Am I Stupid? Foreign Girlfriend

LegacyUser

This year I visited the Philippines and I met a girl there and we got along well, we've been in contact everyday since I returned and I only met her at the end of my trip and we spent only a short period of time together and there was nothing physical, (we did not even kiss).

I quite like her and my feelings for her have grown, despite her being of a different race and religion, neither of which really bother me, she is also a single mom with a 3 year old girl as she got pregnant when she was 19 but still finished university and had a low paying menial job in her own country and earns like €100/week which as terrible as it sounds is actually considered good enough there and it would be the same as an Irish girl earning €4-€500/week here in terms of living costs etc. Her 3yr old Daughter is primarily raised by her grandparents but she contributes to the cost and also helps pay her mums medication costs which are atrocious and the whole healthcare system there stinks as it is a privatised mess like in America. When her mother needed a kidney transplant, her uncle sold his house and her grandmother (living in Ireland) borrowed €35k to buy a kidney and pay for the operation.

Recently she has gotten a job offer in the Middle East and is moving to the U.A.E next month to work in Dubai where she will earn double the wages of the Philippines but it is tiny money and she will earn between €200 - €250/week and she will return 50% of it to her parents to help pay her mums medical costs and for her daughter. Both her parents are effectively unemployed but they run a tiny grocery business which makes around €10/day and her mother is a loanshark, loaning small sums at around 5% interest, so many people are living in pure poverty in their country that this is quite common.

Her brother has a job and effectively her brother and herself are supporting their parents. They live in a small house which is actually quite good by filipino standards but it is located in a pure shanty town with squatters, poverty and squalor a stones throw away, I visited there home during my brief stay in their city in the North of the Country.

It was chance I should even meet any of them as my mother here in Ireland is very good friends with an Filipino lady who lives in our town and when she heard I was visiting her country and her native city she insisted I meet her family and see her home there and it was through this connection that I met her granddaughter and subsequently developed a soft-spot for her.

She and her family has very little money and I sent her €500 for help pay for her tickets and her visa to go work in the middle east. She leaves next month. Her grandmother here paid the rest and she isn't exactly flush either but is always sending remittances back to her extended family each year.

Background to her grandmother; she met an elderly wealthy Irish man in the Philippines around 15 years ago and they subsequently married out there and lived together in the Philippines for five years before they returned to Ireland and she became an Irish citizen, her Irish husband eventually got cancer and died and she inherited all of his money but not his property which was left to his children from his marriage to his 1st wife who had predeceased him. Her step-children have shunned her over her effectively cleaning him out from their POV.

I have seen myself first-hand where his wealth went in the Philippines as this lady's children live a life as middle-class when they are surrounded by abject poverty everywhere else. His money bought all her six children houses and established four businesses which they live off today, she owns an apartment block out there also but the rents are tiny in comparison to Ireland.

Since the death of her Irish husband she has found a new Irish partner and they live together in our town, he is her fourth spouse having had two Filipino husbands previous and one Irish, one of which was killed in a motor accident and two who died; this is how we have gotten to know her. She is really nice to her partner and caring for him, he was a typical Irish bachelor farmer who was never with a woman until he met her and they are now in their sixties. She is the best thing to ever happen this guy.

Naturally she is delighted I have taken an interest in her granddaughter and actively encourages it.

This week my filipina's 3yr old daughter has gotten sick and while I have not been asked for money I know there is an expectation that I will wire around €200 to pay for the hospital and medical costs there as she is uninsured having quit her menial €100/week job before she moves to Dubai next month, her daughter got sick twice before but as she was working then she had private healthcare insurance.

This really strains me to the wire as I am currently not working here and only on the dole; having lost my previous job in April I decided to go traveling over the summer which was when I met this Filipina girl. I have already sent her €500 to help her in her move and I volunteered this as I want to go visit her in Dubai after Christmas and bring her back to Ireland for a while too. She has never asked me for money once but I know how hard life is there and while it sounds like a total scamjob on me it isn't because I have been there and know the reality of their situation.

What really is killing me is the financial constraints this relationship is developing into and also a greater fear of being the ultimate target of a gold-digger.

I am an only son and will inherit two houses and a huge farm of land with a big farm income from my father, I also stand to gain an even bigger farm, 3rd house and around €2m cash from my uncle and I will inherit a 4th house and around $1m and an apartment in New York from another Uncle who lives there. By the time I am 45, I could have 4 houses, an apartment in New York, almost €4m and two farms turning over €150k a year. This is all in the future but right now I have the dole and I have never depended on getting anything and have treated all the above with an attitude if it comes well and good, if not I must prepare myself first and stand on my own two feet.

I really like this girl but there are so many variables and the potential to be cleaned out that I am very afraid, I have about €5k to my name and this is my worth. I wonder if I am being stupid? My mother is dead set against it due to her being a single mother, the last girl I dated two years ago was a gorgeous school teacher (single mother too) but that ended and sometimes I sort of wish I just had nothing to gain in future because that way there would be nothing for a gold-digger to dig for and at least whoever I'd meet would love me for me and not the draw of wealth that hangs there.

CaraMay

Stop sending her money. Did you tell her you are due to inherit all this?

Teyla Emmagan

OK, so does the grandmother in Ireland know what your future financial situation is going to be like? I presume she knows you're an only son, but not about the rest of it? I don't mean to be mean but I am not surprised she is delighted with your interest in her granddaughter. She has form here (no matter how nice she is) when it comes to making an Irish man's money go a long way back home. Hard to see how you aren't being set up, especially as you've already sent a lot of money and there is 'an expectation' for more. And what sort of relationship can you have with a girl who will soon be in the UAE who you have never even kissed? Unless you want to spend the rest of your life supporting some one else's family in the Philippines you have to take the money out of the equation. Because you're being a taken for a ride otherwise and you sound like you deserve a lot better.

LegacyUser

I know of someone that started if in a similiar situation to you. Inheriting money, travelling, mets Filipino, gets married, moves out there and the rest is history as they say.
In your situation my concern would be that grandmother knows you and your family situation. It feels a bit too like a set up for my liking. The grandmother has a partner that would be able to give her the money if things were that desperate......I really would encourage you to walk away

bluemagpie

It depends, do you really like her or are you more motivated by pity?

Of course her grandmother will encourage it, she is only thinking about creating the best life for her granddaughter, and obviously she is well aware that you will at least inherit from your parents. Your mother will naturally rather you were with someone with less complications.

In the end it is down to you but if you are going to go visiting and bringing her home expect to start paying up. Have an understanding of their culture, your visiting etc will be seen as far more serious interest by them than if you were going off on holidays with someone from Ireland.

So if you only think you are interested or are just feeling sorry for her step back and think about what you are doing and don't give the impression that it is more than it is. If you are really interested go ahead but ensure you are more aware of their culture before pursuing a relationship so that you can get a better understanding about how they will percieve your actions. It is likely that your suggestions of visiting her and bringing to Ireland to meet your family are giving the impression of an impending very serious relationship, however your post above does not give the impression that you feel that way. It's up to you but as the above poster said if you do go ahead with the relationship you will be supporting her extended family for the rest of your life, that is their culture.

LegacyUser

I had to type this.

I went travelling last year in SE asia and met a guy, whom I developed a soft spot for, very much like yourself. He ran into financial hardship (lost his job). And they are quite poor (by our standards) over there too. And he asked me for money. I thought about it (would he stop talking to me if I said no, were we only friends cause I earn money, by their standards Id be loaded). I thought about it. And I told him No. I was willing to risk it for my own principles. And they were that I myself have been broke, jobless, but I had to get myself out of the mess. It is also feasy or us westerners to go into poorer countries and "sort them out". Something I did not want to be seen as part of.

I explained (nicely) that in the long run, it wouldnt help. I didnt believe it would set him up to try and sort his own life out. And to boot, I would have lost a bit of respect for him. My job in this world is not to sort someone else's life out. I didnt get the job of money fairy on the way down.

So, I said no. I would offer my support in anyways I could, but not financially. And 6 months later, we are still friends! My point is that you should feel you can say no. If she genuinely wants to be friends with you, she will accept this.

On the inheritance thing, it doesnt matter if she knows or not, its about what you know, about yourself. And what you want (to do) for other people.

Meauldsegosha

amistupid wrote: »

This year I visited the Philippines and I met a girl there and we got along well, we've been in contact everyday since I returned and I only met her at the end of my trip and we spent only a short period of time together and there was nothing physical, (we did not even kiss).

I quite like her and my feelings for her have grown, despite her being of a different race and religion, neither of which really bother me, she is also a single mom with a 3 year old girl as she got pregnant when she was 19 but still finished university and had a low paying menial job in her own country and earns like €100/week which as terrible as it sounds is actually considered good enough there and it would be the same as an Irish girl earning €4-€500/week here in terms of living costs etc. Her 3yr old Daughter is primarily raised by her grandparents but she contributes to the cost and also helps pay her mums medication costs which are atrocious and the whole healthcare system there stinks as it is a privatised mess like in America. When her mother needed a kidney transplant, her uncle sold his house and her grandmother (living in Ireland) borrowed €35k to buy a kidney and pay for the operation.

Recently she has gotten a job offer in the Middle East and is moving to the U.A.E next month to work in Dubai where she will earn double the wages of the Philippines but it is tiny money and she will earn between €200 - €250/week and she will return 50% of it to her parents to help pay her mums medical costs and for her daughter. Both her parents are effectively unemployed but they run a tiny grocery business which makes around €10/day and her mother is a loanshark, loaning small sums at around 5% interest, so many people are living in pure poverty in their country that this is quite common.

Her brother has a job and effectively her brother and herself are supporting their parents. They live in a small house which is actually quite good by filipino standards but it is located in a pure shanty town with squatters, poverty and squalor a stones throw away, I visited there home during my brief stay in their city in the North of the Country.

It was chance I should even meet any of them as my mother here in Ireland is very good friends with an Filipino lady who lives in our town and when she heard I was visiting her country and her native city she insisted I meet her family and see her home there and it was through this connection that I met her granddaughter and subsequently developed a soft-spot for her.

She and her family has very little money and I sent her €500 for help pay for her tickets and her visa to go work in the middle east. She leaves next month. Her grandmother here paid the rest and she isn't exactly flush either but is always sending remittances back to her extended family each year.

Background to her grandmother; she met an elderly wealthy Irish man in the Philippines around 15 years ago and they subsequently married out there and lived together in the Philippines for five years before they returned to Ireland and she became an Irish citizen, her Irish husband eventually got cancer and died and she inherited all of his money but not his property which was left to his children from his marriage to his 1st wife who had predeceased him. Her step-children have shunned her over her effectively cleaning him out from their POV.

I have seen myself first-hand where his wealth went in the Philippines as this lady's children live a life as middle-class when they are surrounded by abject poverty everywhere else. His money bought all her six children houses and established four businesses which they live off today, she owns an apartment block out there also but the rents are tiny in comparison to Ireland.

Since the death of her Irish husband she has found a new Irish partner and they live together in our town, he is her fourth spouse having had two Filipino husbands previous and one Irish, one of which was killed in a motor accident and two who died; this is how we have gotten to know her. She is really nice to her partner and caring for him, he was a typical Irish bachelor farmer who was never with a woman until he met her and they are now in their sixties. She is the best thing to ever happen this guy.

Naturally she is delighted I have taken an interest in her granddaughter and actively encourages it.

This week my filipina's 3yr old daughter has gotten sick and while I have not been asked for money I know there is an expectation that I will wire around €200 to pay for the hospital and medical costs there as she is uninsured having quit her menial €100/week job before she moves to Dubai next month, her daughter got sick twice before but as she was working then she had private healthcare insurance.

This really strains me to the wire as I am currently not working here and only on the dole; having lost my previous job in April I decided to go traveling over the summer which was when I met this Filipina girl. I have already sent her €500 to help her in her move and I volunteered this as I want to go visit her in Dubai after Christmas and bring her back to Ireland for a while too. She has never asked me for money once but I know how hard life is there and while it sounds like a total scamjob on me it isn't because I have been there and know the reality of their situation.

What really is killing me is the financial constraints this relationship is developing into and also a greater fear of being the ultimate target of a gold-digger.

I am an only son and will inherit two houses and a huge farm of land with a big farm income from my father, I also stand to gain an even bigger farm, 3rd house and around €2m cash from my uncle and I will inherit a 4th house and around $1m and an apartment in New York from another Uncle who lives there. By the time I am 45, I could have 4 houses, an apartment in New York, almost €4m and two farms turning over €150k a year. This is all in the future but right now I have the dole and I have never depended on getting anything and have treated all the above with an attitude if it comes well and good, if not I must prepare myself first and stand on my own two feet.

I really like this girl but there are so many variables and the potential to be cleaned out that I am very afraid, I have about €5k to my name and this is my worth. I wonder if I am being stupid? My mother is dead set against it due to her being a single mother, the last girl I dated two years ago was a gorgeous school teacher (single mother too) but that ended and sometimes I sort of wish I just had nothing to gain in future because that way there would be nothing for a gold-digger to dig for and at least whoever I'd meet would love me for me and not the draw of wealth that hangs there.

Her family are not short of money. You can't be a loanshark unless you have disposable income. No wonder the grandmother is delighted you have a soft spot for her granddaughter, all she can see is €'s when she looks at you. Your mother is not dead set against this girl because she is a single mother but because she is a gold-digger, just like her grandmother. Get out now OP.

hardCopy

A $200 wrote transfer is a very specific expectation if she has never asked for money. Why does she expect this?

downwesht

I'm sorry to be blunt but is there any chance that you are being set up by the person who told you to look up her family?Seeing as you are going to inherit wealth you are a "good catch" and this is maybe why you are being shown attention.

My advice is that you would be better off forgetting about this foreign lady and all the baggage that surrounds her and set yourself up to lead a less complicated life,whether that means alone or not so be it.
Try and get a job eg farming and forget about what is coming your way,make a life for yourself by your own means and if and when you do inherit you can take it as icing on the cake and be ready to manage your own farm.
Good luck.

kjl

Dude, you are being played, cut contact and don't send her anymore money.

LoanShark

Hi, you are being set up to be fleeced.

A friends brother was married to a Chinese girl up to a few years ago.. During the 'boom' years he sold his house that he had in Dublin and made a nice sum of money, the wife encouraged him to send the money to her father in China and he would invest it in property, anyhow today, the wife is gone, the money is gone and he's pretty sure if any properties ever existed,are also gone with all deeds and titles in her fathers name...

You wrote a long mail and obviously, this has had a lot of impact on Your life..
But it happens, people get conned and not everyone has the courage like you to ask for the opinion of others so early in the relationship..

I also noticed one thing, and I'm not trying to pick a fight, but you say your fathers farm has a substantial income and yet you are on the dole....If I had a farm coming my way,or in your father's case I was bequeathing it to my son, I'd be employing him to learn the way of the business... I'm not saying youre lazy, but it does seem odd.l

amtc

You don't have a foreign girlfriend, as per the title, if you haven't even kissed her.
you are being taken for a ride! No variable makes sense

ifeelill

This has to be a pisstake, but it made for interesting reading

ifeelill

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Her family are not short of money. You can't be a loanshark unless you have disposable income. No wonder the grandmother is delighted you have a soft spot for her granddaughter, all she can see is €'s when she looks at you. Your mother is not dead set against this girl because she is a single mother but because she is a gold-digger, just like her grandmother. Get out now OP.

Get the ride and then GTFO

Systemic Risk

Dude seriously. You answer your own questoions by the fact that you are so dubious over this arrangement...which seems to revolve around you parting with money you cant afford to part with.

Merkin

You come across as very naive. You were blatantly set up to meet this woman and you're even referring to her as your girlfriend (having never even kissed) and contemplating paying 'medical expenses' for a child you don't know? Seriously? You don't need to buy a persons affection, regardless of how poor they are. I'm also fairly certain if this child was that sick then her great grandmother in Ireland on her ninth rich husband or what have you can well stretch to two hundred bucks.

Esel

If you have not identified the fish after five minutes at the card table, then you are the fish.

Although, tbh, I smell a rat in your OP - i.e. too much information. Granny has successfully (x4) dug for gold and set up her family on the proceeds. She now has another sap on the hook. You, although 'broke', will soon enough inherit untold riches. Should you or should you not drill for oil in the middle East.

If you are prepared to lose everything, then you should risk it.

Just do not ever reply to any e-mails you may receive from African princes or widows of former government ministers who claim to want to make you rich.

For more details, send me your bank details and a separate A4 page with your signature on the bottom to receive my newsletter.

dixiefly

I would write back saying that you are finding it difficult to maintain so much contact with her and that you would like to remain friends with contact every week or so. Make a decision not to sent any money and just sympathise about any issues she describes without offering anything.

It is up to you both whether ye want to meet up in the future but, until then, I think you should treat it as a friend / acquaintance with no implications for financial support.

In the meantime try and be open to meeting a girl here. I am also curious as to why you are not building up experience on the farm that you are due to inherit.

LegacyUser

OP.... Yes, you are being stupid, extremely stupid.
If your mother hit the roof at the fact you had a previous relationship with a single mum who was an Irish girl, and a teacher to boot, then be prepared to not get all which you are expecting by way of inheritance....you will be cut out.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't be your own man and make your own choices, but seriously, this situation stinks to the high heavens.
There are loads of single Irish girls available, loads who have no baggage, and want a long term relationship....why on earth do you want to complicate your life getting embroiled in this soap opera???
If I started telling you my sob story, would you be out with the wallet ???
If you want to píss your money and future inheritance away....by all means go ahead, but if you want to settle down, have a family, and in turn someone to leave these farms and houses to, then get cracking, and do it.
At this stage the grandmother has the bridle on you and is leading you by the nose...next she'll have the blinkers on you and riding you in to the ground.
If you want to do something charitable, then get involved on a local level....Lions Club or something like that, and you'll probably meet a lovely Irish girl, someone who is close by, real, tangible...and gets your jokes.
I urge you to stop this nonsense, and start thinking of the real future.
Best of luck

LegacyUser

You're being seen as a cash cow. Not saying that this old filipino woman is a bad person, she obviously just wants the best for her family but it is all a set up.

On a separate note I don't know anyone who has gone out to UAE without having their flights / set up costs covered by the company they'll be working for. Something seems very wrong about the salary that she'll be getting while shes there, either you're not being told the truth or she's getting taken advantage of.

Also, not quite sure why it bothers me but there's something inherently wrong about someone inheriting millions and multiple properties who has not worked for it themselves. You're showing behaviour yourself that you don't want from others. ie. you're gonna be sitting back and rolling in other peoples money without working for it yourself, the same as these people are attempting to do. Just an observation.

sReq | uTeK

Mate, re read your post, you're being taken for a ride, cut all contact at once? You are not the father of her child, why is the grandmothers partner not forking out for this but you on the dole are !

Ickle Magoo

ifeelill the proud owner of a weeks holiday.

Esel,

The forum rules clearly state all advice should be mature, civil and constructive - sarcastically suggesting that posters send you their bank details is not helpful.

This forum is strictly moderated and a certain standard of posting is expected; if you cannot or will not make worthwhile contributions then your posting rights will be revoked.

Please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter before posting here again.

Many thanks.

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jlm29

LoanShark wrote: »

I also noticed one thing, and I'm not trying to pick a fight, but you say your fathers farm has a substantial income and yet you are on the dole....If I had a farm coming my way,or in your father's case I was bequeathing it to my son, I'd be employing him to learn the way of the business... I'm not saying youre lazy, but it does seem odd.l

I noticed this too. Op- you'd be better off forgetting all this, and putting your time and energy into learning your trade. No point inheriting all that wealth if you haven't a clue how to manage it.

LegacyUser

dixiefly wrote: »

Make a decision not to sent any money and just sympathise about any issues she describes without offering anything.

It is up to you both whether ye want to meet up in the future but, until then, I think you should treat it as a friend / acquaintance with no implications for financial support.

This is it. We actually dont know what any of the intentions are from them or her, but you should be secure in yours.

If you dont give any more money, for the right reasons, youll find out pretty quickly where you stand.

LegacyUser

Your being a chump......her loanshark kidney buying family don't have any empathy for those less fortunate than themselves.

Would you respect an educated relatively well paid Irish woman. Who manipulated wealthier tourists for cash?

Your not an elderly isolated bachelor. You don't need to settle for a sham affectionless relationship.
Work on your confidence, put yourself out there.
Follow and develop your interests. Meet someone who likes you for you.

kumate_champ07

why do you know so much about her finances? youre more than likely being played, I wouldnt be giving larges somes of money to anyone I didnt know for a few years at least

astonaidan

jlm29 wrote: »

I noticed this too. Op- you'd be better off forgetting all this, and putting your time and energy into learning your trade. No point inheriting all that wealth if you haven't a clue how to manage it.

Ah lads he could easily be working on the farm and on the dole the same time, not really the point of his question. which he is being totally honest taking for a fool.
Reading it makes me think is he really that stupid

CaraMay

astonaidan wrote: »

Ah lads he could easily be working on the farm and on the dole the same time, not really the point of his question. which he is being totally honest taking for a fool.
Reading it makes me think is he really that stupid

Glasshouses?

Op time to pull back from this all.

Emme

OP are you for real or is this a hypothetical situation? How can you be so sure you are set to inherit so much? Do you tell everyone this?

I think the Filipina lady in Ireland set you up with this woman. She knows what you are worth and has done well out of marrying an Irishman herself.

There are genuine Filipina women who marry Irish men for love but I don't think the girl here is one of them. Her mother is a loan shark? They're not short of money so.

I know that you can be a farmer and also draw the dole but the better farmers don't usually do it. Is your father still alive? If so are you involved in the family business or just drawing the dole and travelling around when you get enough money together?

You sound very naive and if you tell everyone what you think you're set to inherit you're a sitting duck for scammers.

I agree with your mother about this girl. Don't send any more money to her and cut contact. If the Filipina lady in Ireland doesn't like it tough. She can help them out herself.

dixiefly

As the OP hasn't responded to the advice in a week, it is probably safe to assume he has stopped reading this thread or it was an elaborate wind up.

Mickey Dazzler

Dude you are being taken for an absolute mug!! You didn't even get a ride out of it.... Get out now and shut the door behind you.

Taltos

Closing thread as OP has not been back.
Can I remind posters not to backseat mod, if you think a post/thread requires action please just report it with clear reasons and the mods will review. Also questioning the validity of a thread is never acceptable and doing so regularly results in infractions or bans.

Thanks
Taltos