35 and never been in a relationship

LegacyUser

I am a 35 year old guy and I've never been in a relationship and its really getting me down. I have always had low self esteem and very little confidence in myself probably because I used to be very fat at 22 stone , I have managed to get down to 17 stone but I wont be happy and put myself out there until I get down to 13.5.

Now getting into shape looking good and putting myself out there is one thing put there are 2 issues that worry me

1. What is any potential partner going to think when I tell her I've never had a girlfriend before, its just going to look so weird

2. I have very few friends with most of them having settled down with family and Kids so my weekends are very boring, I am concerned that this will be another big turn off , what I need to do is force myself to go out and get involved in things and get more interests because at the moment I reckon I would come across as a quite boring person

Any advice is appreciated

thegreatgonzo

It isn't weird not to have had a girlfriend, it might be a bit unusual but so what. Some would see it as being baggage free. Personally I think people that go from one relationship to another without ever being on their own are a bit weird but that's only my opinion. Anyway you don't have to tell your life story to every woman you just meet.
You probably will come across a bit boring if you have no interests. I don't know where you live but you could look up all the clubs on meetup.com and see if any of them sound appealing. You might even develop interests in things you never considered before or thought you couldn't do.

TheminxIRL

First off congrats on the weight loss, thats a great achievement.

Im a girl slightly older than you and if I meet someone new, the past will be irrelevant unless it plays into the future, say if someone had kids and a good or bad relationship with the other parent.

When you meet someone all that is important is the here and now and the future. Nobody really cares about what has or hasnt happened in the past relationship wise in my opinion.

It wouldnt put me off to be honest and I think that when you do meet someone they will be the lucky one who will be with you for all the new experiences and that is something to look forward to not be embarrassed by.

Good luck, get yourself out there and forget the past. Live for the here and now and grab life by the bits!!

SurferRosa

Well done on the weight loss!
I can't offer much advice, but as a 31 year old woman, I just wanted to assure you that any decent woman will not mind your relationship history ( or lack of). It may even be a plus for anyone prone to jealousy!
When I met my husband he'd never had a girlfriend either, I never judged him on it at all, the lack of experience doesn't matter either, we both learned pretty quickly
In terms of meeting someone, I would starting taking steps now to start dating, you don't have to be perfect
Good luck!

secondcap

I think you might be thinking too much!! The problem with being in failed realtionships is with the best best will in the world you bring your baggge and hurt with you, speaking from experience sometimes its better to be new to something, good luck

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Confifence is the trick.

I know people who were virgins up until their late 20s, (and in one case early 30s, or so I'm led to believe) but just didn't let it bother them, and I think this was their best trait. Certainly women respected them for it.

And so the same with you. Don;t be afraid of it or ashamed of it, it's just the way things happened. C'est la vie. I think you may even find some girls liking that aspect of you.

One other thing: you may come up against someone who does judge you and sneer and think your weird, and if that happens, to hell with them and move on. Don't let the them get you down

Rubylolz

Congrats on the weight loss you should be proud of yourself! I agree with the other posters, your overthinking what other people may \ may not think!... I would have no issue with going out with someone that had no serious girlfriend previously, its alot better than having a jealous ex lurking behind every corner!...

Wabbit Ears

I know NOTHING about any of my wifes previous relationships and I have Never discussed any of my previous girlfriends with her beyoond some of them being in the circle of extended friends so appear on facebook etc.


I know tons of people whos interests do not extend much beyond soap operas and the X factor, never worry about being boring, theres tons of people who like the things that interest you and chances are you do have interests that are not mainstream but with the internet that doesnt really matter as much as it used to.

I think its justy important to know who you are, what interests you and be passionate about that. You will probably share very few of those interests with your partner but chalk and cheese really is what works.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I think there a lot of issues mixed up here and it's easier if we address one at a time.

Let's start with your worry it would be "strange" to meet someone and say it's your first relationship: well, I know a lot of people who might have had a few relationships, but none longer than 3 months. They worry about that. I have two friends who are 36, only slept with one guy in their lives and divorced them and are worried about that. I do know of 2 girls who are over 40 and are virgins. And I know of other people who are worried because they had way "too many" partners. So there you go.

We are all self-conscious and have different life histories. From my side, I'd be kind of flattered if I went out with a guy who said he was never in a relationship before. It may be silly, but I would feel special, he would have no "baggage" and I would also feel more confident because I wouldn't feel threatened by all his "great" exes.

The only problem I see in your post is that you are kind of waiting to be "perfect" (in your eyes) to go out there and be confident and find a gf and above all, to enjoy life. I tell you, this is not gonna happen - being perfect, I mean.

I'm not trying to discourage you. Being overweight is a killer for our confidence. I've been there. But regarding that, I can tell you, there are girls who are actually attracted to heavy guys (look up "female fat admirers", "girls who like husky guys" and all these things). I'm one of them, btw. Then you have the second category, the girls who don't mind much the guy's look. They fall in love for their personality/sense of humour/intelligence. Then there's the 3rd group of girls, who might not be into heavy guys by default (media influence and all that jazz) but might "learn" to be attracted to do them due to their personality or just because they are hot and that's it. (silly eg: I hated my ex's curly hair and skinny legs, but after falling in love with him, I couldn't stop touching his curls and I thought he looked agile with those stick legs ). So if you combine these 3 groups, that's a lot of girls there!

Waiting till all the traffic lights are green to leave the house is a waste of time. Especially if you have high standards/expectations for yourself as it sounds like you do. I find that the longer I isolated myself, the harder it gets to go out there and talk to people and be natural and relaxed.

So my advice to you would be - go out there, please don't overthink, hang around with friends, pursue interests and hobbies, try internet dating (I love it! If all goes wrong, you still make a good friend), and if you encounter rejection, please do not go back "to your shell" thinking "it's because you are fat/inexperienced". Rejection happens to everybody and it sucks but it's part of the game, so please develop a thicker skin.

Go out there and have fun and live your life and enjoy yourself. I'm sure you have LOADS to offer to so many people, and to so many girls. Be kind to yourself, be patient, learn to appreciate (and highlight) your stronger points... and regarding confidence, "fake it till you make it".

All the best