Being blackmailed by my brother over money

LegacyUser

I am at my wits end with regards dealing with my brother. I've been accepting the status quo just to 'keep the peace', etc. for a year now but am fed up being controlled and manipulated and don't want to be effectively blackmailed by him.

Our mother passed away a few years ago and my father has developed fairly advanced dementia and we have 24/7 care for him with private carers, HSE carers and then ourselves as well looking after Dad. There are four of us in the family, but only my brother and I have taken a hands-on role in looking after Dad. I was Dad's main and only carer up until a year ago and when I moved further away for a job for the past year my brother took control over Dad's care then.

Unfortunately nobody in the family knew about the issue of power of attorney on time and so we are left with a situation of no one person having last say on what happens to Dad medically, and financially, etc. As soon as my brother took over the care, he also took responsibility over my Dad's finances and is the only one with access to his accounts, ATM card, etc. As he is a qualified accountant my other younger brother and sister have elected him to be in charge of finances indefinitely but I am not happy for just one person to have this access and control.

I have a bad relationship with him, and sadly my relationship with the others disintegrated since my Dad got sick due to my sister doing virtually nothing for him over the years, and my younger brother allowing my older brother to manipulate him about me.

I have asked that two of us have access to the accounts at all times so that no one person has sole control over a lot of assets and to ensure no funny crap happens down the line. I think it is a perfectly reasonable request.

Sadly, it's 3 votes against 1 and my brother has said if I don't accept it he has the details of the nursing home available- meaning that my only choice to stop it is to contact the bank, etc. So I have no choice but to accept this.

Is there anything I can do? I don't want my father to have to go into a nursing home, etc. so of course my hands are completely tied on that but I don't and can't trust my brother to be perfectly honest.

username123

I don't understand your second last paragraph?

What is the threat? Why can't you contact the bank?

What exactly is the problem with the current situation? Is your father not being cared for properly? Do you think your brother is clearing your fathers bank accounts? Is it just that you have no visibility? Has your brother previously been known to be nefarious re money?

I think you need to evaluate what's most important here. Your fathers care or your level of comfort with your brother holding the financial cards.

You could call his bluff. He thinks you won't because you don't want your father to go into a nursing home (this based on your last paragraph, although I'm unclear if I have it right). Presumably no one else wants your father to go into a nursing home either (any reason why, it could be a good option?).

As long as your father is being cared for then why does it matter who controls the money? Or is it that you think your inheritance is being stolen?

Maybe you could clarify the problem, because I'm not sure I get it.

LegacyUser

OP here again. Sorry if unclear.

Simply put, my brother will not share access to my father's account with me, not even to log in and see accounts, etc. so effectively I cannot know what he is or will do in the future. Perhaps not now, but what if he was to later if anything happened to my father?

And yes, because none of us want dad to go into nursing home, my brother can blackmail me. And he is loving the power and chance to exert control over me.

CaraMay

He shouldn't be able to access the bank accounts. Talk to the bank.

December2012

Do you have a reason to mistrust him?

trio

So your brother is now the main carer for your Dad in the home? Tbh, regardless of the fact that you used to do it, if I was your brother I'd be incensed at your attitude i.e. that if you're not standing like a guard dog over the accounts, some "funny crap" will happen.

You are basically telling him that you think he is gonna siphon off all his Dad's money and make the house over to himself. No wonder he's raging.

And yeah, if I were him I'd be on the verge of going "**** it - if you won't trust me to take the burden of care honestly, then there's always nursing homes. Either shut up or put up"

I am a main carer for an elderly family member in the home with dementia. It is horrendous. I would NOT be impressed if a sibling was craning their neck over my shoulder every time I paid the ESB bill. Checking up on the one person who has the day to day burden of it (and I presume you're not moving back, so your brother could be his main carer for years). Implying I was only doing it all for financial benefit!!!

Honestly? Get over it. No wonder it's 3 to 1.

username123

Unless you are willing to move home and take on the level of responsibility your brother is shouldering I don't think you have a moral leg to stand on tbh.

I agree with a lot of the post above mine.

However, you are here for advice. If you don't like your brother having sole access to the financials go and speak to a solicitor and find out what the legal situation is.

Or call your brothers bluff.