Multiple cheater - is there hope?

LegacyUser

I'm not looking for opinions on what I should do - I know in the end that is up to me. I guess I'm looking for hope. I need to get it off my chest somewhere...

My world turned upside down recently. I've been with my girlfriend 4 years which have been fantastic. We had our ups and downs but she adored me and I adored her. I always had a suspicion however that she did something 2 years ago when she went away to a music festival, and last week I confronted her about it. With some reluctance she admitted it. She had sex with a guy there. Her excuse was that she had taken an ecstasy pill, her first time, and the whole thing just happened...she was overwhelmed or whatever you want to call it.

I'd been struggling with that but found it in my heart to forgive her. Then a few days later she sat me down and told me that she "couldn't let you only half forgive me, you need to know everything". She had been away this summer for 5 weeks and made friends with a guy. They got on great, partly because he spoke English and few others did. The last week they got drunk and slept together. On the last day she slept with him again, sober, apparently because she felt so guilty and down and she just wanted to feel loved and the fact he wanted her made her feel good.

She kept in touch a lot with this latest guy when she came back, chatting online on facebook, even sending him a photo of her when she got her hair done. She says that one way or the other they were good friends from spending so much time together and getting on so well. And she was afraid if she ignored him he might tell me and she'd lose me.

Now I've done some ****ty things myself, but never cheated. Last year I didnt get her a Valentine's day card, and got her a **** present. Before all of this, I never showed up to her graduation. Just before she went away this summer I never showed up to her birthday.
I know I've made her feel unloved at times, and she's the type of girl that needs to feel loved. She was sexually abused in her childhood and maybe it comes from there, I don't know...

Strange thing is that all this came out at once. And even stranger is that only since this happened did I tell her my true feelings - that I actually felt she was the one and wanted to marry her and have kids one day. She has said the same. Both our reasons for only saying it now is that we thought the other would run a mile.

I'm so full of anger, mistrust, betrayal. We've booked a relationship councillor to see what will happen. But my heart really does love her. She was my entire world, even if I never convinced her of that. She has been down on her hands and knees begging me, telling me I'm really the one she wants in life, she'll do anything to get me back.

Can there be valid reasons for doing what she did? Any similar stories that worked out? Is there hope???

LegacyUser

I forgot to say, she was away working in a centre. So she practically lived with this guy for two weeks

You never showed up to her graduation or her birthday? You got her a terrible present and a crappy card? OK, you can somewhat excuse the card and present, but the graduation and birthday is pretty damned deplorable. Did you have a valid excuse for not showing up?

It just sounds like you're a crappy boyfriend and she's a crappy girlfriend. How you have been together 4 years is beyond me, but it seems time to finish it.

LegacyUser

I was busy working both times and just couldn't get the time off.

Do you think you can trust her again? That's probably the biggest question.

CaraMay

Shenzhou wrote: »

I was busy working both times and just couldn't get the time off.

So did she know this in advance?

Sounds like a cocked up relationship. She repeatedly cheated on you because she felt unloved. If that we're me I would have dumped you and found someone who made me feel loved. No matter what slant she puts on it, she has repeatedly cheated rather than deal with the issues in your relationship. Counselling may help but it sounds bad all round.

LegacyUser

If she can change, then yes.

If I can understand REALLY why she did what did and fix that, then yes, I can trust her.

I can't deny that she has shown me so much love over the years...taking me away on holidays when I had no money, foot massages after a long day's work, all the homemade birthday and goodluck cards...its the small things I guess

LegacyUser

OP I have being going through issues with my OH, where he doesnt bother his arse with me. He's lazy and he just shows no effort to care about me. This has been going on months now. It's been BREAKING my heart honestly!

I sat him down 2 weeks ago and said out-straight, although I would never cheat on him and I love him to bits, he is gradually pushing me away and I will start looking elsewhere because I feel so useless to him. As I said I would never cheat on him, so I told him I would break it off with him and then go find someone who will actually treat me the way I deserve to be treated. He got a massive fright and it gave him the kick up the arse he needed.

What your girlfriend did was totally wrong! Really it was. However, you have played some part in it. To me it looks like you couldnt be bothered with her either. Does not give her an excuse to sleep with other people. But can you see where I'm coming from? Feeling unloved and useless to your OH is soul destroying. Doesnt mean you can cheat but I think you obviously hurt her, not turning up to her BIRTHDAY! Are you for real man!

Good luck with the counselling, but once the trust is gone, you have nothing. Probably not what you want to hear but that's the truth!

LegacyUser

I regret what I did and know I was a **** for doing it. I really do regret it.

But I feel if we can get this out in the air, and both recognise what we did wrong, there might be hope. I really do love her...

With regards to the counselling, yeah, it might be an idea, but it kinda seems like she really needs to do it by herself as well. You mentioned that she was sexually abused as a child and might have some lingering issues with this.

OP, it seems like she was making an effort for you, you weren't reciprocating, so she just went elsewhere. Instead of trying to change or her doing the same, ask yourself whether it is a relationship worth having?

LegacyUser

Yes...to me this is a woman I want in my life.

Maybe this is the biggest kick up the arse of my life that I needed! I really do love her. I know she loves me. This has opened my eyes

ford2600

Is the sex abuse something you have just learned about her past or have you always known it? Was it told to you in last confrontation?
For me ni getting trust back.

Good luck

MugMugs

Shenzhou wrote: »

I know she loves me. This has opened my eyes

Does she though? She slept with some bloke and then did it again while sober and you reckon she loves you? Eh, if she loved you drink or no drink she wouldn't have slept with him.

Deleted User wrote: »

You never showed up to her graduation or her birthday? You got her a terrible present and a crappy card? OK, you can somewhat excuse the card and present, but the graduation and birthday is pretty damned deplorable. Did you have a valid excuse for not showing up?

It just sounds like you're a crappy boyfriend and she's a crappy girlfriend. How you have been together 4 years is beyond me, but it seems time to finish it.

Sorry but that does not excuse what she has done.

MugMugs

MugMugs wrote: »

Does she though? She slept with some bloke and then did it again while sober and you reckon she loves you? Eh, if she loved you drink or no drink she wouldn't have slept with him.



Sorry but that does not excuse what she has done.

Not at all. I wasn't saying that one excused the other, merely saying that in this relationship, both are in the wrong. And I was asking whether there was a valid reason for him not turning up to those things, which there seemingly was to an extent.

moochers

Your gf had sex with two different guys while in a relationship with you. That is inexcusable and unforgivable. If it was me, I'd walk away.

wirelessdude01

Relationship is doomed. After 4 years you both throught the other would run if ye both told the other eactly what you were thinking. Something seriously wrong with that situation after 4 years together.

dellas1979

Re the birthday and grad situation, how is that your fault if you had to work/couldnt get time off? Were you to hand in your notice or something.

I really dont get why people are on your back for this (yourself included).

Enlighten me.

Thats not crappy behaviour by you, that reality.

Sounds like you are blaming yourself for her cheating. It is easier to blame ourselves when things go wrong, for the fright you get that you might loose something. That was her choice. Her morals. Her decision. You didnt make her.

MagicMarker

You would be an absolute fool to stay with this women.

She WILL cheat again. None of your behavior excuses hers.

Bullseye

OP you did nothing wrong, you had to work so you couldn't go to her graduation/birthday. Did she get you a valentines day card every year?

padz

yep shes a cheater, she should have had the balls have to say she felt unloved if that was the case, tired of this excuse from women, as the above poster said when she did challenge her bf things changed,... yes women do cheat because they feel uncared for but theres a lot more to it than than, im sure ur man didnt look like the back end of a buss and she was prob drinking, 5wks away for the summer prob did it, 3 or 4 weeks... ok its a month.... 5 weeks away no...
i wouldnt have a relationship with her, the music festival thing is b.s also, it was her choice to take drugs, and get messed up sourounded by men which lets be honest is goin to lead to sex

beks101

Yeah don't get the grief you're getting over the no-shows, sounds like you had a valid reason & your girlfriend was aware you couldn't go? Crap, but that's life isn't it. Hardly on a par with her having sex with two randomers and blaming it on taking a pill / feeling "guilty" and needing "love" ( most appalling excuse I've ever heard in my life btw, can't believe she fed you that one with a straight face)

It sounds like you'll do anything to convince yourself she had valid reason and if you're a bit more attentive, it won't happen again. You're looking to blame anything - yourself for getting here a crap V Day present (come on), her for her messed up childhood. Forget this crap about your gf being some special case who "needs to feel loved", I need love, we all need love, doesn't mean we're gonna shag the next thing that pays us attention as soon as our partner is out of the picture for a few days. She's not some fragile doll who was forced into her actions; she betrayed you and chose to do so repeatedly.

Maybe as you say this will be the catalyst for change for the both of you. Maybe the counsellor will help you to get to the root of your relationship issues. But be aware it won't happen without your gf taking full responsibility for what she's done & dropping the excuses, and for you to acknowledge the betrayal & your associated feelings, instead of creating excuses for her.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

"Now I've done some ****ty things myself, but never cheated. Last year I didnt get her a Valentine's day card, and got her a **** present. Before all of this, I never showed up to her graduation. Just before she went away this summer I never showed up to her birthday.
I know I've made her feel unloved at times, and she's the type of girl that needs to feel loved. She was sexually abused in her childhood and maybe it comes from there, I don't know..."

You say you had to work but a birthday by definition lasts 24h. Couldn't you really not make it? Even after work?? Same about graduation - even if you missed the actual graduation, did you show up for drinks/celebrations afterwards?

There's no such a thing as a "type of girl that needs to feel loved". We all needed to feel loved, girls and guys. And you didn't really didn't seem to put much effort there. I would be awfully hurt if my bf wouldn't show up for my graduation/birthday etc.

I'm sorry, OP, but sounds like you used to take her for granted, and now that you realised she has other options and she did explore those options and you might lose her, you profess your love/adoration for her.

The fact that she confided the abuse on you doesn't make her a "vulnerable weirdo" that is high maintenance and needs special attention. It's just another indication that she trusted you at some point in the relationship and probably really loved you loads. Sounds like she felt like she was wasting her time and decided to make up for it.

Sorry I can't offer more help but it might be a bit too late for the two of you.

Nerdlingr

She cheated on you 2 years into the relationship and has cheated again twice with some guy she knew for 2 weeks. F*ck that dude, I'd be out of there. Who knows what else she's done, and she'll probably do it again in the future. So you forgot to get her a card on valentines and never went to her birthday/grad (dont see how you could not have booked off work but anyway..) but they dont compare to sleeping with someone. If it was me i'd be sickened of the thought of my GF going back for seconds with some guy she just met.

ShaShaBear

And get tested for STIs.
If she was so out of it on E that she couldn't stop herself having sex with someone, there is a good chance that she didn't ask for a condom to be used.

And as for the second dude, whatever about sleeping with him with drink on her, but doing it again sober, and keeping in touch with him because she was afraid he would tell you?? That shows she KNEW it was wrong and that you would not approve, and she did it anyway.

judgefudge

Doesn't seem like she is really taking responsibility for what she has done and you're not helping by making excuses for her. So you had to work on her birthday and graduation? That's not an excuse to cheat on somebody. Hell even if you were a bad boyfriend that doesn't give her a reason to sleep with other guys.

I've been cheated on in the past with someone I was with for the same length of time. I did what you're doing now, made excuses for him, blamed myself etc. Basically I was just too afraid to face up to the fact that it was dead in the water.

I think you need to take a long hard look at why you are trying to forgive her, whether it's possible to do it, and whether she even deserves it. To be honest anyone who makes excuses for why they have cheated, and hide it for so long, are really dodgy in my book.

You may just have to find out the hard way. Good luck with it.

2Mad2BeMad

In my opinion, if my gf cheated on me once, I'd probably leave her, and chances of getting back with her again would be very very slim
but to happen twice? 3 times if you count the same person while sober? she has no excuses mate
the relationship is ruined, their can never be any trust between you and her, something will always be on your mind about it

I'd feel actually sick thinking that my own gf slept with someone else, held it in and me continuing to have a relationship with her, knowing someone else slept with her while we were together

dump her, theirs been abused as a child but that doesnt come into this at all, dont let that be an excuse for it. You'll find someone else who you will love and who will love you back just as much with a new relationship comes new found trust,
Don't think anyone could go on in a relationship without trust, too much hassle and stress

I feel sorry for you pal, even her holding it in for 2 years is just showing that she didnt feel guilty at all

ShaShaBear

2Mad2BeMad wrote: »

I feel sorry for you pal, even her holding it in for 2 years is just showing that she didnt feel guilty at all

And who knows what she has chosen not to divulge yet.
I wouldn't be surprised if she volunteered this extra piece of information in the hopes that you would forgive her and not delve further into her comings and goings.

heretochat

ShaShaBear wrote: »

And who knows what she has chosen not to divulge yet.
I wouldn't be surprised if she volunteered this extra piece of information in the hopes that you would forgive her and not delve further into her comings and goings.

I agree with this 100%.. I would think you have only scraped the tip of the iceberg.

She is a serial cheater and you are better off leaving her now.. And like one of the posters said an STI test may not be a bad idea.