Seriously need help...

Mynewstoday

Right, I'll make this as quick as possible...

Met a girl, fell in love, all was great for the first year. Now we have been going out for two years, and for the last year we have been arguing all of the time.

I have tried to end it with this girl on numerous occasions, but she keeps threatening to kill herself, as she has no family(all deceased) and no friends(various reasons).

When I left her in May this year(for 2 weeks), she didn't go to work and stayed in her bedroom, with the curtains closed, drinking vodka all day long.

This girl suffers from anxiety and depression, and she is really bringing me down, especially lately, as her condition is getting worse.

I really don't know what to do, and feel like I am at my wits end with her, ad myself.

Other than 'just leave her', does anyone have any constructive advice? Help is needed.

chestylaroux

What a horrible situation!

You are being manipulated into feeling responsible for this girl's behaviour but she needs to take control of her own mental health.

If you don't feel like you can leave again just now, could you help her arrange counselling, GP apps etc to get her on the road to help?

You could be stuck in this situation indefinitely. It's not your responsibility to make up for the lack of people in her life, really it's not. There is a chance that you leaving might end up being the catalyst for her turning her life around, but as things stand I can't imagine that anything will change. She has you by the short and curlies.

Best of luck OP.

Mynewstoday

Chesty, you are 100% right.

1-it is not my responsibility to make up for the lack of people in her life, but it is a damm hard decision to leave her, knowing what she is capable of.

And

2-she has me by the short and curlies, and I have no f!#€ing idea what to do...

P1ssed off...

MagicMarker

Well you have two decisions, you can allow this girl to tie her emotional noose around YOUR neck for the rest of your life. Or you could do something about it NOW.

You're not responsible for. If you think she'll do something then call the police or the social welfare, anyone who can have her committed.

chestylaroux

You could look at it another way: you being there feeling impotent and unable to leave is stopping you both from potentially meeting people who would be better suited.

I left my ex several years ago because of his drinking. He threatened all sorts to get me to stay but it was just hot air. He was terrified of change and pulled desperate stunts to frighten me into staying. He is just fine now, and happier than before...so am I.

You just have to be brave. Even if she did do something to harm herself, it wouldn't be your fault. She is an adult person, making her own choices.

If you being there was going to help her, wouldn't she be getting better?

Yes, you might feel like the bad guy for a while, but you need to do what's right for you.

Cork selfbuild

OP, you really need to decide how valid are her threat? As Chesty said these can often just be cries for help, but they also cannot be.

You cannot continue with this emotional noose, it's really not fair of her to put you in that situation, in fact it's very selfish of her, you need to come up with an exit plan...

Do you live together? Who does she life with if not you?
Get some advice from Aware / Samarthans etc
Talk to her GP.

One problem I see...

Mynewstoday wrote: »

I have tried to end it with this girl on numerous occasions, but she keeps threatening to kill herself.

You appear to have alway given in and gone back to her, and nothing changes, this will continue until you break the cycle, get the advice, talk to some people, decide what you are going to do and how and just go through with it...

Good luck OP, it's a hard situation to be in when she is emotionally blackmailing you...

JenEffy

I was that girl once. You have to break up with her. I've been depressed and suicidal and I promise you that someone who is actually going to kill themselves won't tell anyone. If she was really going to seriously harm herself she'd keep it quiet so no one could stop her. You need to end it, and if she continues to threaten self-harm call an ambulance.

LegacyUser

JenEffy wrote: »

I've been depressed and suicidal and I promise you that someone who is actually going to kill themselves won't tell anyone.QUOTE]


the rest of your advice about is good but not not this part even if if the girl is bluffing dont say this to her.

op get in touch with social services

cookiexx

Is there anyone in this girl's life who you can call upon to maybe keep an eye on her, keep in contact with her once you've cut the chord? I know you said no family or friends, but surely there's someone else in the world besides you who cares about her...a work colleague perhaps, or a relative.

I think that's the best you can do at this stage, as it's blatantly obvious to anyone reading your post that you don't love her and she's putting a serious dent on your happiness. Call that person up, tell them you've broken up with her and she's been making threats and would they mind checking in with her regularly as you no longer will be, as per the break up.

Not a bad idea either to talk to Samaritans or Aware for advice, as someone else suggested.

wirelessdude01

Is it because of the arguments that you want out? Do you still love her and if the cause of the argument was sorted out could you see a future together? These are valid points that no one else seems to have rasied. If you don't see a future then just end it.

strobe

Terrible situation to be in.

I think my advice (take it or leave it for what it's worth) would be to suggest 'a break' from the relationship, that you will be there for her as a friend but that she clearly has issues and problems she needs to address and that you feel she needs to focus wholely on herself and getting herself better at this stage. Suggest counselling (a competent counsellor - it's a very profitable and high demand game to be in right now so there are probably about as many chancers, cowboys, and people that see clients as cash cows as there are competent ethical counselors) and maybe even help her arrange something. Then maintain contact to see how she's doing and offer her support, but do so very much as a friend (and be sure she knows that as things stand, that is what you are *friends*), through text/email and occassional calls and maybe the occasional meet-up for coffee or what have you. You don't say if you live together? If you do then you need to move into seperate places. If not, then as 'friends on a break' no sex, no dates and no sleeping over with each other.

With that I think you'll have done all you can or should do. Hopefully the counselling and your support as a friend can help and in time there will maybe even be the option of getting back together if that's what you both want, or not if it's not.

Best of luck man.

letssee7

strobe wrote: »

Terrible situation to be in.

I think my advice (take it or leave it for what it's worth) would be to suggest 'a break' from the relationship, that you will be there for her as a friend but that she clearly has issues and problems she needs to address and that you feel she needs to focus wholely on herself and getting herself better at this stage. Suggest counselling (a competent counsellor - it's a very profitable and high demand game to be in right now so there are probably about as many chancers, cowboys, and people that see clients as cash cows as there are competent ethical counselors) and maybe even help her arrange something. Then maintain contact to see how she's doing and offer her support, but do so very much as a friend (and be sure she knows that as things stand, that is what you are *friends*), through text/email and occassional calls and maybe the occasional meet-up for coffee or what have you. You don't say if you live together? If you do then you need to move into seperate places. If not, then as 'friends on a break' no sex, no dates and no sleeping over with each other.

With that I think you'll have done all you can or should do. Hopefully the counselling and your support as a friend can help and in time there will maybe even be the option of getting back together if that's what you both want, or not if it's not.

Best of luck man.

Perfect advice

She probably does need you as you a friend for now and it will take probably a year or more for her to recover from where she is, but you cannot be in a relationship like this.

Mynewstoday

Thanks for all the advice guys and gals.

Yea, we live together. It's such a nightmare at the moment.

She asked me to cancel my plans for this evening so we coukd talk. I came home from work today at 8:30 to find her on he second bottle of wine, and she was just a mess and can't figure out why I am upset with her.

I seriously think this girl is having a breakdown, and I just can't deal with it, because I no longer love her. It at the same time, I jut can't walk away from her.

She has attempted suicide in the past, so I think her threats are real, it at the same time, she refuses to speak to anyone. All she does is deliberately make her sutuation worse.

It's driving me up the walls and I just want out

Cork selfbuild

Does she think by making herself worse, its more likely to keep you there?

Coupled with the threats, it seems she has an issue with alcohol, but do you know which comes first? Alcohol then threats or threats then alcohol?

Living together does make it a lot harder to get out for sure, whose place is it? Yours / hers / shared?

Where the attempts real of just superficial, e.g. No desire to be successful or genuine attempt?

Mynewstoday

Yea, she does have an issue with drinking alright, but it's not a major one. The threats are really sporadic, and come from nowhere, and she always denies it when I mention it.

It's a shared apartment alright. i'm gonna leave for a few days and stay with a friend because I just cannot stand being here anymore.

Thanks folks

LegacyUser

My brother went through somehting very similar.

His gf would threaten suicide and I think made an attempt or two. He wasnted to get out but was guilted into taking her back.

15 years later they are married and she still treats him like ****, she has no concern for him or his welfare.

Leave and tell her that you;ll help her if she wants it. It's up to her to get on with her life - she is not your responsibility even if you think that sh eis.

Taltos

chestylaroux - welcome to PI/RI. As we have now removed 2 posts from two threads can you please take 5 minutes to read the respective charters. This forum is strictly moderated and we regularly issue warnings/infractions for posts that offer no advice.

most of all, if you have nothing relevant to add to the topic, please refrain from posting anything at all.
Off topic behaviour will result in a ban.

Similarly if you wish to show your support for a previous post use the thanks button, using a "/\/\ This /\/\" is similarly not welcome.

Thanks
Taltos

Cork selfbuild

Mynewstoday wrote: »

Yea, she does have an issue with drinking alright, but it's not a major one. The threats are really sporadic, and come from nowhere, and she always denies it when I mention it.

It's a shared apartment alright. i'm gonna leave for a few days and stay with a friend because I just cannot stand being here anymore.

Thanks folks

I think that is definitely the right place to start, ignore the cries for help that will come in, if you stay strong and stay away for the few days, it begins to break the dependency cycle.

It will not be easy and stress levels will probably be high, but this is no way for you to life either.

LegacyUser

At this stage you need to get as far away as possible from this woman.
You have told her that it is over and she tells you I will kill myself ect.
This is not a relationship and the longer you stay with her the worse it will get.
Also if she is drinking this will not improve her mood but just make her more depressed.

If she rings you when you are away tell her that you are no longer a couple. Tell her if she wants help with her drinking/issues that you will help her as a friend but that your relationship is over.
Tell her that you will go to her gp with her and tell her if I go with you I will tell the gp what you have been like with me. Her gp needs to get a picture of what she is like to help her out. She sounds like she may have some mental health problems but she has to be willing to help herself at this stage.

She need to know that you are no longer going to put your life on hold and stay in a realtionship that is going no where and is making you miserable.
If she contacts you and tells you that she done something to harm herself tell her I will ring an ambulance for you but I am not coming back to have a realationship with you.

fupduck

I know this may seem totally random, but has your girlfriend ever had problems with her menstrual cycle? Severe PMT can totally screw with a womans mindset and mood. The fact you say that the threats can 'come from nowhere' seem to suggest that the threats are irrational, and not caused by a specific argument or situation. In some cases, the pre-menstrual symptoms can last for a good proportion of the month, and not just the couple of days before the woman is due her period. If a woman is in the grip of severe PMT, she knows that she feels desperate, angry, desolate, and frightened, but may not realise that the cause is actually hormonal rather than her partner stirring his tea in the wrong way!
Of course, this may not be the actual problem, but I think a visit to a GP is a good idea either way, either for help with PMT (if it is indeed a cause) or for a course of anti-depressants. Anti-depressants will not 'cure' the problem, but are designed to 'lift' the mood enabling the person to better 'handle' their feelings
Best of luck OP xx