Struggling in college

edelg

Hi, I wasn't sure where to post this but I said id give it a go here.

I started college this September doing Arts and already I know I hate the course. Simply, its just not for me. Im not the study type but theres not much option but to go to college these days. As well as that Im so so lonely.

Unlike other houses where all housemates go out together, mine dont. All the rest of them have big groups of friends with them who they go out with while all mine are in a different college.

I came here knowing one friend who lives a good half hour away and is getting on amazing and has totally forgotten me. And when I asked her for a hand she turned me away.

I try tagging along with my roommates and their friends sometimes but it can be awkward and I feel unwanted. One girl for example has started to go to her friends house straight after lectures to go out and I cant help but think its to get away before I can ask to go out with them. Also I always have to ask if I can go with them, she never actually asks me to come.

The apartment next to me is full of really nice girls who all go out together and get on so well. I'm so envious, I wish I could live there. I went out with them once and their house was full of people having fun. I want to go there more often but I don't know how to invite myself! I went there with a girl ive gotten to a know a bit who is friends with them but she never goes out much at all.

I cant take this any longer. I HATE it. Whenever I get a bit optimistic that its getting better it just gets worse. I will admit I have cried myself to sleep on occasion. Im not used to this at all. im actually a normal person who usually doesnt have that much trouble making friends.

Any advice or light shed will be much appreciated.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Do you have two problems ?

a) If you are unsure about the course?

If this is the case and you find it is not getting better after this year you can always change courses if it really isn't for you. Just be aware of financial implications to fee's etc. I would talk to your admissions / fee and SUSI re this so you can make an informed decision.


b) If it is more so about the people you are living with?

Yes difficult situation you are in. I always look back and think about how much I used to worry about this sort of thing, it's amazing as you get older you care less of what people think and issues that once seemed big are minor :-)

However saying that it does not make things any easier for you now.

I would suggest you try to get to know the girls in the other apartment if you can. Perhaps you could just call over and ask them if any of them want to go to the shops to look around / hang out. Or just say you are at a lose end and would they fancy hanging out? If you are nervous doing this maybe try call over with an 'excuse' , ie to ask them a question about college/ whatever. This will break the ice. I am sure you are just out of your comfort zone which is daunting at a young age. I was the same.

Hopefully you will get to know the girls in your own apartment. It can be awkward living with strangers but things could get better. I doubt the girl you live with is purposely avoiding you, some people just seem to forget to factor other people into their plans and can be a bit scatty ( I am guilty of doing this even with my close friends !)

From what I have heard it is also good to join student unions / clubs etc. Another good way of getting to know people.

What area are you studying and is there any element to the course you could gain an interest in?

LegacyUser

i've been there, you're not alone. we're all programmed to think that college is this, and college is that, but for many, it doesnt involve going out all the time and such. please dont pack it in yet because i did that and was sorry. try and learn to be comfortable on your own - listen to the radio, read a book - if nothing else, just to stop you feeling so desperate.

on the course - as i said, dont pack it in yet. dont associate being lonely with your course. that is of course, unless you really hate it. im assuming youve only started, so just give it a bit more time.

the other issue, making friends and being lonely etc, join some clubs. its the only way. toughen up and join a club or society or two and give that a bash. do NOT feel compelled "to go out" all the time. its a worse situation, trust me. learn to be comfortable on your own, dig yourself out of the hole youre in and start making new friends. it will happen. top priority - lift that negativity off you. see a counsellor - nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Obliq

Hi OP, There's good advice above and others have suggested joining a college club - I'd say do that straight away, before anything else! Even if you think you might not have much interest in the activity, just find one you think you might get something out of (like a sport you've never done before), and you'll make friends quickly and broaden your horizons. Also, speak to the friend you made who doesn't go out often. Have you told her you're feeling low and lonely and would like some more company? Perhaps ask her if she'd join a club with you! As someone said above, college doesn't have to be all about the going out....that will come, especially with a club. The women's rugby team I joined in college did more going out than actually playing matches, with the added bonus of getting fit. Chin up! Talk to people about how you feel - that's what college counsellors are there for :-)

Sammy2012

hi op

just in relation to the course if you really don't like it i think if you drop out before a certain date (maybe the end of October) you won't have to pay fees next year. my brother started a course a few years ago and hated it, left in October and went back the following September. as far as I can remember he didn't have to pay fees but this may have changed in the meantime.

Tiddlypeeps

What sammy says is correct, if you drop out before a certain day of the year it's pretty much as if the year doesn't count. Usually some time halfway between September and Christmas so it's likely coming up soon. If you genuinely hate the subject matter of your course and it's not just the social issues getting to you then I would highly recommend considering this. It's very costly to do a year of college over again, often prohibitively so.

So if you think you really don't like the course you are doing I would talk to the college and find out when the cut off point is for dropping out. I would stick with it right up until the cut off point to give it a chance. If you still hate it then I would drop out and spend the year looking for another course that you might like better.

Job prospects aren't exactly stellar coming out of an arts degree so if you just want to do a course for the sake of it, and you actually don't like it, then it would be better to pick something with employment prospects out the other end of it.

The only downside is that it'll be September before you can start something new.

I would second what others are saying about making friends, join as many cubs and societies as you can fit into your schedule. You don't even need to be sporty to do this, most colleges/unis will have societies such as poker/movies/anime/boardgames/computer games that can all be great fun depending on what your own interests are. If your housemates make you feel insecure and unwanted then I wouldn't waste my energy trying to spend more time with them. It may be them or it may be all in your head but either way the point stands that being around them doesn't make you happy so you should spend your time trying to find people who will making you feel happy.

Best of luck.

edelg

Wow thank you so much for all the replies, I wasn't expecting any at all!

There is some great advice there and I'm glad to see others have gone to through similar experiences.

About clubs and socs, I'm just too scared to go to any of these places on my own. Can u imagine some society is having a night out somewhere, getting ready and heading out to a place all on your own. I could just never do that!

I think I need to give the course more of a go before I give up. The idea of sitting at home for the year while all my friends are having fun in college is even more depressing than the course itself.

I had some good news today, I was in contact with one of the girls from the other apartment and she said im free to head out with them any time I want or even to just call over in the evening as there's always people there. Also I went to the gym for the first time ever this evening with one of my house mates who is very inclusive but has a massive group of friends with her at most times. I've always wanted to go but had no one to come with me and now after being there I wouldn't actually mind going on my own in the future!

Also something that has been weighing on me is one of my friends in a different college texts me regularly asking 'any gossip?' and when I answer nope she says 'really? like none at all?' followed by a long detailed story of all her sexploits (which without trying to be a prude I cant help but be slightly horrified by). I think she only starts the conversation so she can tell me her news. She keeps bragging about all the lads shes been sleeping with while ive barely been near a lad since I got here, she then asks 'so when are u going to lose the big V?' in the most patronizing tone humanly possible to muster up. I'll be seeing her tomorrow and will no doubt have the ear blown off me about all the sex shes been having (slut) :P

ivytwine

edelg wrote: »

Wow thank you so much for all the replies, I wasn't expecting any at all!

There is some great advice there and I'm glad to see others have gone to through similar experiences.

About clubs and socs, I'm just too scared to go to any of these places on my own. Can u imagine some society is having a night out somewhere, getting ready and heading out to a place all on your own. I could just never do that!

I think I need to give the course more of a go before I give up. The idea of sitting at home for the year while all my friends are having fun in college is even more depressing than the course itself.

I had some good news today, I was in contact with one of the girls from the other apartment and she said im free to head out with them any time I want or even to just call over in the evening as there's always people there. Also I went to the gym for the first time ever this evening with one of my house mates who is very inclusive but has a massive group of friends with her at most times. I've always wanted to go but had no one to come with me and now after being there I wouldn't actually mind going on my own in the future!

Also something that has been weighing on me is one of my friends in a different college texts me regularly asking 'any gossip?' and when I answer nope she says 'really? like none at all?' followed by a long detailed story of all her sexploits (which without trying to be a prude I cant help but be slightly horrified by). I think she only starts the conversation so she can tell me her news. She keeps bragging about all the lads shes been sleeping with while ive barely been near a lad since I got here, she then asks 'so when are u going to lose the big V?' in the most patronizing tone humanly possible to muster up. I'll be seeing her tomorrow and will no doubt have the ear blown off me about all the sex shes been having (slut) :P

Hey, no need to call her a slut. Some people get to college and feel they have to be as wild as possible, especially in first year, or maybe she just likes sex. However, don't feel under pressure to sleep with the first lad you see.

I also want to say it sounds like you don't like this girl very much, and it's ok not to hang out with her if you don't. Life is too short to hang around with people you don't like.

And OP, about the clubs and socs. Yeah it's nerve wracking but you will have to do things on your own for the rest of your life. How will you cope when you start a new job on your own? Or go on a work night out? You will HAVE to walk into a room where you know NO-ONE at some point in your life. Now's a good time to start. Generally, people in clubs and socs are welcoming if you are passionate about what they're passionate about. So take a look at the recruiting night if they have one or the website or whatever. Getting involved with something like that will do wonders for your confidence.

College is a great opportunity so make the most of it while you can, it goes by fast enough