Is he a player?

LegacyUser

I’ve been seeing a guy for the past five weeks and in that time I’ve met his parents and his closest friends. We are both in our late twenties and have had two official dates that he planned (our first two dates) and the other eight dates have just been meet up’s at either his place or mine where it’s just a dvd nite in front of the fire and a sleep over (sex rarely happens its more just about cuddling and kissing)

Due to our work schedules, we don’t see each other during the week, so it’s really just a Friday or Saturday night we have together.

I really like this guy. He is a very outgoing and bubbly/fun loving person , which I like about him. He is very sociable and is always chatting to people on a night out.

I know through mutual friends and from evidence on his social network page that he has always been popular with the ladies and has had alot of relationships and has lots of female friends. This I don’t mind, we’re all entitled to have friends and all that.. it’s just his actions lately leave me wondering if he’s just a player..

As much as I like our dvd nights in, I really want to go out and do something fun together, like dancing, dinner, go-karting....something fun and memorable. So I casually asked him last week if he had no plans, would he like to do something together on Saturday night like maybe go out for drinks or do dinner .. but he obviously had plans made cuz he just replied with could we do it another time.. to be honest I was disappointed and when he didn’t elaborate on his plans, I didn’t like to be noisy and start asking him his business.. so I just said it was ok and told him I’d be away with work for the next two Saturdays but maybe we could do it after that...

Anyway, when Friday night came around I didn’t expect to see him because we both were working late so I was surprised when he gave me a call to say he was on his way over to my place..we had no plans for the night and I was just so glad to see him, so I was delighted he was calling over.. so we had another of our dvd nites in and it was nice.

Nothing was mentioned about a follow up the next night or anything and as I had to go to work during the day, I didn’t expect to hear from him until the evening anyway, but I had hoped we would be doing something together that night..

Later that evening I got a text from him saying that his buddy was just after calling him and asked him to go for a drink with him as he had gotten some bad news, he said he was sorry for the late notice and did i mind if he met up with his buddy... i was really hurt at this because he had cancelled my plans to do something on this night 3 days earlier, so he had plans made for the night long before he text me about his buddy wanting to go for drinks.. I didnt want him to think I was hurt or annoyed or anything like that so I just texted him back a happy ‘ enjoy your night’ kind of message.. but it did bother me, not because he wanted a night out for himself or meet his pals, but because I felt he wasn’t being honest.

So i made my own plans for the night and didn’t hear anything from him and wasn’t expecting to either, until he rang phone rang at about 3am! I couldn’t believe it! He was obviously looking for a lift home or a bed for the night, so I didn’t bother answering and nothing was said about it in communication with him since, or anything about his night, just that he had a good night. He seems like a very private person and Im respectful of that, so I didn’t ask any questions and he never asked me what I did for the night either.

Like I said, he is popular with the ladies and usually adds the people he has been chatting to as friends on his social network site and of course he had added another stunning lady as one of his friends the next day.. so no doubt he met her the night before.

I know we are only in the very early stages of dating and it’s fair game to date around, but I just can’t figure him out at all.. He never gives me any compliments and finds it hard to accept compliments when I give them to him – he reckons I need my eyes checked if i tell him he’s looking handsome for example.. he never sends any type of cute messages or calls me any pet names or never sends me a ‘good morning’ or ‘goodnight’ message and never ever includes any ‘x’s in his messages to me.. he’s always very blunt and to the point in his communication.. maybe that’s just his way, but I find it strange as every other guy I dated would do all of the above and always send me a little x at the end of a message or a good nite message or something.. but this guy gives away nothing!!

He does always snuggle into me and hold my hand and likes to be close to me and is affectionate and people seem to think we have been together for ages because we seem to just click and fit so well together.. but then the way he goes on, it just leaves me wondering if he’s really into me at all... if he’s a player – keeping his options open or what.. At this point I just don’t know how to act or what to feel, and I can’t ask him where I stand cuz that will certainly drive him away.

I really like him and I wish it didn’t bother me so much, but it does.

Am I reading too much into things or am I just wasting my time? I don’t know how to figure out if what we have is going anywhere, without asking him and appearing as needy/insecure etc.. This dating thing is a minefield!!!

Any advice sooo much appreciated, I am just feeling so down about it all at the moment.

Czarcasm

Honestly OP I'm struggling to see how much fun this relationship is for you, if any, when you're afraid to ask him about anything or put him out or inconvenience his plans in any way. You're putting yourself on standby and letting this guy carry on as he wants as if all you are to him is a friend.

You're being pure passive-aggressive with him and making no effort to communicate your frustration. Of course this situation suits him perfectly as you're too afraid you'll lose him if you rock the boat. Which begs the question - do you really have him at all? Or is this just you trying to fit yourself around his life for god only knows what reason?

I'll tell you straight up, I'm confused by your behaviour!

You need to stop worrying about how you'll come across and start being yourself, and be more assertive. That means compromise, but if this guy isn't willing to compromise and you feel like you're constantly cramping his style, then I'm not sure about the future of your relationship tbh, and that's when you need to ask yourself some tough questions.

mangotracy

Czarcasm wrote: »

Honestly OP I'm struggling to see how much fun this relationship is for you, if any, when you're afraid to ask him about anything or put him out or inconvenience his plans in any way. You're putting yourself on standby and letting this guy carry on as he wants as if all you are to him is a friend.

You're being pure passive-aggressive with him and making no effort to communicate your frustration. Of course this situation suits him perfectly as you're too afraid you'll lose him if you rock the boat. Which begs the question - do you really have him at all? Or is this just you trying to fit yourself around his life for god only knows what reason?

I'll tell you straight up, I'm confused by your behaviour!

You need to stop worrying about how you'll come across and start being yourself, and be more assertive. That means compromise, but if this guy isn't willing to compromise and you feel like you're constantly cramping his style, then I'm not sure about the future of your relationship tbh, and that's when you need to ask yourself some tough questions.

I agree with most of this. It's obviously not got to a stage of being quite serious yet, so it's tricky to know about this guy. But if you're straight with him, in a non needy but kind of, 'Look we've been seeing each other a short while, I'm just checking are we exclusive? I mean you wouldn't want me to kiss other men at this stage I'm thinking?' and then, if he says yes, say it's fine to see your other mates etc, I'm sure you want to see your friends too, but that if he lets you down at the last minute, don't be immediately available. Arrange another date the next day or week. And then be sure to go out and have fun and just enjoy it for now! If he sees you are genuinely being assertive but also happy he'll remember the woman he first wanted...

Merkin

relationshipminefield wrote: »

really into me at all... if he’s a player – keeping his options open or what.. At this point I just don’t know how to act or what to feel, and I can’t ask him where I stand cuz that will certainly drive him away..

That's a very strange (and telling) statement. Why do you thinking asking him would drive him away? Can you sense that he is not really all that pushed?

Sasa1

I don't want to sound harsh, but he sounds like an ex of mine.
If he is serious about you then you would have no doubt about it.
If he wants to see you, be with you and only you then he cancel friends before cancelling time with you.
If he isn't putting you at te centre on hisif then you are not at the centre of his life.
This might sound ridiculous but there's a book (and movie) calle He's Just Not That Into You, it's not the best movie in the world but it has a very strong straight forward message. If he wants to be with you exclusively )and not keep you on side but wants to go out and meet other people) then he is NOT worth it.

You deserve better than that. You should know where you stand with him after 5 weeks.sorry if this is harsh. All the best with this, relationships definitely are te hardest part of life. Don't just settle for this behaviour from him.x

Cork selfbuild

Hi OP,

Ive read it slightly differently...

I’ve been seeing a guy for the past five weeks and in that time I’ve met his parents and his closest friends. We are both in our late twenties and have had two official dates that he planned (our first two dates) and the other eight dates

Due to our work schedules, we don’t see each other during the week, so it’s really just a Friday or Saturday night we have together.

5 weeks is a fairly short time and you say, it's mainly Fridays and Saturdays, and in the 5 weeks it's 10 dates, I think ye have spent a lot of time together, and that sounds like there isn't much time for anything else with work...

He is a very outgoing and bubbly/fun loving person , which I like about him. He is very sociable and is always chatting to people on a night out.

Some people are naturally out going / chatty / flirtatious... This can be totally innocent and just the way some people are and can be misconstrued as the opposite...

really want to go out and do something fun together, like dancing, dinner, go-karting....something fun and memorable. So I casually asked him last week if he had no plans, would he like to do something together on Saturday night

Take control of one day next weekend, tell him you'll pick him up early and it's your call on the plan for the date and see how it goes....

but he obviously had plans made cuz he just replied with could we do it another time.. to be honest I was disappointed and when he didn’t elaborate on his plans, I didn’t like to be noisy and start asking him his business.. so I just said it was ok and told him I’d be away with work for the next two Saturdays but maybe we could do it after that...

For him to know where your ground rules are, you need to be more open and just ask or say it to him...

Anyway, when Friday night came around I didn’t expect to see him because we both were working late so I was surprised when he gave me a call to say he was on his way over to my place..we had no plans for the night and I was just so glad to see him, so I was delighted he was calling over.. so we had another of our dvd nites in and it was nice.

It's kinda clear he likes spending time with you tbh, and was thinking about you, of he wasn't that into you he wouldn't have bothered...

Later that evening I got a text from him saying that his buddy was just after calling him and asked him to go for a drink with him as he had gotten some bad news, he said he was sorry for the late notice and did i mind if he met up with his buddy...

Sorry but if I was seeing a girl for 5 weeks and a good friend had an issue I too would go see my friend, it's what friends do, nothing at all against you...

i was really hurt at this because he had cancelled my plans to do something on this night 3 days earlier, so he had plans made for the night long before he text me about his buddy wanting to go for drinks..

Ok doesn't add up terribly well here, was it a different friend? Not sure here...

So i made my own plans for the night and didn’t hear anything from him and wasn’t expecting to either, until he rang phone rang at about 3am! I couldn’t believe it! He was obviously looking for a lift home or a bed for the night, so I didn’t bother answering

I think if he was a player, he wouldn't be ringing you at 3am his mind would be else where...

Like I said, he is popular with the ladies and usually adds the people he has been chatting to as friends on his social network site and of course he had added another stunning lady as one of his friends the next day.. so no doubt he met her the night before.

Some people I know are serial facebookers, you could stand I a queue with this person and there would be on a Facebook Friend request sent, it backs into your opening statement about how outgoing is...

Some people are overly out going and may be a compensation for the lack of kisses or cute messages I'm not sure, maybe he's just not that into that??

I really feel you may be over reading into this a bit, but then that's just my opinion.... Maybe play it out a few more weeks and see? Maybe be a little more up front? Maybe bring some things up lightheartedly e.g. Does the x button on your phone not work?

I think he is into you based on the above and may be more outgoing / interacting with strangers that you think is normal? Do you get jealous when you see these pics on Facebook?

Tigger99

Honestly, I think you are being a bit of a doormat. Ok you can't control how he feels about you but you can control your actions. You seem to be at his beck and call.

I think you were mad to cancel plans to see him. When he cancelled on you you pretended it was ok. Yeah his friend was having a bad time but you sounded afraid to say, hey the short notice isn't cool.

Of course guys have female friends on fb, but if he's regularly adding women after a night out I'd wonder about that.

Re the 3am call, do you think that's respectful, when you don't really even know much about his life and he wants presumably a hookup. Yeah if you were actually boyfriend and girlfriend that kinda call could be fun but somehow I suspect he doesn't see you like that.

Now I could be completely off here and maybe I'm interpreting it all wrong, but you seem afraid to push things or even ask him what the story is and that's an uneasy place to be. It just surprises me that you seem happy to settle for very little thought from him. You deserve more.

LegacyUser

Thanks all of you for your replies so far.. I really appreciate your help!

Truth is, I really like the guy and am terrified of wrecking things with him as its so early days but I am dying to know where I stand with him, but am too afraid to ask in case it might be too soon to ask that question just yet and thus scare him off, even though he could be fine with me asking.. oh I dont know!

I don't know who he was out with at the weekend and think he used meeting his buddy as an excuse and the reason I think that is because he turned down my date for the saturday night 3 days previously - so he was keeping Saturday night clear for a reason, like he had plans of his own for this night long before he texted me 'last minute' Saturday evening about his buddy.. that's why it bothered me. I know now I should have said something and I wish I did, but I am a very introverted and shy person and know I really need to be more assertive in general -but I am working on it though!

I'd never have a problem with anyone meeting their friends or helping out a friend in need or anything like that, it was just the sense of dishonesty about it all that's bugging me and the fact that he has new female 'friends' after nights out.. Im not the jealous type at all but it does make me wonder, that's all.

I know that maybe I am a bit of a doormat but I have never cancelled any of my plans to be with him and we just work around each other's schedules as best we can..

When we are together he makes me laugh until my sides hurt, we share a lot of similar interests and have good banter together..but he is just so confusing. I received a promotion at work last week and when I mentioned it to him he never said well done or gave me any kind of praise at all which I though was weird, just asked what I would be doing at work now and that was it... maybe it's just his way.

I'll take charge of arranging a date for this weekend and see how it goes.. hopefully I will have a better idea of everything by then..

Tigger99

To honest, the last thing I'd be doing is arranging a date, especially after as you say yourself, confusing behavior. Why not let him arrange a date or two to if he will put the effort in. I think if he's interested he will, if not, well there's your answer. Do you really want to be wasting your time in this guy in 6 mths down the line or all of a sudden he goes quiet cos he's met someone he actually does want to spend sat eve with?

Sorry if you think Im being harsh, it amazes me sometimes how people take scraps of affection or interest from someone and keep pursuing them.

strobe

Ok, this is my take on it, for what it's worth.

Five weeks is a pretty short amount of time. Having ten dates together in that time is quite a lot. It seems pretty certain to me from what you've said that he likes you. If he was a 'player' and as popular with the ladies as you say, well, there's 3.5 billion women in the world, spending nights in watching DVD's with you with a minimal chance of sex wouldn't be how he'd be spending his time if all he wanted was sex. So he likes you, and no I don't think there's much chance he's 'playing' you.

If after 5 weeks someone considered me 'the centre of their life' as someone put it, and put the rest of their lifr on hold to ve with only me, I'd think that was crazy full on tbh.

If a good mate was turning down my request to meet up to talk after I'd gotten bad news to make plans with a girl they'd known 5 weeks I'd think they were being a bit of a prick tbh, so I really don't think you should hold that against him or think anything bad of it. Quite the opposite.

Some people just add anyone that friend requests them on facebook. When I had afacebook page I did the same thing. It was entirely meaningless so there's no reason to be getting all worked up over him adding some girl. As you say, he's an outgoing sociable person, it just sounds like an extension of that.

Not everyone puts little x's at the end of their texts. Some people find it a bit cringy and childish. Some people just don't do it. Again, it's quite probably meaningless.

Basically, in answer to your question, yes. I think you're reading way too much into things and need to take a deep breathe and try to relax.

You are only going out 5 weeks. In that time you've been on 10 dates, that averages to twice a week. That is a lot in the first 5 weeks of knowing someone.

He obviously likes you. But you're in the initial stages of dating, not 4 years into a long term relationship and engaged to be married. He has a life, with work and friends and other things, sometimes these will take precedent.

Relax and enjoy things for Christ sake and stop over analysing every little thing.

If you're unsure where you two stand exactly then there's no harm in bringing itup in a light kind of way. Soemthing like after your next date a simple "so Bob, do you think of us as dating or a couple or what?" while relaxed and smiling.
For all the bull**** ideas people have about 'scaring a guy away', no guy anywhere, ever is going to stop liking a girl they like due to them basically just checking (in a relaxed and non crazy mannor) where things stand between them. If he really likes you he'll be fine with it, if he doesn't *then* maybe he'll have a problem with it but if he doesn't really like you then no harm done and nothing lost basically, at least you'll know.

But Jesus, Relax a bit. It's only been a few weeks. Dating is meant to be fun, cool your jets.

Tigger99

I mostly agree with you strobe, it is early stages, but think if he was interested he'd at least be proactive with dates. He doesn't exactly sound shy.

Merkin

Tigger99 wrote: »

it is early stages, but think if he was interested he'd at least be proactive with dates. He doesn't exactly sound shy.

I agree. He sounds a bit meh about the whole thing. And considering that you've been going out five weeks, you stay in watching DVDs (fine if you've been going out ages but no wooing or effort required) and you're not even having red hot sex. Fine if you were staying in because of the compulsion to rip one anothers clothes off but you say it's more kissing and cuddling. Why are you guys not having sex? You says it rarely happens. Why is that exactly? Do neither or one of you not want it?

What struck me in your post was his lack of enthusiasm and encouragement over the promotion. That would personally make me ask questions simply because if he was keen on you and saw you as his girlfriend he would be really pleased for you rather than barely acknowledge it.

Sorry to be blunt here but in my experience, if you have to ask yourself if he is keen on you then the answer is invariably no. I've been there bought the t-shirt where you sit around with your girlfriends analysing the ins and outs of his behaviour but when you meet someone who is head over heels about you then you don't need to do that. I know it's early days with this guy but if I were you I'd let him instigate the next meet up and not at 3am either.....

strobe

I dunno lads, she says he was the one that arranged the first 2 dates. Sounds like the nights in were either mutually arranged things or his idea too, rather than her making the arrangements.

Wouldn't necessarily think of the 3am call as a bad thing either, could just as easily be seen as a positive, he had a few drinks with his mate and missed her so much that he got a bit silly and decided he'd just love to talk to or see her despite the ridiculous time. I'm sure a lot of us have been in that situation when you're mad about someone. ..

Hope it goes well in anyway OP. Best of luck.

Merkin

strobe wrote: »

Wouldn't necessarily think of the 3am call as a bad thing either, could just as easily be seen as a positive, he had a few drinks with his mate and missed her so much that he got a bit silly and decided he'd just love to talk to or see her despite the ridiculous time. I'm sure a lot of us have been in that situation when you're mad about someone. .

Fair point!

alias06

Tigger99 wrote: »

I mostly agree with you strobe, it is early stages, but think if he was interested he'd at least be proactive with dates. He doesn't exactly sound shy.

This is true. The OP should find out how he feels at the next available opportunity. The longer this goes on the more likely she is to get hurt if it turns out he is just not that into her.

LegacyUser

Thanks all for your replies, much appreciated!

I will see him at the weekend and will just ask in a light hearted way what the story is and at least then I'll know.

Hopefully it will be the answer I'm looking for! Fingers crossed!