difference in priorities

LegacyUser

I have a doubt/worry that i love my bf and care more about our relationship than he does.

we've been together 3 years and there is a bit of an age gap, i'm early 20s he's late 20s but this has never been a problem, until recently when we've began to see some different priorities. We both want to settle down at some point but he wants to do it much sooner than i do, and I want to do some travel before I do it. He doesnt really have as much interest in travel.

We've spoken about this a bit in the past and kinda just said we'll deal with it when it happens. A few weeks ago we were talking about it again and we were talking about moving to new zealand for a year. We agreed we could compromise... Ideally I'd like to travel for a few years then settle down and ideally he wants to begin a career and start settling down now.... So the compromise was that we could move there for a year and maybe do a small bit of travel and then head home and settle down. I was so happy with this as the two most important things to me are wanting to travel, and our relationship and I'd hate the idea of choosing between them. It also proved to me that he cared enough about Us to make a compromise too and this made me so happy.

But the other day he told me that hes given it more thought and has decided against it as he wants to begin to build a career for himself and settle down.

I'm really hurt because we talked about this so much in details and he made so many promises and he knows how much it meant to me.

Am I unfair for feeling like this?

Should I just accept that he's now made it clear where his priorities lie and its not with us?

and what should I do now? I still want to travel but it will be a year or two until I can. I'm wondering would it be better to cut my losses now and break up with him - This would absolutely break my heart. Also we do get on great most of the time and there are no major problems apart from this

Or should I just accept that he doesnt care enough to make a compromise, and continue the relationship and make the most of it until the time come to move away or travel? I'm inclined to take this option, but will that make the inevitable heartbreak even harder? or maybe if we spend another year or two together he might change his mind....

I just dont know what to think or do

sorry about the long post

ulinbac

Hi spineli,

Thats great you want to travel but coming from a guy who has been in a similar situation (age gap and all) this may be his way of ending the relationship in the hope that you will go off travelling. I know that might sound extreme but thats what your message said to me.

Has he ever mentioned kids or a home with you? Do ye live togther atm?

Unfortunately, its very easy to say yes to some in the heat of the moment.

Then again if he is an ambitious guy or is going into a career that requires more intense exams (e.g. accountant) its understandable that he wants to get them out of the way. What was his reasooning for not travelling?

spineli

It is unfair, yes. You're asking him to uproot his entire life for a year, and it's not like when he gets back he can just pick up where he left off. If he leaves, he leaves, and he'll be leaving a lot behind (possibly a job, friends, the life he's spent the last 20-30 years building?). The time frame is a minor issue compared to the fact he'd be leaving. I don't think that only moving away for one year is a compromise, I think it's still you getting your dream at the expense of his.

spineli wrote: »

Should I just accept that he's now made it clear where his priorities lie and its not with us?

I'm wondering would it be better to cut my losses now and break up with him

Or should I just accept that he doesnt care enough to make a compromise, and continue the relationship and make the most of it until the time come to move away or travel?

You're asking him to choose between everything he has at home, versus fulfilling your wish to travel. His priorities aren't anything to hold against him, they seem quite sensible to me. You've made it clear that you intend to travel with or without him, and that you're willing to 'cut your losses' now and break up with him before you're even gone due to his wishes to stay and build a secure life for himself. You're the one who's treating the relationship as low-priority.

or maybe if we spend another year or two together he might change his mind....

If he doesn't want to travel now, he's not going to want to go travelling a couple years into a career.

To be honest I think you're being a bit selfish. If you want to go with or without him, that's fair enough, stick to your guns. But you can't be angry that he doesn't want to go half-way around the world purely because he loves you, especially when you're not willing to limit your travelling for him. You could still see New Zealand without moving there for a year, but he wont be able to preserve the life he has at home if he picks up and leaves for a year. Personally I have friends that have emigrated, some with partners, and I always think that it's a bad idea to move to a different country just for the sake of staying in a relationship. You need to have more to hold you to a place than just one other person's presence there.

Frank Black

true-or-false wrote: »

To be honest I think you're being a bit selfish.

No, you're not.

You're young and you want to see a bit of the world before settling down. That's quite understandable and not selfish in the least. You've been up front with your bf about this and he agreed to travel with you and has now renged on this.

If you don't go travelling when you're young, it's unlikely you'll get the chance to do so again, and you'll probably regret it and resent him for making you miss out.

It would seem you both have different priorities in life and that's probably to do with your respective ages. I think you should split up with him now, especially if you're pretty sure you will want to travel in a year or so when you've saved up enough cash. There's very little point for either of you to be dragging the relationship along.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here, thanks for the advise

ulinbac wrote: »

Hi spineli,

Thats great you want to travel but coming from a guy who has been in a similar situation (age gap and all) this may be his way of ending the relationship in the hope that you will go off travelling. I know that might sound extreme but thats what your message said to me.

Has he ever mentioned kids or a home with you? Do ye live togther atm?

Unfortunately, its very easy to say yes to some in the heat of the moment.

Then again if he is an ambitious guy or is going into a career that requires more intense exams (e.g. accountant) its understandable that he wants to get them out of the way. What was his reasooning for not travelling?

I don't think that is the reason.
We don't live together atm but we have talked about a family and future together, especially in the last few months which is kinda how this problem arose.
We both really want that but I know if I do it before seeing more of the world and having those type of experiences I would grow to resent him and my life. I don't think thats harsh I just know its the truth. Thats why he agreed he'd travel with me, because he said he wanted us to be able to build that life.

He's not in a very intense career like accounting. He's been working a job that he doesnt really like for the last 7 years or so, and last year he completed a 3 year degree in Social Care. Thats the career he wants to build for himself but he hasn't yet started to. Thats why he doesn't want to move really, because he dislikes the job hes in and he wants to get out of it and start a career in something he likes as soon as he can, and I suppose it is unfair on me to stand in the way of that. Also a few years ago he moved to Oz for a few months and because of a few bad experiences there it kinda put him off travel. But I don't think a few bad experiences should completely limit further oppotunities and experiences!

I almost am considering not travelling and staying here and building my life with him, but I think that could be stupid too.

Frank Black wrote: »

If you don't go travelling when you're young, it's unlikely you'll get the chance to do so again, and you'll probably regret it and resent him for making you miss out.

Because /\ this is true. I could settle down now and see parts of the world in the future without moving away for a long period of time, and then we could still stay together, but I'm worried if I settle down the more responsibilities I'll have and the less likely it will be to happen...

Tiddlypeeps

I have to agree with the poster who said that him leaving for a year with you isn't really much of a compromise, it would be him giving you what you want. It's a huge decision so I think holding him changing his mind against him would be a tad selfish and unfair.

There are possible compromises. You could aim to go away for a few months at a time on and off for a few years. So go to Aus for a couple of months and then come back for a while then off to backpack across Asia for a couple of months and then back for a while etc. As long as you don't plan on having kids straight away this should be a workable way of satisfying your need to travel while still maintaining the relationship. Your partner can even come with you for a week or two on some of the trips on his annual holidays if he can afford to so you can both experience at least some of it together.

It really depends on what it is you want to achieve/experience through travel and how much you value that vs how much you value the potential life with your partner.

LegacyUser

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

I have to agree with the poster who said that him leaving for a year with you isn't really much of a compromise, it would be him giving you what you want. It's a huge decision so I think holding him changing his mind against him would be a tad selfish and unfair.

There are possible compromises. You could aim to go away for a few months at a time on and off for a few years. So go to Aus for a couple of months and then come back for a while then off to backpack across Asia for a couple of months and then back for a while etc. As long as you don't plan on having kids straight away this should be a workable way of satisfying your need to travel while still maintaining the relationship. Your partner can even come with you for a week or two on some of the trips on his annual holidays if he can afford to so you can both experience at least some of it together.

It really depends on what it is you want to achieve/experience through travel and how much you value that vs how much you value the potential life with your partner.

I think these are all very good points.

I'm mainly upset because we had talked about this before and the reasons he's giving now are reasons he has given in the past, and then I was so happy a couple of weeks ago when he agreed that he'd do it anyway and put his career and settling down is.

What I want to achieve and experience from travel? Well I just feel that we live in a big and beautiful world and it would be a shame to not see as much of it as we can. I think travel broadens the mind and makes you grow as a person and I feel like I'll be a better person, and the type of person/wife/mother I want to be if I do it. So thats how much I value travel, its pretty important to me. But my potential life with my partner is of the same importance and I hate the thought of having to choose between the two.

I would be very open to the idea of what you said, taking trips for a few weeks or months at a time but I wonder is that ever going to be possible? In a way I would even prefer to do it like that, but I don't know if it will be possible and I'm afraid it wouldn't happen. I would need an extremely flexible and quite well paid job.


From the various responses and opinion I do now see that its unfair and selfish of me to hold this against him as it is a very big deal. I'm going to apologise to him this evening for this I think.


I also don't think it would be the right decision for us to break up over this. I don't even have a definite plan of where and when I want to go, and I haven't even started saving yet, as I just started a job a couple of weeks ago. I just know that I definitely want, even need, to experience the world before I'm happy to settle down, and I don't think this is selfish of me..

Frank Black

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

There are possible compromises. You could aim to go away for a few months at a time on and off for a few years. So go to Aus for a couple of months and then come back for a while then off to backpack across Asia for a couple of months and then back for a while etc. As long as you don't plan on having kids straight away this should be a workable way of satisfying your need to travel while still maintaining the relationship. Your partner can even come with you for a week or two on some of the trips on his annual holidays if he can afford to so you can both experience at least some of it together.

Very impracticle suggestions.
How is someone expected to pick up work when they go somewhere for a couple of months, then return to Ireland, presumbably pick up work (which is really easy obviously) for another few months before repeating the process.
Most people go to OZ/NZ for at least a year and sometimes 2. It's expensive to buy airline tickets, rent a place and get set up finding work. You can't just pop away for a couple of months every year when the mood takes you unless you are incredibly rich.
I presume you've little experience of the costs and other logistics involved in travelling as opposed to holidaying.

Tiddlypeeps

Frank Black wrote: »

Very impracticle suggestions.
How is someone expected to pick up work when they go somewhere for a couple of months, then return to Ireland, presumbably pick up work (which is really easy obviously) for another few months before repeating the process.
Most people go to OZ/NZ for at least a year and sometimes 2. It's expensive to buy airline tickets, rent a place and get set up finding work. You can't just pop away for a couple of months every year when the mood takes you unless you are incredibly rich.
I presume you've little experience of the costs and other logistics involved in travelling as opposed to holidaying.

Fair enough, you're right I do have little experience of travelling. I assumed that if someone wants to go travelling that they have saved for years and that they actually want to travel around as apposed to just moving somewhere for an extended period of time. But even the few people I know who have moved to Aus or Canada for a year or two have taken months to find a job. So surely someone doing that will need to be able to finance that sort of time incase they don't find work right away.

It may be more difficult, less rewarding and possibly more expensive but I still think (depending on the OP's situation) it could be a potential compromise. I could be very wrong as I said I have little experience of traveling so if I'm way off then just ignore me.

Meathlass

OP I did the whole living in OZ and a J1 when I was your age. Amazing experience, don't regret if for a minute. During the boom years I took 9 months out and went to South America. I came home and walked into a job. So we all know that's not possible now. If you don't get travelling out of your system you will regret it for ever. You will always wonder what you missed out on. Also J1s, Oz and Canada working holiday visas are age restrictive so you can't wait around for ever.

It sounds like you and your partner don't view travel in the same way at all. I'm 34 and don't have the kind of job I can leave for months at a time but I still love travelling. So I save all my hols and usually take a month off each year and go somewhere to backpack (last year Iran, this year (in 3 days time!) Burma). Even if I could only get 2 weeks off in a row I'd still use it to go backpacking somewhere. It's a state of mind tbh.

I don't think you should break up over this. You said yourself it's not something that's going to happen in your immediate future. And if you do decide to take 6 months out and go travelling in Asia I'm sure your boyfriend would love to meet you over there for a holiday.

LegacyUser

Hi guys thanks for all the help so far

Bit of an update on the situation...

We were talking about it again and he told me that lately the our age gap and difference in priorities is becoming more of an issue, which I agree with. The age gap thing had never been an issue til now, and its just because hes now trying to start to build a career and life for himself now. He was honest with me and said he has zero interest in moving abroad or travelling, and the only reason he would is if he couldn't find work here. I appreciate his honesty and think what he's saying is completely fair enough. I know now I was wrong to be upset about the whole New Zealand thing.

The thing is, I don't have any really set idea of what I want to do. I just know I definitely want to see some of the world before I have kids and stuff.

He has a pretty definite plan, he wants to get a job and start building a life, and sooner rather than later. He doesn't want to wait years for me to decide what I want to do, and then to do it, which is totally fair enough as well.

We're both aware and accept that this could mean us having to go our seperate ways some time in the future. But he said he think thats is probably going to happen, whereas I have hope and faith that it doesnt have to.

He thinks this is me being overly optimistic and idealistic, which I admit I can be.

He said the only way it can work is making a compromise that will mean one person sacrifising way more than the other, because he is not really willing to change his plans at all, and he doesn't want me to have to either.

But the thing is, I don't even have any specific plans! I would be willing to, happy to, make my plans around him and us. I told him this and I don't think he really believes me.

I think he does love me and wants us to be together but he'd feel bad if I didn't do things I want to because of him.

I can honestly say I really would not mind at all making plans for travel that could mean us not having to go our seperate ways.

How do I get him to believe I'm not just saying that, that I really do mean it?

ShaShaBear

ZORIGINALPOSTER123 wrote: »

Hi guys thanks for all the help so far

Bit of an update on the situation...

We were talking about it again and he told me that lately the our age gap and difference in priorities is becoming more of an issue, which I agree with. The age gap thing had never been an issue til now, and its just because hes now trying to start to build a career and life for himself now. He was honest with me and said he has zero interest in moving abroad or travelling, and the only reason he would is if he couldn't find work here. I appreciate his honesty and think what he's saying is completely fair enough. I know now I was wrong to be upset about the whole New Zealand thing.

The thing is, I don't have any really set idea of what I want to do. I just know I definitely want to see some of the world before I have kids and stuff.

He has a pretty definite plan, he wants to get a job and start building a life, and sooner rather than later. He doesn't want to wait years for me to decide what I want to do, and then to do it, which is totally fair enough as well.

We're both aware and accept that this could mean us having to go our seperate ways some time in the future. But he said he think thats is probably going to happen, whereas I have hope and faith that it doesnt have to.

He thinks this is me being overly optimistic and idealistic, which I admit I can be.

He said the only way it can work is making a compromise that will mean one person sacrifising way more than the other, because he is not really willing to change his plans at all, and he doesn't want me to have to either.

But the thing is, I don't even have any specific plans! I would be willing to, happy to, make my plans around him and us. I told him this and I don't think he really believes me.

I think he does love me and wants us to be together but he'd feel bad if I didn't do things I want to because of him.

I can honestly say I really would not mind at all making plans for travel that could mean us not having to go our seperate ways.

How do I get him to believe I'm not just saying that, that I really do mean it?

The fact is that if you plan on travelling at all, it means a long-distance relationship.
It is perfectly possible to see parts of the world without moving to them. My partner is settled in a business doing what he loves and has no intention on moving. I am studying for a degree, am in my final year, and job prospects here are very high. We can, at present, afford two holidays a year. We've been to Scotland, France, Spain, Hong Kong and are hoping for Australia after we get married, as that is where his father lives. None of these holidays affected our ability to work and maintain our relationship.

The thing is OP, if he is not willing to travel and you insist on it, you're going to have to do it on your own, unless you come up with a real compromise, and not one that involves your partner starting to settle in his 30s instead of late 20s.

donkey oatey

I think that you need to work out what you would like in a perfect world. Are you thinking of leaving long-term or for a couple of years? Do you want to back pack for a year or move around working? What work would you do? Which countries would you like to visit? When would you like to settle down?

And I think your boyfriend needs to expand his view a little. There are some excellent job opportunities out there with organisations like the WHO which would be amazing experience as a social worker. My friend is looking at a position where she would be helping kids in Thailand for a grand a month with travel and accommodation paid for and that's a lot of money over there. Also, I did a google and social workers are on the long-term shortage list! (http://www.myaustralianimmigration.com/questions/qa-what-are-the-requirements-for-emigrating-to-new-zealand-as-a-social-worker/)

My parents traveled around with me and my siblings and it was a great experience living in amazing places. I don't want you and your boyfriend to not consider the less ordinary way of settling down.

Merkin

ZORIGINALPOSTER123 wrote: »

We're both aware and accept that this could mean us having to go our seperate ways some time in the future. But he said he think thats is probably going to happen, whereas I have hope and faith that it doesnt have to.

He thinks this is me being overly optimistic and idealistic, which I admit I can be.

He said the only way it can work is making a compromise that will mean one person sacrifising way more than the other, because he is not really willing to change his plans at all, and he doesn't want me to have to either.

OP, reading between the lines it would seem he's trying to let you down gently. He has explicitly said he doesn't really see a future for you guys so what's stopping you? I wouldn't agonize about this too much. If you want to go off and travel then do so.

LegacyUser

ShaShaBear wrote: »

The fact is that if you plan on travelling at all, it means a long-distance relationship.
It is perfectly possible to see parts of the world without moving to them. My partner is settled in a business doing what he loves and has no intention on moving. I am studying for a degree, am in my final year, and job prospects here are very high. We can, at present, afford two holidays a year. We've been to Scotland, France, Spain, Hong Kong and are hoping for Australia after we get married, as that is where his father lives. None of these holidays affected our ability to work and maintain our relationship.

The thing is OP, if he is not willing to travel and you insist on it, you're going to have to do it on your own, unless you come up with a real compromise, and not one that involves your partner starting to settle in his 30s instead of late 20s.

donkey oatey wrote: »

I think that you need to work out what you would like in a perfect world. Are you thinking of leaving long-term or for a couple of years? Do you want to back pack for a year or move around working? What work would you do? Which countries would you like to visit? When would you like to settle down?

And I think your boyfriend needs to expand his view a little. There are some excellent job opportunities out there with organisations like the WHO which would be amazing experience as a social worker. My friend is looking at a position where she would be helping kids in Thailand for a grand a month with travel and accommodation paid for and that's a lot of money over there. Also, I did a google and social workers are on the long-term shortage list! (http://www.myaustralianimmigration.com/questions/qa-what-are-the-requirements-for-emigrating-to-new-zealand-as-a-social-worker/)

My parents traveled around with me and my siblings and it was a great experience living in amazing places. I don't want you and your boyfriend to not consider the less ordinary way of settling down.

Yeah I definitely do need to work out all those things. I've always known I wanted to do some travel but I havent ever decided on any exact plan or way to do it.

Until now, when I realised that if I do it on a long term basis it means having to pick travel over my relationship which I really don't want to do.

So I am more than willing to plan my travel around being able to have a relationship too. (IE just going for a few weeks or maybe a month at a time.)
I have already done a bit of travel in that way this year in fact when I went interrailling in Europe with some friends for a month. This had zero negative effects on my relationship and my boyfriend was happy with me doing it without him

I'd be happy to have another few trips like that in various parts of the world. I have also been looking into volunteering abroad, which also would only be for a few weeks.

It seems like he thinks this is me changing my plan and not doing what I want because of him and he'd feel bad if that was the case. But this isnt true. I had no real plans and I'm happy to make plans around him!

Despite my love of travel I am also a big homebird and I definitely want to settle down at home and wouldn't mind if I never spent time actually living abroad.

Merkin wrote: »

OP, reading between the lines it would seem he's trying to let you down gently. He has explicitly said he doesn't really see a future for you guys so what's stopping you? I wouldn't agonize about this too much. If you want to go off and travel then do so.

This is what I'm afraid of.... But I have asked him outright if this is how he feels and told him I'd rather he was honest with me if so and he's said its not, and that he loves me and still would love us to have a future together, but he doesnt want to hold me back. I believe him when he says this. I just need him to believe me when I tell him that he is in no way holding me back and I want to base my travel plans around us being able to stay together..