Should this even be an issue?!

Hue.G rection

The other night me and my boyfriend were in bed and we started messing and just having a laugh in general. The mood swiftly changed as i must've done or said something to trigger him! I was still in knots laughing and this really annoyed him. I know I should've stopped when it was clearly obvious he was annoyed and he also asked me to stop but I couldn't. He then suddenly grabbed both my wrists and pinned them down. He aggressively told me to stop but I got a fright and started crying. The main reason I started crying is because I panicked and I've never seen that look on his eyes before. He started apologising straight away and knew he'd done wrong. He felt terrible because of the whole situation and said he even frightened himself! I just stayed quiet, I didn't really know what to say. I love him to bits and he loves me back. We get on so well and he's always been perfect to me. However, I don't really know what to make of the situation. Is it even a situation? Am I making a big deal out of nothing my asking this question here? I sat down after it happened and had a word about what happened with him but I don't want to bring it up again cos I know he feels guilty about it. I just want to here other peoples opinions on it.

JenEffy

Why did he get so angry? Did you ask him? He shouldn't have grabbed your wrists but it's hard to know if he overreacted without knowing what he was reacting to.

Hue.G rection

JenEffy wrote: »

Why did he get so angry? Did you ask him? He shouldn't have grabbed your wrists but it's hard to know if he overreacted without knowing what he was reacting to.

Yeah I asked him after what happened and what made him angry and he said he didn't know. I think it was me laughing that triggered it.

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

Need more context. Were you slagging him about a sensitive issue?

Zen65

It's difficult to say how you should feel about this.

Key questions you need to ask yourself is how well do you know him? How long have you been together? Have you seen any other traits in him to suggest that he might be quick-tempered, or abusive? I don't simply mean has he grabbed you before, I mean have you seen any signs of controlling behaviour?

• Does he try to disuade you from seeing your friends or family for any reason?
• Does he regularly pass remarks about you or to you that are hurtful or derogatory?
• Does he comment in a derogatory way away about other women?
• Does he read your e-mails, or check your text messages?
• What sort of relationship does he have with your family? or his family?
• How does he talk about ex-girlfriends?

It's quite possible that you simply hit a nerve with your teasing / laughing, and he reacted out of instinct, but then immediately knew he had done wrong. It's unpleasant, but it happens with some people and may not be an indicator of any other underlying temperament. I know that the things which can annoy me are not necessarily big things, but often little things which trigger an emotion associated with (sometimes) childhood experiences, or unrelated adult experiences. I don't think that I've ever followed through to the point of physical aggression (except to clench my fists or jaw, in a motion designed to hold my tongue rather than lash out). If it troubles you then talk about it. You need to be quite clear that you will not tolerate him being aggressive to you, in any way, under any circumstances.

Be at peace,

Z

Hue.G rection

Johnny Electricity wrote: »

Need more context. Were you slagging him about a sensitive issue?

No it was just general messing, the mood changed really quickly. One minute we were both having fun and tickling each other and my phone fell off the bed, I don't know why but I found it funny and started laughing. But he didn't seem impressed and told me to stop and calm down so I don't wake out housemates up. But when he was giving out to me I was still laughing and he really didn't like it. I know it was childish of me but I didn't think it was that big of a deal!

Zen65

Hue.G rection wrote: »

But he didn't seem impressed and told me to stop and calm down so I don't wake out housemates up.

Do you live together? With housemates? Do you both pay rent there? Is it possible there have been issues between him and his housemates which might be resurrected by making noise and waking them?

Context is everything.

Z

Hue.G rection

Zen65 wrote: »

It's difficult to say how you should feel about this.

Key questions you need to ask yourself is how well do you know him? How long have you been together? Have you seen any other traits in him to suggest that he might be quick-tempered, or abusive? I don't simply mean has he grabbed you before, I mean have you seen any signs of controlling behaviour?

• Does he try to disuade you from seeing your friends or family for any reason?
• Does he regularly pass remarks about you or to you that are hurtful or derogatory?
• Does he comment in a derogatory way away about other women?
• Does he read your e-mails, or check your text messages?
• What sort of relationship does he have with your family? or his family?
• How does he talk about ex-girlfriends?

It's quite possible that you simply hit a nerve with your teasing / laughing, and he reacted out of instinct, but then immediately knew he had done wrong. It's unpleasant, but it happens with some people and may not be an indicator of any other underlying temperament. I know that the things which can annoy me are not necessarily big things, but often little things which trigger an emotion associated with (sometimes) childhood experiences, or unrelated adult experiences. I don't think that I've ever followed through to the point of physical aggression (except to clench my fists or jaw, in a motion designed to hold my tongue rather than lash out). If it troubles you then talk about it. You need to be quite clear that you will not tolerate him being aggressive to you, in any way, under any circumstances.

Be at peace,

Z

I'd say we know each other very well. We've been going out a year but know each other longer. It was really out of character of him and I think you're right, I did just hit a nerve. He's never shown sign of anything at all like that in the past. He's really laid back and a placid guy. He always want the best for me and doesn't hold me back from doing anything. I know he's really sorry and ashamed but all the same I need him to know I don't feel comfortable about it and I never want anything like it to happen again. Should I just try to forget about the situation and not bring it up again??

Hue.G rection

Zen65 wrote: »

Do you live together? With housemates? Do you both pay rent there? Is it possible there have been issues between him and his housemates which might be resurrected by making noise and waking them?

Context is everything.

Z

We don't live together but I know for sure that there's no issues with the housemates. We're are both friends with his housemates and there's never any problems like that.

Zen65

Hue.G rection wrote: »

Should I just try to forget about the situation and not bring it up again??

No.

I would suggest that you have a quiet, honest chat with him. Let him know how scared you felt by what he did, and that you accept it was out of character for him, and you are prepared to forgive him and move on. However, you should also say that you will not accept that behaviour from him ever again, and that equally you would not expect him to accept any kind of physical aggression from you.

No drama, no tears (if you can manage to do that), no recrimination.

Afterwards, assuming he never repeats the offence, you should never bring it up again, even in the middle of a heated debate about how he (e.g. didn't return your call, remember your birthday, behave valiantly in front of your parents). Forgiving is forgiving.

Be at peace,

Z