Age difference - does it matter?

Mooby

Hi there
Have just started dating a guy who is 16 years older than me. We seem to have a lot in common and click emotionally/intellectually (so far!) When we're together, the age difference doesn't come into it but looking ahead I can see how it might be a problem.
Anyone have opinions or experience of this?
Thanks!

Neyite

I know a couple who had a bigger age gap - almost 20 years, and it was a wonderful relationship that lasted to old age . Not always rosy, but they both were committed to making it work and flourish. They came from very different backgrounds too.

MagicMarker

Depends.

Are you 15 and he 31? Then that's a problem.

Are you 20 and he 36? Then that's not a problem, although a bit weird imo.

Once it's legal, who cares?

Mooby

We're both legal I'm thinking ahead to when I am 50 and he's 66 sort of thing.

Legs.Eleven

I think it's more about where you are in your life. You don't want a situation where you feel an imbalance in power in the relationship and you want to feel on equal footing with the person you're with. For example, if you're in college living at home with your parents and not earning and he's working living independently, you might have problems and it probably won't last.

Mooby

No imbalance like that.. you're making me wonder what I'm worried about!
One good thing about going out with an older man and that is that you will always look young by comparison!

Emme

Mooby wrote: »

No imbalance like that.. you're making me wonder what I'm worried about!
One good thing about going out with an older man and that is that you will always look young by comparison!

That's true but you should still take care of yourself - dating an older man is no reason to let yourself go, especially as you get older yourself.

I think your age difference is insignificant as long as you get on. Most people agree that as long as the age difference is in favour of the man a relationship can work. A lot of the boys here are all in favour of older man:younger woman relationship. However if the age gap is in favour of the woman then the man might start going off her when she starts getting old and wrinkly before him

Seriously, the age difference will get less significant if you stay together and grow old together. Older and divorced/separated/widowed men tend to go for younger women in second relationships so you might find that his friends partners are the same age as you in years to come.

Obliq

Mooby wrote: »

No imbalance like that.. you're making me wonder what I'm worried about!
One good thing about going out with an older man and that is that you will always look young by comparison!

....and that can be somewhat of a problem at times. I have always gone for older men (my OH is only 10 years older than me, but the previous 2 exes were 14 & 15 older). The difficulties I found with looking younger were mainly with their female friends of their own age or thereabouts. Whatever about your own sense of self esteem (and it may need to be pretty good depending on his friends!), I found that some of these women friends would feel nearly compelled to point out how young/like a baby/fresh-faced/thin I looked at every opportunity. I imagined that always said more about their age-related issues than my youthfulness, but it's a conversation stopper and no mistake!

With my OH, I have no age difference issues, but have had problems before with the exes in wanting different ways of life - I wanted to go out/he did not (and had a problem with me going out without him), I liked listening to current music/ex persisted in turning it off, I (admittedly) got increasingly frustrated with yet another shirt/jeans/sensible shoes combo when he could have looked less like my dad (and better) in a more modern look :rolleyes:

Really these all say something about how shallow I was and how the love just wasn't there than what he should have been doing! It's the petty little stuff tbh, that ends up being a larger issue if the relationship isn't right, anyway, so in my opinion that's the time that age would become an issue.

Emme

Obliq wrote: »

....and that can be somewhat of a problem at times. I have always gone for older men (my OH is only 10 years older than me, but the previous 2 exes were 14 & 15 older). The difficulties I found with looking younger were mainly with their female friends of their own age or thereabouts. Whatever about your own sense of self esteem (and it may need to be pretty good depending on his friends!), I found that some of these women friends would feel nearly compelled to point out how young/like a baby/fresh-faced/thin I looked at every opportunity. I imagined that always said more about their age-related issues than my youthfulness, but it's a conversation stopper and no mistake!

Ah yes, older women! We are the bane of the universe and should be culled to allow older men to have free rein of younger women without retribution.

Seriously, this is something that should wash over the OP like water off a duck's back. Her boyfriend chose her so what difference does it make if a few women of his age make some smart comments? It might make it easier for her to put herself in their shoes. If you're an older woman, single and finding it hard to meet someone it rankles to see men your age dating much younger women while if you were to date men with the same age gap the dates would consist of you giving them their pills, changing their incontinence pads and pushing them around in their wheelchairs!

Obliq

Emme wrote: »

Ah yes, older women! We are the bane of the universe and should be culled to allow older men to have free rein of younger women without retribution.

Seriously, this is something that should wash over the OP like water off a duck's back. Her boyfriend chose her so what difference does it make if a few women of his age make some smart comments? It might make it easier for her to put herself in their shoes. If you're an older woman, single and finding it hard to meet someone it rankles to see men your age dating much younger women while if you were to date men with the same age gap the dates would consist of you giving them their pills, changing their incontinence pads and pushing them around in their wheelchairs!

Totally agree that it rankles - just saying to the OP that in varying degrees, it can be made pretty obvious to the younger woman that it does indeed rankle with some women and she may need to have a thick skin about it. I personally had some self-esteem issues at the time of being with much older men, and had trouble with the notion of "not being liked"! By anyone, not just women friends of my ex, so I definitely did come across "looking younger" as a problem.

It shouldn't make a difference, you're right. However, occasionally it can - depending on emotional maturity (which I didn't have in spades at the time). Ok?! I think part of my difficulty was having no bother at all putting myself in the older woman's shoes and viewing myself with a bit of cynicism/embarrassment (hence creating a problem for myself, instead of letting it straight over my head).

Legs.Eleven

I also have to be honest with you, OP. I've dated older men (oldest was 14 years older than me) and my current fella is 10 years older than me and the fact is, the man is aging 10/14/whatever years ahead of you. You might feel like the same age in mind but physically, they are at a different stage in life to you. My boyfriend is fit and is out swimming as I type this but he's still a man in his early 40s and all that being in your early 40s brings, is present. No one is immune to aging, woman or man.

I obviously have no problems going out with older men but I'd be sure that the man in question is in good shape and is reasonably healthy - that's one deal breaker for me when it comes to older men. If they're out of shape, that plus the age will take it's toll and it'll only get worse as time goes on.




I've personally never had any negative comments from his female friend's his age and get along with them very well. I've never had any comments from anyone at all tbh; you'll always meet someone who has something to say about everything, so feck 'em.

Wibbs

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

I obviously have no problems going out with older men but I'd be sure that the man in question is in good shape and is reasonably healthy - that's one deal breaker for me when it comes to older men. If they're out of shape, that plus the age will take it's toll and it'll only get worse as time goes on.

This in a big way. Though I'd add that while no one is immune to aging, people can age at very different rates. Especially mentally/emotionally, but also physically. I know 50 year old men that are in better physical condition than many 25 year old men. A truly hyper fit 40 year old is gonna trounce the average 20 year old. Yer man Redgrave the rower from England won his third Olympic medal in his 40's.

I've seen the diffs with guys I grew up with and being *ahem* mid 40's myself I have some experience of this. Some were 25 going on 60. One guy I knew at 19 - no that aint a typo - became middle aged in mindset and body damn near overnight. While the physical can of course be a major issue, IMHO it's in the mental/emotional sphere where age will really take it's toll on a relationship. After all even 25 year olds can become chronically ill and keep on going.

I've seen this age gap thing in my own family, so I've more of an idea than most I'd reckon(EG my dad was 14 years older than my mum*). Most of the men seem to end up with younger women. Some work really well and some really don't. The ones that work well are those where the men and women are of a similar mental and emotional outlook. Just like any relationship really. In my experience such as it is? Warning signs are guys who see themselves as a "certain age". The "I'm 30/40/50" so therefore I should think/act [insert age appropriate behavior here]" Big red flag. Another is a man not too pushed with new experience, cos "they've seen it all before". Another big red flag. Both youth and old age are convinced they're right. Real wisdom at any age is realising "Christ Ted I'm barely scratching the surface here, but dammit I want to keep scratching".





*When I was a kid I didn't realise this. As a kid you don't. The joke is my 20 a day rothmans dad came away with a load of medals in the fathers races on my school sports days and more than me. It's only later I realised he was ten or even twenty years older than my mates dads.

JenEffy

That's a big age gap but it really does depend on both ye're maturity/interests/stage of life, etc. I'm 24 and my boyfriend just turned 21 but we're very similar as regards our interests, etc. Whereas my sister's boyfriend is only 22 and acts like an old man, which wouldn't suit most girls at this age.

OP as this is more of a general discussion than advice I am going to lock this, I hope you got what you needed
thanks