damaged while in your care, you shoulder at least some of the responsibility.

Chattastrophe!

Chara1001 wrote: »

Maybe he thinks that when the car is damaged while in your care, you shoulder at least some of the responsibility.

But her argument is that she doesn't believe the damage happened while the car was in her care ....

Kidchameleon

No I'd be like you OP, I don't think your being petty at all. Its he who is being petty.

wirelessdude01

Either way how could you be held responsible for someone stealing the fog lights even if it happened while you had the car? That's like blaming you for someone rearending the car while you were stopped in traffic, totally not your fault. Tell him to get off his high horse.

Chara1001

Apologies OP i misread,

If there's CCTV in the car park, is it possible to have it checked to prove that nothing happened in that period?

It doesn't sound like you're going to convince your OH at the moment, and that would really do my head in.

listermint

I love my car and look after it with great detail, but I love my girlfriend even more he needs to build a bridge its only money.

My alloys have had damage it took me an hour to get over it everyone makes mistakes even if it was or wasn't your fault it doesn't matter it can be replaced.

mrsdewinter

He's the one whose car has been damaged and he's the one who has now said, "Let's not row about this."
So why are you insisting on refusing to let it go, OP?

YumCha

OP your boyfriend is being totally unreasonable - you can't be expected to be responsible for some stranger's actions, let alone the type who steal fog lights! He should apologise to you and quick smart.

ManOfMystery

mrsdewinter wrote: »

He's the one whose car has been damaged and he's the one who has now said, "Let's not row about this."
So why are you insisting on refusing to let it go, OP?

Is it not plainly obvious? She has been accused of something she feels she is not guilty of, and her other half has tried to brush over it rather than actually accept her explanation.

OP, as above I think the first thing to do would be to check if there's CCTV and prove beyond doubt that this didn't happen while you had the car. If you can't prove that, then there's not really going to be any other way to do it other than protest your innocence.

One question though - when you went to get the car and drive home, I take it you didn't notice the foglights missing or bumper damage - which suggests it hadn't happened by that point. Was it bright or dark when you were leaving?

reprazant

I don't get people blaming the bf here. If I lent someone something and it came back broken, I'd be a bit annoyed. If somebody took the lights while it was parked in her drive, the car still got damaged while it was in her care. She does have at least some responsibility for it.

And yet, even though he has let it go, he is still being 'unreasonable'. I would say that the OP is being unreasonable for not at least accepting some responsibility for damaging happening while she had borrowed it.

Raminahobbin

Sounds like he's angry at the fact that the car is damaged and not at you, he's just directing the anger at you. I think he knows this too, or he wouldn't have said to leave it alone.

Once the anger has simmered down, he will be able to gain control enough of it to be able to direct it away from you, and then you'll get an apology. He knows with his head that you're not at fault, but sometimes anger can be a bit of a reflex action and just directed at the closest target. It can take a bit of time to have it listen to reason.

Just avoid bringing it up for a few days and wait until he's a bit calmer. Then you'll be able to have a reasonable discussion and he will listen/acknowledge he was a bit hasty with the blame.

reprazant

reprazant wrote: »

If somebody took the lights while it was parked in her drive, the car still got damaged while it was in her care. She does have at least some responsibility for it.

Their drive.

didntdoit86 wrote: »

drove it the short journey and parked it in the gated enclosed car park (nobody else has any access to it) and then drove it home again when I was finished ... there is no way anyone else could have done the damage while the car was in my care

didntdoit86 wrote: »

The notion of him not believing me is driving me insane

OP if you are 100% sure this is the case then I would be miffed if I was in your position too. And I would not be happy with this "let's just forget about it but I don't believe you" that seems to be going on. I would expect my partner to believe me and explore the other possibilities.

But I agree with Raminahobbin ... there may be a knee jerk reaction going on here so give him some time and explain/show how it couldn't have possibly happened while you had the car.

shannonman81

So you drove the car brought it back that day?

He goes to drive it the next morning and it is damaged and the fog lights are gone....

Damage is one thing but the fact that the lights are gone...seems to me someone stole them and damaged the car in the process.
Where is the car parked overnight??

I've had wind deflectors stolen from my car...And a neighbour had his fogs lights ripped out one night
And would you have noticed the fog lights and damage the morning you drove it?? Could they have been stolen beforehand??

ManOfMystery

A lot of fog lights sit in brackets which are part of the bumper assembly. In some cars (like my old M3) they can be removed without removing the bumper, but that's not always the case - so I'd imagine in this case the thief has assumed the bumper needs to come off to get at them, and probably tried to bend it off quickly without removing screws and clips like most normal people do.

Merkin

Can you access CCTV footage from your workplace's gated enclosed car park? That way you can be 100% positive nothing happened under your watch.

LegacyUser

This isn't petty, it's about trust.

Your boyfiend is basically accusing you of lying.

I'd move out and tell him to go **** himself until he cops on that you're telling the truth.

If my girlfriend accussed me of doing something I didn't do, I'd be incredible hurt. He should trust his partner.

Shame something happened to the car. But if it had nothing to do with you OP stand your ground until he believes you because if he doesn't its going to wear away at him long after this blows over.

He needs to cop on.

LegacyUser

Op here, thanks for all your replies and reassurances that I'm not being petty for digging my heels in and standing my ground.

There isn't any cctv footage from the carpark but I am 100% certain that it could not have possibly been damaged there. It was dark when I took the car and dark when I drove it home and tbh, I wouldn't be one for noticing stuff like that immediately anyway. However, it was also dark the last time my bf had driven it and he had parked it on the street in a residential area for almost 2 hours. When I suggested that the damage may have occured here, he was adamant that he would have noticed it, even in the dark. I don't buy this tbh. All I know is that there is absolutely no way that the damage could have occured while the car was in my care and therefore, I brought the car back in the same condition it was in when I took it. I definitely wouldn't rule out the fact that someone stole the fogs while the car was parked in the garden although they would only have had a 1 hr window to do it.

Nonetheless, I am still standing my groubd because i know if I back down now and agree to just forget it, he will always think it was me. I had half a mind to tell him to leave for the weekend to give him a bit of time to think about it but for a number of reasons I decided against it. He is normally the perfect bf- peaceful loving and caring but he just has a thing about his car. It's just a difficult situation because he feels really strongly about his car and I feel really strongly about being vindicated.

Riskymove

didntdoit86 wrote: »

Nonetheless, I am still standing my groubd because i know if I back down now and agree to just forget it, he will always think it was me.

OP

can I just ask a quick question here....what does it matter?

regardless of when or where it happened....unless your OH thinks you had a crash or stole the lights yourself....who cares?

The culprit is whatever git stole the lights...even if it happened while you had parked the car soemwhere so what?


while its understandable your OH is upset...it's misdirected anger...

LegacyUser

It matters because he thinks I'm lying even though he should know by now that if I do something wrong, I'm always the first to admit it. If he doesnt believe me then doesnt that mean that he doesnt trust me?

He thinks that I crashed the car. If it were the other way around I would believe him straight away and just accept that I might never find out what happened but he is convinced point blank that I'm lying and that I caused the damage and am just trying to cover it up now.

johnr1

As a professional driver these days, this kind of dispute goes on in our company every day. The only answer we found that works is fir each driver to take photos of any damage before driving the car/bus and email them to the office so that they are time stamped. Annoying and repetitive but its the only way to protect yourself. This is all of no use to you of course.

I suggest you sit him down, and ask him to suspend the discussion of what actually happened as thats now un-knowable for him. Ask him instead to imagine how hurt and indignant he would feel if he was accused of something and couldn't prove his innocence. Horrible I'd imagine will be his answer. From where you are now, he will never know if you're covering up or if you're telling the truth, so on balance he ought to just give you the benefit of the doubt on this one, and not bring it up ever again. Any other path will not help him or you in any way.
You could tell him that IF and only if, he does this, that you will consider getting him something for the car on the next birthday/anniversary/at Christmas, as you "feel sorry for him having his car damaged by some lowlife".
Try this.

judgefudge

hjgsdghkjlaf wrote: »

This isn't petty, it's about trust.

Your boyfiend is basically accusing you of lying.

I'd move out and tell him to go **** himself until he cops on that you're telling the truth.

This would be a crazy overreaction, in my opinion.

When it comes down to it OP neither of you actually know when this happened to the car. You could well be right and it happened before you took it but you may actually never know when it happened.

It's understandable that he is upset in general about it and may have accused you in the heat of the moment because he's upset about it. But he has at least said that he wants to forget about it.

To be honest I think you're overreacting a bit, talking about justice and so on. Let it go.

LegacyUser

op i think your bf is more annoyed what happened to his car you said yourself its his pride and joy. was it the first time he lent it you? is it possible you damaged it without knowing? eg while parking? or another car hit while you were in a shop or something? The other thing is that what happened sounds a small bit outlandish. obviously i dont mean you made it up. but it might appear like that to him

all you can do is apologise for it happening in your care pay for the damages but reaffirm that you werent to blame.

it would be a pity if you fell out for something some one else did

thefeatheredcat

didntdoit86 wrote: »

It was dark when I took the car and dark when I drove it home and tbh, I wouldn't be one for noticing stuff like that immediately anyway. However, it was also dark the last time my bf had driven it and he had parked it on the street in a residential area for almost 2 hours. When I suggested that the damage may have occured here, he was adamant that he would have noticed it, even in the dark.

Op regardless of whatever happened whenever it happened under whose watch, both of ye are sticking to your own sense of pride, your boyfriend in being adamant that it couldn't possibility have been the other day when parked on the street nor while parked at home and even if there had been damage, he would have noticed it, and you on priding yourself in being an honest person and on a mission for an apology.

What is more important here? Proving yourself innocent and going to whatever means to do so, which might undermine your own credibility and might have you resort to means that you might regret? Is it more important to your boyfriend to not accept the very real possibility that someone did in fact damage the car while parked on the street or that someone clambered through your garden to do it? Is it more important to him to stick to not accepting those possibilities, one of which might have been from his own negligence or not overlooking his car properly? The situation itself, the longer it drags on is more likely to create distrust and drive a wedge between you and could cost the relationship in not letting the matter go. Or it could rear its head again with another matter somewhere down the line.

Some years ago a then friend of mine and I were in a supermarket, where that friend was doing their shopping. After they had paid and packed their stuff we both went to their place, unpacked and found that 2 packets of Easi Singles were missing from the shopping. My friend, rather than concluding that they had forgotten to pack them into their bag and left behind in the supermarket, instead concluded I had stolen them and insisted upon searching my bag, which I consented to because I had not taken them and last I had seem them was in the supermarket with the rest of their stuff. They refused to believe me, that I had not taken them and wouldn't reason or check on the possibility of them having just being left behind. Eventually for that evening, they got over it. But time and again they brought it up, over years, for no reason at all, but to accuse and accuse. And again and again I said, I didn't take them, you left them behind. It bothered me a lot to be accused repeatedly about it, it wasn't about the trust, it was about the inability to see another rational explanation that would lay the blame at their feet and them not being able to accept that perhaps they did indeed negligently leave them behind. It did effect our friendship more so because they could not assume responsibility for something that was their own fault and were quick to blame someone else rather than accepting they indeed left it behind.

That friend (we are no longer friends for other reasons) could not let it go. I always maintained my innocence when it was brought up by them, if they really wanted to believe I stole it, there was never anything I could say or do to make them see otherwise. Only proof it wasn't me would have changed their stance and that wasn't something I had. So I figured if that is what they wanted to think of me, fine. My own actions, past, present and future in being an honest and trustworthy individual stand for more. Even in more recent situations where I have been wrongly blamed and accused, my own actions, rather than maintaining a defense of innocence have proved me innocent, particularly where a situation further developed and the real culprit - even the party blaming me - was revealed. Both you and your boyfriend need to let this go. There is a possibility that while either parked on the street or parked overnight in your drive, that is when the damage was done. It is nobody's fault that it happened and it nobody's fault that it went unnoticed or that a proper check on it by either of ye (but particularly your boyfriend since he prides himself with it) was not done.

It's not worth tearing down a good relationship over and both of ye need to realise this. What is more important to both of you, your relationship or some damage to a car? One you can get parts for and fix in a garage and restore, the other it is much harder to fix and restore to its glory after the damage has been done.

Eric Cartman

OP , your OH noticed the fog lights missing and bumper damage when the car was returned , he is obviously observant of the condition of his car. He also said he would have noticed if the damage was done when he parked in that residential area and you say you dont believe him on that despite there being evidence that he is observant when it comes to his car.

yet you even admit yourself that "I wouldn't be one for noticing stuff like that immediately anyway." and in your view this is something that wouldnt be noticed in the dark , so for you to say that it 100% wasnt done while in your care is, by your own admission something you cannot answer.

I know id see a set of fog lights missing off my cars day or night straight away and Id also be quite observant where my car is concerned.

I think both of you are wrong in a way , you cannot be 100% certain this didn't happen in your care so I would stop being so defensive about it. Your boyfriend needs to not misdirect all his anger.

The fairest solution here is for your boyfriend to get this problem fixed either by paying cash or through the insurance and each of you covering half the cost / increase in premium next year.

Riskymove

didntdoit86 wrote: »

He thinks that I crashed the car.

well, this is why I asked.

Its completely different to what is being discussed generally (i.e. if it happened under your care or not or who can prove what or know 100% etc)

he thinks you crashed the car, you deny it and he doesn't believe you

it comes down to that really, he does not trust you or accept your word. He believes you would crash and damage his car and then lie about it to him. It is not a sign if a healthy relationship

Tramps Like Us

This type if thing is why I never let my GFs near things I really care about, my "pride and joys". For me it's my books. It can only lead to arguments if something happens to it. I wouldn't borrow someone's pride and joy either, I wouldn't feel comfortable with it in case something happened. OP just tell him you didn't crash it but that someone must have damaged it and you are very sorry. Tbh I think he is pissed at the fact that you drove the car around with the front bumper half ripped off and didn't notice, to me that screams at a lack of care and attention. And OP, he would have noticed if it was damaged when he had it, with things like their pride and joys he'd notice a tiny scratch, never mind lights ripped off