jealous or not

bob..11

Hi new to this so bear with me, I have been with my partner for a almost 10 years we have a child of 5, Lately we are having a rough time of it over what she calls is me being jealous. I will try and be as honest as possible. The timeline of this started back a few weeks ago when out of the blue she announced that she was going to wedding with her pals, i was fine with that until she say that she is staying over sharing a hotel room with one of her male friends, so not being happy with that i insisted she ither rents own room or comes home, so that started a big fight over me being unreasonable and jealous, anyway she didn't stay but came home. So the following Saturday we were going on holiday and on the friday night she goes and visits male pal and comes home around 12midnight and goes straight to bed, I wasn't really happy about that but said nothing, then on our way to the airport i needed to use her phone to check on accomadation and noticed last call was after midnight to male friend, so she is talking to male pals from her bed aftermidnight, needless to say i was not happy but kept quiet and carried on with holiday. On returning from hols we were invited to my friends christening the following Saturday at which time she arranges to go out to dinner with male friend, so forcing a early exit from christening so she can get ready and go to dinner while i am home minding our child. She arrives home after midnight, this caused another fight. The following Saturday she went to a concert with her pals and said she would be home after but did not turn up untill following day around 2pm. This caused another row. At which point we did not really speak for a couple of weeks. Then we finally had a break through decided we love each other put the past few weeks behind us, all was grand for 2 weeks then she was going on a night out with her family which is grand but when the day came she was in Dublin at a appointment in the morning after which she wanted to go for lunch with male friend and then go back to his place to get ready for the family night out, we hearing this i went mad and asked her to leave, this is the situation we are in now she is at family home with our child, i am at home, She says i am to jealous, I am saying that there are boudries in a relationship we are at an impass, is this all my fault?

alias06

Her behaviour is not on. She knows it makes you uncomfortable and yet she keeps doing it. Then she tries to blame you for being too jealous. I don't think any self respecting man would allow his wife to share a hotel room with one of her male friends. Its ridiculous. She is taking you for a fool.

ElleEm

Is this the same guy all the time?
Has she always been friends with him or has the relationship changed recently?
Do you know him?
Have you any reason not to trust her?
Do you think she is/ wants to have an affair with him? What is your issue here?

If you take away the fact that he is a guy, would you have gotten as annoyed if she was speaking to a girl on the phone after midnight? Or went to one of the girl's houses to get changed for a night out due to handiness?
The fact that she went out and didn't come home as expected is out of order, did she contact you to tell you she wouldn't be home?

tcif

For either partner in a relationship to have friends of the opposite sex they socialize with is fine. To share a hotel room, late night phonecalls, to go to his place to get ready to go out, to leave a family occasion early to spend time with him..... all these things are not remotely fine. These are definitely crossing the relationship boundaries and you're right to object and I hope your partner sees reason and realizes her behaviour is out of order.

I think you need to have a serious talk, not only about her friendship with this man, but about your own relationship together as her behaviour doesn't sound to me like that of someone in a happy relationship. You don't say how things are between you but maybe you both need to have an honest chat about where things are at, so if there are any issues you can deal with them. Good luck!

maria34

Why i think she wants to have a go on that particular "male friend"?

Merkin

tcif wrote: »

For either partner in a relationship to have friends of the opposite sex they socialize with is fine. To share a hotel room, late night phonecalls, to go to his place to get ready to go out, to leave a family occasion early to spend time with him..... all these things are not remotely fine.

She is totally and utterly taking the p1ss OP. I'd be asking her what exactly is going on. It's not acceptable for her to turn this around on you and accuse you of jealousy - you've every right to feel weird about this.

MARTYRYAN

Is the male friend gay?
It wouldn't excuse some of her, what appears to be, unreasonable and disrespectful behaviour but at least it would rule out the possibility of a sexual affair

LegacyUser

let's just clear up a few details shall we. Male friend in question is a friendship of over 10 years , good friends are hard to keep but the few I have I try to keep. It's always only ever been a friendship. I have never cheated on my partner and never would. I go out for dinner with my Friend maybe 3 times a year and see him of an evening once a month in either mine or his. Not too much to ask I think. So the hotel story really was an old friends wedding and my sister and me where going to share a room with a male friend but I chose not to cause it bothered my partner. Innocent but still wrongly accused of being immoral. The friends number on my phone was an accident cause I had been texting before I went on holiday and hit the call instead, if my partner had looked properly he would have seen the 4 second call duration ! The leaving a family do to go out for dinner was actually his bosses family affair that I went to for the day and honestly didn't see why I couldn't go out for dinner that night, if he had just said I would not have made plans. Staying out all night without planning it, we had broken up a that stage, things were very awkward and I thought we could do with space fr

Merkin

Perhaps you need to work on your communication issues with your partner then maybe rather than communicating through the problem pages of Boards?

belle07

Merkin - Sometimes people cant communicate with each other on that level and this is the only way they can, saddly its an unfortunate fact of life and in the end can cause the breakdown of relationships.

Esoteric_

Having seen both sides of the story, both of you need to get off boards and talk.

To the girlfriend - I have great male friends, but I wouldn't get ready for.a night out in their house, or even consider staying in a hotel room with them. You didn't stay in the end out of respect to your partner, but did he have to tell you how unhappy he was before you changed these plans? It's not something I'd have even considered and I'm surprised you did.

Leaving his work/family do to hang out with the friend - if he asked you to go to this thing, why make plans with your friend if you didn't know how long it'd go on?

I think you're both at fault. Sounds like your friendship is bordering on inappropriate, but as a result of one or two situations that I'd consider to be out of line, your boyfriend is now worried about the whole friendship and nit picking everything.

I mean this with the utmost respect to both of you - get off of boards and talk to each other! Discuss acceptable boundaries, and adhere to them. Good luck.

belle07

Esoteric_ wrote: »

Having seen both sides of the story, both of you need to get off boards and talk.

To the girlfriend - I have great male friends, but I wouldn't get ready for.a night out in their house, or even consider staying in a hotel room with them. You didn't stay in the end out of respect to your partner, but did he have to tell you how unhappy he was before you changed these plans? It's not something I'd have even considered and I'm surprised you did.

Leaving his work/family do to hang out with the friend - if he asked you to go to this thing, why make plans with your friend if you didn't know how long it'd go on?

I think you're both at fault. Sounds like your friendship is bordering on inappropriate, but as a result of one or two situations that I'd consider to be out of line, your boyfriend is now worried about the whole friendship and nit picking everything.

I mean this with the utmost respect to both of you - get off of boards and talk to each other! Discuss acceptable boundaries, and adhere to them. Good luck.

The thing is I know what your saying, the communication is there but its going around in circles cause he wont listen. He is accusing me of doing things that are inappropriate when they aren't. Your either Trust a person or you dont but there is nothing inapproriate in my friendship. The reason its on boards now is he was looking for other people to jusitify his situation and feelings. We are both looking for advise and opinions from people who are not involved thats all. But yes i suppose its a bit road killish!

The hotel thing was just friends wedding that my sister asked me to go to last minute, I hadnt seen this friend since i was a teenager and just wanted to catch up with some old friends, I never really drink or go out that much normally, so just felt like having a night out with my sister and some friends. The hotel rooms was a triple room and it just seemed like a goods solution to me or my sister not having to drive and just relax. Yes a male friend was staying in the room too but for goodness sake it just seems like unjustified jealousy to me. but anyway i wrong to even ask in his eyes.

The getting ready in my male friends apartment was because i had an appointment in the city all morning, was going to spend 2 hours with my firend cause i didnt see the point in driving an hour back home when he is dublin. Getting ready involved just fixing my make up and hair. Again not inappropriate. Being made to drive all the way home rush around like a lunatic and then drive an hour all the way back into town for a concert with your mum and sisters to keep your jealous partner happy. Thats inappropriate.

I have been with my partner for 10 years, i have never mistreated him in all those ten years. We have a had a bad 3 months and i was looking for answers and comfort in friends. I never wanted to hurt him, i never intentionally or coldly left him in while i galvanted aroung with guys. Its so ridiculous to me. He is telling only one side and some see that and some dont. I dont go out drinking with friends normally, i stay in with hime everynight, weekdays weekends, do everything i can for him to make him proud but to always be knocked back for some reason or another. in normal circumstances i see my male friend once a month. Have dinner once a year with my male friend for his birthday. Is it really that inappropriate.

Esoteric_

I don't think the friendship is inappropriate, things like the hotel thing - no matter the reasons or justification, I do think that was out of order. If you wanted to stay, you should have booked your own room to be honest.

Based on what both of you have said, I think you're both at fault - him for accusing you of things and being unhappy with what seems to be a normal enough friendship, and you for not understanding that the hotel thing crossed a line and yes, he's insecure but that has given him a reason to be.

It's not a case of either trusting somebody or not. If somebody gives you a reason for not trusting them, you can't make yourself trust them. I think he's over reacting based on what you say, but I don't think you're understanding where he's coming from either.

belle07

I have said to him I was wrong to ask to stay in the hotel room if a male friend was in it too, I said I wouldnt do that again if it made him feel foolish and I was sorry. But then he freaked out over me asking to spend 2 hours during the day with my friend. The boundries keep changing. I have never given him reason not to trust me cause i have never done anything. Im not even a flirtatious person.

Elmer Blooker

Merkin wrote: »

Perhaps you need to work on your communication issues with your partner then maybe rather than communicating through the problem pages of Boards?

^ bizarre!
She's devious and manipulative, how do you communicate with someone like that?
I would tell her to pack her bags and move in with this "friend"
It would be interesting to see for how long he would be her "friend" then?

Esoteric_

Elmer Blooker wrote: »

^ bizarre!
She's devious and manipulative, how do you communicate with someone like that?
I would tell her to pack her bags and move in with this "friend"
It would be interesting to see for how long he would be her "friend" then?

Have you read the thread? Because reading both sides, it's not nearly as clear cut as that.

Elmer Blooker

Esoteric_ wrote: »

Have you read the thread? Because reading both sides, it's not nearly as clear cut as that.

yes I have and the reply from "the accused" seems very over defensive to me.
If it was the other way around and a married man was carrying on like this I would expect the alarm bells to be ringing for his wife - that's all.

belle07

Elmer Blooker wrote: »

yes I have and the reply from "the accused" seems very over defensive to me.
If it was the other way around and a married man was carrying on like this I would expect the alarm bells to be ringing for his wife - that's all.

how would you feel if your partner painted an incorrect picture of you like that? would you not get a bit defensive?? would you not react in defence of yourself when you are being wrongly accused and misinterprated? he goes out with his pals all day every Saturday, i dont question him, accuse him or nag him. He goes out with his pals every second week to the pub for a couple of hours too. i dont get at him for that because i think he is entitled to do that and have his own time. he just doesnt return the same trust.

Ickle Magoo

This thread was started by bob..11. It has now appears to have been hijacked by belle07 to argue her side of proceedings. This is not a platform for couples to have public arguments on.

If you have an issue post your own thread, do not hi-jack anyone else's. If you respond to a thread in this forum, do so only with mature, civil and constructive advice for the person who started the thread - if you want to discuss matters with a partner please try do so in real life, with the help of a counsellor if needs be.

Please read the RULES in the forum charter before posting again.

Thread closed.