Soooo confused

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Dunno what I'm looking for here really..... Background info, with my boyfriend nearly 7 years good guy treats me well other than cheating on me (kissed random girls 3 tyms while on nights out about 3 years ago) got over all this even went to Canada for 6 months last year! We have been fighting alot lately even to the point where I dread sometimes having to see him. We have been through so much together but lately I have this knot in my stomach kind of feeling about our relationship that maybe this is not my future. I'm 25 and I feel like I'm a stronger person in the past couple years that looking back at times where I was really hurt thinking I wouldn't tolerate anything like that now. I'm looking around me in work etc and starting to notice guys around me thinking maybe there is something better out there for me, not that I would cheat while being in a relationship. Things have been great the past couple of weeks but these doubts are in my head and I'm just so confused!!! I just feel so guilty thinking about all this that I'm making myself very upset and I do love him but I don't want to hurt him! I used to be the one running after him and now I feel it's turned around. I just think I shouldn't have doubts about the person I'm with but then I may regret breaking up with him . I just don't know what to do about all this. I feel I would love having butterflies going on first dates again etc I just don't know if it's a case of maybe the grass is greener? Anybody any advice before I do something I may regret!

Cork selfbuild

It's a tough situation to be in really...

An old saying - never leave the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like will leave you for the one they love...

It's something worth thinking of, that honeymoon period is nice but always wears off also! Whatever you decide to do, try do it without regret, whether you stay or go... What you've been through lately, has this just put too much pressure on the relationship? It also depends on how apologetic he was for the cheating, and has he really changed from that?

Based on your age and the length of the relationship are you getting itchy feet and want to get some different perspectives on relationship / partners?

The grass always looks greener from a distance.

Charlene_92

This is a tricky one really but in all honesty, if you feel like you don't want this to be your future and you aren't 100 per cent happy, maybe it is time to let go. Of course the grass looks greener now, it always does but I think that maybe you owe it to yourself to get out there and try something new once you are considering it. You're still young and at the end of the day, you may only end up making yourself unhappy, feeling trapped if you stay in a relationship you are unsure of. But do consider both aspects - Do you love this guy enough to want to be with him forever? Or does your want for "more" outweigh that love?

MagicMarker

He cheated on you 3 times, why are you still with him?

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I no yeah I was 20 and very naive to be honest I look back now thinking how did I tolerate someone hurting me 3 times it was just a kiss though but hurt so much .... I really am afraid to break it off incase I regret it for the rest of my life. Also being single after 7 years is daunting, sad my feeling is what if I never find someone I know I sound like an idiot. I mean I actually know I'm going to be in pieces if I go and break it off I just don't know if I'm able. We've had some pretty bad fights this year and I'm real easy going and hate all that drama. I suppose I'm afraid to loose someone who I literally always felt is my best friend

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Cork selfbuild wrote: »

It's a tough situation to be in really...

An old saying - never leave the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like will leave you for the one they love...

It's something worth thinking of, that honeymoon period is nice but always wears off also! Whatever you decide to do, try do it without regret, whether you stay or go... What you've been through lately, has this just put too much pressure on the relationship? It also depends on how apologetic he was for the cheating, and has he really changed from that?

Based on your age and the length of the relationship are you getting itchy feet and want to get some different perspectives on relationship / partners?

The grass always looks greener from a distance.

Yeah I think he did learn from it I know it's hard for people to understand but he genuinely has learnt and I do trust him but I keep thinking lately imagine that happened again when we were married or something. I think lately I look at the way he can be really annoying with things he does or how he gets stressed at the littlest things and it makes me stress. I just want to be easy going and I think I would have a very stressful future if I stay with him.

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Charlene_92 wrote: »

This is a tricky one really but in all honesty, if you feel like you don't want this to be your future and you aren't 100 per cent happy, maybe it is time to let go. Of course the grass looks greener now, it always does but I think that maybe you owe it to yourself to get out there and try something new once you are considering it. You're still young and at the end of the day, you may only end up making yourself unhappy, feeling trapped if you stay in a relationship you are unsure of. But do consider both aspects - Do you love this guy enough to want to be with him forever? Or does your want for "more" outweigh that love?

I used to think of being with him forever but lately I think I could be missing out on a bigger love. I mean I do love him that's not a question but I mean maybe I could be missing out because he was my only serious relationship. If I do this and regret it in a few months it will break me.

Vision of Disorder

Good Advice wrote: »

If I do this and regret it in a few months it will break me.

It won't. Choosing to leave a relationship (and I'm not saying that you definitely should, that's your call obviously) is an incredibly difficult thing to do and that will certainly weigh upon you. It would be incredibly wrong however for you to stay in a relationship simply because of the fear of what may lay ahead without it. That's settling and even though I don't know you from a hole in the floor I can safely assure you that you are better than that!

For me, if somebody cheated on me three times they'd be gone but you get to make your own rules for your own life and it shouldn't make a blind bit of difference what I or anybody else thinks about that.

There are multiple opportunities for any of us to find happiness out there though, it may not be easy, it might take a long time but don't settle for what you have (if it doesn't fill you) just because of a fear that faraway hills may NOT in fact be greener. The only way you'll find out is by deciding that your current hilltop is not all that and walking to the next one. Whatever you decide... good luck!

Cork selfbuild

Well if the relationship is this stressed, trust me it gets harder, in the future, do you want a house, do you want kids, things change dramatically.

If your worried about leaving just for the sake of leaving, that is a big thing to overcome, but view life in chapter, once you close one (if you stay or go) the next chapter is always different.

OP do you love him like a best friend or are you in love with him not, two very different things IMO...

If you are not happy, things need to change, whatever that may be for you, as there is no point continuing to be unhappy...

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Vision of Disorder wrote: »

It won't. Choosing to leave a relationship (and I'm not saying that you definitely should, that's your call obviously) is an incredibly difficult thing to do and that will certainly weigh upon you. It would be incredibly wrong however for you to stay in a relationship simply because of the fear of what may lay ahead without it. That's settling and even though I don't know you from a hole in the floor I can safely assure you that you are better than that!

For me, if somebody cheated on me three times they'd be gone but you get to make your own rules for your own life and it shouldn't make a blind bit of difference what I or anybody else thinks about that.

There are multiple opportunities for any of us to find happiness out there though, it may not be easy, it might take a long time but don't settle for what you have (if it doesn't fill you) just because of a fear that faraway hills may NOT in fact be greener. The only way you'll find out is by deciding that your current hilltop is not all that and walking to the next one. Whatever you decide... good luck!

I think I used to feel really like when he cheated thati couldn't do any better than him and when it happened it absolutely broke me and in my head I made it ok to take him back as I was in the frame of mind that it was better to be with him. I am a very different person now however as in the past two years I've learnt alot about myself and have become stronger. I let other factors in my life slide like actually doing other things like going out more with friends but that has changed and I've started to put all my other relationships up to the same importance as having a boyfriend. Thanks for your advice I suppose the fear of the unknown is scary but I mean I want a life worth remembering that I did take risks and I was happy. I suppose we are both our first real loves and I suppose I wonder how anyone actually walks away from it....

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Cork selfbuild wrote: »

Well if the relationship is this stressed, trust me it gets harder, in the future, do you want a house, do you want kids, things change dramatically.

If your worried about leaving just for the sake of leaving, that is a big thing to overcome, but view life in chapter, once you close one (if you stay or go) the next chapter is always different.

OP do you love him like a best friend or are you in love with him not, two very different things IMO...

If you are not happy, things need to change, whatever that may be for you, as there is no point continuing to be unhappy...

You know I was just recently thinking about the whole marriage and kids and I think he is not the man I look at as having that with. Took a long time for me to admit that to myself and I know of I stayed I could have marriage and kids and all the things I want but one tiny factor not the man I want it with. I think you are right I think I love him as a best friend I don't feel in love anymore.... I think being honest with myself on this forum is really after opening my eyes.... He is very immature aswell if I don't have the same opinions he throws a strop, I also feel he doesn't listen to me when I need to vent about family issues he's not really listening to the point where he would ask me about how something is again.... I suppose I want to be with someone who wants to know everything and listen and help with things like I offer..... Now the question is how am I going to go about ending this I've never ended a relationship *gulp*

Charlene_92

Good Advice wrote: »

You know I was just recently thinking about the whole marriage and kids and I think he is not the man I look at as having that with. Took a long time for me to admit that to myself and I know of I stayed I could have marriage and kids and all the things I want but one tiny factor not the man I want it with. I think you are right I think I love him as a best friend I don't feel in love anymore.... I think being honest with myself on this forum is really after opening my eyes.... He is very immature aswell if I don't have the same opinions he throws a strop, I also feel he doesn't listen to me when I need to vent about family issues he's not really listening to the point where he would ask me about how something is again.... I suppose I want to be with someone who wants to know everything and listen and help with things like I offer..... Now the question is how am I going to go about ending this I've never ended a relationship *gulp*

I know exactly how you feel as exactly a year ago, I ended a relationship with a guy who I would have certainly been able to have all the things I wanted with, yet wasn't in love with him. I know you could go forever trying to find "true love" and end up not finding anything better than what you have but to me, I realised i'd rather go and do that than wonder what could have been had I left the relationship. With regards ending it, it is not going to be easy and in honesty, will be one hell of a tough situation. But the thing you have to remember is that it is best for you both in the long run. Effectively, you're giving you and him a chance at finding true happiness and once you believe that, you will find the strength to go through with it. Sit him down and explain how you feel, that you love him but aren't in love anymore. Obviously, he won't be happy but don't hate yourself for it. My ex is happily with another girl now and they seem great together so he will also get over it. Just be careful and remember you are strong and can do this

Cork selfbuild

Good Advice wrote: »

You know I was just recently thinking about the whole marriage and kids and I think he is not the man I look at as having that with. Took a long time for me to admit that to myself and I know of I stayed I could have marriage and kids and all the things I want but one tiny factor not the man I want it with. I think you are right I think I love him as a best friend I don't feel in love anymore.... I think being honest with myself on this forum is really after opening my eyes.... He is very immature aswell if I don't have the same opinions he throws a strop, I also feel he doesn't listen to me when I need to vent about family issues he's not really listening to the point where he would ask me about how something is again.... I suppose I want to be with someone who wants to know everything and listen and help with things like I offer..... Now the question is how am I going to go about ending this I've never ended a relationship *gulp*

One thing a relationship should be is a partnership, helping each other through each others problems, lend a hand, a shoulder, an ear, whatever when ever its needed...

Honest is the best thing to be, if you are not happy and cannot see a future, then you need to sit him down and talk to him about how your feeling as Charlene said above...

It will be hard but you also have to look out for yourself and what you want from a relationship, good luck!

LegacyUser

OP: I was caught by your first paragraph....treats you well except for the tiny fact he has cheated on you three times. Hmmm.... And then saying he's your best friend.... Again....Hmmm....
The guy is not your best friend. Would you betray your best friend three times, and expect your friendship to remain? Hardly.
You both argue...he has previous form to play tonsil hockey off side. Hmmm.
I know it may be really hard for you to let your years together go, but you are young, how about putting yourself first and making decisions which will benefit you. My advice to you would be...if in doubt, get out. Simples.
There's a whole other world out there
Best of luck

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Noregcetera wrote: »

OP: I was caught by your first paragraph....treats you well except for the tiny fact he has cheated on you three times. Hmmm.... And then saying he's your best friend.... Again....Hmmm....
The guy is not your best friend. Would you betray your best friend three times, and expect your friendship to remain? Hardly.
You both argue...he has previous form to play tonsil hockey off side. Hmmm.
I know it may be really hard for you to let your years together go, but you are young, how about putting yourself first and making decisions which will benefit you. My advice to you would be...if in doubt, get out. Simples.
There's a whole other world out there
Best of luck

I understand what your saying about the cheating I made that decision to accept it at the time.... He is not a bad person I think we have been together since we are young that he had slip ups.... He is great to me in other ways it's not a really bad relationship and I don't know if I am making the right decision to break up with him because I do love him but I don't think I should be having doubts either it's just all very confusing and I make a decision in my head and then go back on it after ten minutes..... Frustrating

MildredW

Hi OP,
I know exactly how you feel as I was in the same position as you two years ago. My boyfriend and I had been together for 6 years and living together for 3. About 5 years in, I started to have similar feeling to you. I had got with him when I was 20 and at 27 I started to wonder was there more to life than this, as he had not treated my badly but I wasn't fully satisfied/ had my doubts.

I stuck with him for a year after this, thinking that it might just be a phase but eventually I ended it as my feelings did not pass and it was unfair to both of us. I think now that my priorities in life had changed as I had grown up and we had simply out-grown each-other.

At the time actually finding the courage to break up with him was hard, I didn't want to hurt him and also fear of the unknown. But two years on, I'm happily with someone that is much better suited to me and I do not have any doubts whatsoever. Only you can truly decide if you want to be with him or not but I just wanted to share my story with you to show that sometimes in life it's not just a case of the "grass is greener" Listen to your feelings-you're feeling them for a reason.

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MildredW wrote: »

Hi OP,
I know exactly how you feel as I was in the same position as you two years ago. My boyfriend and I had been together for 6 years and living together for 3. About 5 years in, I started to have similar feeling to you. I had got with him when I was 20 and at 27 I started to wonder was there more to life than this, as he had not treated my badly but I wasn't fully satisfied/ had my doubts.

I stuck with him for a year after this, thinking that it might just be a phase but eventually I ended it as my feelings did not pass and it was unfair to both of us. I think now that my priorities in life had changed as I had grown up and we had simply out-grown each-other.

At the time actually finding the courage to break up with him was hard, I didn't want to hurt him and also fear of the unknown. But two years on, I'm happily with someone that is much better suited to me and I do not have any doubts whatsoever. Only you can truly decide if you want to be with him or not but I just wanted to share my story with you to show that sometimes in life it's not just a case of the "grass is greener" Listen to your feelings-you're feeling them for a reason.

Thanks for your reply it's exactly what I needed to read tonight. I've been back and forth in my head what to do and kept changing my mind! I met up with him this week after I had said about my doubts and seeing him felt right but then we had the silliest argument AGAIN and it just annoys me as it is not me causing it?!! And then this evening he cancelled plans because of the bad weather, sad thing is the weather would never stop me from meeting up with the person your supposed to be in love with.... May sound silly to others but he went through a phase a couple years ago of canceillomg our plans if he got a better offer from 'the lads'.... I'm all for time separately but was getting ridiculous.... My doubts are back constantly it's just not going Away.....