Fiance just doesn't care

LegacyUser

I am really in a tough position with my fiance, I feel as though he is constantly letting me down and doesn't seem to care. We work long days, I get home an hour before him and I have dinner ready for him every day. But on the days I'm in work and he's off, he waits til I come home to cook. I do all the cleaning, he doesn't even move his plate from the table. He borrowed money from me 5 months ago and hasn't given it back. Everytime I bring money up he gets angry at me and gives me the silent treatment. I had to go to finance in work and get a pay advance last month just to manage as I pay all the rent myself.

I can't bring money up with him at all without him getting angry. When he gets in from work he asks me to heat his dinner, then everyday without fail he puts on the playstation and ignores me. When he finally gets into bed he puts a movie on the laptop and I fall asleep without any real interaction with him. Today was his day off but I was working from 8.30am to 7pm. At 5pm he told me he was going to his friends house to play games but said he'd be back by 8. I called him just now and he said he won't be back til after nine. The last time this happened he got horrendously drunk and didn't show up until 3am at which stage he was so drunk he even wet himself.

We are meant to get married in January but I feel so hurt and even though he says he loves me I don't feel like he really cares about me. But I really want him to. Is there anyway I can get him to be more thoughtful and to think about how I am?

I got test results back from the doc recently and have been referred to the hospital for the coming week. He has asked me once over the phone what the doctor thinks is wrong and I said we could discuss it at home. When he got home, the playstation went on and that was that. I am going to hospital Monday and he still doesn't really know why. It's like he just doesn't care. I feel really alone.

daisybelle2008

Run as fast as you can. That is insane, under no circumstances should you consider marrying this man.

Tigger99

I'm not surprised you feel alone. That all sounds like such a lonely life

To be honest, why should you try to make him more thoughtful? I'd be having a hard conversation with him asking him if he wants to be in a relationship with you? Either way I'm not sure if it's a good idea to get married in January. Yes you might loose deposits etc but I've been there and trust me, short term pain is better than a marriage with someone you don't want to be married to.

Hugs my dear, there is much much more to life than being treated so miserably.

The_Conductor

OP- how can you seriously consider spending the rest of your life with him?
He seems like a pig of the highest order- he has absolutely no consideration for you, your feelings, your finances or anything else. Things are not going to miraculously get better when you get married. What happens if you get pregnant- you'd be like a lone parent to two children- not just one. This guy seems like an immature oaf of the highest order- you should run, run very fast.

strandroad

Why exactly would you like to marry him? He wouldn't be bothered to turn up.

Please find someone decent, he's hopeless.

Merkin

OMG please do not even think of marrying this person. He is a man boy who has not yet matured to a fully functioning adult and you will be left carrying the can while you're with him.Nip this in the bud, far easier to get out of a wedding than it is a marriage.

Goldenlady

OP, this is not right and you know it deep down. Its so hard as at this stage your wedding is probably booked and paid for, but you need to put that aside. you need to think about yourself and if you are happy to spend the rest of your life like this. Imagine adding children to this equation - how hard would it be then!
Take some time out, take a step back from the situation and look at it from a different view. you are probably afraid of being on your own,, but don't be. You are lonely now and in a relationship, at least if you are on your own you can go and do stuff to pass time etc. best of luck to you x

Big Bag of Chips

Why do you pay all the rent? Does he pay all the bills to cover his share? I'm guessing he gets angry and fights with you because he knows he has no defense.

I'm not going to tell you you should finish with him, but if you are going to stay with him you need to be able to talk things through. Life only gets harder as we grow older. If you have kids they often add a strain to a relationships. You already have a health issue.. whether it's serious or not is not relevant at the moment. The fact is he is not supporting you. You can't depend on him to help you.

If you cannot get him to sit down and talk through problems with you now, do you think that will change in 5 years? 10 years? 40 years??

You need to get him to realise how serious this is for you. If you can't, then you have a lot of thinking to do.......

dipdip

I'm very shocked by your post.

Please leave him, at once.

And maybe go to counselling to figure out how you can break the cycle of being in a relationship with someone who treats you like dirt and yet you still plan a wedding with them.

If a friend of yours told you what you've just told us, what would you advise them to do?

Please, get out of this mess. Once you are over the shock you will feel happy again!

Rubylolz

OP I feel so sorry for you!... Your Fiance is being an asshole! I know your probably in love with the guy but seriously you deserve alot more then what he is giving, an i really would fear for what he will be like when ye are married!... Dont let him walk all over you.
I hope you have a family member or close friend that you can speak to about your doctors apt \ your health issues dont keep it all inside share it with someone as no doubt your probably in a heap about it an worrying.

Tramps Like Us

Chances are OP that this has been a gradual thing over a long time that you can't appreciate just how bad it is - had it been like this from day one you would have not gone out with him. I'm afraid to say that I don't think you should marry this man even if he temporarily improves, this can only get worse, I mean you aren't even married yet, this is the type of behavior that you sometimes hear about with couples who have been married donkeys years

Paddy Cow

You pay all the rent, put yourself in debt to give him money, do all the cooking and cleaning and the little sh!t can't even be arsed to ask you about your hospital appointment? It might sound harsh but he is taking you for a mug and will never respect you. Please do not marry this man or things will only get worse. As hard as it would be to leave him, he is the type of jerk I could see running off with someone else, leaving you doubly devastated.

cactusgal

+1 to everything previous posters have said. January is still far away - if you call off the wedding, you're still doing it well in advance. I was in a situation somewhat similar to yours a few years ago. I cancelled my wedding ten weeks before it was to happen and it was truly the best decision I ever made. Life is a short and precious gift. Please don't waste yours on the wrong person. Good luck. Xxx

Tasden

OP I was in a relationship almost identical to yours but had a child with him. Eventually, after years of being unhappy and underappreciated like you are he actually left me, best thing that ever happened to me. At the time I felt it wasn't but my God am I so much happier! Thing is though, he is still the waster he always was and has left me to bring up our child alone with no support- he sees her intermittently when it suits him. He has told me many times that he wants me back/knows what he did wrong/he'll change etc. He never does. He's been given chances and is still as selfish as ever. You are so much better than this. Leave him and be happy. Honestly the weight will be lifted from your shoulders.

LegacyUser

lonelytimes wrote: »

I am really in a tough position with my fiance, I feel as though <b>he is constantly letting me down and doesn't seem to care</b>. We work long days, I get home an hour before him and <b>I have dinner ready for him every day</b>. But on the days I'm in work and he's off, he waits til I come home to cook. <b>I do all the cleaning, he doesn't even move his plate from the table</b>. <b>He borrowed money from me 5 months ago and hasn't given it back</b>. Everytime I bring money up he gets angry at me and gives me the silent treatment. I had to go to finance in work and get a pay advance last month just to manage as <b>I pay all the rent myself</b>.

Oh sweetie, even the first paragraph says it all. Have a good hard think about what <b>you</b> are getting from this relationship. He is getting someone who waits on him hand and foot, who pays his rent, who lends him money he doesn't feel like he has to repay. Giving you the silent treatment when you bring these topics up is passive aggressive behaviour that is controlling in so far as it stops you from standing up for yourself. People like this destroy our confidence and make us unsure of ourselves so we don't see the woods for the trees.

You have one life. One. Spend it better. You deserve better. You do.

bronte

This man has zero respect for you. Do yourself a massive favour and get out now. You'll be dodging a major bullet.

fermanagh_man

Sell his playstation and laptop and recoup some of the money he owes you

wirelessdude01

When did he become like this or has he always been like this throughout your relationship? If he has always been like this then why wait until now to become concerned about it? Either way you probably already know what you need to do inorder to be kind to yourself but getting the courage to do what is needed is something else. Hopefully you do what you need inorder to be happy for yourself.

trio

Well he certainly isn't going to change after the wedding. People don't suddenly start appreciating you just because they ate some fruitcake.

He doesn't have a fiance, he has a Mammy. It suits him down to the ground. I bet he pays no heed to his actual Mammy's hospital appointments either.

MadYaker

Why on earth would you even consider marrying this man???? Talk to him and tell him everything you wrote down in that post. If nothing changes then cancel the wedding and leave him.

homemadecider

OP, look over the following summary of your post - it's quite shocking. Are these the main points of the man you want to marry?

• I feel as though he is constantly letting me down
• He doesn't seem to care
• on the days I'm in work and he's off, he waits til I come home to cook
• I do all the cleaning, he doesn't even move his plate from the table
• He borrowed money from me 5 months ago and hasn't given it back
• He gives me the silent treatment
• I pay all the rent myself
• I can't bring money up with him at all without him getting angry
• everyday without fail he puts on the playstation and ignores me
• even though he says he loves me I don't feel like he really cares about me
• He has asked me once over the phone what the doctor thinks is wrong
• I am going to hospital Monday and he still doesn't really know why.
• I feel really alone

To give you some perspective, my fiancee and I split rent & bills evenly. If I am ever sick he is with me every step of the way and would accompany me to every hospital visit. He would never give me the silent treatment; we communicate our problems to each other and resolve them like adults. We also take turns cooking for each other and sharing household chores.

This is not a gloat; the above is the behaviour in a normal relationship. You are being used and abused. Please do not marry this man.

KrustyUCC

he's not a man he's a boy that has you do everything for him

can't see him changing OP. please reconsider marrying him ... i don't think you could put up with his behaviour for the rest of your life

if you are determined to marry him make sure he understands that he needs to change and appreciate you more

he's your partner in life not your child

ABajaninCork

OP. You mentioned that you both work. Can I ask: Whilst you're doing the dance of the seven veils financially, WTF is he doing with HIS money? He pays no bills, yet still has to borrow money from you.

That's the question I'd be asking. After I get the answer, I'd be heading for the exit. Quick smart.

Stavro Mueller

Of course he's going to say he loves you. The guy knows he's onto a good thing. He's getting all the benefits of being in a relationship plus someone who's cooking, cleaning and paying for him. Or in other words, enabling him to live like an immature teenage boy. What I think is more horrific than anything else is that he hasn't shown any concern about you going to the hospital. You must be going up the walls, poor thing Do you have anybody else who can go with you?

We are meant to get married in January but I feel so hurt and even though he says he loves me I don't feel like he really cares about me. But I really want him to. Is there anyway I can get him to be more thoughtful and to think about how I am?

Don't delude yourself into thinking that you can change the guy into the person you want him to be. He obviously has plenty of positive traits or obviously you'd not be marrying him. I wonder did you blind yourself to his less positive traits for too long? They do say that if you want to know someone, come live with them. You're now seeing the warts and all picture of your fiancé now that the honeymoon phase is over.

Tilikum

I've spent the last couple of weeks reading this forum. I'm absolutely flabbergasted at what some women put up with. Your situated is definitely the saddest I've read though.

This guy is an asshole. If I found out one of my brother in laws was treating my sister like that, I'd batter him. Fact.

Show him this thread, then leave him and find a guy that will treat you like a princess.

dellas1979

Please dont be one of these people who is in a crappy relationship before the marriage, knows this, yet clings to a notion that the marriage is going to change them.

The vows are:
For richer, for poorer, (well, you seem to be richer, paying all the bills and at the same time making you poorer).
In sickness and in health, (fail. He doesnt even care to ask, TO ASK, why you are going to hospital)
Till death do us part. (This is what hits it home, really. Do you want to be with a fella like this for your life?)

Edit: I just want to add, any person out there married will tell you, a marriage takes work to make it work. You dont just put a ring on, and its happy days. From what youve said, you will not be starting married life as a loving, happy go lucky, looking to the future full of new things and prospects couple. It sounds exhaused, tired, broken down, stale, stagnant.

LegacyUser

OP: this guy, your fiancé, is, from what you have described, nothing more than a teenage dirtbag. Fast forward five years....nothing will have changed, only you will be buried by a tonne of resentment towards him. It is best to call a day on your so called relationship, hard as it might be to stomach. Believe me, even in the modern Ireland, it is difficult and costly to get out of a marriage, so you would be doing yourself a favour by walking now.
If you were my sister, I'd tell you to break up with him.
He's not going to suddenly transform with a ring on his finger. If you do marry him, and then in a few years you just can't take it any more, and divorce, he could still be able to cadge part of your pension. Think about it.
Don't marry this guy, please, he's not for you.
Best of luck with your hospital appointment.

Lenmeister

lonelytimes wrote: »

We are meant to get married in January

I wouldn't worry about that. He probably won't turn up. Because he's a waster. Call off the marriage immediately and demand that money back. I would have booted him out long ago.

90 people agreed with the first post and nobody here has said anything good about him, you know what you have to do.

MJ23

The lazy git wouldn't even make the dinner on his day off. Sitting on his arse playing Grand Theft Auto.
Get out while you can.
What age are you both?

LegacyUser

OP - I know all the replies you have read here, must be difficult to hear.
BUT you must know in your heart of hearts, your fiance is treating you badly.
(Which is why you posed the original question.)

Personally speaking, marriage is very difficult even when two people are trying...
it would be impossible with your current partner.
Thats the reality.... but if you ignore the worrying feelings you have...
and marry him... you will have a long road of heartache ahead of you I fear.

MAYBE he can change....?
AGAIN personally speaking, none of us really change, we can try modify some
of our behaviors and adapt... but there are no full turn arounds.

Wishing you luck in your choice and life ahead.


AND good luck with the hospital visit. (AND note I am a stranger and wishing
you luck, and your so called partner hasn't had the kindness to do so.)