Boyfriends friends talk **** about me,he does nothing

LegacyUser

Two of my boyfriends friends who have met me a handful of times talk really badly about me whenever he meets them. I've found this out because sometimes he's told me, usually trying to win an argument, ie we could be fighting about a storm in the teacup and he will break out oh my friend x told me you'd always be this unreasonable, see its nothing about me, its all you etc. Friends of mine have heard some of it when they've ended up in the same place, and other people in the 'group' have told me. I also cop on because every time he is out with these guys, his attitude towards me changes. We could have had a great day and then all of a sudden he's really angry at me for no reason and i endure a night of abuse where he really won't be reasonable at all. My boyfriend either participates to some extent or ignores it, just nodding his head until they're done. These guys consistently tell him that he's stupid for being with me, that i'm an awful person, a big mistake and that they have lost respect for him by being with me and don't want me ever coming out with them. My boyfriend just says ok to this.

We were together for about 6 months, had a few problems, split up and got back together. I know he discussed our problems in excruciating detail with his friends. our problems were mostly 50/50 at fault. I'm aware he glossed over what he has done and magnified what I have done. I suppose thats the way most people see these things, what is done to them feels worse. I do know they still talk about something I did 5 months ago, which wasn't horrific, I didn't cheat or steal or anything! He has never told them to respect me or our relationship or to stop talking badly about me. He feels that as his friends they are being his friends by voicing his concerns...every single time he see's them. They have actively encouraged him to cheat on me even introducing him to other women. He's said he just nods politely when this happens but seems confused when I say you need to tell them to stop doing that, that if we are together then we are together and they should respect the relationship. They don't have to love me (which they did before he started talking badly about me over one incident), but respect us and our relationship, and if they can't I feel he needs to say so to me and enforce it.

At this stage I feel really miserable. When we are together and its just us our relationship is fantastic, but as soon as I leave him and he heads out with these mates, its text fights, its bringing up stuff that happened ages ago while completely ignoring what he did, its all i'm the worst in the world and he shouldn't be putting up with my ****. Its threats of breaking up again etc, and obviously stomach churning that maybe he's going to end up with someone else. I don't know how to show him what I feel here or understand my upset. He doesn't think there is anything wrong with following through on their 'ban' of me for social occasions. On the other side, I told my friends a very short overview of our difficulties. I would not go into such detail as I feel thats disloyal. When we got back together one of my friends complained about him and I told her thanks, but you respect him as my partner. My other friends just said best of luck, we hope it works out.

This is really starting to kill me. Thanks for any advice, even if its just to tell me i'm stupid

allym

There's voicing concerns, and then there's being down right nasty. These friends fall into the latter category.

How dare they speak that badly about you! And "ban" you from social occassions? Who do they think they are?

To be honest, I think you need to sit your boyfriend down and calmly explain how it isn't ok that he allows people to speak about you like that. And even worse, joins in!

Obviously whatever happened in the past happened, and you acknowledge your part in that. Your boyfriend needs to realise that if he wants to be with you he needs to move on and accept that the past is the past and stop bringing it up, and letting his friends treat you like this!
If he can't do that then you really need to consider wether or not you can be with him and always have the past being brought up.

I know I couldn't live with that, or the amount of disrespect he shows you.

Vision of Disorder

If your boyfriend allows his friends to talk crap about you then he's the problem to be honest. I never liked my best friend's ex. She wasn't a bad person but I found her vapid and tedious. She had no idea I felt this way, my friend had no idea I felt this way. She made him happy at the time and that was the only consideration for me. Even now, probably the guts of two years after they split, he only vaguely knows that I wasn't crazy about his ex.

The situation you outline says very little about your boyfriend's respect for you or his friends' for him.

CaraMay

Dump him. He is treating you very badly by allowing his friends mistreat you. Don't accept that treatment.

jdsk2006

Not an ounce of a backbone in that lad......end it.

superelliptic

hey OP,

I hate to Say it but this guy of yours doesn't seem too have much in the way of character if he lets his mates away with that ****e. fair enough they have they're opinion, but it sounds like they have overstepped a mark along time back.
id say you're fella doesn't like being in the middle of this but he needs too develop a spine and get his mates to treat you with a bit more courtesy. if that doesn't happen or he isn't willing to try, then id hit the road. life's too short!


by the away, his mates sound like tools.

just sayin

Catari Jaguar

It's not really his friends' fault. He obviously harbours a lot of resentment for you that he needs to get over and they remind him of it. They are only looking out for him and friends can be fiercely loyal and unforgiving if they know one of their own was mistreated. They're only going by what he said. It's up to him to forgive you and tell the lads they need to back off because you two are good now. As much as he appreciates them looking out for him he can handle things by himself and would like them to be nicer to you.

Posters here are dead right, he's spineless. I couldn't respect that, awful trait.

JenEffy

I can't imagine they'd dislike you this much for no reason. Your boyfriend obviously likes you though, because he's with you, so he should be standing up for you.

ivytwine

Op I was in that situation before and I didn't even realise the extent of it until we'd broken up, there was serious **** said. Two of them even physically attacked me one night and it was all passed off as a joke. Looking back I can't believe I put up with it but I was young and naive...

As someone above said your boyfriend has no backbone. If he did he'd stand up for you. If he had a backbone they wouldn't even criticise you to him in the first place, because they'd know it was off limits.


You have to decide whether the good times are worth the fact that your boyfriend will freely pretend not to respect you in front of his friends. I think your self-esteem is worth more than him.

Good luck op x

carolinespring

Dump him. Just walk away. He is acting like a kid and you deserve better.

jomc

Found this thread by accident looking for something similar to show a friend. Despicable treatment by this lads mates, i assume they are under 25 ish and fairly immature. Otherwise they really need to grow up. Social bans are schoolyard bullying. Its bullying and there is no other way to look at it. In a relationship two people put each other first, it sounds as if you guys are having a tough enough time of it and need support from your mates, not them bullying you and causing more problems for you both.

If your boyfriend really can't see that his friends are bullying you and treating you very very badly, then he is being manipulated and controlled by them. You can't be in a healthy relationship with someone who is so controlled by other people who manipulate him like a puppet. You will always be up for judgement with the so callled friends and your boyfriend will always behave the way they tell him to. You will never win and you will never have an adult relationship.It will be abuse and bullying all the way.

No matter what you did,when you're in a relationship you demand respect for your partner, if its not offered.If its not offered and you have to demand it it shows a lack of respect for him from his friends. Its terrible that not only is all this happening but your boyfriend refuses to stand up for you. It must be extremely destructive to your self esteem and if he doesn't stand up to his friends it will only get worse until you end up an emotional wreck of a person.

Not an ounce of backbone in that lad at all. Either he tells his friends to stop it with the nasty comments, bullying, and social bans or you should walk away. Fast....

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the replies.It is nice to hear i'm not wrong to think they shouldnt speak about me this way. The poster who said its just bullying, that struck a chord with me. Its really pushed me into a horrible place, im very upset knowing that this is continuous, and im banned from every time they meet. Its such a horrible feeling. I have thought for quite a while. And reading your posts and other perspective has helped. I am going to talk to him once more, and borrow some of your points, and if he still says that they are completely right to talk about me whatever way they want, then I will be leaving. I've mentally packed up, as this has really pushed me away from him. Anymore advice welcome

Abigayle

feelinglikesh!te wrote: »

We could have had a great day and then all of a sudden he's really angry at me for no reason and i endure a night of abuse where he really won't be reasonable at all.

He changes around his friends because he's immature, and a two faced little shït. I'm sorry to be so blunt, I know you're upset.

It's time to let him go while you have any self respect left.

Why do you let them and him treat you like that? Why aren't you asking yourself that? Does a person that has genuine feelings for you make you feel this bad about yourself and allow others to do it too?

He's an out and out coward and this situation is just going to strip you of your self esteem if you stay with him. Please do the right thing for yourself here, you deserve someone loving and caring, that would stand up for you, not join in in making you feel like shït.

Best of luck OP.

Ham Sambo

Why do you take this cr*p? Why are you still with him?

MetalDog

Dump the bastard. If anyone in my social circle said anything like that to my Mrs, I'd f**ing deck them. He clearly has no respect for you.

jellyboy

jumping in at the deep end here ..

what about your role in this,you say that your 50 percent to blame..
yet the post is all about what he did/didnt do and how much of a bad person he is..

my personal opinion is that it takes 2 to tango

when he expresses his feelings to friends and his friends voice an opinion..you want him to do /say something back and control them and there thought process

your friends are doing the same as his whether its a small or large overview it is enough for opinions to form

On the other side, I told my friends a very short overview of our difficulties. I would not go into such detail as I feel thats disloyal. When we got back together one of my friends complained about him and I told her thanks, but you respect him as my partner. My other friends just said best of luck, we hope it works out.

and this screams even more opinions are being formed and gossip being spread

"Friends of mine have heard some of it when they've ended up in the same place, and other people in the 'group' have told me"

Doesn't he have a right to express what he felt as much as you?

is there insecurity from both of ye as the below paragraph suggests it to me

"When we are together and its just us our relationship is fantastic, but as soon as I leave him and he heads out with these mates, its text fights, its bringing up stuff that happened ages ago while completely ignoring what he did, its all i'm the worst in the world and he shouldn't be putting up with my ****. Its threats of breaking up again etc, and obviously stomach churning that maybe he's going to end up with someone else.

I'm reading this as you trying to control and contain what is said and how it was said and posting on this forum validates the mind process of he is wrong and done the "bigger thing than me" syndrome ..

having strangers on the net calling names and giving their opinions on a one sided view is not going to help you in the long term (me included )

too me its a bit like two kids playing love….