Godmother Woes

LegacyUser

Hi, I gave birth to twin girls a month ago and we are at the Godparents stage. I know it's a religious thing but each to their own, it means a lot to us. We also have an older son.

Husband and I decided that we would ask his mother and sister to be Godmothers, and a close family friend and his other sister's long-term partner to be Godfathers. When he asked his mother and sister, the sister said "would you not ask your Uncle's wife?" and his mother declined because she said she was too old. Husband told me this and so we decided not to have any blood relations at all - we asked my Uncle's wife and husband's Uncle's wife to be Godmothers, both were over the moon, they are both in their late 50's and have no Godchildren. We asked a neighbour to be one Godfather and we asked his other sister's partner (a good friend of my husband's) to be the other one. All were delighted.

Apparently there was a bit of a miscommunication - husband's sister is now claiming that she meant to ask their Uncle's wife instead of her mother, and not instead of her. She's after hitting the roof - she sent a barrage of text messages to my husband's phone tearing us to shreds and accusing me of "taking my chance to be Godmother away from me" and "no representation on our side of the family I see" - we haven't picked any blood relations! This is a 41 year old woman, no kids herself, she then texted that she was "in deep shock" and would no longer take our son to hers for a weekend or visit us, that she was now "keeping her distance" because "it should be me". I texted back saying I was sorry about the misunderstanding but that I've always thought very highly of her, which was why I had her as a Bridesmaid, and that the kids will still very much appreciate having an Aunt like her in their lives. She replied that she was now "second best" and was "on to me" and "not stupid". After all that, she texted saying she was still available to be Godmother, and for me to text my Uncle's wife to "explain my predicament" and ask her to step down - I said no way and now she's ceased all contact with me and her nephew and nieces.

She was at my husband's homeplace yesterday and went off on a rant about how her and her husband should have been picked because of "all that they've done for us" - to clarify, we've never asked them to do anything for us, ever. She has been very good, but it's all been off her own back and she has been thanked very well. She sometimes has been too good to the point that she has completely taken over events when I have asked her not to do anything. Even at times when she's driven me up the walls I've been more than thankful and appreciative to her and have always treated her back or bought her little gifts or tokens to say thanks.

She is very good to my son and always treats him really well, but apparently that all stops now because she doesn't have this new title. Neither of us are particularly fond of her husband so he would never have been picked in the first place. She went ranting to her sister and declared that her partner should not have been asked either, her husband should. This resulted in the sister's partner ringing my husband and saying he didn't feel comfortable doing it any more because it was causing trouble.

Are we wrong for not stepping down after my husband got the wrong end of the stick and thought she'd said no? I'm disgusted with her behaviour to be honest, I never thought she would be like this. She's now missing out on seeing all three of her nieces/nephews, just because her name isn't going down as Godmother. I know in my heart and soul that part of it was a control thing - if we'd picked her, that would have given her, in her head, leeway to dictate the way the Christening goes, she is unbearable sometimes when events are looming (she booked things for my wedding and my son's communion without telling me). I have always thought she meant well and was just overenthusiastic but I'm beginning to think she just wants the credit and glory. Is being an Aunt to adorable beautiful twin girls and a wonderful boy not enough any more? The children have 3 other Aunts and none of them are crying over not being chosen (and they're equally as good to them).

I think it's an absolute load of childish rubbish, grown women behaving like utter fools, just wanted a little perspective. Will I just let her stew? I really don't feel like running after her trying to mend a bruised ego when at the end of the day, it's entirely down to my husband and I who we pick. I just never thought it'd cause ructions like this!!

December2012

This woman possibly has a right to be privately upset, but she has no right to act like such a mean aggressive and hostile needy batch.

She has just shown how unsuitable she is for the role.

ABajaninCork

I can understand the hurt and upset the aunt feels. I really can. I have no children. My brothers do have kids (four between them) and I've NEVER been asked to be godmother to any of them. But I've kept my feelings to myself.

But there's no need for her to kick off in the manner she has. And to take it out on the kids is just spiteful IMO. I'd just ignore her now. Eventually, she'll wind her neck in.

Susie564

I am the youngest of three sisters. The middle sister was the first to have a baby - a beautiful, smart & talented girl (I'm not biased!) twelve years ago. The middle sister & I are very close so it was no issue that I was chosen as godmother. Roll on four years and baby # two arrived - the eldest sister felt she was a shoe-in to be godmother - but alas it was not to be as my brother-in-law was choosing the godmother this time around and went for his niece. Well it didn't go down very well at all! My eldest sister was VERY upset about the whole thing and went on about it for quite a while afterwards (however she didn't quite throw the tantrum your relative seems to have thrown!).

Me - I could care less whether I'm godmother or not - I don't love my niece/goddaughter any more or less than any of the other nieces & nephews - they are all so wonderful, how could I feel any different! Same for my friends kids - doesn't bother me either way. One of my Aunts is my godmother but I am no closer to her than I am to my other Aunts. But for others it's a big deal - my sister was genuinely hurt that she hadn't been picked - I don't really get it myself I think it's nice to have non-blood related godparents.

BUT when said eldest sister had her first baby four years ago, she chose said middle sister to be the godmother so although she was very upset she did get over it in the end!

Let her have her hissy fit - you've apologised for the misunderstanding, I don't think you need do anymore than that - and hopefully she too will realise in time that in the grand scheme of things it's not such a big deal.

LegacyUser

op i'm not religious, and i don't have kids. but my understanding of the godparent role is that it should be someone who you trust the religious and moral guidance of your child to, yes? someone who will be a 'good influence' so to speak on the child as they grow up?

if that's how you see it, then she seems totally unsuitable for this role! people have strange ideas within families about what 'should' be done and how things 'should' be done, and if they get their way a few times they'll take a mile. we have a few of those in our family, and they're hard to deal with, but the best way is to ignore them. they throw their hssy fits, they say the most awful things, but at the end of the day we should live our lives to our own rules, not pandering to someone else's because they shout louder!

stand firm. you've apologised for the misunderstanding, she's the only one with the issue here going at the situation like a bull in a china shop. you can't control other people's behaviour but you can control how you react to it. react to it by ignoring it, planning a lovely christening, and enjoying the two new additions to your family. x

I think your attitude is exactly right OP. She's being unreasonable and the last thing you should do is give her her way.

How she thinks she'll earn the place of godmother by throwing a tantrum and easily discarding her relationships with your children over it is ridiculous. She's showing herself to be far too selfish and childish to be a suitable godparent.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies, I felt bad for her, as someone said it probably is a very privately upsetting thing if you're expecting it or would appreciate it and are not chosen, but at the same time I can't understand why a misunderstanding over something based essentially on being asked to be a special part of a child's life would warrant the complete opposite - cutting all communication with the children altogether! I could care less if she visited me now at this point but I think it's terrible to ignore the children.

Thanks for reading, I will stick to my guns on this one.

P. Breathnach

Godmotherdrama wrote: »

...
Thanks for reading, I will stick to my guns on this one.

For a very limited meaning of sticking to your guns, I hope.

Don't change the arrangements: that would involve upsetting the chosen godmother. But your husband's sister is hurt (unintentionally on your part, of course); hurt people can behave quite unreasonably, and that is what she is doing.

Reflect on the fact that up to this point she has been very good to and supportive of your family. Surely she deserves something for that. Try to forgive her for her tantrum, and work on re-building the relationship.

It's unfortunate that you can't have multiple godmothers in the same way that you can have a number of bridesmaids. I wonder if you or some other contributor here can think of some special role that can be assigned to her and which would lessen the hurt.

If your life-plan includes trying for more children you can promise her a future opportunity.

LegacyUser

well op you know the woman and i don't, so i can't say it's definitely the case - but it's great tactic of people who are manipulative, to say something that strikes to your emotions as a way of getting their way. something to think about.

Calhoun

P. Breathnach wrote: »

For a very limited meaning of sticking to your guns, I hope.

Don't change the arrangements: that would involve upsetting the chosen godmother. But your husband's sister is hurt (unintentionally on your part, of course); hurt people can behave quite unreasonably, and that is what she is doing.

Reflect on the fact that up to this point she has been very good to and supportive of your family. Surely she deserves something for that. Try to forgive her for her tantrum, and work on re-building the relationship.

It's unfortunate that you can't have multiple godmothers in the same way that you can have a number of bridesmaids. I wonder if you or some other contributor here can think of some special role that can be assigned to her and which would lessen the hurt.

If your life-plan includes trying for more children you can promise her a future opportunity.

I would be cautious of this approach, the aunt has acted like a toddler and your don't re-enforce bad behavior by rewarding it. Everything done up until this point while nice does sound ott and like the aunt was stepping on the op's toes.

I would advise to not change the arrangement or promise anything to her, you could work out a multiple godmother arrangement if there was something to work with but it doesn't seem like there is I could be wrong .