She cheated and I don't know what to do

LegacyUser

I've been in a relationship with a girl for almost 9 years and we've had our ups and downs but nothing worse than any other couple. The past year especially was brilliant for us, or so I thought. She was recently away for work for 2 weeks and I've just found out that she cheated on me. I am absolutely devastated beyond words. I'm sitting in my room crying for the past hour because she has literally turned my life on its head.

I was planning on asking her to marry me at Christmas, I had our whole future laid out in my head and now I can't even look at her. I haven't confronted her yet about it but its a sure thing that she did. I don't know what to do, where to go, who to talk to. My head is a complete mess and I want to just explode. I don't want to turn to my friends or anything until I've spoken to her.

If anyone else has been in this situation can you please tell me how you dealt with it? We live together and I don't even have anywhere to go tonight. I'm scared for the future. I can't bear the thoughts of life without her

LegacyUser

devastatedBoyfriend wrote: »

I've been in a relationship with a girl for almost 9 years and we've had our ups and downs but nothing worse than any other couple. The past year especially was brilliant for us, or so I thought. She was recently away for work for 2 weeks and I've just found out that she cheated on me. I am absolutely devastated beyond words. I'm sitting in my room crying for the past hour because she has literally turned my life on its head.

I was planning on asking her to marry me at Christmas, I had our whole future laid out in my head and now I can't even look at her. I haven't confronted her yet about it but its a sure thing that she did. I don't know what to do, where to go, who to talk to. My head is a complete mess and I want to just explode. I don't want to turn to my friends or anything until I've spoken to her.

If anyone else has been in this situation can you please tell me how you dealt with it? We live together and I don't even have anywhere to go tonight. I'm scared for the future. I can't bear the thoughts of life without her

First of all what evidence do you have that this actually happened??

There could be a perfectly logical explanation. You need to relax first and gather your facts first.

Cork selfbuild

Hi OP, first out, sorry to hear... I do have a question though, how did you find out if she didn't tell you? Are you sure beyond all possible belief? Was it by looking through her stuff when you shouldn't have been? This will lead to a massive row if so, I would be as came as possible when broaching the subject, if possible.

Its a really tough situation to deal with, do you think you could see a way past this or where do you stand on cheating? One strike and your out or? Or if I was a drunken one night never to be repeated can the relationship be repaired once worked on?

9 years is a long time, its up to you now if your willing to salvage (assuming she will want to also)...

LegacyUser

Ok an update. I don't want to go into detail on how I found what I did for the sake of anonymity. It was while looking for something that I accidentally found some incriminating evidence.

Anyway I confronted her about it last night and I was calm and collected. I had a few hours to process the information and to decide what I was going to say before I spoke to her. She has vehemently denied everything and had an excuse for what I found, but I'm still not convinced. Maybe I'm looking for something where there is nothing to find but I don't know. The reason that I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt is because I have never had reason not to trust her before. She is generally an open and honest person and I like to think that she would have admitted it to me when I asked openly if she cheated.

In any case I think that I would have forgiven her eventually. If something did happen it would have been a one-night thing; however I'm choosing to accept what she told me as the truth and to try and stop thinking about it. Or am I just burying my head in the sand? If something did happen I don't want her to think that its that easy to get away with it either. I'm not going to turn into one of those obsessive boyfriends - checking her phone, facebook etc. I can't prove either way that something did or didn't happen, but I don't know how I can move on from this point with so much uncertainty in my mind.

Kidchameleon

You need to find out FOR SURE if she done this. You could be mistaken OP. Hope your ok.

MagicMarker

Your "evidence” obviously isn't as incriminating as you think if she can just deny everything.

It's hard to give advice OP without knowing the full story.

wirelessdude01

Without more of how you found out or what evidence you found then none of us on here can really give any constructive advice.

Holsten

It's simple, if you know for a fact she did I'd advise you to break up and move on.

If you don't know then I wouldn't do anything too rash.

Cork selfbuild

How did she react apart from the denial, was she angry / tears / shouting?

I think for sanity you yourself need to decide if you believe her, to accept it and move on as if you do not accept it either way you will turn into than obsessive over analysing everything person...

fungun

She has vehemently denied everything and had an excuse for what I found, but I'm still not convinced. Maybe I'm looking for something where there is nothing to find but I don't know. The reason that I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt is because I have never had reason not to trust her before....... If something did happen it would have been a one-night thing; however I'm choosing to accept what she told me as the truth and to try and stop thinking about it

I dont understand your reaction. You say you are not convinced she is telling the truth. But you say you are giving her the benefit of the doubt. They are conflicting sentences! You sound like you think she did cheat but is denying it, and you are rationalising this by saying you would have forgiven her anyway.

Thats not good for you, because you now actually dont really trust her and this will eat away at you. You really need to either take her word for it or challenge her further on it. It sounds like you did trust her but the evidence for her cheating was very compelling (if you trusted as much as you claim).

Its hard to give advice on this without some level of detail on the evidence you had and her explanation for it....I mean you started out saying she cheated, and then there is an explanation....you need to look rationally at the evidence (including your trust for her) and decide is her story believable.

stupidpiggy

Hi OP

In your original post you felt it was a sure thing she had cheated.

As others have said, with no knowledge of what you found or what her defence was to it it's hard to advise but if you still aren;t convinced you guys will have trust issues that won't go away over night.

I think sometimes in times of devastation we are inclined to believe what we want to believe - because t's easier.

I was cheated on before and chose to believe the "excuse" I was given even though deep down, I didn't really believe it - it ate away at me for a while until he did it again and I wished I had just ended things for once and for all.

Just make sure you listen to your gut instinct on this one. Deep down, from her reaction and what you found, it should be enough to tell you what's real and what's not

chubnut

In another post I told of my jealousy when I was first married to my stunningly beautiful Wife. My release was to accept that even if it happened I would still be with her because I loved her and being without her was not an option, you need to do the same. She is still with you, look for the positive things instead of the obvious negative thoughts. Remember, **** like this can eat away at the good stuff you have.

wandatowell

chubnut wrote: »

In another post I told of my jealousy when I was first married to my stunningly beautiful Wife. My release was to accept that even if it happened I would still be with her because I loved her and being without her was not an option, you need to do the same. She is still with you, look for the positive things instead of the obvious negative thoughts. Remember, **** like this can eat away at the good stuff you have.

Jesus man you gotta cop on, thats some pretty off the wall advice. You are telling the OP to be a door mat and to just accept adultery.


This type of advice is one of which I cannot abide.

My only advice is to ignore the above advice

Karen8

chubnut wrote: »

In another post I told of my jealousy when I was first married to my stunningly beautiful Wife. My release was to accept that even if it happened I would still be with her because I loved her and being without her was not an option, you need to do the same. She is still with you, look for the positive things instead of the obvious negative thoughts. Remember, **** like this can eat away at the good stuff you have.

The price you pay for her beauty (you didn't tell anything else about her) is too high. Not everyone afford nor wants to pay that price for being a doormat.

One shot on kill

chubnut wrote: »

In another post I told of my jealousy when I was first married to my stunningly beautiful Wife. My release was to accept that even if it happened I would still be with her because I loved her and being without her was not an option, you need to do the same. She is still with you, look for the positive things instead of the obvious negative thoughts. Remember, **** like this can eat away at the good stuff you have.

Ha ha

I think in Thailand or some where like that ther doing operations where they insert back bones.

Cop on lad if she does the dirt then she isn't a nice person good looking or not. Stop feeling so sorry for yourself and thinking your a looser and lucky o be where you are. Grab yourself by the balls dump her and try find some one who loves you for who you are because she obviously doesn't. And sure have a bit of fun on the way.

To the op.

You need to nail this on the head don't let it go on. It either happened or didn't. If it upset you that much you will never get over it. Find out what is true. With out more info we can't tell you how to find out or what to believe or what conclusion to draw from your find but you won't get over it.

I understand no airing your dirty laundry on here but with out facts you will only get stupid random advice.

Daisymay2007

Agreed - can you tell us what your evidence is? And how did she explain it away? 9 years is a lifetime and, if like you say, you have never had trust issues before with her, then my advice to you is to work through it with her and accept her word. Unless there is a huge question mark hanging over her explanation, give her the benefit of telling you the truth.